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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think PIL were mean with DD's birthday present?

103 replies

Moop · 10/03/2009 15:39

I am interested in what people think about presents for their children from family and especially whether grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren.

We have just had DD first birthday and to be fair to my PIL they did a small birthday party for her at our request and MIL made a cake and did sandiches etc and it was very nice.

The bought her a £10 toy (happened to see it in the shop the other day) nothing else. I feel that they have been/are more generous with their other grandchildren and given they have lots of money I feel that there is a little that we can afford things for our daughter hence they won't spend their money on her and I feel a little hurt that they buy such cheap stuff. I am always hearing how hard up their daughter is (husband is a real joke and they have satelitte tv and designer haircuts and things so not that hard up).

I think that grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren and not assess how much income each of us has (none of their 3 children are badly off and it would be different if one couple was really struggling).

I guess the other thing that annoys me is that they don't ask me if their is anything we would like for her - anything we would find useful - it seems that xmas and birthday so far have been the easiest, cheapest plastic thing from the supermarket.

OP posts:
oska · 12/03/2009 17:39

Good grief, cake, party and sarnies AND you got a pressie? I love my husband, family etc lots and lots but sometimes its a last minute dash to Tescos. Pressies are just not important, it's what you do in between pressies that counts.

debs40 · 12/03/2009 18:21

Sorry, but YABU.

My children only have an elderly nan who lives 300 miles away and who they never see.

There is no prospect of anyone ever organising a party, cake etc for them in this way. You don't know how lucky you are.

Then, to set the bar even higher and moan that the present didn't demonstrate the requisite (by your standards) degree of thoughtfulness, is just spoilt behaviour.

Sorry but grow up. Who cares what the other grandchildren got.

cece · 12/03/2009 18:29

YABU - they did her a party and a cake, which is far more important than some toy. FGS she is only one, she doesn't know how much the toy cost and was probably barely aware it was her birthday.

Her GP showed they love her by doing the party and spending time with her. That is what counts not how much they spend!

sobanoodle · 12/03/2009 18:44

Cece beat me to it...holding a party, making sandwiches and cake...that's love for a small child. They spent time doing it AND bought her a toy.

LynetteScavo · 12/03/2009 18:46

Moop I know it can be hard when silblings or grandchildren are not treated equally - I remember when FIL bought DS a pair of trousers in the sale for his b'day, and DN got a TV and DVD player.

So you can afford stuff for your daughter, and have had a party organised for her. You need to see the bigger picture and get over it.

And it's often the easiest, cheapest plastic thing from the supermarket that children like best.

MadameCastafiore · 12/03/2009 18:48

YABU.

Isn't it you bitching about them in another thread too?

Podrick · 12/03/2009 19:04

My dd got a flannel with "baby's first birthday" written on it from my in laws. No party.

You are fortunate indeed with your PIL and it is a real shame that you don't feel that way.

salome64 · 13/03/2009 12:10

perhaps we should have a crap present thread (note, think present just fine in this case!)

My cousin has dined out for years on the story of her father giving her a melon baller and pizza cutter for her 30th birthday! bless.

Wigglesworth · 13/03/2009 12:25

YABU, they threw her a party and bought her a toy what more do you want? So many people moan on here saying that GP buy their DC's way too much stuff. Your DD is only one FFS, she doesn't know it's her B-day. You are acting a little spoilt TBH.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 13/03/2009 13:47

Moop my PIL have never bought my ds anything ever. I know for a fact that they buy their other grandchild very expensive presents (and give cheques too). I honestly don't mind in the slightest because it is just their way and not a reflection on what they think of DS (who I know they adore). I just don't think it is a big deal and think YABU.

apostrophe · 13/03/2009 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 13/03/2009 14:19

my ma bought DS a train from a charity shop and a singing card for his birthday, am pretty sure she bought all other grandchildren more than that.

On the other hand she did fly half way around the world on her own to Kazakh siberia to be there for his first brithday so guess I can't really complain

DS is treated differently to the other GC's in lots of ways - you just have to accept the good bits (and there sound plenty) and let the "injustices" wash over you, if they are anything like my mum, they won;t even remember what they bought the other GC's o their birthday.

JFly · 13/03/2009 14:38

Aw, Moop. I get it. I do.

I don't think you are ungrateful, I'm sure you appreciate the party. But maybe you'd rather have something more meaningful than a £10 plastic toy? Is that it? And if it appears that they put more thought into other GC, then I definitely see where you are coming from.

My parents are such crap gift givers, and to me that means they don't think about it. And it is the thought that counts. That's the point - they didn't think much what was wanted or needed.

I also think a first birthday is a milestone birthday and deserves something special from a grandparent. Not expensive, mind you, but special. In this case, the party was very thoughtful; the gift, maybe not so much.

And FYI, my parents just sent DS a rattle for his first birthday. A rattle????

justkeepingittogether · 13/03/2009 20:01

I don't get the person who says their PIL's buy expensive stuff for other grandchildren and cheques and they don't mind.

I think what the poster is trying to say - in a ham fisted way is that you want parents to make a fuss - particularly of the 1st birthday as it is such a milestone. And also that the whole point is that you don't want to have to ask people - you want people to think about you and your baby and that it is a special time.

OK the comment about the cost was crass and I don't think mean was the right word but it is a feeling that you don't want grandparents to favour grandchildren - it hurts you as a parent.

APerson · 13/03/2009 20:32

moop, you are NOT being unreasonable. My ILs are exactly the same. Niece gets nitendo lite, bike, mobile phone (she's 6) from them for her birthday, DD gets a tenner spent on her.

Since i had a huge argument with them, they have started to be more generous. You can't say you love your GC equally if you don't treat them equally imo

jimmyjammys · 13/03/2009 20:41

I understand where you are coming from Moop, my MIL makes no effort with my DS, live less then 5 min drive away and you would think that he doesn't exist in her life and she shows clear favouritism to other gc. But i think throwing a party and baking a cake is a genuine sign of affection for your ds it was thoughtful of them to do that so you should be thankful that they are not as bad as other PILs.

mumeeee · 13/03/2009 21:54

YABU. They did a party for her and they bought her a present.

TinyC · 13/03/2009 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 13/03/2009 22:57

Please tell me this thread is not for real

Kizzipoppet · 14/03/2009 07:05

My Dad forgets my birthdays, my sisters birthdays and our children;s birthdays.. that's just the way he is (yes, it is hurtful tho!) The fact yours threw a party, provided tea/cake and a £10 present is very generous in time and thought! A young child has no concept of the cost of a present anyhow, sorry, I think YABU!

potatofactory · 14/03/2009 08:28

This thread inevitably going round and round a bit. But - to ineedadvice - that really is outrageous. Why did she phone you up to talk about the table???

Also, blameitonthebogey there must be more to your example, or how can you not mind??? Are you superhumanly tolerant????

potatofactory · 14/03/2009 12:23

they call me the t-h-r-e-a-d-k-i-l-l-e-r-

QuintessentialShadow · 14/03/2009 12:29

You requested them to do a party for your child, AND you expected them to "put more thought into a present than plastic tat from the supermarket", you are one greedy madam!

Did you not at all see the value in their efforts?
I hope you did not let on your misgivings, and I hope your dh is not too ashamed of you...

May I enquire, was it Tesco? They do a pretty fab line of toys......

jeee · 14/03/2009 12:35

We adults think wood is soooooo much more tasteful - but I've yet to meet the 1 year old who does.

KHS · 14/03/2009 12:48

Maybe your PILs can sense a certain level of expectation and lack of gratitude on your part? In my epxeirnece that's not the best incentive to be generous - it's meant to be spontaneous. I'd make them a lovely thank you card with a cute pic of your little one on the big day saying how much you all enjoyed the party and the pressie, and who knows what they'll be inspired to do for you all next year...