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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think PIL were mean with DD's birthday present?

103 replies

Moop · 10/03/2009 15:39

I am interested in what people think about presents for their children from family and especially whether grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren.

We have just had DD first birthday and to be fair to my PIL they did a small birthday party for her at our request and MIL made a cake and did sandiches etc and it was very nice.

The bought her a £10 toy (happened to see it in the shop the other day) nothing else. I feel that they have been/are more generous with their other grandchildren and given they have lots of money I feel that there is a little that we can afford things for our daughter hence they won't spend their money on her and I feel a little hurt that they buy such cheap stuff. I am always hearing how hard up their daughter is (husband is a real joke and they have satelitte tv and designer haircuts and things so not that hard up).

I think that grandparents should be fair between their grandchildren and not assess how much income each of us has (none of their 3 children are badly off and it would be different if one couple was really struggling).

I guess the other thing that annoys me is that they don't ask me if their is anything we would like for her - anything we would find useful - it seems that xmas and birthday so far have been the easiest, cheapest plastic thing from the supermarket.

OP posts:
Qally · 10/03/2009 16:56

Georgiemama, I'd so agree with that. My MIL rather nervously asked if I minded her getting DS some charity shop toys, and I was really touched she was bothering to, and pleased at the common sense/lack of competitive spirit of the suggestion. We have a difficult relationship, so common ground is definitely something to be seized upon, IMO! And I got the best book ever from a FARA shop this weekend - the touching tale of [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Walter-Farting-Dog-William-Kotzwinkle/dp/1583940537/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=bo oks&qid=1236703969&sr=1-1 Walter the Farting Dog]]. Pure genius.

ladyhelen2 · 10/03/2009 16:58

I think you are BU but I kind of see where you are coming from.

At least your PIL did the party which is what makes you a bit unreasonable on this, but I have a similar prob re gifts from the PIL. If my PIL actually made the effort to see my DS more often I don't think the gifting thing would be an issue (DS's first Xmas - 2 board books with prices left on - £2.99 if you are interested!) . Or when we invite them to come and stay for a couple of days that co-incides with DS's 2nd birthday, it would be nice not to be refused because FIL doesn't "do" childrens birthday parties - it was DS and 4 of his little pals with my parents FFS!

As it stands, I can see favouritism towards the other 3 grandchildren as they are all the PILs talk about when they come and see us. The gifting thing grates because its on top of this. They are more generous towards them than our DS and indeed to DH's sisters than towards him. So I kind of see where you are coming from, but at least yours made the effort to see your DD on her first birthday plus party which I think in the long run is much nicer than a present.

OrmIrian · 10/03/2009 16:59

She's 1. She won't care.

She had a party. Let that be enough.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/03/2009 18:52

YABVU, materalistic and sound like a spoilt child tbh.

I actually cant believe you "requested" the party, if you wanted one you should have arranged it yourself.

The cost of the present is irrelevant, its the thougt that counts. I also dont see why you think they should ask what gift to give, it takes away the pleasure of shopping for grandchildren.

I think you should count your lucky stars that they are good grandparents and take an interest. Some of us dont have our parents around and would have just loved for them to meet their grandchildren and not given a monkeys about gifts.

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 19:12

I think that the first birthday is one where they don't need much in the way of presents-they don't know who is giving it and they are just as happy with the wrapping paper!
I would imagine from your post that your DC isn't lacking in material goods so it really doesn't matter.Their time and love are far more important. (I think £10 is quite a lot anyway.)

flowerybeanbag · 10/03/2009 19:20

I have a bit of sympathy with the whole equality between grandchildren thing, but what with you 'requesting' that they do a party for your DD and then being annoyed that they don't ask you what you want them to buy her you are sounding very grasping and ungrateful tbh.

More thought has to go into choosing something themselves than just buying something from a list provided by you anyway. They presumably went to the supermarket themselves and selected this toy from an aisle full of plastic tat as the thing they'd like to buy her.

Doing a party for her is really lovely of them.

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 19:24

I think they need equality-but it really doesn't matter for a 1 yr old who couldn't care less.

SerendipitousHarlot · 10/03/2009 20:04

YABVU

And ungrateful, frankly.

PuppyMonkey · 10/03/2009 20:07

For all you know the parents of the other grandchildren are pissed off because you got such a nice deal with the party and having sandwiches made etc.

PuppyMonkey · 10/03/2009 20:08

I just re-read my post and feel it makes no sene. What I mean is, there are more ways to be unequal iuswim...

PuppyMonkey · 10/03/2009 20:09

oh ffs, sense.

Thunderduck · 10/03/2009 20:13

YABVVU.

lilacclaire · 10/03/2009 20:16

Yes yabu, but I guess you've gathered that now.
My ds played with the cardboard box my mum got her tv in for about a month until it had to go out! He was devastated, kids don't care about how much stuff costs so dont stress about it.
Oh, and I buy loads of kids presents from the supermarket (with thought)

Portofino · 10/03/2009 20:19

It is my dd's 5th birthday tomorrow. My dad has never once even remembered it, let alone sent any pressies. YABU. At least they are making an effort. It's not about cash.

Original poster
Moop · 10/03/2009 20:35

Crikey - I have stirred up a hornet's nest! fair play - everyone seems to be saying I am being unreasonable and happy to take it on the chin - I guess mean was the wrong word to use. Just to be clear - grandparents aren't old - they play tennis 3 times a week so very active - the other granddaughter is their 3 rd grandchild and they do appear to be favouring her over the others - often telling us how lovely she is and lets hope our daughter is like her etc - I don't want to have myself looking for comparisons because it is the road to ruin - but I DO NOT like the thought of grandparents playing favourites - whether it is their time, affection or money - I just think it is unfair and grandparents should try hard not to do it.

My comment was more a feeling that they were being cheap IN COMPARISON to what they have done for other grandchildren and that is something I don't like. Totally agree with the sentiments re: the presents themselves don't matter etc. Sorry it came across as shallow because it wasn;t the main reason for my thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moop · 10/03/2009 20:44

Can I also say having read some posts - we don't live in the UK anymore so it was a suggestion we come back for her birthday and have a family get together.
As for the not having grandparents - my daughter doesn't have them on my side - unlike the other grandchildren who have two lots of grandparents.

I like the stuff about the charity shop - it's not money - it's thought and maybe them talking so much about grandchild no3 just gets on my nerves a bit.

OP posts:
CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 10/03/2009 20:49

"We have just had DD first birthday and to be fair to my PIL they did a small birthday party for her at our request and MIL made a cake and did sandiches etc and it was very nice"

I think that what your PIL did for you dd is far more valuable than any 'present'

you are lucky to have them!

deckchair · 10/03/2009 21:58

Goodness if my mil / fil and step mil bothered to do things for my lo I would be over the moon. The party sounds lovely - be grateful they took the hassle away from you.

I understand your point about treating children fairly though. If pil treated my dc equally I would also be overjoyed.
My mum has not got much cash but she spends the same on each - even down to the penny.

The sentiment, time and effort your pil put in is priceless.

Brangelina · 10/03/2009 22:01

Blimey, I don't think I spent anything near £10 on my DD's first bday present. They really don't notice at that age so imo you should just make the most of it while you can. I'd just be grateful they did a little party

deckchair · 10/03/2009 22:02

And to add, my dear dear dad never met my children as he passed away the month before my first lo was conceived.
Please be grateful your dd has the chance to meet her gp. It's really not about the money.

applepudding · 10/03/2009 22:19

No point in spending money unnecessarily on something a one-year old wont appreciate.

The time will come when your DC won't be satisfied with presents from the poundshop - so save your and PIL's money until your DC is demanding everything advertised between the cartoons on TV!!

piscesmoon · 10/03/2009 22:20

It doesn't sound like favouritism, probably the other grandchildren live nearer so the see more of them, have had them longer and it is natural to talk about them a lot,you are perhaps reading too much into it.

INeedAdvice · 10/03/2009 22:21

At least your PIL made some effort, mine hardly acknowledge my dc's, always citing some reason why it is too difficult to visit (we live about an hour away by plane).

Funny how a trip to New Zealand wasn't too difficult for them recently, to spend time with their grandchildren out there and make a 1st birthday party!!

They have seen my dc's for a couple of days in the last few years, at least my parents know how to behave as grandparents.

Lostmykeys · 10/03/2009 22:26

Moop I thoroughly support you on this. I have exactly the same problem with my PIL. Unless you have been there it is difficult to understand. I was even told when I first announced I was pregnant it wasn;t the same as your own daughter getting pregnant. I do the same as you - ignore, still call in, carry on as normal, but my does it grate and it will cause problems when cousins are old enough to understand.

INeedAdvice · 10/03/2009 22:28

mind you, have just been reminded of how I felt with the present dc1 received on their 1st birthday from PIL.

MIL phoned me one day, a few weeks before 1st birthday, and went on and on about the fantastic sand and water table they had bought for one of their other grandchildren, cost £35+.

Dc1 got a £2.99 top from Tescos that didn't even fit!!

So, kind of know how you feel, but at least they made an effort with the party, my pil were only living a short drive from us at the time and were too busy on the day.

They are both retired!!