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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD to visit 'friends' house?

94 replies

ultimatewoman · 28/02/2009 11:09

I'm sure this is a common problem but would welcome some sagely advice.

DD (10) was asked to a 'friends' house for tea. She knows the girl as a school chum and nothing more, and we agreed to this.

When I went to collect her I was greeted by a large Alsatian, the house was a tip with dog mess all over the garden, the stench of nicotine was everywhere and, I discovered later from DD, the father was quite abusive to his kids, openly swearing at them infront of DD.

The inevitable return visit is now being asked for by DD but we are extremely reluctant for DD to get involved with these arrangements.

How should we proceed: Just say no? Agree that her friend can come to ours but not allow visits to her friends house?

It's all a bit awkward.

Thanks

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 01/03/2009 16:56

OP YABU....your dd's poor friend being judged in such way...it is not like she has much choice...

TiggyR · 02/03/2009 14:04

But to be fair to the OP she isn't necessarily judging the friend, she merely wants to protect her daughter from what may be an unpleasant unhealthy environment or inappropriate influences, which is fair enough. I don't think this is motivated by pure snobbery. Too often on this forum anyone with high standards of parenting or strong principles is accused of shallow snobbery by others. Not literally in this case, but all the same the inference is there.

womblingfree · 02/03/2009 16:23

I understand where OP is coming from. At DD's nursery, there was one particular girl who DD was desperate to invite to her birthday party last year. Having seen her mother (bulldog chewing a wasp - sorry can't think of a better way to put it), I was not that keen, but one day, we took DD to the park and bumped into the little girl with her gran. She was a perfectly OK kid and always made a point of saying hello to me when I dropped DD off at nursery after that. Consequently I felt awful for judging her and her mum an invited her.

To be quite honest she was a bit of PITA,as was her mum, but has now moved up to school, whilst DD is still at nursery, so that was the end of that.

In spite of that I will try and be as open minded as possible about friends she makes at school, cos at the end of the day you are penalising both children for something that is not down to them.

Our house is crumbly 1930's job and a tip a lot of the time, but it's a clean tip (untidy rather than dirty) and I hope it wouldn't put people off coming to mine!

Original poster

ultimatewoman · 02/03/2009 19:27

Thank you TiggyR for hitting that nail squarely on the head.

OP posts:

nomoreamover · 02/03/2009 19:37

i'm with mm22bys and jux .....

what makes some people feel their way of life is better than others? I agree I'd think their living arrangements were not pleasant - but like others have said - might get you some brownie points when she sees how lovely your lifestyle may be in comparison. Valuable learning opportunity here - for your children and you.

YABVU - sorry

wotulookinat · 02/03/2009 19:38

I wouldn't be happy with my child visiting, not because of the dog (my garden is also coveredin dog poo most of the time , but because of the swearing and the smoking.

It doesn't stop you asking the friend over to yours, but, yes, you may get into the situation where your DD is asked back.

Could your DD develop a fictional allergy to the dog?

Original poster

ultimatewoman · 02/03/2009 19:46

DD has volunteered tonight that she does not want to go back......

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/03/2009 09:19

really?

does she want this girl(her friend) to come to yours?

seeker · 03/03/2009 09:28

My dd has a friend who's father is often drunk and has been abusive and violent "in his cups" in the past.And they have 2 Rottweilers! I was completely straight with dd when she was 10- I said that it was absolutely fine for her to be friends with this girl, and she could come to ours whenever she wanted, but I wasn't happy with dd going there. Dd was quite relieved I think, she was a bit frightened of the dad. The friendship is going strong 3 years later the other girl has a hard life in lots of ways and enjoys coming to ours - we've become a bit of a refuge for her.

Countingthegreyhairs · 03/03/2009 09:49

I agree with wotulookinat and I don't think the issue is snobbery here either : it's safety

The mess wouldn't bother me but I wouldn't let dd play in a house where the father was abusive to his dc. No way!

Dog poo can pose health risks too.

I'd let them continue the friendship: but at your place or at a neutral location.

DaddyJ · 03/03/2009 10:10

What's wrong with being judgemental?
I am on MN because I think it's better than the other forums out there
which is horribly judgemental towards poor netmums etc but that's life.

I'd call it: being discerning.

And the OP is fully justified in being discerning about
what kind of people are allowed into her family's life.
Nothing wrong with communicating this message to a 10 year old
who is still very much a kid and in need of guidance.

I do agree with one point:
mixing with different types of people is hugely beneficial.
(Again, that's why I love MN!)
However, it is important to protect yourself and be sensible.

Personally, I would get to know the parents better
before letting my daughter back into their house.
It would be polite to reciproce the invite, though.
Also gives you a chance to see how your dd interacts with her new friend.

Divineintervention · 03/03/2009 10:13

I would ask the friend to yours but make reasonable excuses why your daughter can't retured.

beanieb · 03/03/2009 10:20

When I was about 12 I moved to a new town and a new school. I found it hard to make freinds because coming from the country I was considered (tehir words) a bit of a 'Gypo', but one girl was very kind to me. Her house was 'a tip' and the kitchen smelled of dog pee (They had 3 boistrous dogs), I am guessing that they were what we would call 'chavs' these days. The whole family were very overweight, they served me really unhealthy food and they had a space invaders game in their front room.

My parents let me go on a week long caravan holiday with them on which the car broke down twice and we got flooded on the camp site. I loved it though - one of the best holidays I had as a child.

Sadly we lost touch because I was influenced by other people in my school who judged my friend as pond life and basically made me think that I shouldn't be friends with people like her! I feel terrible about it now as they were essentially lovely people who made me feel so welcome.

So - I think YABU.

seeker · 03/03/2009 10:32

I'm not judging my dd's friend - but I AM judging her father. He gets drunk and abusive in the presence of children. Wnat's not to judge?

wotulookinat · 03/03/2009 11:24

Beanieb, they sound like they were friendly people, who were generous to you, and it's refreshing that you are honest about why you lost touch.
But, the OP has an issue with the father's behaviour and language, which I think is reason enough to not let a child be around him.

TiggyR · 03/03/2009 12:07

Also, let's not forget that unless you are control-freak-mother-of-the-century with an unusually obedient and slightly weird child, the habits and standards of your child's peer group will always have a far stronger influence on them than your own habits and standards. (otherwise all teenagers would be wearing sensible shoes and listening to Radio 4)

Though I agree it's nice to give all children a fair chance, and encouraging your children to mix with all strata of society is invaluable, hand up how many of us don't want our children corrupted by any behaviour/standards/accents/ethos of which we disapprove? My hand is firmly up. It's tough call.

wotulookinat · 03/03/2009 12:12

My hand is also up.

lisalisa · 03/03/2009 12:31

Coldtits - what an excellent post.

I have not posted on this thread before as was busy reading the posts and forming my own judgment.

I think a lot initiallydepends on where we are coming from in life as to the perspective we take on this and other similar situations.

However - I underlined "initially" for a reason - whilst our initial perspectives are inevitably guided by our position, status and means in life it is our duty to think twice and reconsider and try to recognise and overcome any prejudices for what they are - prejudices.

Coldtit's example is a perfect one of this. Faced with an example of a messy house and swearing father many of us would recoil at sending our chldrne there. Coldtits however found a haven there. So then the exact opposite.

REminds me of a jimjam's post on autistic children many years ago ( think it was in 2001 actually !) about how easily people judge when faced iwth a chld who apprantly doesn't behave and eats inappropriate food when those onlookers have no idea of the child's diagnosis of autistic and wht that actually means.

That was a milestone post for me as I had never encountered autistic children at the time and this totally changed the way i related to incidents /judged or rather did not judge on first impressions etc.

I think Coldtit's example is another of those cold water in the face moments when we reaslise that we really cannot judge on appearances or societal norms and that we must first find out facts before we judge.

FairLadyRantALot · 03/03/2009 21:20

seeker...I think if you know the fatehr/any member of the family is actually abusive than I think that would change a lot...but I think , iirc, that wasn't the case in the family the op mentioned...shouty is not the equivalent of abusive, well, imo...

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