...or lazy to pay for a cleaner when I'm a SAHM?

[WhoAmILike]

I'm a SAHM with 3 DC aged 5, 3 and 5 months old.
Like all SAHMs I live a Groundhog Day of school run, appointments, shopping, washing up, laundry, cooking, cleaning, parenting, organising etc, etc.
DH works very hard and unfortunately far from home so is away 12 hrs a day often coming home once the kids are in their PJs.
Now I know our house isn't a show home, it's cluttered with toys which irritates the hell outta me but hey the kids have very generous relatives.
This weekend DH (who suffers from dust allergies) criticised about the lack of cleaning that was evident to him in the house, he reckoned he had to take Claritin because the house is so dusty.
I said that I do what I can when I can and I only have small windows to perform tasks especially with a baby that starts to gripe if left to play alone for more than 15 minutes to which he kindly (NOT), suggested I do a small portion of vaccing/dusting behind the furniture and under the beds everyday to keep on top of the dust build up.
As it is most jobs are done with DD strapped to me otherwise I'd get nothing done. My nearest relative lives 30 miles away, so it's not like I have someone at my disposal to whom I could entrust the baby whilst I do a more thorough vac/dust. I do everything around here Mon - Fri.
So DS1 at school for 9am, DS2 at preschool for 9:30am with a 12pm finish and DD with me all day so on top of everything else that is done from the time I open my eyes till approx 9pm at night, I've got to shift furniture on a daily routine for vaccing/dusting?
DD is exclusively BF and since her birth I have been out without her on only 3 occasions, DH on the other hand goes out to his mates at least 4 nights a week and plays sport on another night.
So, am I being unreasonable to think FCUK the extra housework, I'm no skivvy and I aint killing myself for anybody, I intend to spend £12p/h per domestic cleaner of his hard earned cash to do a one off top to bottom blowout on this dusty house behind his back?

Just occured to me - if he's bothered about dust under sofas, why not get a Roomba (or two)? I don't have one, but there's been lots of threads where people rave about them.

Do you mind me asking how much they charged and were they private or a company?? Oh, and YANBU! My dh was the same when my three were little, always out doing sport or something like that. It drove me mad, and funnily enough he said the dust aggrivated his asthma!!! Thats a while ago now and he still hasn't improved in helping round the house etc., I could never get a cleaner though, can't afford it, infact i am a cleaner for other people!!
Things do get abit easier as they get older, you still only have small windows for cleaning due to work/school/taxi-ing the kids around but atleast they can occupy themselves whilst you get on abit.
I say, if you can afford it, have them in abit more regularly, give yourself a break

Thsi is what happens when women are stupid enough to give up full time work. You lose your economic power and you end up with men like this who exploit you. When I had a new baby, a 1 year old and 3 year old I worked full time. We couldn't afford a cleaner for a few years but we certainly did half the domestic work and childcare each and would never have had a position where one went out more than the other at nights. Unfair sexist relationships always cause women problems. Don't ever become a housewife otherwise these issues occur. Therein lies the real problem - power and money and exploitation of women by men because women have chosen to be domestic slaves.

YANBU to want to have help. However, IMHO, that help should be your DH, not a hired hand. He should be spending more time with you and his children, not his friends. Your DH needs to learn that marriage is a partnership and raising your children requires both of you working together.

IMO, he is selfish and in your shoes, I would not respect his behaviour but then,this would not have happened and my DH knows it!

Xenia, please do not make assumptions about the lives of stay at home Mums. I can assure you that we are not all exploited by men, infact, some of us (can you believe it) actually have an EQUAL relationship. Choosing to be a SAHM does not mean that you become submissive.

everyone i know i has a cleaner, even single career girls in pokey one bedroom flats. i have one twice a week and its bliss. you cant do it all yanbu.

WhoAmILike - you also work long hard hours and should be entitled to an equal amount of time off. Five nights - that's so ridiculous. Please don't let your DH get away with that kind of behaviour. If only because it will send the wrong messages to your sons and there goes another generation.

Xenia, very boring. Please go back to Feminism for Dummmies, it doesn't seem like you got very far.

You have two problems - housekeeping and him going out.
Housekeeping - you are doing the childcare (which has a high value) and he is working. In your situation I would not be asking about getting a cleaner I'd be asking how many hours for. I think you should be getting someone in to help virtually daily (cleaning, ironing and someone to take the kids off your hands for a few hours).
Going out - you should get to go out as much as he does so he needs to cut the number of nights out a week by at least half and if he'd not happy for you to go out twice a week he needs to cut it down even more.
I would also give him a kick up the backside.

Xenia, your comment 'this is what happens when women are stupid enough to give up full time work' came right after my post. Not sure if you were referring to me or not. But........i personally did NOT give up full time work, i was working full time as a cleaner.....oh yes, not a full on big paying, 'important' job like yours is, or so i hear, but i was still working, didn't stop my dh being a lazy pig.
Your comments, although sometimes interesting are just your opinion not gospel!

I?m £60 lighter.
He came home early, whilst I was out picking up the boy?s so I thought cool he?ll see the house all pristine, untouched by mess magnet boys and he didn?t even notice.
He apologised for speaking to me so badly, he truly recognises how hard I work, constantly!
He?s now just gone out...
Posting on Mumsnet can sometimes be a preverbal slap in the face; you?re not often ready to see what?s right in front of your nose.
I feel utterly miserable now.
When baby is less dependent upon my breasts my freedom will be restored.
DH has never, ever, stopped me from doing anything I?ve wanted. I have been known to go out more than him at times and I am the bar and night club type of gal.
Mumsnet is making me psycho analyse my relationship and it?s making me feel uncomfortable.
I do, honestly, appreciate your frank posts, thanks for showing an interest.

I always feel wryly amused when people feel they should have to justify a cleaner. As another poster said - its just another service to buy in, like paying for a haircut or getting your car serviced. There is no moral / ethical or other dilemma to it (other than whether you are paying a fair wage etc)

JFDI

Don't make these posts make you feel bad about your relationship. You have the whole picture and we don't. People are just trying to be supportive and cheer you on - sometimes it is an excuse to vent about things that annoy us about our own relationships or just hypothetically about behaviours that annoy us.

We all have these little 'issues' with our other halves and generally speaking when mentioning them to friends and family I end up defending my DH as well because I also know all the wonderful things he does. I am sure your DH is the same

Enjoy your clean house!

Doesn't matter if DH didn't notice - it is more important that he apologised and recognised he has been unreasonable.

Don't let us upset you or make you find fault with your relationship if you are happy with how things are. I suppose some of us are just shocked at the way you live only because it is not the way we chose to live. On the other hand who says we have it right (even Xenia and her 1970's ranting feminism). You don't have to justify yourselves to us. If you are happy (apart from the cleaning issue) then carry on!

Xenia I find your last post patronising and irritating (to put it nicely). That may have been your experience of giving up work, but definately isn't mine.
I SAHM with DH in full time work. We do equal chores with the children and house, infact because of the logistics he probably does more.
He washes, irons, sometimes cooks dinner, bathes the dcs and puts one to bed. He does everything on the weekend except we alternate having a lie in.
I do everything for dcs during the day and rarely have time for chores ( I am currently on my 30 mins lunch break!).
The issue is the relationship you have with your partner and what sort of person they are IMO, not whether you work or not.
FWIW I view the long term gain of spending time with my dcs when they are small as far more rewarding than any job and am not so mercenary/materialistic as you appear to be. I see it as me holding the power because DH has to pay for me and has no option but to work. I could choose to stay home, which he would have loved to do.

If I could I would but they only really need to come for about 2-3 hours twice a week. I used to work for a cleaning company and the ladies of the house usually did their ironing themselves or sent it somewhere to be done and we came in every mon and fri during the day, to vac dust and general other jobs.

Having 3 kids myself all under 8 I know how much they get under your feet nand jobs never seam to be compleated Partners never seam to understand this, I mean the kids are never as bad when the partners home are they!! My hubby thinks I am being to tough somethmes on them but then he hasn't had to put up with it all day! But if they do start to annoy him even the sightest he is all up and why are they like this can't they do as they are told etc but they are just being normal at this point not as bad as they can be.

I think the cleaning is the least of your problems.

The fact that your DP works long days, and then buggers off round to his mates house like a teenager to watch film , whilst you have been at home with 3 young kids all day. What do you of an evening on your own. What a lonely bloody existence. Feel on your behalf.

He needs to grow up frankly and dedicate some evening time to you, otherwise to be frank you will just grow apart. he should realise that you and your kids come top, not his 'wind down' evenings watching stupid films with his single friend. You may as well be single at the rate.

WhoAmILike - sorry that you feel bad

Is it that we are making you question some aspects of your relationship and you are finding them lacking, or is it that we are criticising your DH when you feel we don't have the 'whole picture' so you feel disloyal for having written this about him?

I think we were all shocked at how much time your DH spends out at his mates house etc and feel for you stuck in Groundhog day, it's not a situation most of us would choose - but as others have said, if you are happy with it, then that's ok isn't it!! If you aren't, you can see you aren't being unreasonable to feel pissed off, if it was most of us, he'd be lucky not to be wearing his testicles as earings!!!

yanbu.
go for it

YANBU. I have a cleaning team that come in for 3hrs every 2 weeks. I have to tidy like a maniac (and am seriously tempted to chuck all toys left on the floor into a bin liner & give them to charity - that would shake the dc up a bit!) The cleaning is essential to me & what this team does in 3 hours would easily take me 3 days at least. SAHMs work very hard but aren't paid for it! Grrrrr!

YANBU. If his going out doesn't bother you, then it's fine, and as you said, once the baby's a little older, you'll have more freedom too. If it bugs you, ask him to cut back a night or so.

But yeah, hire a cleaner to come in once a week or so if you can afford it! I only have one DS and would LOVE to have someone come in and help. I am just not good at housework, and if I had the money you can bet your boots I'd get the help.

Xenia, I (and many other SAHM I know) are "domestic slaves". I stay home part-time with our son because I'm the most reasonable one to do so. I made far, far less money at my job than my husband does/did, and I'm just plain better at the house/child stuff. (Because it's my natural disposition, not because I'm a woman.) My DH pulls his weight during the evenings and weekends, and respects what I do as equal work. For you to imply otherwise is insulting, though I realize you're entitled to your opinion.

... but YABU to put up with your dh out 4 nights a week! Fcking hll! How does he dare?

You should hire a cleaner, but only as a one off to get a 'crisis clean' done.

After that try getting involved with www.flylady.net incredibly cheesey and sometimes downright annoying, but it works (even with a baby)

I just saw this thread and have not the other 123 posts but - WTF?? No of course YANBU. You didn't need to write that long spiel to justify yourself either; the title of the post would have been enough. Before I plough through to the end of this thread, have you organised the cleaner yet?

If you are a SAHM with 3 small DC you deserve a lot of domestic help - and since your DH cannot possibly be expected to do much since he works such long hours, you should definitely hire a cleaner if you can afford one.

YANBU

It does make me laugh that people seem amazed about being able to 'afford' a cleaner, while on other threads are talking about marble tops in their kitchen. Mine costs £15 a week, I couldn't live without her - it's amazing what she achieves in an hour and a half. OK I realise that many people don't have that money spare but it isn't really that much.

I think though that Xenia has a point, although it is put in a rather extreme way. I really think that if I gave up work it would alter my relationship with DH. It also does give them power in the relationship, whether you are submissive or not because you end up in a situation where it would be practically impossible to leave. I prefer to keep financial independence, personally.