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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for £5 donation to a fund to buy a playhouse instead of a present?

114 replies

chuffinell · 27/02/2009 13:34

Its my DDs 4th birthday and we have invited 18 children to her party, she also has lots of family

we are already overwhelmed with toys at home. Wd it be rude/bad manner/cheeky to do the above?

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 27/02/2009 17:08

So long as you are not the mummy of the little girl that is having a party on Sunday - cos, i already bought the present!!!

I think its a good idea actually - as i have never been able to get anything half decent for a kiddies present for less than a tenner. So to be able to put £5 into a card would be great.

BonsoirAnna · 27/02/2009 17:08

What justaboutindisguise said.

crokky · 27/02/2009 17:17

I'd be happy to give for a playhouse.

A previous poster suggested a piggy bank box to put the donations in - I thought this was a really good suggestion as the amounts wouldn't be known and those that can't afford the £5 will not be forced to and nobody will know who put what in. I would say that if people want to buy a present, then do so, but if you feel happy contributing to a playhouse, there is a box for the playhouse fund which donations of under £5 would be appreciated.

neolara · 27/02/2009 17:24

I went to a party recently and the parents did exactly this. They had bought their dd one bigger present and put a box on a table asking that if anyone wanted to, they could donate between £2 and £5 towards this. They also said that if they collected more money than the cost of the present, this would be donated towards a local charity.

While I have never been to a party where this has happened before, I was more than happy to go along with the parents wishes. The mum had spoken to me about what they planned to do when we were invited, so I had not already bought another present. In fact, I ended up spending less than I would normally have done, I didn't have to cruise the toyshops in town and the birthday girl ended up with something she genuinely liked. I actually think it was a brilliant idea.

ForeverOptimistic · 27/02/2009 17:33

Okay to ask family but not childrens friends. I spend very little on classmates as I buy pressies at the beginning of the year in the sale, I spend between £1-£3, I wouldn't want to give that in cash as I would be embrassed that it was so little. If I saw that on an invitation I would think it was a bit of a cheek and would most likely ignore it and give what I had already bought.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/02/2009 17:51

If I saw that request on an invite, i'd ignore it and give what I wanted too. I think asking for money, whether for a party or wedding present, is very cheeky and akin to paying an "entry" fee.

Yes people take presents to a childs party but they should not be expected to or be told what to buy/give.

Very different if a person asks, but unless very close family I would still never say money but may request craft items or a character so that the person can spend as much or as little as they like.

DS loves to choose the presents himself for his friends parties but I do keep a box of items in case of short notice etc.

charlieandlola · 27/02/2009 17:56

I wouldn't do it, tbh. A mum in ds's class did this last year, and it went down v badly with both mums and kids. She is still greeted with a by other mums a year later. Imho, kids like chosing presents for their friends, and cash in a card, is just a bit for a 4 year olds party. I can quite see the logic to it, would love to swap power ranger crap for something useful, but I fear it is part of the deal with kids.

Bathsheba · 27/02/2009 18:33

I think you can do it with family but not with friends at a party.

We have put all the money my DD got for her birthday towards a new bed for DD - we didn't ask for money towards a new bed though - we have just used any that we were given.

Unfortunately school/nursery friends etc bring presents to parties - if anyone ASKS and you really don;t want toys, I always think books as an option goes down really well.

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep · 27/02/2009 18:46

I really don't like it when people ask this on invites.

A boy in my dd's year invited all the children in the year, 60 of them, to his party and asked for money towards a Wii. Yes he probably didn't want 60 small presents but it seemed really rude to me. Instead of having such a large party his parents should have saved the money for his present themsleves. If everyone had given him £5 he would have got £300 !

jasper · 27/02/2009 19:06

personally I would not ask but I do know what you mean about endless piles of tatt.
In these parts there is a growing trend(started by a friend of mine) to put a fiver in a card for kids' parties.
I always do it now.

piscesmoon · 27/02/2009 19:11

It might be sensible but I think it is rude, cheeky and bad mannered. If your DC has too many toys I would put on the invite that you would like their presence but not to bring a present. The other option would be to ask for no presents but to give to a children's charity instead. To say that you already have enough toys so want something big is a bit unreasonable.

goingtohaveagoodnightssleep · 27/02/2009 19:14

piscesmoon the charity donation is a really good idea! If someone asks for money as they have too many toys then I shall give them an Oxfam or similar gift. Sorry but it does bug me when kids ask for money!

piscesmoon · 27/02/2009 19:17

I know that it is the sensible option, as it is with weddings, but it comes over as grasping.

thirtysomething · 27/02/2009 19:31

You may get a few Mums/Dads asking if there's anything specific she'd like (I always do) and then you could mention it - otherwise agree it's a bit rude

BananaSkin · 27/02/2009 19:41

I would think it rude.

Ask family to buy something really tiny and donate rest to a charity - or car boot or Ebay old toys.

notsoteenagemum · 27/02/2009 19:53

I think it's rude even though I think it's acceptable for weddings.

I think its to do with the relationship with the guests. Wedding guests are close friends and family, your childrens friends parents can be practically strangers.
That and the fact that if you are asked give money you feel obliged to give more than if you bought a present. You can get bargain presents in sales and through multi-buys but cash is cash.

Starbear · 27/02/2009 21:29

You know what I really want to ask for is swimming trunks for a 4 year old. That will mena I haven't wasted my time looking for the perfect trunks for my kid. NOt swimming short, trunks.

ChippingIn · 27/02/2009 22:46

YANBU

LO (3) was sent an invite to a party (nursery friend) who asked that if you wanted to bring a present, could she please have a £1 coin for her piggy bank so she could 'go shopping'. We took the usual £10 we'd spend on a present (in £1 coins) and put it in the piggy bank (no one needs to know how much you put in, so as much or as little as you'd normally spend on a present would be fine). LO loved putting the money in, other little one loved going shopping and her Mum loved not having 30 lots of additional 'tat' in the house. (I loved not having to find something said child would love!!).

When we do buy a present I always put the receipt in a small envelope on the back of the card and say it's there so they can exchange it, just incase they get lots of the same thing (there are only so many red Power Rangers a boy needs) or would rather have something different.

I really don't understand why people think it is rude to say 'Please don't bring presents, but if you'd like to put a £1 (or whatever) in my money box towards the Playhouse I would love to have, then that would be brilliant'. FFS what exactly is there to take offence over???

piscesmoon · 27/02/2009 22:49

A present is freely given-the giver has the choice! Or should have the choice.

ChippingIn · 27/02/2009 23:18

Piscesmoon - I agree - all I am saying is that given the choice, I would choose to give the child/parents/piggybank some cash to buy something the child would actually like to have rather than waste money on crap the child doesn't need/want/enjoy and that being given that choice is nice, not rude IMO. After all, it's still just an option isn't it?!

Mspontipine · 27/02/2009 23:52

Family yes, children no not unless the parents asked. Ds's latest party quite a few people asked and I had no idea so they suggested a fiver with the card which we were very happy to get but would not be able to think of an inoffensive way to ask.

Family's different.

piscesmoon · 28/02/2009 07:29

I would agree that you can do it with family and with people if they ask, but it is very rude otherwise.

Original poster
chuffinell · 01/03/2009 10:16

thanks for all your responses, there are definately mixed feelings about this!

i have just sent the invitations out, without mentioning presents!

interesting debate though

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 01/03/2009 17:02

be interesting to see if parents come back to you with what would he like?

then you could say money towards a play house

kslatts · 01/03/2009 17:36

I think it's rude, especially to mention an amount.

When my dd goes to parties she loves choosing a present and wrapping it, she would be disappointed to take money in the card.