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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or lazy to pay for a cleaner when I'm a SAHM?

132 replies

WhoAmILike · 09/03/2009 23:43

I'm a SAHM with 3 DC aged 5, 3 and 5 months old.
Like all SAHMs I live a Groundhog Day of school run, appointments, shopping, washing up, laundry, cooking, cleaning, parenting, organising etc, etc.
DH works very hard and unfortunately far from home so is away 12 hrs a day often coming home once the kids are in their PJs.
Now I know our house isn't a show home, it's cluttered with toys which irritates the hell outta me but hey the kids have very generous relatives.
This weekend DH (who suffers from dust allergies) criticised about the lack of cleaning that was evident to him in the house, he reckoned he had to take Claritin because the house is so dusty.
I said that I do what I can when I can and I only have small windows to perform tasks especially with a baby that starts to gripe if left to play alone for more than 15 minutes to which he kindly (NOT), suggested I do a small portion of vaccing/dusting behind the furniture and under the beds everyday to keep on top of the dust build up.
As it is most jobs are done with DD strapped to me otherwise I'd get nothing done. My nearest relative lives 30 miles away, so it's not like I have someone at my disposal to whom I could entrust the baby whilst I do a more thorough vac/dust. I do everything around here Mon - Fri.
So DS1 at school for 9am, DS2 at preschool for 9:30am with a 12pm finish and DD with me all day so on top of everything else that is done from the time I open my eyes till approx 9pm at night, I've got to shift furniture on a daily routine for vaccing/dusting?
DD is exclusively BF and since her birth I have been out without her on only 3 occasions, DH on the other hand goes out to his mates at least 4 nights a week and plays sport on another night.
So, am I being unreasonable to think FCUK the extra housework, I'm no skivvy and I aint killing myself for anybody, I intend to spend £12p/h per domestic cleaner of his hard earned cash to do a one off top to bottom blowout on this dusty house behind his back?

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 10/03/2009 08:32

Also him going out 4 nights a week is awful when you have been at home with the children all day, yes he has been working all day but so have you. I think it is reasonable to say that he goes out once a week TBH and then you could get chance to go out and relax and leave him with the DC for a bit. He sounds quite selfish.

nannyL · 10/03/2009 08:38

YANBU

get a cleaner

Niecie · 10/03/2009 09:14

Actually coming back to this I also take issue with the fact that you call it his money - surely you are a team, even if you have paid employment and it is a joint pot and should be called our money?

I don't think you are doing yourself any favours by calling it 'his money' - you have as much right to spend what is a relatively small amount to help yourself especially if it is ultimately for your DH's benefit.

He isn't out 4 nights a week either - he is out 4 nights and plays sport on another night. He is out as much as 5 nights a week! I assume at least one of those is a weekend night. When do you get time off OP? Never mind getting a cleaner, get your DH to stay home occasionally so that you can do your own thing too!

Just as a matter of interest does he spend time with other married men or are his mates single?

Rollmops · 10/03/2009 09:15

YNBU the slightest! I wonder how he would fare if left alone with the kids?
How much of the cleaning would he get done? Why not try that?

LucyEllensmummy · 10/03/2009 09:17

YABU to have three children, a pernikity husband to even question whether you should get a cleaner!!! If you can afford it, get one! It will free you up to do more stuff with the children - or even get a five minute break - steady on!!!

How would you make it work though - if you are like me there is stuff everywhere and even if i could afford it, i couldnt have one because the house is too untidy to make having a cleaner feasable.

12p/h That seems OTT to me, but i suppose it would depend where you are - actually, scrub that, if you are anywhere near me - i'll do it for 11!! . I really like cleaning, but i hate tidying! I could spend the 11p/h you give me to pay someone to tidy up for me.

On a serious note - don't go behind your DHs back. I think he was out of order the way he spoke to you - whats a bit of dust between friends/lovers. Well, quite alot i guess if you have an allergy - i suffer from hayfever and in the summer dust is a big problem for me. It seems to me that a cleaner is an ideal solution, she has time to dust properly etc. Be careful re cleaning products, could it be that he is allergic to what you are cleaning with. Do you have HEPA filters on your vaccuum?

Anyway, thats my 25 pence worth.

compo · 10/03/2009 09:22

what on earyh does he do round his mate's house 4 times a week? what about spending time with his wife?

TheCrackFox · 10/03/2009 09:28

Good God get a cleaner and while you are at it get a divorce lawyer. He is out 5 nights a week and thinks he can tell you how to do the housework .

NewTeacher · 10/03/2009 09:28

Being a SAHM IS a full time job. So YANBU!!!

Get yourself a cleaner and de stress your life!

Tell DH he needs to take you out every now and then too!

McDreamy · 10/03/2009 09:35

Get a cleaner! I have just had baby no 3 and I am sat here feeding her waiting for a cleaning company to get back to me. I want them to clean once a week and on the first week I want my oven cleaned. I also send out some of my ironing and have my windows cleaned every 6 weeks.

I did feel guilty to start with but the alternative is to put my 3 year old DS in front of the tv while I do it all or we can put our wellies on and go and explore the park/woods go to mums and tots/ see a friend - you get the idea!

If you can afford it - do it!

akhems · 10/03/2009 09:35

My dc are grown and left home, there's just me and my partner in the house and I have a cleaner for 5 hours a week.. how lazy must I be?

Get one!!! it will save arguments and stress and give you more time for the children and you'll feel much more relaxed about things. You'll also find it easier to keep on top of things because it doesn't have time to become a huge task

EdwardBear · 10/03/2009 09:37

Get a cleaner on a weekly basis to keep on top of the dust and TELL your DH that you are doing it!
Dont do it behind his back as you'll continue the pretence that you should be doing everything while he goes out all the time.
If one day the cleaner (or you) is sick and nothing gets done then how will you explain it?
Plus I assume you have a portion of his wages put aside for groceries, your essentials etc - will you have to pay for the cleaner out of that money if you keep it secret? rather than out of your DH's 'going out money'?

swanriver · 10/03/2009 09:45

If you want one get one.
It is no different to paying for a haircut, a pint, a cappucino, a new pair of shoes.
Some people don't LIKE having a cleaner that's the reason they don't have one, it's not always (tho' in some cases certainly) financial.
I used to have a cleaner when I had three very little ones, but in the end realised that only I had the skill and daring to reorganise house - to make it easier to clean .

Wheelybug · 10/03/2009 09:49

Get a cleaner if you can afford it - I have 1 dd (another dc due on friday) and have had a cleaner for about 9 months. DH also is out of the house 12 hours or more so doesn't have time/want to help with housework so we decided to get a cleaner and its great.

£12 an hour seems a lot though - I pay £9 in London and this seems to be the going rate although this isn't through an agency which would push prices up.

nickytwotimes · 10/03/2009 09:57

I think the cleaner issue is the least of the problems here.
I think your dh is behaving like an arse.
I am a sahm to ONE and don't always manage to keep the place the way I like it so dh does a bit too, despite working hard outside the home. I would be raging if dh complained like yours has. My job is to look after our child and do the bulk of the housey things around his needs. It is not my job or yours to keep your home spotless while he goes off by himself.

Sorry, I am sure your dh is great in most ways, but this really angers me. You are being treated like the bloody hired help.

mm22bys · 10/03/2009 10:24

YANBU. End of.

mm22bys · 10/03/2009 10:26

I am a SAHM, and have two DCs. DC1 is at school, but I am very busy with DS2.

We have nearly always had a cleaner, it costs £30 once a week for 3 hours work, she does (did) a great job, and it is great once a week to have the place clean.

We actually don't have one now because she sacked us because she is pregnant (don't blame her in the slightest!), and the house is suffering for it...

All the best, YANBU

TinyC · 10/03/2009 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wotulookinat · 10/03/2009 10:59

YANBU I would kill for a cleaner! You go for it!

idlingabout · 10/03/2009 11:18

I have always been intrigued as to why anything other than looking after the child is seen as the duty of a SAHM. Of course available time comes into things but should be part of a sensibly agreed division of labour in the home. It seems (from the myriad posts on MN) that there are far too many dh / dp's who seem to think that it is ok for them to have free time but that the SAHM is on 24 hour duty for everything that isn't paid work.

BonsoirAnna · 10/03/2009 11:21

If you have three small children and a DH who works too long hours to help in the house, you need and deserve a cleaner .

Rindercella · 10/03/2009 11:34

YANBU. I am a SAHM to just one 18 month DD. I have someone come in once a fortnight for 3 hours.

Your DH on the other hand is nbeing very unreasonable by going out with his mates 4 times a week! Yes, he may work hard, but so do you - I am sure you do not sit on your arse watching Trisha or whatever all day. Perhaps your DH oculd take a week off work and live your life (excl the b/fing of course) and see if he manages to hoover behind the sofa! on your behalf. Oh, and it is your money too, not just his.

ThingOne · 10/03/2009 11:52

YANBU. And get an agency in to do a deep clean before you start having a regular cleaner. Mine are five and nearly three and it's still hard to manage a thorough spring clean from top to bottom as by the time you've spent your two child free sessions doing on or two rooms the rest of the house becomes a tip.

georgimama · 10/03/2009 12:01

YANBU. If your joint budget can handle him going out 4 nights a week (even just at a mate's house there is bound to be pizza, beer etc involved) then you can afford a cleaner for 3 hours a week to keep on top of things.

Would also suggest you find an ironing service, I hate ironing. My lovely mum is our cleaner once a week and she does our ironing too (whatever is in the ironing basket when she comes anyway). I couldn't cope without her.

FlorenceAndtheWashingMachine · 10/03/2009 12:15

YANBU. He is taking the pee not you.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/03/2009 12:38

What a unanimous (sp) thread!!!! Yuu are totally NBU, If I could afford it I would be doing the same.

Good Luck and I wouldn't hide it be brazen!!!