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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think PIL were mean with DD's birthday present?

103 replies

Moop · 10/03/2009 15:39

I am interested in what people think about presents for their children from family and especially whether grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren.

We have just had DD first birthday and to be fair to my PIL they did a small birthday party for her at our request and MIL made a cake and did sandiches etc and it was very nice.

The bought her a £10 toy (happened to see it in the shop the other day) nothing else. I feel that they have been/are more generous with their other grandchildren and given they have lots of money I feel that there is a little that we can afford things for our daughter hence they won't spend their money on her and I feel a little hurt that they buy such cheap stuff. I am always hearing how hard up their daughter is (husband is a real joke and they have satelitte tv and designer haircuts and things so not that hard up).

I think that grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren and not assess how much income each of us has (none of their 3 children are badly off and it would be different if one couple was really struggling).

I guess the other thing that annoys me is that they don't ask me if their is anything we would like for her - anything we would find useful - it seems that xmas and birthday so far have been the easiest, cheapest plastic thing from the supermarket.

OP posts:
megcleary · 10/03/2009 15:53

oh and i meant to add YABU and they gave her a gift and a party!

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 15:54

YABU. They did a party for her at your request. She is 1!

MrsMattie · 10/03/2009 15:54

Maybe they just picked up any old thing because they are experienced parents and know that one yr olds are far more likely to want to play with a cardboard box and some wrapping paper than some twee little piece of over priced baby tat?

Tiggiwinkle · 10/03/2009 15:54

I think going to the trouble of having a party and making a cake takes a lot more effort than buying a gift. So YABU-and ungrateful too.

CatchaStar · 10/03/2009 15:54

Can I add something, the most memorable thing they've give her was being there. She'll look back at those 1st birthday photos when she's older and she'll smile at the fact that people who LOVED her where there and threw her a party. She wont ask what presents she got lol.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 10/03/2009 15:55

YABU, a lot of thought would have gone into the party and cake, so what if they bought her a prezzy from the supermarket. You sound petty and childish. Just be glad that your PIL take an interest in your DD.

Your DD is one, she will not even remember her first birthday FGS.

PFB'ness in the extreme.

jesuswhatnext · 10/03/2009 15:56

do you what - i'm an 'older' mum, i can remember my gran making me the most wonderful dollys, with dresses, coats and stuff - she had no money, loads of dgc, treated us all with love, affection etc, we idolised her - bloody hell, we would have got a slap if the monetrey value of our gifts had been questioned.

yab damned u, spoilt and unpleasent and your dc will be the same if you don't change your attitude.

well, you DID ask

Fimbo · 10/03/2009 15:58

I think you are being v unreasonable tbh.

My pil buy far more for my sil's (their daughter) children than mine or dh's brother's children. I don't let it get to me.

Original poster
Moop · 10/03/2009 15:58

OK - I am suitably chastised! I guess the main point was fairness between grandchildren (they also did a birthday party for other grandchild at 1 so not unique).

And sister in law with least money bought the most useful thing because she had listened when we had talked in conversation about swimming - so I am just saying a bit of thought about these things would be nice.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 10/03/2009 16:00

Note: This topic, as you might guess from its title, encourages posters to take sides. This means that posters tend to express their opinions. If you don't want to read posts from people who might strongly disagree with you, you might prefer to post in a different topic area on our site.

Just thought I'd slip this in!

poopscoop · 10/03/2009 16:00

maybe the grands are suffering in the credit crunch along with everyone else in the country?

rubyslippers · 10/03/2009 16:01

Making her a party is THOUGHFUL

making her a home made cake is THOUGHTFUL

you are getting hung up on the wrong bit IMO

i want to know what the present is now!

insertwittynicknameHERE · 10/03/2009 16:01

And TBH it is not about what the grandparents spend on their grandchildren, it is about how much quality time they spend with them making memories.

Some of the best memories I have are of spending time at my GP's house, reading books, baking, learning to play billiards (grandad was a billiards ace ) and I would not swop those memories for ANY amount of money EVER.

nametaken · 10/03/2009 16:01

Moop don't worry about it -

one of my first threads on here was quite similar to yours and I had to sew my head back on by the time this lot had finished

Look on the bright side. Once you've been on MN for a while, you can tell the newbies off for being ungrateful!!!!!!

It is annoying when granparents favour some children but, honestly, there's nothing you can do about it except to resolve never to do the same yourself.

MrsMattie · 10/03/2009 16:03

Look, there's no getting away from the fact that the first grandchild (just like the first child) always gets the biggest fuss made of them. It's the law. Might not be fair, but life isn't fair etc etc

Your second child will have one poorly shot photo of his/her first birthday party. Your third child won't even have a party

Blu · 10/03/2009 16:03

What was the present?

Are you sure they didn't put thought into it?

They may have thought it was brilliant!

Anyway, since they are involved, held a party, etc, DO NOT under any circumstances start any sort of atmosphere over this. You may find that as she grows and becomes much more aware of presents they will become incredibly generous in a financial way. Don't forget, they ar experienced gps - it sounds as if they have grandchildren older than yours - they know, now, that presents on 1st birthdays are pretty pointless - except to please the parents!

Be gracious and lovely. Just stop thinking in this 'tot up and compare' way, it is unseemly.

RedOnHerHead · 10/03/2009 16:07

has your daughter played with it?
does she like it?
if so, who cares? really? One year olds are difficult to buy for anyway - how do you know they didn't spend ages woryying what to get for her and when they saw that present they thought is was perfect for her?
You don't know otherwise do you?
incidentally, what was it that was so unthoughtful?

beanieb · 10/03/2009 16:12

YABU, apart from the fact that according to you they lavish extra or more expensive presents on their other grand-children. Even this, IMO, is acceptable if the children are a little older and actually know what's going on.

psychomum5 · 10/03/2009 16:28

oh, YABVU

and slightly materialistic too.

sure this has been asked (and confirmed), but is your DD your first child??

HecatesTwopenceworth · 10/03/2009 16:34

It's all been said really. you don't need yet another person saying the same thing so will just say that it's great how you've taken it on the chin. You asked for opinions and you got them, but unlike many, you didn't have a tantrum about it. Good for you!

mm22bys · 10/03/2009 16:37

YABU.

Qally · 10/03/2009 16:40

I'd far rather my son's gp threw him a little party, than spent a fortune on some toy he won't care about and I'd have to make sure wasn't lost/broken. And I wouldn't really want to teach him that love can be measured in money spent on presents, either.

It's also reasonable to spend a bit more on a child if the family is comparatively struggling, IMO. It's not reasonable to think there's any less love there when the GP have gone to all the time, trouble, and actually expense, of a party. They're assuming that a 1 year old won't really care about a present (accurately) but will about love and time. Some IL things on here make my toes curl, but here I do think YABU. You have kind, involved, engaged but not intrusive in-laws. That sounds pretty ideal, really. I've also seen posts about gp buying horrendously expensive presents, and that making the mother feel wrong-footed and displaced. It looks a bit lose/lose, in fact.

Qally · 10/03/2009 16:41

Oops, just read the thread - didn't mean to beat the dead horse, make a rug from the hide & sell the flesh to Pedigree Chum, sorry!

georgimama · 10/03/2009 16:45

This has moved on, but DS tends to love silly cheapy little presents, and be a bit over-whelmed by big super-duper expensive whizz bang things to the point that he ignores them.

Some of the best toys we have bought for him, in terms of his enjoyment of them, have been from Ikea. My mum has bought loads of toys to keep at her house for the kids to play with from charity shops.

Lulumama · 10/03/2009 16:48

seeing as we have established you are being VVVU, i will just say, i did not buy DD anything for her first birthday