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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or mean or strange or odd for not buying my 3year old sweets not even as a reward not even if he is 'very very very good'!

136 replies

Sails · 28/02/2009 11:55

I know the consensus will probably be that I am! Sil came round yesterday. Then dh, mil and sil had to go to out and ds1 said I want to come with you. Sil said we'll come back later mummy what sweets does he like? I said I don't really know as I don't buy him sweets! Sil not even if he's good and I said no and she said what if he's really really really good and I said I still don't sorry! Anyway ds1 ended up going with them but I got the distinct impression that sil was shocked even felt sorry for him! Aibu?

OP posts:
jellybeans · 02/03/2009 07:54

My DD is 12, her friend isn't allowed sweets at home. She spends all her dinner money on sweets and is obsessed by them now that she has the freedom to buy them.

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 08:04

I see it all the time jellybeans-and they take good care that their mothers don't know! It really is counter productive. Have a few sweets in moderation and it isn't a problem.

seeker · 02/03/2009 08:10

No mean, strange or odd - but could I suggest very gently, that possibly your ds is your oldest child?

ChippingIn · 02/03/2009 09:00

Ermintrude, you didn't use my name, but you directly quoted my post...

By ChippingIn on Sat 28-Feb-09 12:40:31
... they are part of the fun of being a kid.

By ermintrude13 on Sat 28-Feb-09 15:51:12
It's a bit daft to talk about sweets being 'part of the fun of childhood'....

It's one thing to have a different opinion, but IMO quite rude to criticise someone else's opinion...

FFS I said they were 'part of the fun of growing up', you said that was daft and they aren't valuable and intrinsic part of growing up rah rah rah... you then went on to (patronisingly) say 'That's why we don't offer children the choice of fruit or sweets all the time' (words to that effect,not trawling back through the posts again).

Stop twisting what you and I have both said.

ChippingIn · 02/03/2009 09:05

Haribolicious (did have you pictured with large bags of Haribo stashed away!!) - when people have said about it being your eldest or only child, I don't think they mean that people are being all PFB about it (although there is often an element of that ), but just that it's much, much, much easier to retain total control over the eldest/only childs sweet 'awareness', when you have one a couple of years older, the younger one catches on pretty fast to things in shiney wrappers!!

DandyLioness · 02/03/2009 13:59

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piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 14:14

I think you are right DandyLioness,and you have to set by example. As a family we don't label sweets as bad but neither do we eat many, my DH will have the odd chocolate if offered and although I love chocolate I would never have more than a couple and my parents were the same. I wouldn't give sweets as a reward and definitely not as a comfort. They are just a part of the diet, a pleasant part.
I get the impression that some people who ban them are imposing something on their DC that they can't do themselves. For example I don't think that it is reasonable to take away an Easter egg from a DC and eat it yourself in secret-much better to give it it out to the DC in small quantities.
With the right example DCs will understand that although you eat them, they are not something you have in large quantities.

Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 15:07

I agree with haribalicious (great name sorry if spelt wrong!!!) I have strived throughout my childs 3 years to give my children a healthy and nutritious diet. I see it as part of my job as their mum. Even my mil who from the earliest oppurtunity has seemed determined to give my children all sorts of rubbish is always telling me that I need to keep be very careful with the children as obesity runs in their family . I don't actually believe this to be true I do believe however that it is down to food given as a child especially the early years and learned pattern of behaviour. What sil said the other day just about sums it up when asked by dh how the diet was going she said it is not really a diet if I want something I eat it. Mil and I must admit dh are exactly the same. Dh to the extent of nipping out to mcds for supper after a big dinner of something like stew and dumplings and a fruit crumble. Pils will often do similar (not necessarily macds) So I believe it is learned behaviour not genetic. Also the food a child is exposed to as a young child does influence their choices as they get bigger. I have no intention of keeping this up forever btw. It is not realistic for instance when they start school as they then become exposed to other influences. But for now when I am their main influence why not? I am already relaxing the rules for my oldest as he gets older. For example at christmas sil gave ds1 chocolate buttons which ds1 thought was great! Was rather when later my dad told me I should shocked when later my dad told me I should have took them off him gave them back to sil and said he doesn't eat these! Wouldn't have dreamt of doing such a thing but my dad was serious and said why not she can feed her kids any rubbish but why give it to other peoples kids? Totally disagreed with him and my mum pointed out that he wouldn't have dreamt of doing that to us when we were kids! However I still don't buy them for him or incorporate sweets into his life at all yet. He doesn't ask for them yet so why introduce them till he does? I just don't understand the need for it thats all

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 15:13

Sorry toddler at lap top! Should read was rather shocked when my dad later told me.....

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Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 15:17

Also If he is in situations where for instance chocolate biscuits etc are around he does have one now. But not ds2 yet!

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stealthsquiggle · 02/03/2009 15:34

YANBU not buy them but I would not, IIWY, go as far as forbidding them. I don't buy DCs sweets as 'reward' (well, maybe, for DS, who is now 6, but usually chocolate) but I don't object if/when they are given them by other people.

I may have to moderate this approach as DS is 'self-policing' - he doesn't have a big sweet tooth and we generally end up throwing away a fair proportion of Christmas/Easter chocolates. He gets lollies as rewards from other people (judo, hairdresser) or in party bags - he loves to acquire them, but in reality very rarely eats them.

DD (2.5) is another kettle of fish. She ate 2/3 of a chocolate orange before breakfast on Christmas Day . Rules will have to be introduced [sigh] but I have no idea what yet. ATM "neeeed some chocolate" is, like "want to watch the telly" DD code for "I'm bored" and gets treated accordingly.

glitterstar88 · 02/03/2009 16:53

I give DS1 who is 3 after eights. I dont tend to give them out as a reward though. He lets me brush his teeth, and sometimes asks if he can do it during the day. He eats his fruit & veg and drinks either water or milk maybe the odd smoothie or orange juice so i dont think its a bad idea to give him a sweet treat.
My neighbours kids aged 3 and 2 get given chocolate, lollies and them long tubes of sherbert, plus only ever seem to drink squash and milkshake. The elder one smiled at me ther other day and his teeth are completely rotten

shortcircuit · 02/03/2009 18:51

no, you're NBU. They don't need it & there are other ways to reward.

I don't give my girls sweets either. But what they do have is proper organic food, fresh pineapple, mango, kiwi & best of all grapes. They are fantastic eaters & good strong healthy girls.

I rarely eat that crap, so why would I give it to my precious DC ?

Food is not love !

shortcircuit · 02/03/2009 18:51

no, you're NBU. They don't need it & there are other ways to reward.

I don't give my girls sweets either. But what they do have is proper organic food, fresh pineapple, mango, kiwi & best of all grapes. They are fantastic eaters & good strong healthy girls.

I rarely eat that crap, so why would I give it to my precious DC ?

Food is not love !

piscesmoon · 02/03/2009 19:04

How old are your girls shortcircuit?

MillyR · 02/03/2009 19:16

Food is love in a way. It isn't just fuel, and we don't just eat together for practical reasons. It would be very odd to love someone but refuse to sit down to a meal with them, or never cook for them, or never share food with them, or never give food as a present. Having special foods that we share and give as gifts is symbolic of our relationships and is part of every culture and certainly an important part of British culture.

Refusing a gift like an easter egg or a chocolate reindeer from an extended family member is just rude, and there are not going to be negative health consequences as a result of eating sweets or chocolate a couple of times a year.

Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 19:33

My children eat those food too although not organic usually as I simply couldn't afford it. My other objection to sweets is that they are so full of additives and make children hyper. As previously said my ds1 is only 3 and not yet asking for sweets. If he doesn't ask for them why buy them it doesn't make sense to me. Also it isn't rude to refuse a chocolate gift if I had previously told the relatives on many occasions not to buy them as he doesn't eat them. To me to buy them then when I have asked them not to is rude because it shows they do not respect my wishes. THat was last year and the year before when ds1 was 1 and 2. This year as I previously said will probably be different for ds1 but not ds2. I have said on many occassions I do not intend to 'deny' them forever. (Not that I think I am denying them at all!) I just want to give them a good "grounding" or start in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 20:04

To those who think that iabu for not giving my 3yo sweets what age did you start giving your children sweets and why? Did you think that if you didn't introduce it to them you were denying them?

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DandyLioness · 02/03/2009 20:16

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Mumcentreplus · 02/03/2009 20:23

I gave my children chocolate...much better than sweets hehehe

MillyR · 02/03/2009 20:31

Sails, I can't remember when I first allowed my children to eat sweets. We go out and mix with other people, and my children go to children's parties, village fairs and other family events where sweets are around.

It isn't about me giving my children sweets for the taste; it is just about them participating in the normal social life of a child where they will be given sweet gifts.

fraggletits · 02/03/2009 21:15

Everything.....in moderation. It's a discipline we need to learn in childhood to help prevent binge behaviour when we go from our mothers control to our own.

I see no big deal about chocolate buttons once or twice a week. My dd eats her dinners well, sits nicely at the table and is a great kid so why shouldn't she have a bit of chocolate now and again for no reason.

Not calling you smug Op but someone mentioned earlier smug mums down the toddler groups using food control as a means of competition with other mums - I have been on the receiving end of this a few times...can't stand it and their kids are always wierd!

Original poster
Sails · 02/03/2009 21:21

Would not do that fraggletits as I allow my ds1 to have biscuits and such groups and have done for along time.

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fraggletits · 02/03/2009 21:33

I don't think yabu though sails as I did have a problem with my MIL giving my Dd when she was 18months a can of coke and on another occasion I allowed her to have a mini magnum ice cream and then MIL was trying to give her another one after she had finished because she liked it

we all have ground rules. I draw the line at jelly tots and fizzy drinks. Anything that just fizzes with sugar basically! But white chocolate buttons on occasion seem fine to me

Haribolicious · 02/03/2009 21:38

OMG no way is my food control over DS a means of competition with other mums. How on earth can it be construed as such?! It's about personal choice (in my case) and the fact that I want to give DS a good start in life and try not introduce sweets until DS is able to brush his teeth properly. I have no pleasure in saying that DS doesn't eat sweets/choc - in some instances it can actually be a bit embarrasing ie parties but hey ho, I do speak up and it's not a problem.

fraggletits - I don't give DS sweets/chocolate because he hasn't asked for it. My DS also eats his dinners well, sits nicely at the table and is a great kid (and certainly not weird ), so why should he have a bit of chocolate/sweets??!!

I don't see a big deal in not giving sweets/chocolate at the moment....as and when DS does ask then we'll incorporate it into his diet in moderation and introduce it gradually like any new food - they will not be seen as a 'treat' and he will not be rewarded with sweets.