To say when it comes to parenting, men make choices, woman have to make sacrifices?

[Sushipaws]

I made a comment the other day to my dh saying that sometimes I felt a bit selfish doing things that put my dd second, like going clothes shopping.

He said that was the difference between men and woman, that men are less likely to give up the things they enjoy because they became a parent. I said that I didn't really have a choice to give up many of the things I enjoy and he disagreed.

He says it's about choices and I say woman have to make sacrifices and thats part of being a parent. He says he refuses to give up the things he loves and will fit them around parenting.

He's a good dh and most of the time he pulls his weight as a parent. He works long hours and has a high stress job, so it's not like he's lying around while I do everything.

I just wanted to know if other woman felt that they'd sacrificed a bit more than they expected when they became parents. Or if I'm being unreasonable and I made this choice?

We both work around the DCs so if I want to do something I have as much chance as DH,I have managed to do lots of things, like go away for the week without any of them.
I suppose that you could say that I have sacrificed a full time career but it was hardly a sacrifice as I think bringing up children beats any paid employment.

Well I have to acknowledge that I get out and about and do far more stuff outside the home with DS (3) than DH can do when he is stuck at work for hours and hours. I meet far more people too (new to area) and I sometimes feel guilty when ive been out to lunch - all right it was a play date but still.

But then I do feel stuck if I want to something for just me as I am restrained by cost/time and DH working hours. I have now decided to work for myself from home so I can fit it around my DS best of both I am hoping.

This thread really hit a nerve with me...
it is so similar to the way it is in our house...
dh will arrange a night out and go, and if I wanted also to go out it would have to be me sorting out childcare...it never would be him...!
At the moment we have issues with him not always letting me know what shifts he works and it will always be me that has to ask him, which is annoying, because it often means I don't find out until last minute that we need childcare...(he knows what days I am at my Placement, so, really, he should let me know when he realises he works on those days...but it just doesn't work that way....drives me mad...!
I love him really...but it has certainly always been me that had to make any "sacrifces"...

I can see there's allot of resentment out there even though it was probably not intended. Thats how I feel too, I do resent my dh a bit for his free time and his ability to choose to put himself first.

I didn't know many people my age with kids when I became a mother so I had no idea I wouldn't be able to relax for half an hour without thinking what I'm getting dd for dinner or how many nappy's have I left in the drawer.

As BigComeToBed said I also feel guilty for meeting a friend for lunch. Dh makes comments about ladies what lunch but he also says he appreciates how hard work looking after dd can be.

Dh can arrange his own days off and sometimes he'll arrange a day off when I'm at work and dd's at nursery. If I want some time away from dd I have to make arrangements with dh and then get meals, clothes, nappy's etc ready for his day.

I am grateful that I'm not on my own but I do think I have sacrificed a large part of myself while dh has chosen to to give up some things sometimes.

I think what I have found hardest is I am not "allowed" to turn my brain off at anytime of the day.

I am past the baby stage but I don't think my DH ever once packed the massive baby bag that we used to have to trail around with us. Don't think it ever crossed his mind. DH isn't lazy or selfish but seems very comfortable with the fact he has outsourced a lot of the nitty gritty of raising DCs together.

I know its like that in a lot of the relationships I see. Certainly my brother was like that, as was my father. The dads at my NCT group seem pretty good, but the mums are all definitely responsible for their babies even though most of them work at least part time.

I'm lucky that my DH isn't like that. He's the most unselfish person I know. Forgetful and thoughtless sometimes, but never selfish.

Almost every week day he is home for 5 for dinner with DS (he works for our business and we both think this is something that is important for us as a family). Often he manages to get home 15-20 mins before that so I can finish off the dinner without a screaming hungry baby rattling the door gate.

He does expect to be able to do some things (like go for a run in the mornings and go out in the evenings a couple of times a month to groups that help him keep up contacts for our business) without more than half heartedly checking with me - and I would never say no unless we had already arranged something.
However, I do arrange things without asking him (although nothing that I couldn't cancel).

I don't know any other dads that do as much as him, and so uncomplainingly. He pulls his weight and then some!

In our house all nights out have to be marked on the calendar.

If it ain't on the calendar, it doesn't count.

If you go to the calendar and find the date already taken, tough.

Yup. We email each other diary dates for Outlook. We might negotiate if something important comes up late, and we have a sort of precedence scale too I suppose. But we don't assume anything.

I think mine and dh's lives have changed equally since having kids. I have changed my hours at work so that I can take them to after school activities and dh changed his job, he now works shifts which means he can either take dd's to school or collect them from school.

Dh is happy to look after dd's if I go out and vice versa, we would always tell each other our plans and the other person wouldn't arrange anything for the same date.

Sushi - i totally agree!! And like you, I don't think badly of my man for that but its just a sad fact of life He still gets to just go off and do things for himself that i wouldnt even consider. It was like the other day he said he was going to look at the local gym and possibly join, i was automatically - "oh great, another thing i can't do that he can" and then i thought no, hang on a minute - whats stopping me? But it is just the assumption isn't it that me having time to go to the gym is selfish and OK for DP. Of course when i said to him, something about it - he said, well thats ok, you can go to - of course i can, but as a mum, im programmed to think i can't.

I gave up my career - again, i just DID, he didn't make me, i had the choice i guess but i felt it was wrong to leave DD.

Yes, its all about choice, i just think that as mums we do make most of the sacrifices and that its not even our DPs faults

TBH I think this depends on how your relationship has evolved. DH is always encouraging me to bog off and leave the kids with him and go and do stuff I want to do!

The difference between men and women is that I think women feel more guilt and overanalyse. Men just get on with it and find ways to do all the things they want to do.

It just isn't like this in our household and I wonder if in reality it is in anyway useful or relevant to speak in terms like these.
We try to do the best we can and enjoy our lives at the same time.
We both make compromises as we are part of a partnership.

I would call attention to the large number of women who relish the idea of being the mummy martyr. To a large extent and with very differing circs I come from a family of those. Downtrodden women who love their role as doormat and wear it as a badge of pride as their dh's couldn't possiblly do what they do.

Make a stand! Ask for what you want! Explain yourself and push for what you need. Don't expect anyone to be a mind reader. Don't freeze your husband out of childcare and then moan that he doesn't do it to your insanely exacting high standards. Don't become a martyr to domestic drudgery.

Compromise don't sacrifice. Trade and negotiate to get what you need

Flame away btw

But I'm not programmed to think like that LEM.

And I'm a mum too.

Ronaldinhio - that is an excellent point!

Not how it is in our family at all , I suspect it is how people are wired. I am the selfish one in our relationship and dp is the more giving one. He has probably made more sacrifices than me and dd is not biologically his. Her father however has made no sacrifices at all.

An excellent post there Ronaldinhio.

My take on it is that mothers and fathers are totally equal, as adults and as parents. However, the kind of partner you choose, and the relationship you build, is up to people as individuals.

I too have come across the 'mummy martyrs' - they simply cannot accept that their partner can do things as well as they can - they have to be in total control, and then they complain that they feel downtrodden and taken for granted!

I've also come across a few (not many) women who feel that they have sacrificed their work life on becoming a parent, but when being totally honest, admit that actually, given the choice of continuing with work or staying at home, then they prefer to be at home and don't want the pressure of work.

It's up to couples to build the relationship and life that they want together, which of course involves compromise. But sacrifice is such a loaded word! It implies suffering and being hard done by, and I think it's dreadful if children sense even subconsciously that their mums might feel like that about being parents.

We have made many adjustments in our lives since being parents, but the plusses of having kids far outweigh the minuses IMO.

TCLANGER yes but i agree - but it gets confused for some when the media bombard us with what we should do and 'life styles'

I am grateful for this thread as I said earlier the management of it all and as someone else said you dont get to turn your brain off.

Thanks to all posters I am in fact normal and DH if you can say that well I know ita not unusual to feel like this.

Lv MN

I sgree violethill

I hate the word 'sacrifice'. It just makes me to think of religious ceremonies and animals been sacrificed to Gods.

I call it 'compromise' and it is my choice. Also it is not only in mother-child relationship but in all family relatioships. Few months ago my mum was ill and i took time off -which led to me loosing clients- in order to fly abroad and help/suport her. It wasn#t a sacrifice, was something i wanted to do, families are about giving and taking. And i wouldn't moan about it because nobody forced me to do it.

I have a friend who says things like 'i haven't read a book since i had my children'. Well, tbh i liked books before children and i still like them and i still read. Either you find the time to do it -if you really want to do it- or you CHOOSE to give it up , but in this case you should't moan.

ronaldhinio, I completely agree

squonk, your dh is being unreasonable to land all the responsibility on you and then use passive-aggressive tactics to get his own way

very unfair

I sympathise a bit with the op here, though I don't think my dh neglects his responsibilities. My dh is not selfish at all, and actually never goes out without me, unless it's an obligatory work engagement (and we usually have a nanny to babysit anyway). But I definitely do all the planning of domestic arrangements. There are lots of other things he does - financial plans, morgage things, general bureaucracy, stuff like that, and I don't actually feel hard done by. But, I do have to make sure the wheels go round, that there's food for everyone, that all the children are going to the right place at the right time, all of it. On the occasions that I'm out of the country for work by myself dh is always quite open about how amazingly exhausting he finds a couple of days of "my" life. I am glad that he sees it from both sides.

Another one here with the calender rule.

If it isnt on it - it dont count!

Organised Mum calanders are the nuts!

first come, first served rules on this house