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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 'getting engaged' is a means to an end not an end in itself?

132 replies

MrsSeanBean · 14/02/2009 09:53

increasingly, I am noticing that acquainances (mainly via FB) seem to announce, proudly, that they are 'getting engaged', but with no plans for any wedding.

Am I BU, or maybe old fashioned, to think this is a very illogical thing to do if you have no plans to marry?

I also think 'long engagements' are odd - ie, "yeah... we're getting married.... in 2012" - ?!
Surely, an engagement is just the period between acceptance of a proposal and the arrangement of a wedding, which takes 6 months maximum.

OP posts:
Pruners · 14/02/2009 18:09

Message withdrawn

Sidge · 14/02/2009 18:13

A woman I used to know had been engaged 5 times She looked upon it as a way of cementing the 'relationship', not as a plan to get married. How bizarre.

But YABU about long engagements, some people have their reasons. DH and I had a 2.3 year engagement as 1, we had bought a house together and needed to save, and 2, he is in the military so we couldn't book anywhere because of his sea schedule.

Also a lot of the popular reception venues need to be booked 12-24 months in advance!

Hawkmoth · 14/02/2009 18:35

I was engaged for 5 yrs and married for about six months! I'm naturally against long engagements.

I spent all that time looking forward to a wedding, when if I'd been married (of course if he had turned out to be the love of my life, which he clearly wasn't!) I'd have been building a MARRIAGE and LIFE!

laweaselmys · 14/02/2009 18:49

Pruners The thing is if we actually get 'engaged' and tell people about it blah di blah they'd be asking me about it all the time!! I'd rather just get on with my life, and then whenever we're in a better position turn around and say okay 'we're going to get married and we're starting planning it now' (sod ring and proposal etc) and then do all the excitement and girly things. Than do it now for no reason (since we can't actually plan anything yet!)

Pruners · 14/02/2009 18:50

Message withdrawn

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 18:52

Mumwas enganbed 2 years (tosave mainly) and I alwys assumed i'd be the same.

However first engagement lasted a year then second another year; if you want a June wedidng in some aprishes you'relooking at 2 years waiting list!

I gave baby dad'sname and wasn't amrried but as the wedding was booked for 3 months after birth with a hefty deposit paid couldn't see why not tbh. And the engagemnt was ten years ago today with our 10 years wedding next year so something worked.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 18:53

I have to agree with Pruners here.

But I still don't understand all this 'we can't get married for another 5+ years because we can't afford it' when it costs £75 because, to me, as pointed out, it's about the marriage and not the wedding.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 18:53

I have to agree with Pruners here.

But I still don't understand all this 'we can't get married for another 5+ years because we can't afford it' when it costs £75 because, to me, as pointed out, it's about the marriage and not the wedding.

tumtumtetum · 14/02/2009 18:57

Do some people these days propose engagement then?

ie rather than saying will you marry me, they say shall we get engaged?

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 19:01

See you get that a lot on here
'the bride is a silly cow and wants a big do it only vcosts £75 and a frock fromOxfam'

well yes it can. And i'dahve been happyish with that I guess if i hadn't nown where the money was coming from.

But if you can afford towait two years for something you really want why the heck not?If you pay in real money and not a credit card then good on you.

And half the frilly shitness at weddings is parents and PIL inflicted in my experience. 'Oh look at the peach organza favours wuith sixty sevenlayers of finest fucketyfluff.... isn't my evangelinacaterina so wonderful.....' Dha dn I wanted a wedidng abroad and would have done ahdnt the only extra cost been losing MILfor ever with immediate effect.

I reckon £75 or £75000- if you pay for it in realmonrey do what you want.

If you'repaying on credit you might find there are more solid things to spend it on in the future.

laweaselmys · 14/02/2009 19:03

For us it's mostly about DP still being a student. I can't remember the exact details, but it all the finance and loans get very complex once you are married and it is so bloody difficult getting you money in this county anyway I am a bit scared of doing anything that will further complicate things!! Plus he will be living away weekdays next year - and even though I know loads of married couples live like that. That's just not married to me.

It's not really about the money (I have pondered our wedding. It definitely involves a BBQ as the reception in somebodies garden.)

Maybe you are right though. In which case, we are engaged but keeping it very quiet

BTW, there was no will you marry me moment. It was just that when talking about our future we decided we wanted to get married. Nothing formal about it.

whenigrowupiwanttobe · 14/02/2009 19:04

We had a long engagement (3 years) because we wanted to save for our wedding and buy a house. It took that long to save up because we were both very young and didn't earn very much. We set the day right from the outset and I had booked the church and wedding reception within weeks of announcing our engagement.

whenigrowupiwanttobe · 14/02/2009 19:07

I do know someone who had a short engagement (a couple of months) but they had booked the venue and bought the dresses 18 months before the wedding but wanted a short engagement. I thought that was a bit daft, we were told to keep the date free but they weren't actually engaged!

chillybangbang · 14/02/2009 19:24

Recessions are very depressing and worrying, but if this one puts an end to the fashion for long engagements followed by obscenely expensive weddings then at least there'll have been one good thing to come out of it.

MilaMae · 14/02/2009 19:30

Errrm dp and I have been together 20 years, engaged for 6 .

Were going to have a v small wedding then got pg with twins(long story) chronic sickness,then another baby when the twins were 15 months,re-location,no money etc,etc. Life has just got in the way.

Trying to organise an even smaller wedding now for when we get our act together(dsis is getting married this summer so going to watch and learn) in order to protect the kids and each other.

SoWhat · 14/02/2009 19:30

I got married yesterday in a registry office. Just me, DH DD and 2 witnesses. Nobody else knew. We weren't very popular with our families yesterday when we told them but they are coming round now and realising that we just wanted to be married, without all the fuss of a big wedding and more importantly the cost!

MilaMae · 14/02/2009 19:33

Dp bought me a shocking Argos cheap, glitzy ring to terrify me with the promise of getting a real one I could help choose later.

Our ex landlord nicked said ring and I soooo don't want 100s of £ssss spent on a real one so I haven't even got a ring to show for my loooong engagement

tumtumtetum · 14/02/2009 19:33

Congratulations!!!!

tumtumtetum · 14/02/2009 19:34

That's to Mrs Sowhat, not you Mila, obviously

MilaMae · 14/02/2009 19:36

Sinlaw did that Sowhat, then went to Tesco for hot chocolate, ours will be as stress free but trying to think of something meaningful to do after-Tesco hot choc would be pushing it even for me

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!

What did you do after?

SoWhat · 14/02/2009 19:42

Went back to the house with our 2 witnesses for champagne and told all the family!

Claire236 · 14/02/2009 19:47

dh & I didn't announce we'd got engaged. We told people we were getting married as surely that's the whole point. The wedding was 8 months after the engagement.

tumtumtetum · 14/02/2009 20:10

This thread has made me all soppy now!

I think what is odd is that some people seem to think that being engaged is the "thing" to celebrate and is something in itself.

Which of course it isn't - it's a happy occasion because it means the real big deal - ie the marriage - will be along soon.

"Engaged" is not a state in itself IYSWIM.

Also, as I've gone soppy now, feeling a bit for all the engaged types as being married is just so special

comparethePeachydotcom · 14/02/2009 20:13

I bet dd will havea big one sowhat LOL (said congrats on oter thread but it is lovely news)- mum had smilar: interview suits for clothes,registry office then fish & chips in the pub with mates

sisters and had weddings of varying costs /locations but all big bashes in their own way

Pruners · 14/02/2009 20:18

Message withdrawn

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