to ask for £5 donation to a fund to buy a playhouse instead of a present?

[chuffinell]

Its my DDs 4th birthday and we have invited 18 children to her party, she also has lots of family

we are already overwhelmed with toys at home. Wd it be rude/bad manner/cheeky to do the above?

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep (Love the name by the way!! Have you managed it yet??). Why do you think it would have been so awful for the child to have got £300 which could have been spent on the Wii and some games etc (ie quality things (well, that's debatable, but you know what I mean)) rather than have received £300 pounds worth of tat?? I know it's a LOT of money, but the same amount would have been spent on other tat... (really not flaming, just trying to see why people think it's such a bad/rude idea).

I can understand why some peoples first reaction is 'You can't do that, it's rude'... I was brought up that way too. But having spent time thinking about it, in relation to both weddings and birthdays, I think it's sensible and isn't rude if done nicely. I don't think asking for a specific amount is a good idea, but don't see why asking for a little donation to a playhouse/wii/other overpriced item is so awful. Surely most people would rather get one toy their child will love than lots more 'tat' to fill the house with... it just makes sense (to me LOL).

Next question... why is it any different to a Wedding List/Birthday List/Christmas List where you are being told what someone would like. Everyone knows what these things cost. The only thing that is really any different is that the person ends up with something they would really like that one guest couldn't afford to buy on their own.

@ChippingIn

The reason people think it's rude to ask other people for money, is because polite people do not beg.

It's not your place to spend anyone else's money. If someone is inspired to buy you or your child a present, then you should be grateful, because they are not obliged to spend their money or time on you.

You don't get to assume that other people are going to buy things for you, never mind tell them what they should buy you or that you would prefer money.

It's so presumptuous and grasping.

If you want to buy your child a playhouse, then buy them one yourself with your own money. Don't turn their party into a tacky money-making affair.

This applies in all circumstances, including (perhaps especially) weddings.

Here endeth the etiquette lesson

PS there is no "nice" way to do it, and that extends to wedding lists

tacky and presumptuous,point of party is social fun.asking for specific amount is cheeky.

if you want a tree house,you fund it not other parents.unless you plan some shared ownership options they pay for tree house so have pro-rata access and use?

I'd say it's an English thing to be embarassed to ask for money. Where I come from (Belgium) it's considered perfectly normal to put your account number on wedding invites/birth announcement cards to ask for a donation, but always of unspecified amount. It's also normal to get a little 'envellope' at christmas and new year from more distant relatives. So personally I'd find it acceptable to be asked for a donation towards a playhouse (but of unspecified amount).
Asking for money rather than toys is not begging if it's specifically to buy a bigger more expensive gift, IMO. Possibly you could do a big unveiling on her party, that way all the guests can see what they've contributed to and so it would be like a collective gift. In a way no different than e.g. when you have a collection at work for someone who's leaving/retiring/having a baby.

Haven't read other replies (yes suitably embarrassed) but wanted to add that I would be happy to donate £5 to avoid buying a present.

Every time.

It's totally different to having a collection for a colleague. It's more like if the colleague had a collection for themselves

Also, I'm not English, so it's definitely not an English thing.

Ps £5 is a lot less than I usually spend on a present for one of dd's friends. If you just asked for a donation I'd probably give £10.

are you inviting the guests because you like them or do the sums stack up that you need £5x18

if you want an item,you pay for it

OK. let's go for cultural thing then. As I said. Where I'm from asking for money rather than a present is perfectly normal and acceptable and I can't see why it shouldn't be.
It's much nicer to get something nice you really want, than lots of little things that will just lie around the house doing nothing.

Why do people think party presents will automatically be "tat" - DS always chooses something nice and hopefully its liked by the birthday child.

by what standard?no one should expect presents or financial remuneration.at all

yes i am querying if all 18 guests pay £5 will that cover cost of playhouse?

ScottishMummy is dead right.

Graciously accepting a gift is utterly different from brazenly asking people to spend their money on you in a manner of your choosing. I'm surprised you can't see the enormous difference.

@Belgianchocolates if there is something nice you really want, then you are perfectly free to spend your own money on it. Just not other people's.

Message withdrawn

i fancy buying a wheely bug.should i throw a wee tea party and ask for specific donations?

I think you completely miss the point ScottishMummy and DeeBlindMice. People don't organise parties for the presents now don't they, whether they get money or presents. Really
I still can't see what's the difference between giving money, or giving money in the form of a present. Both of it is your money and I'd rather my money goes to something someone likes and chooses themselves than me trying to guess what they'd like.
Anyway, I'm leaving this thread because I feel I'm getting a little bit

i don't miss any point.guests should not be asked for specific amount for designated items

just because we have divergent view,doesn't mean I don't get the point,means i don't agree with your point

markedly different

Although I think it's rude to ask guests for a specific amount of money, I think your etiquette lesson is a bit harsh on the OP, dee. IME 99% of people who get invites to children's parties will go with a small present/cash - to assume otherwise is a bit naive. IMO by accepting an invite, you are saying you want to take part in the traditional birthday party ritual for that child, and that usually involves some sort of present.

If worded very nicely (and there have been some good examples on the thread) I think it's ok to make giving money for a playhouse into an option but not the only thing people can do. And to state that any excess will be given to charity gets rid of the grasping overtones IMO. But remember that some guest children may really like the ritual of wrapping up and giving a real present to their host, so you've got to go with that. It's all part of the magic for them!

Chuffinell, as you have lots of family I think you are right to play safe and not ask for money contributions from parents. As you can see, people have very different attitudes on this - it's controversial.

When DD was saving for a DS, I let her ask family and very good friends for money instead of gifts for her birthday, when they asked her what she wanted.

You could test the water and give people the option, but not make them feel obliged to find cash when they may have a well stocked pressie drawer but no cash (like me).

Right BelgianChocolates, so opportunistic begging is OK, so long as it's not premeditated?

It would be rude to have a party just to get donations, but if you're having one anyway no harm in putting out the collection tin, is that it?

If you like to ask people what they want it's not rude of them to offer you some (inexpensive) options.

That's not the same as sending out invitations that basically imply that you are charging people to come to your party.