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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 'getting engaged' is a means to an end not an end in itself?

132 replies

MrsSeanBean · 14/02/2009 09:53

increasingly, I am noticing that acquainances (mainly via FB) seem to announce, proudly, that they are 'getting engaged', but with no plans for any wedding.

Am I BU, or maybe old fashioned, to think this is a very illogical thing to do if you have no plans to marry?

I also think 'long engagements' are odd - ie, "yeah... we're getting married.... in 2012" - ?!
Surely, an engagement is just the period between acceptance of a proposal and the arrangement of a wedding, which takes 6 months maximum.

OP posts:
JulesJules · 14/02/2009 10:19

Totally agree. I think it's weird how it has become a state in itself, and not necessarily leading to marriage. TBH I think a lot of it is an excuse to get more presents out of people. (Engagement parties, engagement presents, wtf)

We just decided to get married. Then we got married, about 2 months later, just us, the vicar, parents and two witnesses, out for a meal and then 3 days in Paris.

TrillianAstra · 14/02/2009 10:21

Planning to get engaged is weird and nonsensical.

Long engagements do have some kind of sense to them (saving up, etc).

I think you may have underestimated how long it takes to plan a wedding MrsSB, my friend's little sister is getting married summer 2010 and she couldn't have the date she wanted as they were booked up for quite a few weekends already.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean · 14/02/2009 10:22

I suppose it all depends on what you want TA: I know it can be done in under four weeks proposal to marriage - because we did it!

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 14/02/2009 10:24

I have to admit that even though I have dutifully oohed and aahed over friend's proposals I really don't understand the whole "big proposal" thing. It must make things incredibly stressful for the person doing the asking, and, to be honest, I would have been a bit pissed off to find out that DH wanted to marry me, but hadn't told me for months on end!

Mind you, I'm probably not typical because I didn't have (or want) an engagement ring either. It seemed like a waste of money as I would have a wedding ring on that finger soon enough. In fact, a work collegue noticed a ring on my finger and came over to me very excited that I had an engagement ring at last - but it was the wedding ring and we were married already.

moondog · 14/02/2009 10:24

Oh Christ yes!!!
The crap like 'We will be getting engaged on Chantelle's 21st birthday/Christmas Eve/my dog's 3rd birthday.'

wtf indeed.

Loons.
Loons I tell ya!

All engagement and wedding related stuff is naff as hell.
I'm going to a wedding reception ce soir.

I am betting £20 on 'Lady in Red' being played at some point in proceedings (all 40 somethings)

Aaargh!!

Babieseverywhere · 14/02/2009 10:28

I got engaged end of July and got married that November...less than 4 months of engagment and it only took me 6 weeks of that time to arrange all the wedding !!!

Then 9 months and one day after our wedding our daughter was born. I don't hang around for years planning stuff

Miaou · 14/02/2009 10:32

Dh and I got engaged at the end of my first year at university, and got married two years later at the end of the summer after I sat my final exams. I didn't want to be married as a student, I wanted to concentrate totally on my degree then move on to the next phase in my life. Dh was happy with that. But otherwise I think long engagements are defeating the object.

When I was seventeen I was pressured into getting engaged by my then boyfriend, with the idea that we would get married when we were older. He wanted to get engaged because we had been going out for years and he felt it was "time we moved on to doing something else" . I felt bulldozed by it all (and by my and his parents who were good friends) and very uncomfortable with it (and actually heaved a sigh of relief when he dumped me two years later )

TrillianAstra · 14/02/2009 10:32

I'm not saying I would be planning for years on end, just that these things can't always be whipped up in an afternoon if there are specific things you want. Not just flashy stuff, but you might want to get married in a particular church, your family might need warning to take time off work, etc.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 14/02/2009 10:32

Certainly the idea of set-piece 'romantic proposals' utterly boggles me. I have proposed to a few XPs when pissed, admittedly (but always managed to get out of it waaaaay before any actual wedding plans appeared).
Mind you, a phenomenon that's actively unpleasant and should be discouraged (as opposed to the long engagements or pre-planned engagements which are a bit daft but not worth getting your undies in a bundle over) is the Proposal-as-doggy-treat, where a man uses the possibility of a BIg Proposal to control his partner ie 'I was going to propose but you've spoiled it now by answering back/wearing that dress/leaving the bathroom untidy' or just hints heavily that a proposal is upcoming and everything has to be perrrrrrfect. I am amazed that any woman puts up with this sort of crap, but have seen several threads on here about it.

sleepyeyes · 14/02/2009 10:37

I dont get this whole getting Engaged but no plans for a wedding but then we Met, got engaged, moved in together and got married all within a year.

My sister got engaged about 5 years ago and her DP still wont set a date, he keeps saying in a few year time. She gets really upset about this as she got engaged to be married and her DP just seems to have got engaged.

And planning on getting engaged just seems odd. Especially telling people you are getting engaged on a specific date, doesn't that mean that you have just announced your engagment?

Pruners · 14/02/2009 10:38

Message withdrawn

moondog · 14/02/2009 10:38

The phrase 'setting a date' sets me teeth on edge.

moondog · 14/02/2009 10:40

And I love (in masochisitc kinda WAY) the way
that Nicola and Dave start referring to selves and each other as 'the bride' and 'the groom'.

Aaaargh!!!

Pruners · 14/02/2009 10:40

Message withdrawn

moondog · 14/02/2009 10:43

OMFG

I have to confess to having just sent dh out to get something from her w....w...e....

No,it's no good,I can't even type it.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 14/02/2009 10:44

Basically, getting engaged used to mean 'more sexual access for the bloke, more status for the woman'. And if a bloke broke his engagement and ran away the woman could sue him .
SLeepyeyes, I think your sister's situation is a perfect example of what I said earlier: her DP thinks a ring will shut her up and in his head he is keeping his options open.

Pruners · 14/02/2009 10:59

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 14/02/2009 11:03

No yanbu. Never understood it really. 'Well we're going to get engaged on Valentine's Day' WHY? What is the point?

Just get married, or don't. Stop faffing about.

Dragonfly74 · 14/02/2009 11:08

Dh proposed in July 2005 and we were married in september 2005, We did it on a budget but still managed to have everything we wanted, it was a fantastic day.

People ask if we would have liked longer to arrange the wedding but months or even years of planning would of driven me insane.

wotulookinat · 14/02/2009 11:11

We got engaged in Nov 2005. We did plan to marry the next year, but finances didn't permit it at the time, and still don't, so we are still not married.
We're not 'faffing about'. Getting engaged was some form of a commitment between the two of us.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 11:15

Oh, yes, the proposal.

BBC brought in some managers from exclusive restaurants to share their stories on proposals that have gone in in their workplaces.

One gal said she needed to go to the bathroom after the proposal and on the way she stopped by the kitchen and asked if they could write, 'NO way in HELL' on a piece of paper and give it to the bloke.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 11:16

I'm very old-fashioned, though. I don't get being engaged for years and years of having this big, gigantic wedding after you've had kids.

Just do it!

You don't even need rings to be legally married.

It costs £75.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 11:17

Oh, well, I've posted on about a hundred of those 'cash for weddings' thread.

No way. No how.

wotulookinat · 14/02/2009 11:20

We don't want a big wedding - but £75 is a lot of dosh to have spare in our house!

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 11:21

£75 is not a lot to save over the course of 3 or 4 years.

Even for the extremely skint.