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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to visit 'friends' house?

94 replies

ultimatewoman · 28/02/2009 11:09

I'm sure this is a common problem but would welcome some sagely advice.

DD (10) was asked to a 'friends' house for tea. She knows the girl as a school chum and nothing more, and we agreed to this.

When I went to collect her I was greeted by a large Alsatian, the house was a tip with dog mess all over the garden, the stench of nicotine was everywhere and, I discovered later from DD, the father was quite abusive to his kids, openly swearing at them infront of DD.

The inevitable return visit is now being asked for by DD but we are extremely reluctant for DD to get involved with these arrangements.

How should we proceed: Just say no? Agree that her friend can come to ours but not allow visits to her friends house?

It's all a bit awkward.

Thanks

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 28/02/2009 11:14

it is very awkward, i was about to jump down your throat when i first read the alsation part, but reading on, i have to agree, there is no way my children would be visiting this house, i would suggest, you jut keep putting off anymore invitations, eg, no sorry we are busy tonight etc etc, till they get the message

LyraSilvertongue · 28/02/2009 11:18

It is a difficult one.
I'm in a similar situation. DS's best friend at school comes from a family whose house I really would not want him to go to. He's asked repeatedly if his friend can come round to play but I've said no because I don't want him going to this child's house in return.
It's sad because the boy's a nice kid but his family lets him down.
No advice to offer I'm afraid.

benfmsmum · 28/02/2009 11:19

Seems a bit of a shame though if the 2 girls are friends not to let them socialise together. I would be very torn if I were you but may try to let the other girl come to your house (if she hasn't picked up the bad language etc) and then try to get out of the return visits. A difficult situation though I admit, sorry can't give any good advice!

saadia · 28/02/2009 11:22

Could you make up some kind of long-term excuse, like you don't like her being around dogs, or you want her to spend time on music/schoolwork/with siblings after school and you are always busy at weekends so it's difficult.

mm22bys · 28/02/2009 11:23

I think YABSU.

I think you need to be careful about what sort of messages you are sending to your DD here: I agree all children need to be kept safe from dogs, that swearing in front of young chilren is not acceptable (but surely you can talk to her about that one), and while it's unpleasant a tiny bit of exposure to nicotine is not going to do too much harm, and who cares if there's dog poo in the garden?

I wouldn't discourage the friendship, but maybe the friend could come to your house, or you could meet in the park (especially since the weather's hopefully improving).

LyraSilvertongue · 28/02/2009 11:29

The girls can still be friends, they just won't go to each other's houses.
I would NOT want either of my boys going to a house like the one you describe.

Original poster
ultimatewoman · 28/02/2009 11:29

Thanks so far. I should add I've nothing against dogs - We have one!

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 28/02/2009 11:32

It is tricky, I wouldn't want my DC going to a house like that.

BUT as a child I had a very very good friend, her house was a real mess, her parents seemed permanently rooted to the sofa. Usually they were drinking from lunchtime, swore a lot and the children made their own dinner etc. To be honest it did me more good than harm to see that not all families are the same, and I always felt grateful to my parents when I came home.

fluffles · 28/02/2009 11:33

Why can't you have the little girl to your house but avoid letting your daughter go back to hers?

That way the friend gets to experience your more nurturing environment, your daughter gets to see her friend and it sounds like the friend's dad would be happy to have her out of the house too.

I think it's likely the girls will prefer to play at yours anyway but if your daughter and her friend really want to spend time at the friend's house, then you'll have to think of some reasoning... something to do with pick ups? or dogs? or food?

Jux · 28/02/2009 11:39

I'm with mm22bys. Tolerance. We seem to have forgotten this little virtue in today's society.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/02/2009 11:42

Why have you put 'friend' in inverted commas like that?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/02/2009 11:43

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mumnosbest · 28/02/2009 11:54

If the girls want to be friends, they'll find a way like it or not but I understand your concerns. I know it's a pain but why not have the girls play at your house more rather than hers and with summer coming they'll probably prefer to be outside more anyway.

ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 12:28

YABU

TheDevil - thanks, that's exactly what I was going to say!! I loved the freedom we had when we were there Allowed to do things we couldn't do at home (nothing dreadful, just be more independent).

Fluffles you have no idea if the Dad would want his daughter out of the house or if the girls would have a better time (just how snobbish can you get? Just because your house is sparkling they'd enjoy it more??). She was allowed a friend over to play, so he's hardly all bad. All we know is that he swore [and OP I really don't think this calls for him being called 'abusive'].

OP surely your DD can decide her own comfort level. If she had a fab time, where's the harm? She's old enough to know that just because she hears an adult swearing it doesn't give her permission to do so. She's old enough not to step in the dog poo (and she's just as likely to do this at the park). Perhaphs they are a little more 'lazy' or a little different to you, but this doesn't mean they are bad or that they wont look after your daughter.

ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 12:30

Devil - one question though, as you said it did you more harm than good - why would you still not want your Dc's to have the same experience? Not flaming - genuine question

mm22bys · 28/02/2009 12:33

No, it did her more GOOD than harm...

I agree with the rest of your post though!

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 28/02/2009 12:36

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ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 12:44

mm22bys - that was what I meant to type

mm22bys · 28/02/2009 13:14

Fair enough, I had to do a double or triple take too!

Original poster
ultimatewoman · 28/02/2009 16:32

Hmmm - The dad swore at his daughter (stop f*cking snorting!) is what I believe he said - so I would consider this abusive.

Thanks for the responses though. Much food for thought.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 18:58

ultimatewoman - charming use of language to a kid - however, I think it's a bit OTT to call it abuse. My cousin has the foulest mouth (yet his kids never swear) would say something like that, but he's the biggest softie and wouldn't harm a bug - let alone a child.

Leo9 · 28/02/2009 19:21

I would think it was really sad if you didn't invite this girl round. You don't HAVE to do tit for tat with invitations - just don't send your daughter there.

Fimbo · 28/02/2009 19:25

DD has a friend who we used to invite over all the time - my dd used to get invited back about once a year. I have given up now and the girls are friends at school and see each other at Brownies etc but that is all.

MrsGravy · 28/02/2009 19:29

I'd invite her over but not allow return visits. If the impression you have got is correct it would be a dreadful thing to effectively 'punish' this little girl for her home circumstances. Imagine if every parent did this, she'd end up ostracised

sarah293 · 28/02/2009 19:30

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