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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for £5 donation to a fund to buy a playhouse instead of a present?

114 replies

chuffinell · 27/02/2009 13:34

Its my DDs 4th birthday and we have invited 18 children to her party, she also has lots of family

we are already overwhelmed with toys at home. Wd it be rude/bad manner/cheeky to do the above?

OP posts:
Whoopsybigtime · 27/02/2009 14:10

So you would all seriously rather have a house full of plastic gift tat than money towards a playhouse your child really wants incase its percieved as a bit 'rude'?!

You all mustn't have very close friends! I could ask anything of my friends without feeling i was being 'rude'

Crazy!

duchesse · 27/02/2009 14:12

If you don't want a house full of tat, then put "no presents only your presence on the invite. There's nothing to be gained imo from encouraging children to expect presents, nor by directing the present-buying, which adds up to the same frankly (the expectation being there that a present will be bought).

spicemonster · 27/02/2009 14:15

Depends who the children are. If they're friends kids, then I'd say 'no present' and if they push, say 'well family are chipping in for a playhouse.' I wouldn't then follow it up with 'perhaps you'd like to do that too'. Either they volunteer or they don't.

If they are school/nursery/playgroup friends then no, I don't think you can. And I agree that children like giving and receiving gifts.

Hulababy · 27/02/2009 14:19

I wouldn't want to be asked for money for a child's party, sorry.

I think you either say no presents, or let people chose for themselves.

My DD loves to chose a small gift for her friends. It is part of the hole going to a party bit for her. She wouldn't want to give money.

LivingLaVidaLurker2 · 27/02/2009 14:22

I'd actually be thrilled if an invite suggested a donation towards a special present, rather than having to choose a gift. I really would not think it was rude at all, especially if it was worded as, "No presents needed, but we are buying ds/dd a if you feel you would like to contribute towards that."

I would honestly be really pleased if an invite said that.

BCNS · 27/02/2009 14:23

I think this is fine.. have done this before and worked really well.. no-one minded and all thought it was a good idea.. If you get it organised on replys to invites.. then you could have the play house there at the party and say thank you for the joint gift.

wouldn't put an amount on tho.. just have a natter with the parents on invite.. sure they'd go for it. can all be very informal

thank you cards after with pressy being used is nice too

Disenchanted3 · 27/02/2009 14:23

Or accept the gifts they buy then flog them on the for sale boards

Original poster
chuffinell · 27/02/2009 14:23

crikey, what a lot of replies so soon, thank you all

i am getting the message that it wd be rude so i will just sent the invites out, watch DD open any prezzies she gets, and be greatful, i really would hate to offend anyone. (although i really wouldnt mind getting such a suggestion, wd save me shopping for a gift!)

if any family ask what to buy her, i may suggest contributing. she has 2 sets of grandparents, and lots of aunties and uncles who all buy her presents and wd do so even if i asked them not to!

she really is a very lucky girl

OP posts:
ShauntheSheep · 27/02/2009 14:30

We have a very small income and I have a stash of presents and books put away for parties so I would NOT be impressed by being asked to give money. In fact depending on the time of month I'd prob decline the invite.

My family OTH are fair game AFAIC and all my family quite happily stumped up for dd's playhouse but then they did ask what she wanted and I didnt ask for a specified amount.

Hulababy · 27/02/2009 14:30

By Whoopsybigtime

You all mustn't have very close friends! I could ask anything of my friends without feeling i was being 'rude'

But these are my daughter's friends not my friends. And my daughter's friend's parents may or may not be close friends of mine. Most I know to say hi too and engage in playground chat.

I would consider asking family or very close friends IF they asked for sugegstions, but otherwise no - I keep out of it. The giver should chose the gift if they wish to, and not feel pressured to have to contribute elsewhere.

Besides I haven't yet met a child who doesn't like getting "plastic tat" - and who is the birthday all about after all?

Ceolas · 27/02/2009 14:34

Money is a funny subject. You will always offend someone with a request for money whether it be a child's birthday present or a wedding gift.

Personally I wouldn't. I think piles of presents whether they be plastic tat or not go hand in hand with children's parties.

myfunnynametaken · 27/02/2009 14:36

Yes, it's bad manners to ask for money. You could ask your family though.

Original poster
chuffinell · 27/02/2009 14:37

well some of the parents are old friends of mine, and some are people we hardly know as she has just started school, and wants new friends to come

i wish i had worded my thread better, it does sound rude, but i was being rushed. i should have worded it 'if anyone asks what to buy for DDs birthday, wd it be rude to say 'A contribution to the playhouse fund' '

i am not a rude person, honestly! and we live in a 3 up 3 down house, dd shares with her teenage half sister and we are really crammed to the rafters with toys

maybe be best to say 'no presents' but then again, i agree kids love getting presents

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 27/02/2009 14:38

Chuffinell I would just ask family then, as I said I have done this in the past and it has worked well

Ceolas · 27/02/2009 14:39

That's my point. No matter how you flower it or how 'nicely' you ask, there are people who will get offended, just because it's money.

Can't say I'd be bothered but the responses to this thread kind of prove the point...

And fwiw, I don't think you're rude, just practical

PlumBumMum · 27/02/2009 14:39

Actually one year family suggested putting in together to get a playhouse

amidaiwish · 27/02/2009 14:46

DD just got a piano for her birthday - i asked my parents and dh parents for contributions to it, her godparents bought her a music book and a metronome(sp?) for it.
i would have loved to say to the 28 guests at her party please contribute to it but it is too rude unless v close family. even close friends who know us and know our house is overrun i wouldn't ask. they just buy v small presents! (skipping rope and bubbles from one, a pencil case and some pens from another - money isn't tight for them, they just know she doesn't need anything!) my sisters bought her some clothes (specified by me!).

so, short answer, no you just can't do it to friends. if they're only going to spend £5-£10 then let them buy a book, whatever. It is those spending £30-£50 like my parents, sisters, godparents that i felt comfortable making clear suggestions to and they were happy to receive.

PestoMonster · 27/02/2009 14:52

I think it's a good idea. A friend of mine did a similar thing when it was her 40th. She asked everyone for a contribution towards her present which was to be chickens and a hen house! Most people were more than happy to oblige as it saved us from having to think of an original present for her.

This way she got what she wanted and we were all happy.

stinkymonkey · 27/02/2009 15:05

Some people may also be offended at the suggestion that their presents will automatically be tat. What about steering people towards arty stuff that gets used up & doesn't sit around? Or just be demanding and say 'Chocolate Gifts Only as we want practical stuff that don't take up much space'.

What would your DD's reaction be if you said no presents?

crumpet · 27/02/2009 15:14

Often I recycle presents - eg if we have been given a duplicate then I will stick it in the present box - that means that I often don't spend any money on a present - so giving a £5 is more than I might have spent anyway!

mrsjammi · 27/02/2009 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/02/2009 16:47

if you go to a birthday party, you generally take a present

so i dont think it is rude to ask for money instead of a present

you assume you will get a pressie

my last charges class did £5 or a pressie

you end up having plastic breakable crap often and i would prefer a gift to be loved that i gave and not thrown in the bin 2 days later

i have no problem giving cash

like this suggestion

I would say 'we have lots of toys in the house and DD has her heart set on a playhouse so if you could put something towards her playhouse instead of a gift that would be fantastic'

nickytwotimes · 27/02/2009 16:50

I wouldn't do it and tbh I wouldn't be happy to be asked.

LIZS · 27/02/2009 16:53

why not dispense with the party and spend that money on a playhouse instead ?

Starbear · 27/02/2009 16:56

I really hope that this is going to be a good trend. Just to add my 2p's I would be happy to give for a playhouse instead of the silly stuff I grab the day before a party.
I think past 5 presents kids lose interest in any more. You can ask me I'll donate.