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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be thrilled that my friend has very politely requested that folk don't bring kids to his wedding.

174 replies

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 26/02/2009 17:51

i love dd but quite excited at possiblity of a weekend sans children.

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 20:46

I may do that Tum. If they are upset it doesn't greatly bother me. I'm evil I know, but I do detest big weddings, so your suggestion would be a good compromise.

At a small intimate reception I'd be delighted to have a few friend's children there.

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 20:49

Our weddings are interesting to say the least. I'm 24 and still meeting relatives who I knew nothing about. as the family is so huge. I'm an only child oddly enough, the only one in the family.

tumtumtetum · 27/02/2009 20:54

I know exactly the sort of event you're talking about thunderduck and they can be quite full-on - although personally that's my cup of tea.

It's worth thinking about how to go about it - you really don't want to alienate half your family - especially if they all love to come over from Ireland etc for this sort of stuff!

Weddings and perceived slights can cause rifts for years - I thought it was a load of nonsense until I got married - people can get super-touchy and really remember stuff... Just look at all of us on here who are trying to be grown-up but let's face it are actually a bit narked when their beloved offspring are snubbed.

A massive piss-up later should do it though

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 20:56

Having had a small family wedding in a beautiful church by a loch, followed by a fantastic meal, and then a big ceilidh in the evening for the reception guests, I can highly recommend that approach. We just wanted people who really meant something to us to be at our wedding - not Great Aunt Ethel who I hadn't seen for 20 years, and who had shown no interest in me either.

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 20:56

That's good advice Tumtum. As you say I can always hide when they're having the big party, and perhaps leave poor dp to deal with it. I think my family scares him.

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 20:57

But it did cause one or 2 of the rifts that Tum describes, certainly.

It is ultimately the choice of the B and G though...

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/02/2009 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 21:01

Thinking about it, and dp and I have discussed it.

If we do have a larger wedding and invite everyone, perhaps we could minimise some of the issues I have with it by having a separate room complete with movies, activities, snacks and babysitters for the children.

It'd mean no one has to feel left out because they can't bring the children. That might keep the family happy.

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 21:03

That's a great idea Thunder - it means that if you do decide to have kids there that the wedding is for everyone, and not just for couples who have GP's on tap.

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 21:04

I think I rather like that idea. I do love kids, it's just that several dozen of them running around can be a little much at times.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/02/2009 21:07

i have been to weddings with children as well as without

and the ones with children are normally stressful for the parents - and i have known a bride in tears as a child ran on dance floor, running away from its parents - they tripped and fell on her dress train and it got torn - least she had nice underwear - she felt her day was ruined - but thats a one off

as someone said weddings.speeches,3course meals etc are boring for children

just as i am sure some parents dread going to 3/4yr birthday parties

doesnt make anyone a bad parent

think some on here feel/think that once they are a parent that they cant go out without their children

yes some people on here dont have famillies/friends who can help, as yes def harder if you have 2 or more children to off load them

and if you hire a babysitter/nanny for the day/evening it does get expsensive

i think if you have children at weddings, its nice to hire some nannies and have a wedding creche - i have been in charge of many of these - its a room for children to run around/play with toys etc

but at the end of the day it is the bride and grooms day - they can decide what they want and who they want - but agree they cant get stuffy if people cant come if they cant get childcare

fwiw - im not a mum either - but use these boards

tumtumtetum · 27/02/2009 21:08

Also remember that you and your new DH can sneak off for a bit if it all gets too much. Someone said that to us - to try and take some time for ourselves to savour the day rather than rushing around keeping other people happy. And we did it - we got a drink and went and sat around the corner outside somewhere quiet for about an hour. A few people told us off a bit afterwards (light-hearted sort of) but it was lovely, a chance to reflect on the day so far and have a canoodle and sort of take time to lodge the memories in the brain.

Your plan sounds excellent to me - should keep everyone happy - and if you take some time out you will be happy too. Seriously. Just make no apologies find each other and bugger off for a bit

PerArduaAdNauseum · 27/02/2009 21:11

Oh FFS Boffinmum, tumtitum etc. Have you never wanted a grown up party? Without having to cater for children? Because that's what a wedding is for most people. A party. The religious bit is the excuse. The party is the main attraction. And having your best friends distracted because they can't remember who was looking after Woofy or don't want to explain what that man with the moustache just said is Not Unreasonable.

Grrr....

tumtumtetum · 27/02/2009 21:15

Peradua, so in fact I committed a dreadful faux pas by inviting my friends children to my wedding?

Surely it's up to them if they actually bring them or not.

If you want a party have a party. A wedding is an event which should IMO bring generations together to mark the time, expecially now communities are so screwed.

Anyway I have said what other people do it up to them a trillion times. My gripe is when the bride and groom get naffed off when you say you can't come because you are BF, or have no childcare, which is what has happened to me. People need to understand that no kids sometimes means no parents either.

If they are fine with that then great.

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 21:16

You wouldn't be someone who has babysitters on tap, now would you?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 27/02/2009 21:21

Nope, not unreasonable - a wedding is whatever you, the people getting married, want it to be.

FWIW, we had a tiny do, with family (including children, including 1 3 mo) and a very few friends. But I also know that when I finished BF I relished going to a cousin's wedding, and although other people took children I didn't take DS and it was all somebody else's problem. I had a blast. I drank too much. I didn't have to worry about waking up to any sodding tellytubbies and I talked to tons of people I hadn't seen in ages without the constant interruption of a small child.

It's nice to take time off.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 27/02/2009 21:22

Yes. I left DS with DH (payback for all the football matches).

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 21:23

Sneaking off to spend a little time together sounds like a plan Tumtum.

We haven't set a date yet but we soon will, dp wants to marry sooner than I thought he would, I'm not complaining.

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 21:26

That's great that you had someone you could leave your child with - you are lucky that you had that choice. If you want to attend without your DS then that's fine. For those of us without babysitters on tap, we have to decline the invitation which is sad when it's someone you're really close to. As I said, though, it's the B and G's decision

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/02/2009 21:28

im curious

for those parents who have no family/friends nearby

do you ever go out with your dh/dp child free for a meal/cinema etc?

tumtumtetum · 27/02/2009 21:31

That works out fine then perardua (what does that mean BTW - prob something ridiculous when truncated as I have done) - children are invited but it doesn't mean the parents have to bring them. One couple didn't bring their DD to ours - fine obviously and I hope they weren't inconvenienced by the other children.

I think I just got a bee in my bonnet with the whole newborn/BF thing and people expect you to be able to leave the baby with someone and get pissed off when you can't... anyway less of that...

thunderduck - you can also do the time honoured thing of leaving early and go somewhere nice for some coupley wedding day stuff. DH and I had agreed in advance that we would leave at 10.30 and we went home and drank champagne in the garden and it was brilliant. i was dreading having to stay til the bitter end with the lights going up and being knackered and waiting around for everyone's cabs to turn up and whathaveyou. By my reckoning people will enjoy themselves by that time whether you are there or not and if it's not your cup of tea to be up late partying with the hordes you don't have to stay...

Only one person said we were being unreasonable when we said we were leaving! Everyone else was having too much fun to care...

paolosgirl · 27/02/2009 21:32

Oh bless you!

Occasionally we manage a night out, if a friend babysits. Completely different to attending a wedding in another part of the country which entails leaving 3 children for the weekend.

BoffinMum · 27/02/2009 21:33

Blondes, it's quite easy to get a babysitter for a couple of hours with a bit of prior planning, but it's really hard to get one in to do most of the day and the whole evening as well, which is what is usually required for a wedding in another area. I think that's the problem for a lot of posters.

Thunderduck · 27/02/2009 21:33

That sounds even better.

BoffinMum · 27/02/2009 21:34

Plus frankly you're looking at about £100 in babysitting costs for anything two hours away or more.