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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DD attitude to everything

81 replies

lily2309 · 16/03/2009 17:33

Trying to think were to start ! I have a DD 22 who is trying to find work ( which is certainly not easy at the moment) I still give her a small allowance to help but do not agree to attitude as to what sort of job she should go for. In this current climate you cant be too fussy but she keeps on saying she doesnt want to do this or that because its boring !!!! she has a degree and has worked for a short while but was unfortunately laid off in Feb. she still lives at home and as she is not working I dont feel that I can ask her for a contribution.
The other problem is her boyfriend - her dad is more up tight about the relationship than I as I just want her to be happy but he is so completely different to her. Different background , age, religion, colour. I know that this shouldnt really count but she doesnt realise that when the rosy glow of love wears off and maybe the going gets tough will she be able to cope.

I know that she is not a child (although she sometimes behaves like one but I really dont know what to do or say anymore about any of the above issues

Help!

OP posts:
messymissy · 17/03/2009 09:10

Hi haven't had time to read all the thread, but I think you should def not give her any allowance, she should be claiming JSA in any case and be offering you some of that for her keep - even if it is a token £5. Otherwise there is absolutely no incentive to find any sort of work. You could risk making her dependent on you, not good for either of you.

Boyfriend choices are always a nightmare - as an observer of friends older children, the more you show disapproval of their choice the more attractive that person becomes. If her boyfriend is treating her well and respectfully and seems to love her, that would count in his favour. But at 33 still living with mum and sounding a bit dependent on mum - and being a lad with his mates at the weekend - will he ever grow up to support a family of his own - so i can see your concerns, and if the relationship does continue to marriage / children - what sort of MIL will your daughter get???? Look at some of the threads about domineering possessive MIL's!!!!

Jackaroo · 17/03/2009 09:19

It means You ARE being unreasonable.

Just to let you know, I in fact had the full works in terms of ME from 17 to 24.. more or less, always difficult to know what is the beginning and what is the end.. and still did all the stuff outlined above.

Admittedly my parents paid for visiting a homoeopath (I thought it was a waste of time and therefore money myself!), and kept on top of comign to hospital appt.s with me, but I still did all that other stuff.

Decades later I have just immigrated with a small child whilst in the throws of GF. I'm not saying she shoudl be working down a pit whilst ill, but it's not a get out of work free card

Maybe the boyfriend suits whilst she hasn't got much money/energy etc. As I said, I suspect all that will change when she has to do her own thing........

Good luck

Original poster
lily2309 · 17/03/2009 09:44

Thanks for your comments. Yes Jackaroo maybe the tiredness all the time is just lethargy from doing nothing rather than the remnants of glandualr fever. The doctors comments of "dont overdo it" have been taken to the extreme!
somebody mentioned that I should get to know the b/f better and ask him over. I have done that on several occasions, but the last 2 times he has just not turned up and then told my daughter he was working late! a bit embarrasing with the food drying up on the oven.

Yes messymissy, I thought by the age of 33 you would have grown out of that clubbing stage. I think DD would go occasionally but doesnt want to come home at 3-4 in the morning and thinks that she will ruin his evening by leaving earlier - when will she realise she is being a door-mat?

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 10:10

lily - I don't know what your family finances are like, but have you thought of giving your DD an opportunity to travel and learn an extra skill as a way of "getting her on the move"? A two or three month French or Spanish course, in France or Spain, where she would see a bit of the world and realise there is more to life than sitting around at her parents' house with a boyfriend who treats her like dirt, might boost her self-esteem a bit.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 12:37

BonsoirAnna - A course is no good, the more you do in these situations the less they do for themselves, however the trip abroad is a good idea.
My cousin got pregnant at 17, lost it and her mum begged her to go on holiday to spain, boyfriend could come too, anything to just make her stop and think about having a baby.
The last desperate suggestion was to go and see her aunt and uncle in Florida and look after their baby for a few weeks, get a bit on sun and R & R. The biggest regret of my aunty's life is that she didn't just book the tickets and put her on that plane because 2 months later K was pregnant again and has never been out of the country since, still behaves like a spoilt brat at 32, you can only imagine what the 15 year old daughter is like.

Is there anybody you could pack her off to visit under the pretence of a holiday ?

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 12:39

I disagree - I think she needs to put her mind to something that will give her a sense of achievement and boost her self-esteem which must be at rock bottom, given the way she is letting herself go...

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 12:47

She does need to put her mind to something but that's not for the parents to organise at 22 years old.

My brother last year announced all he needed in the world was £300 to get a certificate and then he could get a job, get a flat and sort himself out, he's 23 btw.
Muggins here gives him the £300 he gets a job with his certificate. Decides he didn't like it, gives it up back to the drawing board, what does he care it wasn't his £300.
It needs to come from them over the age of 18 I think.

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 12:50

I don't know what the relevance of "over 18" is. This girl isn't getting anywhere with her life and has a boyfriend who is positively an obstruction to going anywhere. If her parents want to help, cutting her off and telling her to get on with it is a very dangerous strategy - she will feel unloved and her self-esteem will plummet even further.

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 12:51

She needs to temp or get whatever crappy P/T job she can find while she is looking for a 'proper job'. That way she can be a little more self sufficient, have some self respect, and contribute a small amount towards the household. I would insist that she does this if she wants to stay living under your roof. You'll be dong her absolutely no favours in the ling run by pandering to her spoilt ways.

Re: her relationship. Stay out of it. Nothing to do with you.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 12:55

The relevance of over 18 is that there comes a point where they have to stand on their own two feet and actually "helping" can be more damaging to self esteem because it sends the message poor you, you can't cope without mummy sorting your life out for you.

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 12:58

In the OP's situation I would do anything to get my DD away from the good-for-nothing boyfriend, which a job won't do...

mumeeee · 17/03/2009 12:59

DD2 19 does not have a job at the moment. She is looking for a job and has signed on for job seekers allowence. She did that a couple of months ago but is still waiting for her money. We don't give her an allowence but I do pay for her Dance and Drama. I also pay for her transport to get to these places but she says she will pay me back when she gets some money.
She is hoping to doa Performing Arts or Musical Thatre degree in Seprtember. so Thats why she does Drama and Dance.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 13:01

Your in for a shock then Anna because the boyfriend is a non issue and interferring will push them closer together, keeping out of it will mean it'll run it's natural course.
Providing of course the girls self esteem was every there in the first place.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 13:04

actually I think a job will do exactly that.
if boyfriend is really useless lay about type then nothing will take the gloss of his life style quicker that getting into the workplace.
It is very comfortable for both ofthem just now with both sets of parents paying them to loaf around. If OPs DD is getting up and going out, earning and meeting other people then that 'normality' will start to make bfs lifestyle look more as it really is - wasteful slouching.

Work exposes you to new people . new conversations and opens the door to ambition.
Especially if she gets the right job.
All the more reason to stop making her so comfortable and paying for them both to do nothing. OP is rstricting rather than braodening her DDs horizons by helping her to stay on the couch snuggling with bf all day

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 13:04

The boyfriend is a huge issue. I completely disagree with most of the analysis on this thread. Why does a 22 year old with her whole life ahead of her sit at home all day and go out with a completely infantile man? Because she has serious independence and maturity issues, and hence very low self-esteem. The first thing to work on is her self-esteem, to get it to a place where she has the desire to grow up and leave childhood things behind her. You cannot get her to maturity just by chucking her out.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 13:05

Spot on pagwatch.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 13:07

Nobody has suggested chucking her out have they, more a boot up the backside to send her off to work, any work.
The more you it is a fact if you keep "helping" it makes her self esteem plummet as she'll feel "helpless"

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 13:09

There is "help" towards maturity and there is "propping up" and the two are not the same.

The fundamental question is why this girl is so attracted to a childlike lifestyle.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 13:09

who suggested chucking her out?

I am just suggesting that effectively paying her to stay put won't help.
You are also assuming that she has huge self esteem issues when actually it may be no more than that lack of focus that many experience when they leave nurturing, organised education and have to start making choices. Lack of foucus can lead to a strange ennui where the act of doing nothing has gone on for so long that it takes huge effort to change that direction.
She needs a gentle nudge to puther toe in the water. Part time would be a good start while she narrows in on full time choices.

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 13:10

Totally agree with Sorrento and pagwatch.

Young women/girls often go out with lazy slouchers because they themselves are dependent and not living in the adult world.

Once you are supporting yourself and striving to achieve something out there in the Big Bad World, the scales soon fall from your eyes.

I say that from experience

BonsoirAnna · 17/03/2009 13:12

I do actually think that the boyfriend, as described by the OP, is a very odd choice for a 22 year old girl. She must think very little of herself (= low self-esteem) to put up with a man in his thirties who is still living like a spoilt teenager.

pagwatch · 17/03/2009 13:19

but they have so much in common.

Why is it surprising that a young woman of whom nothing is asked and for whom life is presented on a plate with no accountability and no responsibilty would be attracted to a man of whom nothing is asked etc etc.
Surely they validate each other? The OP could not have done a better job of matching her DD with a layabout had she tried.
( unintentionally of course)

My mother 'encouraged' me to leave home at 19 when i had wafted about doing part time work for a year and had achieved very little. I left and was expected to send money home. It was hard but I learnt to value effort and reward and i then met and married ( surprise surprise) a hard working, ambitious and respectable man.
Had she not done that I am sure I would have ended up still working three days a week and marrying the delivery boy/part time DJ who was so amusing during lunch break

Chellesgirl · 17/03/2009 13:19

I wouldnt press her about the relationship. My friend had a bf when she was 19, he was 31 and at first I was like how does her mum n dad let her do it, but they are really happy and shes 21 now and loves her life.

If you can see he is hurting her then say something. Is he saying to her secretly that he doesnt want her to get a job, because he may be putting her down and saying that she shoudnt work, be a good wifey etc...
Ive seen this happen. my other friend who was 22 was christian. She married a man of a dif religion and he beat her, told her that she couldnt go out the house, made her wear certain clothes. She left him in the end but found out she was preggers. Now hes still controlling her and they arent together!

My mum never gave me any money to live off, I worked since 14 in a chemist. I have never stopped working and 21.

MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 13:25

When I was 18 my boyfriend was a drug dealer in his 30s with kids he didn't support. Nice. I was living at home, spoilt and thought it was all very glam and fun and 'wild'.

As soon as I left home at 19 and was studying full time and working, I dropped him like a hot potato. It soon became apparent to me that he was a loser and that i was too good for him.

Not rocket science.

Sorrento · 17/03/2009 13:28

"Ive seen this happen. my other friend who was 22 was christian. She married a man of a dif religion and he beat her, told her that she couldnt go out the house, made her wear certain clothes"

That's why she needs to stay at home and trying to fget rid of the boyfriend might mean they move into together at his mums house or worse claim housing benefit and get a flat together.
Again the benefits trap needs to be avoided at all costs, somebody suggested signing on which I think is a very bad idea too.
My younger brother used to earn £400 a week, now alright the construction industry has gone down the pan but he is given £60 in his hand plus £70 a week towards rent, council tax paid and his legal aid for another issue paid, meaning he now needs to find a job paying £200 a week after tax to cover his bus fare etc and be better off. That's not going to happen on min wage.
You do not want her to find that out.