To say when it comes to parenting, men make choices, woman have to make sacrifices?

[Sushipaws]

I made a comment the other day to my dh saying that sometimes I felt a bit selfish doing things that put my dd second, like going clothes shopping.

He said that was the difference between men and woman, that men are less likely to give up the things they enjoy because they became a parent. I said that I didn't really have a choice to give up many of the things I enjoy and he disagreed.

He says it's about choices and I say woman have to make sacrifices and thats part of being a parent. He says he refuses to give up the things he loves and will fit them around parenting.

He's a good dh and most of the time he pulls his weight as a parent. He works long hours and has a high stress job, so it's not like he's lying around while I do everything.

I just wanted to know if other woman felt that they'd sacrificed a bit more than they expected when they became parents. Or if I'm being unreasonable and I made this choice?

I think xenia has a good point here. Money is a major driving force behind the internal politics of relationships.

From personal experience when one partner regards themselves or is regarded as 'dependent' on the other financially its a recipie for disaster. SIL is in just this situation. Both her and DH are well educated and were equal earners pre children, she took the option to become a SAHM and now plays the downtrodden little wife, has no confidence, regards herself as her H's inferior financially and very much sees their income as HIS money for which she has to be grateful.

Like xenia, I too vastly outearn my DH. However, I do not regard myself as 'more powerful' as a consequence. I regard us as lucky. DH took time out to be with the babies while they were/are small (not entirely mat leave as he still works occassionally) and I redirected part of my income direct to his account for him to cover his bills and do with as he wanted. Consequently, there are no money issues between us. Decisions financial or otherwise are equally shared and the 'power' in our relationship is also equally shared.

So while money is a major driving force, it does not have to be the deciding factor. That depends on the personalities and attitudes of the respective partners.

Some men will always be sexist bastards, some women will always be doormats and some women will always regard themselves as superior to everyone else It comes down to what you will accept in your relationship and having the strength to stand up for yourself.

Xenia does have a good point. I've seen this with some of DW's friends. Their men are taking the piss, but they basically let them, because they have allowed themselves to get into an impossible position - they have a "nice" lifestyle provided by his money, and they don't dare leave it. Having a tw@ of a husband is seen as a small price to pay for a lovely house and all the gym memberships, foreign holidays and skinny lattes she wants.

The bloke, meanwhile, knows that if he doesn't do any washing up/ buggers off to football every weekend/ is always on the X-Box/ has an affair then what's the worst that will happen? She'll moan a bit? Doesn't he get that anyway? 'swot wimmin do, innit?

Many people dont ask to earn .75 of what the (male) eejit 3 desks away os earning, but that, quite often, is life.

I understand the points you make Xenia, and although I recognise that I did make sacrafices (career etc) the alternative might have been to have not had children which would have been worse for me.

I think sometimes, women have to make sacrafices, or end up childless.

I have been with my DH doe 20 years and he stunned the pants of me the other week when I got back with DS2 from a kids party and I asked if DS1 had eaten dinner and he just said I LOOK AFTER THE BUSINESS AND YOU LOOK AFTER THE HOME. What a twat. He is away Mon - Fri and just collapses at the weekend, barely speaks unless spoken too, never cooks a meal, only clears up when asked. Never occurs to him to actually do anything with the kids. He only ever really does anything if I am not around, I regularly piss off to the cinema on a weekend afternoon and leave them to it. It's been two years since we went out together and nearly three since we had sex. He sleeps downstairs as his snoring is horrific, he could do something about it but chooses not too. We are housemates really. He gets plenty of time to relax and switch off when away, dinners out, all expensed, a Man Utd season ticket and does what he wants pretty much when he likes. It's my birthday next Wednesday and he won't be here and he won't have done anything. Last year I got a box of milk tray at lunchtime and the year before the cards arrived three days later.

But what can I do about it all? I talked to him, emailed, rowed etc etc etc. But nothing. I can just up and leave and break my two boys hearts. He not a bad husband just not a very good one.

A bit of confessional here. Crikey.

carocaro - not a bad husband. He sounds like a terrible husband. What would he have to do for you to regard him as a bad husband. How is it better for your boys to grow up with him as their first example of how men behave. If you want your sons to grow up to treat women with respect you need to show them that by not tolerating your husbands behaviour. I'm really sorry if that sound harsh but I'm stunned you'd put up with that sort of behaviour. You deserve much, much better.

I earn significantly more than dh but it doesn't make any difference to the balance of our relationship. Sometimes he takes me for granted & sometimes I do him but mostly we have a reasonable balance based on us as people rather than who pays the bills.

I earn three times more than my dh but he still won't do the ironing . So we pay someone else to .

Carocaro I agree that you should leave - your dh sounds horrible.

Caro

Your DH is an arse.

I would hire a nice young fit hottie au pair/nanny. Seing as he takes care of the business, he should obviously pay the bill.

CaroCaro, leave him. You'll be happier. HOnestly, don't stay 'for the children'. Take it from somebody who left an arse and hasn't looked back.

oh Caro - would it really break their hearts tbh, if he had them on his own they might actually get some attention from him.

that's no life for you

My other point is that it is not only a male/female thing.

MY dh had a child with his ex, they had split up before she found out she was pregnant (she later confessed to me that it was deliberate pregnancy as she wanted a baby), a brief reunion was quickly ended when they realised it wasnt meant to be.

At 22 he made these sacrifices:

1.Never left the town his son lived in despite a lifelong dream to live in NY.

1. Four years of never going out at the w/e so his son could stay over. With no one to baby sit as his family never helped at his friends where 22 year old boys.

1. 12 years of biting his tongue so that his at times very unreasonable ex, won't take up her repeated threat (at a times carried out) to prevent contact (for no good reason).

at 30 we then had a baby (now towo)

he has now made these sacrifices:L

1. Sold his beloved campervan as we get all 5 fit in it.
2. no gym membership (no money)
3. Overtime hours (to pay for maitence and us lot)

4.Sleepless nights, early mornings

But he never has once complained and he plays and looks after his children when he is not working.

I too have made sacrifices or compromises but neither of us would have it any other way.

Not all men are the same.

It's true Caro. My children's Dad only took them for a pizza and took them to the zoo after I left him.

cc, he doesn't sound like a bundle of fun though. I wasn't happily m arried and I couldn't conceive of divorcing for yeqars and you think well all those other people out there are probably having an awful time too (which isn't quite true in many cases but you can't see that from inside, or I couldn 't for a very long time). Or I suppose you can just tolerate it and work around it as being better than nothing. But he doesn't sound very helpful to have around.