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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that people with families who undertake huge "adventures" are selfish?

87 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 22/02/2009 21:56

I'm just (half) watching (while mn'ing) a programme on BBC2 about a guy who attempted to kayak from Australia to New Zealand.

He unfortunately lost his life near the end of his journey.

He had a wife and a toddler aged son.

AIBU to think that this type of person is selfish for undertaking such a risky thing knowing that there was a significant chance that he could die en-route?

OP posts:

nannyL · 22/02/2009 21:58

I dont think he is selfish

you only live once and could die any time you cross a road / get in a car (i appreciate these are less risky, but i have narrowly missed death on those activites twice)

Octothechildherder · 22/02/2009 22:00

I expect he thought about the risks before he left and discussed it with them - unlikely to have been done on a whim.

Some people just feel the urge to do things others would find quite mad. Also it wasn't like he took the whole famliy with him - unlike my brother who sailed round the world with his wife and 3 kids ....

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 22/02/2009 22:01

No. Life is for living, you cold die any time of anything.

MaureenMLove · 22/02/2009 22:02

Dunno really. I don't think personally I'd undertake something that could potentially leave my dd without me, but like NannyL says, you could get run over by a bus and I too, have nearly died twice.

steviesgirl · 22/02/2009 22:02

YANBU to think that. He obviously considered his "adventures" (if you can call it that), more important than his loved ones, and now he's left a wife and ds without a husband and father. Selfish indeed.

Original poster

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 22/02/2009 22:04

I know it wouldn't have been done on a whim, I just feel so sad for his wife and son, though his wife is (rightly) proud of his achievement, and I'm sure his son will be too once he's old enough to understand. I also have no doubt that they both would prefer him still to be alive

I would hate it so much if my DH wanted to do someting like this - I'd hate to stop him, but would never be able to give it my full blessing iykwim.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 22/02/2009 22:05

I made a conscious decision not to do risky activities whilst my dcs are dependents eg I used to do mild decompression scuba diving in my single days, which I no longer do. So yes, I do think it is irresponsible to take big risks with your life whilst others depend on you.

Even buying lots of insurance is not enough. It may not pay out for risky activities and even so, money cannot compensate for the devastating emotional loss of a parent.

FAQinglovely · 22/02/2009 22:06

I don't think he's selfish either, agree with Octo that he no doubt discussed the risks with his family before he left.

Infact having done a quick google this wasn't the first "adventure" he'd been on, many of his previous ones would have been before his wife fell pg. So presumably she married the man knowing he had a side to him that involved taking "risks".

ABetaDad · 22/02/2009 22:06

YANBU

I have a friend who decided to climb a very dangerous mountain at the age of 45. On of the highest peaks in the world - even though he just had an office job.

I Googled the mountain and the stories of death on it were horrific.

He left 2 daughters and a wife to do it.

I spent the next 6 weeks too frightened to call - believing he had died for certain.

He survived but confessed to suffering extreme oxygen depravation before turning back.

Stupid - uttlery stupid and selfish. I just do not get it with men sometimes.

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2009 22:07

I think it's selfish - You do these things pre- DC's or when they are over 18.

He probably didn't think he was going to die, though, did he?

noonki · 22/02/2009 22:08

If he was my DH I would find it very selfish. But I would have to have let him know that before kids.

Sassybeast · 22/02/2009 22:08

I think that deleberately undertaking a dangerous activity when you have dependents is selfish so no YANBU. I don't buy the argument that such risk equates to the risk that you 'could' get run over by a bus, car etc. It's all about the level of risk and anyone who takes that risk is inherently selfish IMO.

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2009 22:09

My dad used to do extreme things before my eldest sister was born - I'm pretty sure he took less risks after he was married/became a father - but he still took out decent life insurance.

iamaLeafontheWind · 22/02/2009 22:10

ABetaDad in my opinion think that post just made up for your negative breastfeeding post. I agree that it is selfish, it's obvious that some activities are more risky than others, but shelve the stupid risks for a while at least when you have kids.

deegward · 22/02/2009 22:10

Just watched the same prog. It was so sad, as he had a young son, dh and I just sat there and I did cry . Did however feel he was being very selfish.

LynetteScavo · 22/02/2009 22:10

I only started looking both ways to cross the road when I became PG with DC1. Life is just not the same when you have dependants.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 22/02/2009 22:12

I don't think it's selfish. I think if you marry a person who does this kind of thing, you know that's part of who they are. And that might be why you love them.

I think it's refreshing to hear this said of a man though. Women have had this same criticism for years.

FairLadyRantALot · 22/02/2009 22:13

I don't know...
however, my dh was in the army for most of our married life, so....well...he obviously took a fair few risks...

in the end you can get killed crossing the road, or whatever....

FAQinglovely · 22/02/2009 22:13

he started a previous attempt at the end of 2006, but turned back early on because of equipment failure, that was having made the first non-stop crossing of the Bass Strait in 2003 and across Gulf of Carpentaria in 2004 and led a kayaking expedition in the Antarctic circle, not to mention his mountain climbing expeditions.

My brother enjoys doing mad things such as climbing active volcanoes.........no doubt if he ever marries he'll find a woman who either also enjoys doing those thing and joins him, or someone who's willing to support him doing it from the comfort of the armchair at home.

minxofmancunia · 22/02/2009 22:14

YANBU, tis selfish indeed

Pristina · 22/02/2009 22:24

It's not always men though- wasn't there a mother/climber (Alison Hargreaves? no time to google so sorry if wrong) who was roundly criticised for doing a similar thing in relation to K2?

The programme just made me so sad, because he had the guts to turn back on his first attempt and it seems the competition with the other 2 canoeists made him lose touch with reality.

FAQinglovely · 22/02/2009 22:27

well it would have been even more foolish to turn back when you've got 80km, left of a 1600km journey wouldn't it???

piscesmoon · 22/02/2009 22:28

I don't think it is a problem to the people concerned. Someone who likes an adventurous life is likely to find a similar partner and in many cases their DC will take after them.

spicemonster · 22/02/2009 22:32

Well it's a bit difficult because if you meet and fall in love with a man that does stuff like this, you either tell them to stop doing it or you don't have kids. Or you chuck em. Whichever way, it's shite.

MsHighwater · 22/02/2009 22:33

I stopped watching this because I had the same thought. I had/have a big problem with people taking such big risks (SO much bigger than the risk of being run over by a bus - unless you are in the habit of playing "chicken" with your local buses) when they have dependents. Bringing a child into the world, for me, requires that you take reasonable care not to expose yourself to such huge risks.

I remember when Alison Hargreaves died on K2. I hadn't ever really thought about this before that and, at the time, I'm not sure if I thought I felt more strongly because she was their mother. Now I don't think that's the case.

I don't think it means ruling out all adventurous activities but kayaking in the Southern Ocean? Right from the off I was surprised when the caption described his death as a "mystery".

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