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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or lazy to pay for a cleaner when I'm a SAHM?

132 replies

WhoAmILike · 09/03/2009 23:43

I'm a SAHM with 3 DC aged 5, 3 and 5 months old.
Like all SAHMs I live a Groundhog Day of school run, appointments, shopping, washing up, laundry, cooking, cleaning, parenting, organising etc, etc.
DH works very hard and unfortunately far from home so is away 12 hrs a day often coming home once the kids are in their PJs.
Now I know our house isn't a show home, it's cluttered with toys which irritates the hell outta me but hey the kids have very generous relatives.
This weekend DH (who suffers from dust allergies) criticised about the lack of cleaning that was evident to him in the house, he reckoned he had to take Claritin because the house is so dusty.
I said that I do what I can when I can and I only have small windows to perform tasks especially with a baby that starts to gripe if left to play alone for more than 15 minutes to which he kindly (NOT), suggested I do a small portion of vaccing/dusting behind the furniture and under the beds everyday to keep on top of the dust build up.
As it is most jobs are done with DD strapped to me otherwise I'd get nothing done. My nearest relative lives 30 miles away, so it's not like I have someone at my disposal to whom I could entrust the baby whilst I do a more thorough vac/dust. I do everything around here Mon - Fri.
So DS1 at school for 9am, DS2 at preschool for 9:30am with a 12pm finish and DD with me all day so on top of everything else that is done from the time I open my eyes till approx 9pm at night, I've got to shift furniture on a daily routine for vaccing/dusting?
DD is exclusively BF and since her birth I have been out without her on only 3 occasions, DH on the other hand goes out to his mates at least 4 nights a week and plays sport on another night.
So, am I being unreasonable to think FCUK the extra housework, I'm no skivvy and I aint killing myself for anybody, I intend to spend £12p/h per domestic cleaner of his hard earned cash to do a one off top to bottom blowout on this dusty house behind his back?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

georgimama · 10/03/2009 16:12

Plenty of women manage - my grandmother managed to feed, clothe, and run a home for 2 adults and five children on the wages of a lorry driver. She did the washing in the kitchen sink using a mangle. I could manage this too if I tried. Are you suggesting I ought to?

Life isn't just about managing, getting by, or being a martyr. There's more to it than that and as far as anyone can tell we only get one.

The OP is a SAHM, not a domestic slave. She has three small children and a husband who works long hours and pleases himself the rest of the time. She's got enough to do. Even if she hadn't, even if she lay on the sofa eating grapes whilst the cleaner cleaned, if she can afford it, why the hell not?

belgo · 10/03/2009 16:14

It is a question of priorities and how you consider your money is worth spending.

It is clearly an issue the OP's dh going out five nights a week, whether they have a cleaner or not, I don't think that's acceptable when you have three children under five.

belgo · 10/03/2009 16:17

and I don't believe in women slaving away keeping their house pristine when they could afford a cleaner. And if they can't afford a cleaner I think they should just lower their standards and have a messy house. Cleaning products are bad for the environment anyway, and hoovering uses up loads of electricity.

In fact I think all of us should lower our standards of cleaniness

staranise · 10/03/2009 16:32

I am also a SAHM with three DCs roughly the same age as yours. I have a cleaner for three hours a week and I don't feel the need to justify it. My DH works reasonably long hours and is great around the house but why would we want to spend more time than is strictly necessary doing housework if we can afford help?

My cleaner is on holiday for two weeks and I've been trying to clean the house today in between school run, breastfeeds, normal chores etc (it's not like you never have to clean/tidy up/cook/do laundry even with weekly help) - I have managed a fifth of what she normally does.

Plus, my life is chaotic enough - a clean hosue helps me feel more in control.

YA so NBU...

OrmIrian · 10/03/2009 16:33

If you can afford it do it. I would.

somuchtrouble · 10/03/2009 16:34

You may be able to manage without a cleaner but who the hell wants to if they don't have to?

stephla · 10/03/2009 16:46

Agreed. I think our cleaner saved our marriage. I see it as money saved. But franklym I am surprised your husband spends enough time in your house to inhale any dust. The standards of cleaning are very low in pubs and such like. Maybe he should cut down on this kind of activity and see if his allergies improve ;-)

Bonnycat · 10/03/2009 20:19

I think what i would do is go out for the day and leave him with the children,see how much he gets done!
If nothing else it might make him see how hard it is for you.
YADNBU

toddlerama · 10/03/2009 20:36

YANBU. I long for the day that my DH gets so fed up with my crap cleaning that he agrees to a cleaner....

So far he just huffs a bit and does it himself.

BirdyArms · 10/03/2009 20:42

You definitely need a cleaner. £12 per hour is too much though, I pay £8 in central London which I know is quite cheap (she's not great though) but don't know anyone who pays more than £10.

Also think that you dh is going out an unreasonable amount but I guess that's now what your asking our opinion on. Mine is out probably 3 night a week (1 sport, 1 work social and 1 mates) and I think that's a lot.

bohemianbint · 10/03/2009 20:50

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

bohemianbint · 10/03/2009 20:51

(sorry - random post - it just makes me feel better about my non existent dusting)

spicemonster · 10/03/2009 20:54

You have 3 kids and only one is school age so no, YANBU. If they're all at school then you would be (have still not figured out what those people do all day) but babies are hard work.

And I agree that £12 is a shocking price - I'm in central London and pay £8 which is normal. £9 at the outside.

Original poster
WhoAmILike · 10/03/2009 22:13

Wow, thanks for your posts and thanks for your support.
Cleaner booked for 1pm tomorrow and I'm feeling mighty embarrassed about it and hope no one pops in and catches them in the act.
We're not loaded but we're not skint either, a cleaner on our budget is decadent, but like I said, it?s supposed to be a one off.
DH isn't an ogre, just damned cheeky. He's not a drinker so is not propping up a bar several times a week. He goes to his single mate's home whom I've known for as long as DH and they just chat, play music, watch movies, DH say's he needs to get out of the house to unwind and he's also a night owl and I'm usually in bed before him but yes, it hurts that he doesn't unwind with me and I have discussed it with him but he assures me it is not a reflection on me.
Anyway at weekends we take it in turn to have lie in?s and he does the cooking and often takes out the older kids so I can kick back and relax.
I swear since DS1 started school and I've visited the homes of his classmates, I have been relieved to see that the homes of small children look just like ours and I've told DH this.
Gateau, I am planning this to be a one off because in the very instant short term I cannot put my children's needs on hold to pacify DHs allergies and take hours out of a day exhausting and stressing myself along with ignoring them.
bohemianbint, I like the poem, it?s so true.
Well this evening as we were putting the kids to bed DH made a very scathing and flippant comment re the cleanliness of the house, I bit my lip but I was so angry I felt my head grow hot.
Once the kids were asleep I gave him a piece of my mind to which he responded like Kevin the Teenager, ?Yeah, yeah...whatever...get to point...oh right...blah, blah?. I didn?t rise to it though; I delivered my mentally rehearsed speech and walked out of the room. He?s gone out of town tonight on business back tomorrow evening but apologised before departing.
Let?s see what happens when his nasal airways start twitching again eh?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 10/03/2009 22:29

Bohemianbint - Great!! Thanks for sharing!

WhoAmILike... sigh. He needs to get out of the house?? What about you? What about your relationship? WTF does he think he's doing spending 4 (FOUR) nights a week at a mates place chilling out and leaving you home alone, who is he married to? WTF are you doing putting up with that shit? Sorry to be so blunt, but really FFS that's no life. Then you also allow him to talk to you like that? .... sigh....

EldonAve · 10/03/2009 23:05

at the hanging with his single mate 4 nights a week

Does he think he's still single??

Get him home and working that vacuum cleaner and duster!

belgo · 11/03/2009 06:45

very good bohemianbint, I will send it to my dh like minded friends!

Original poster
WhoAmILike · 11/03/2009 15:44

The cleaners have just left and the house looks great.
I'm so exhausted I think I need a lie down before the boys come home.
It took 2 ladies 2.5 hours to thoroughly vac and dust every exposed surfice, this gives the impression that my house is filthy but honestly it isn't, just lived in and messed up by 3 small children and 1 grown man.
Now, do I tell DH or do I keep it to myself, if he even notices that is?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 11/03/2009 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kitsmummy · 11/03/2009 15:54

Hello there, you must tell DH that you've had cleaners in, otherwise he'll think you're perfectly capable of keeping the house like that and will expect it all the time

Strawbezza · 11/03/2009 15:56

See if he notices.

Bet your pre-cleaned house was cleaner than his single mate's!

Seriously, he shouldn't be spending 4 nights a week at his mate's... put the boot on the other foot - when do YOU get the chance to unwind after a hard day FFS?

hannahlouhoo · 11/03/2009 15:57

3 Children? I think you may have 4 children.

YANBU.

georgimama · 11/03/2009 16:15

Why are you acting as if it is your job to service your husband domestically while he does what he likes, and that he has a right to expect you to do so? Give yourself a shake woman, and a slap, FFS.

Tell him, "right DH, I did not appreciate your comments about the cleanliness of this house. I have had 2 cleaners round to do a deep clean. It cost x. If you want the house to look like this all the time, that will cost x per week. Otherwise you have 2 choices - it remains as it usually is, or you do 50%. Up to you."

I would also chime in with "by the way, next Thursday I am going to cinema/out for a drink with friends etc etc and I will be going out at 7pm. You're on duty." But that's just me.

Rindercella · 11/03/2009 18:18

What georgimama says. Every last word.