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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to visit 'friends' house?

94 replies

ultimatewoman · 28/02/2009 11:09

I'm sure this is a common problem but would welcome some sagely advice.

DD (10) was asked to a 'friends' house for tea. She knows the girl as a school chum and nothing more, and we agreed to this.

When I went to collect her I was greeted by a large Alsatian, the house was a tip with dog mess all over the garden, the stench of nicotine was everywhere and, I discovered later from DD, the father was quite abusive to his kids, openly swearing at them infront of DD.

The inevitable return visit is now being asked for by DD but we are extremely reluctant for DD to get involved with these arrangements.

How should we proceed: Just say no? Agree that her friend can come to ours but not allow visits to her friends house?

It's all a bit awkward.

Thanks

OP posts:
ib · 28/02/2009 19:39

As a child I played in all sorts of houses. My only really bad memories were in two houses that on the surface could not be faulted - very wealthy, well-respected etc.

Unfortunately both fathers ('captains of industry') were petty tyrants and the families lived in terror - it was palpable. I hated going there.

Please don't be so quick to judge based on appearances.

TheCrackFox · 28/02/2009 19:43

It might be good for your DD to learn that not everyone has Enid Blyton childhoods. Of course you should invite her round, they are friends.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 28/02/2009 19:48

Agree with all the posters who said you should stop fussing about nothing. People live differently. Your DD is entitled to choose friends according to her wishes, and having a dog, a fag and a pottymouth doesn;t actually turn a parent into Jack the Ripper.

blinks · 28/02/2009 19:48

Only read OP...

My child would oh-so-suddenly develop an allergy to dog hair.

warthog · 28/02/2009 19:51

let the friend come round. i think your dd will say if she doesn't want to go round there again.

as long as there is no risk for your dd, i don't see the problem. i think she well may feel very lucky that she lives with you and not her friend!

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/02/2009 19:56

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morningpaper · 28/02/2009 20:02

I would say my DH has a terrible dog allergy and I'm soooo sorry but he was wheezing all night and you'd love her DD to come to yours because she's so adorable but think that your DD might need to avoid her house because of the dog hair

maybe

edam · 28/02/2009 20:08

OP has a dog so allergy excuse won't work.

Agree with the suggestions about inviting the friend to yours but making up excuses about return visits - just have to think of something a bit more plausible than pet hair allergy!

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 28/02/2009 20:13

I agree with Riven.

As long as you're happy that your dd is safe, then let the friendship and playdates continue at each others' houses.

beansontoast · 28/02/2009 20:23

i have been the second rate scummy family in this scenario,so maybe i am biased

i think there is little chance you will avoid being labelled a precious snob,whatever diplomatic spin you put on this... you will not be able to fool anyone (children included)that you do not find them repellant(?)

i agree with an earlier poster who said 'can your child decide her comfort level?' also,what are the REAL risks?

tricky though

wannaBe · 28/02/2009 20:24

I think yabu, and a snob.

I realize that it really is hard not to judge other people, but the fact is that not everyone lives as you do, and the fact that there was dog pooh in the garden and the family smokes really isn't grounds for disallowing this friendship. Also you have only had a snapshot of the family's life. Maybe:

The dad had had a bad day and swore at the children. Maybe he never usually does and maybe it was a one off.

Maybe the garden was full of dog crap because the week previous there had been so much snow which then covered everything and then thawed into ice made it impossible to clear it up until it dried out a bit. Or maybe they'd had a busy week with other things.

And maybe they smoke because... well maybe they just do. It's not illegal after all.

You are making a judgement based on a five minute glance into their lives.

Fwiw I went to lots of friends' houses as a child, for the weekend as a rule because I was at boarding school so to go home with a friend meant doing so for the weekend. So my mum didn't know any of the friends or the parents...

One friend, who I visited regularly, had a father who drank a lot, was having an affair and in fact had been having an affair with the same woman for the entire ten years I knew her, and one night came home drunk, got out his gun and held it to her mother's head. (would just like to point out I wasn't there at the time but I knew about it). But I always had a lovely time there, and none of what went on in the family was ever played out in front of visitors. They were very lovely, hospitable people.. so just be careful, appearances can be deceptive...

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/02/2009 21:00

so what if the house as dirty and dog poo in the garden

on monday before our cleaner comes in so is ours - and yes db has left dog poo in garden and i have moaned

but

your daughter wants to play with her - friends are important

the smoking i can understand and maybe if you really dont want your child there, you can say that she is suffereing from mild asthma and the smoke makes her worse

a little white lie to save face?

does your dd want to go there again?was she put off/alarmed by swaering/mess/smoking etc

TheRealMrsJohnSimm · 28/02/2009 22:03

Your concerns are clear OP but equally I have been that other child (with a similar home life) that you are describing. Please don't dismiss this girl as a no-no in terms of being friend to your DD. As others have said, invite her to play at your house and if you really can't stand the thought of DD in the other house then make excuses.

Children are not responsible for the way their parents raise them or live their lives. I can't tell you how painful it was for me as a child to be snubbed by the parents of my friends because our family was "common and poor" (in actual fact not common at all - my mother was/is a total snob and we were raised with excellent manners and our grammar/pronounciation corrected constantly). Our house, however, was a total crap hole because we had no money. As a result, other parents made it clear that I was not welcome in their houses and would openly ignore me and favour more well-off kids at get-togethers/parties etc.

I now find myself in a very fortunate position in life. I would never, however, judge another child's suitability to be friends with my DCs on the actions of their parents or the state of their homes. Get to know this child and let your DD make her own friends. Being a good mother can be about showing an alternative to others in a different/perhaps less fortunate position than yourself. Don't be so judgmental.

Portofino · 28/02/2009 22:30

I think YAB a bit U. Your daughter is growing up. Not everywhere in the world is nice, and clean, and polite. She wants to spend time with her friend, let her. If she has questions about the differences you can discuss it.

I went to Grammar school aged 11. Some of my friends lived in huge houses and obviously had very well off parents, others came from families that were really struggling. They were my friends - I didn't make judgements about them. Nor should you.

daffodill6 · 28/02/2009 22:58

Similar issue.... DD aged 10 recounted exploits at at a friends house (similar age) Great family but I was a bit shocked to be told DD was being shown websites re 'rape my tits' etc. She really wants to be friends with this girl. But I am not happy at all ..how do I explain this to her without revealing that I think someone in her friends family is OTT?? (ie the father)

fledtoscotland · 28/02/2009 23:22

YABU.

the OP says about a large alsation. alsations are fab dogs that are good with children. I got brought up with two who were total softies. just because the house is untidy doesnt make them a bad family - just an untidy one. Ok the house smells of nicotine but were the adults actually smoking in front of the children. also you say that your DD said that the dad was abusive to his children. Did you experience that?

I wouldnt discourage this friendship. Invite the child back to your house so you can meet them and find out a bit more about them. why not chat to the parents - you never know, you might actually like them.

I grew up with a mother who wouldnt let me visit my friend because they lived in a council house. they were a lovely family and i lost a good friend due to my mothers misplaced snobbish ways. FWIW I now have lots of friends but my mother has managed to alienate herself from nearly everyone in our village.

Dont just a book by its cover.

ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 23:24

daffodil - what was your daughters reaction to this (being shown the web sies)? Do you now fear for her safety while she is there? Is this the only issue you have with the family or are there others? What sort of personality does your daughter have (quite able to speak up for herself if she doesn't like something or a little bit quiet/timid/shy?)? How well do you know the parents?

Sorry to ask questions like a 'firing squad' but after typing out 3 different replies really feel like I need more info before answering your question.

ThatShittySmell · 28/02/2009 23:36

DH would never allow our kids to go to a house if we didn't fully know the parents so YANBU to stop her from going.

daffodill6 · 28/02/2009 23:37

Chip
She spoke quite freely about it - 8 or 9 weeks later and in quite a suprised manner - seemed as if she was discouraging the other child whose family appears to be very IT literate.

I must admit I'm not happy about DD going there but I'm maybe nieve but why would a 10 yr old girl know about such a web site? ( no older brothers)

ChippingIn · 28/02/2009 23:44

Daffodill - sorry, I'm still a bit confused about it. Did the girls Dad actually show them the sites? Did she tell you what actually happened or did you overhear them talking?

Are you able to answer any of the other questions?...

sarah293 · 01/03/2009 09:07

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StewieGriffinsMom · 01/03/2009 09:12

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glitterchick · 01/03/2009 09:24

YANBU - I had similar situation and sought advice from my friend. Her advice - Your children are your most prized possessions and whatever it takes to keep them safe you have to do it no matter what.

TiggyR · 01/03/2009 10:22

Agree with MrsGravy. Judge the little girl on her own merits and don't epect too much in terms of etiquette and learned social graces, after all she hasn't had the opportunity to score top marks there. Instead, decide whether you think she has the makings of a good, kind, decent friend to your daughter, and if so, encourage her to come to your house instead. I've let my children play with the 'common' kids many times - often against my better judgement, but my egalitarian conscience won't let me do otherwise! Sometimes my worst nightmares come true, and sometimes I learn valuable lessons about not judging a book by its cover.

welshdeb · 01/03/2009 10:26

Have you taken the time to get to know this girl or asked your dd what she thinks of her.
She is 10 yrs old, and in a few years you wont be able to control who she sees and where she goes.
If you control this aspect of her life too much then there may be an element of forbidden fruit about people you consider to be "unsuitable"
If she is a nice girl and your dd values her friendship, then you are bu as this girl is not responsible for her family life and home.
Let your dd be friends with her and see what happens, the friendship may very well fade away and it wont be a problem in the future and if not, well encourage them to spend time at your home.

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