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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 'getting engaged' is a means to an end not an end in itself?

132 replies

MrsSeanBean · 14/02/2009 09:53

increasingly, I am noticing that acquainances (mainly via FB) seem to announce, proudly, that they are 'getting engaged', but with no plans for any wedding.

Am I BU, or maybe old fashioned, to think this is a very illogical thing to do if you have no plans to marry?

I also think 'long engagements' are odd - ie, "yeah... we're getting married.... in 2012" - ?!
Surely, an engagement is just the period between acceptance of a proposal and the arrangement of a wedding, which takes 6 months maximum.

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 14/02/2009 11:23

You're right, of course. It's just not high on our list of priorities I guess.

independiente · 14/02/2009 11:34

BitofFun, can understand your situation, that does seem v different.
Rusty Bear, why should someone else's being bothered bother you? (We could go round in circles with this!)

RustyBear · 14/02/2009 11:55

It doesn't bother me that much, I just added that comment because I was posting anyway - I wouldn't have bothered to post just to ask why anyone else was bothered iyswim

I have a couple of friends at work who got engaged at about the same time; the one who got engaged first is planning to get married next August, by which time the second one will have got married (in South Africa, while living in England, so quite a lot of organisation required) and had her first baby. Both plans seem equally valid to me.

alicecrail · 14/02/2009 12:03

My dh and i felt the same, so we decided between us to get married when we could afford it and got married within 4 months and our dd christened at the same time. It was lovely, but i think the problem is that people are wanting it all and thats just not affordable. My sister has been on/off engaged for a year and a half and i can't see it ever happening. I would like it to, for her sake but i'm not convinced it ever will.

smurfgirl · 14/02/2009 12:04

We were engaged for 2.5 years - we had the big wedding which got booked 2 years (!) in advance and we were only 21 at the time and everyone was a bit so we were happy to wait.

I was also finishing my degree and wanted to be qualified when we married - not that that happened but best laid plans. Oh and we got married away from where we live and didn't drive for much of it so had to be ferried around by my mum so it helped having ages to organise everything.

I think engagements of a year are pretty normal - my parents had that as did friends who married last year.

moondog · 14/02/2009 12:30

Ah Pruners, I like her see, and she's had a shit time and has finally found a lovely man so, if it makes her happy, what the hell!

White weddings and honeymoons when you have kids also bloody ridiculous.

These things really meant somethnig when you didn't automatically shack up with someone and start spawning after 5 mins.

I have feckless teenage relative with a baby. She lives at home, bf lives with his mum. Her mother babies her and the baby. She has generous benefits. Turned her nose up at my offer of ds's perfectly good babystuff as she wanted all new.

As my sister says 'all the rights of parenthood and none of the responsibilities'.

Joolsiam · 14/02/2009 12:31

Well I think I have one of those DP's that thinks a ring will shut me up and we wil stay engaged forever !! Life also got in the way though.

Very romantic proposal Nov 98 - I was working abroad and he flew out as surprise. I came back to the UK for good (rather than visiting every other weekend) in Feb 2000 and we were going to start sorting out a wedding - then he lost his job, got ill, depressed etc etc so it got put on the back burner. 2 years later, we booked somewhere for the next summer, but then I started having trouble at work - lots of stress, employment tribunals etc, so we postponed.

It then became clear to me that DP didn't WANT to get married until he was back in the workplace and able to support me and pay for the wedding - this was very important to him, so we finally cancelled the venue and I was resigned to waiting...

Last Summer, I started dropping hints about wouldn't it be nice to have a Winter wedding - just a small one, to mark ten years after he proposed. Then I got PG and we though it would be nice to once we had a LO who could toddle down the aisle with me. Unfortunately I miscarried at nearly 12 weeks, so back to square one and engagement moving into its 11th year

To be honest, I've more or less given up now - if I am lucky enough to ever have a child, then I'm sure we will have a small wedding but if not, we've lasted this long without a marriage certificate - longer than a lot of marriages I would think and part of me worries that finally getting married could jinx things.

moondog · 14/02/2009 12:34

Why does one have to 'hint' top the one you live with?
I wouldn't want to spend a moment with a man I felt I had to coerce into committing.

Jools, that sounds really traumatic. Hope it works out for you.

cory · 14/02/2009 12:37

We had a long engagement- 5 years before the wedding, and even the engagement only happened several years after we had first decided we were going to get married.

The reason was exactly that mentioned by solidgold in her 10:15 post: like any old 19th century couple, we had to wait until we had finished our training and had the money to physically move to be in the same place. And because we were poor and could not afford the telephone, ours must have been one of the last courtships to be conducted by letters. We met twice a year; that was all we could afford.

I think it was quite romantic

The wedding was big- but then this was my saying goodbye, to my country and my family and my friends. And dh's chance to get to meet the extended family; we knew it would a long time before we would have the chance to travel around to meet them individually.

CarGirl · 14/02/2009 12:43

Joolsiam if your dp doesn't want to marry you why does he still want to be with you?? What is so wrong with your relationship that he doesn't want the committment, or just in fact marry you because you would like to be married?

Pruners · 14/02/2009 12:45

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 12:48

Joolsiam, what a sad post! Don't you think you deserve someone who at least values the same things as you do?

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 14/02/2009 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tumtumtetum · 14/02/2009 13:05

Totally agree with pruners.

We did have a fairly big wedding but ny dad paid all traditional style. If we'd been doing it ourselves I always thought registry do followed by big piss up in the pub sounded good . So we would have been married, and married reasonably quickly, no matter what.

The most important thing about a wedding isn't the trappings but making the promises to each other (and meaning them) in front of people who are important to you. The rest is just extras (albeit nice extras - no-one minds a free meal!).

Getting married (the ceremony) and being married is the best feeling there is IMO - right up there with having DD.

diedandgonetodevon · 14/02/2009 13:40

IMO an engagement is purely a means to an end, as is the wedding day. We had the most beautiful wedding with just close family & friends but we did it because we wanted to be married not because we wanted a big party.

Too many marriages start on a downer because one/both of the couple haven't looked any further ahead than the wedding day.

As for 'planning to get engaged'... just plain weird!

MummyDoIt · 14/02/2009 13:41

I just hate the phrase 'getting engaged'. It makes me think of occupied toilets.

MrsMattie · 14/02/2009 13:42

My personal opinion is that nobody over the age of about 21 should get engaged. It's for kids. If your getting married, get married FGS!

Pruners · 14/02/2009 13:45

Message withdrawn

rachels103 · 14/02/2009 14:00

I agree with others, that being 'engaged' means that you are intending to get married, ie 'Will you marry me' 'Yes' - now you're engaged. Then you might actually get married in 2 months or 5 years, but the question has been asked.

ummadam · 14/02/2009 14:02

We were engaged for 8 weeks :D It took that long to organise something cheap (we were both students) simple and to give close friends and family enough time to come. Neither of us really get the 'long engagement/major event wedding' thing - the marriage is far more important. But.... everyone is entitle to do it their own way and maybe getting engaged is a big step in itself for some people?

Tinker · 14/02/2009 14:04

I hate all this engaged to be engaged nonsense as well but do you think it happens to keep some women quiet? There are still plenty of posts on here along the lines of "I hope he proposes" etc. Isn't getting engaged/planning to get engaged just another step further along maybe? I suspect less men are bothered about being married than women.

DaisyMooSteiner · 14/02/2009 14:08

I got 'eterned' to my 25 yo boyfriend on my 18th birthday, it was all planned in advance and we'd got each other luverly rings from H Samuel

In my defence though, it was his idea and I dumped him fairly soon after. (Thank god, I note from Facebook that he refers to his wife as his 'good lady' )

expatinscotland · 14/02/2009 14:10

My ex boyfriend refers to his partner as 'the good lady' or 'her indoors' [boak].

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 14/02/2009 14:21

Tinker, oh absolutely. I always think, 'oh you poor silly mare, you're setting up an appalling pattern for the future' when I hear of women trying to manoevre and coax a partner into proposing or planning a wedding.These end up being the classic inertia relationships, where one partner is desperate not to be single, and the other finally reaches the point of going, oh well, got to settle down sooner or later, might as well give her what she wants (sadly it is nearly always the woman who wants the marriage and the man who thinks he could do worse, he supposes). Then a few years down the line he will be off slipping a female workmate a length or two and when his DW finds out, saying, Oh well it was you who wanted us to get married...

laweaselmys · 14/02/2009 18:07

DP and I would like to get married at some point. But because 'at some point' is still a factor (student, baby, no money, would like a church booked etc) we're not engaged. I refuse to be until being engaged means I can sit down and plan the wedding. (and have it in 6 months time!)

I think to other people because we've had that conversation and do want to get married then we ought to say we are engaged IYSWIM.

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