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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at my friend using my AP for her childcare?

33 replies

NewTeacher · 12/02/2009 10:02

Hello All

I have a friend who shares the school run with me (well my AP). I have found on a number of occasions when I come home from work that her son is at my house. She has usually popped off to the shops and then has the cheek to say I should drop him home!

I dont mind if she asks in advance if we are staying in then its not a problem but she seems to think I never have any plans!

The other day she left her son even though the AP said she wasnt sure if it was ok (she was too polite to say no) saying she was just quickly going to the shops. My son was going to a friends to play that day so it wasnt convenient. When I got home I called her to find what time she was coming but she wasnt answering her phone. She came by an hour and a half later and was told by AP that I had to cancel playdate as we didnt know when she would be back.

She phoned me later to apologise (if you can call it that) by saying there was a misunderstanding and that AP hadnt made it clear that her son could not stay and then trying to make me feel guilty by saying "do you have a problem with my DS staying when your DS has a playdate I thought they could play together, if you feel you need to discuss it call me". I thought thats a bit cheeky just because my DS has a playdate doesnt mean I want her son to be there too! I think she thought the play date was at my house even so I have two DC's and another 2 DC's were coming to play so TBH I didnt really want her DS there as well especially as he is a bit hyper.

When I called her back to discuss it she pre empted me by saying "AP tells me you were upset that my DS stayed today why was that?" I know AP didnt say that as I discussed what happened with her before I called. I told her that in future if she wanted her DS to stay she should call me first and I would let AP know as sometimes we have plans and AP is not aware of them. SO she says why didnt she just say no he cant stay? I told her that the AP was too polite to say no and really she shouldnt be making arrangements with my AP they should be made directly with me.

I was pretty annoyed was i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 12/02/2009 10:05

no yabu - your poor AP - what a difficult situation for your friend to put her in. - arrangements should definitely be made with you unless you say otherwise.

spicemonster · 12/02/2009 10:05

No YANBU. She sounds like a crap 'friend'. If she wants childcare, she should pay for her own

FAQinglovely · 12/02/2009 10:06

sory - that should of course be YANBU

cocolepew · 12/02/2009 10:06

No YNBU she's taking the piss.

DandyLioness · 12/02/2009 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pawslikepaddington · 12/02/2009 10:14

She is taking the pee-I hate women like her!!

Dropdeadfred · 12/02/2009 10:18

cheeky cow....

Wizzska · 12/02/2009 10:22

I think we are unanimous, YANBU. Well handled by the way.

nickschick · 12/02/2009 10:24

Maybe your AP and your children and lots of their friends should go and play at your friends house?

BitOfFun · 12/02/2009 10:25

YANBU at all - she sounds like a right piece of work!

Original poster
NewTeacher · 12/02/2009 10:27

Thankyou! I thought maybe I was going over the top!

She does it at least once a week....But hopefully this will have put a stop to it....

I have told AP that if 'friend' asks to leave her son she should always say NO

and yes she does try to make me feel like I'm the one being unreasonable! I thought I was going mad

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 12/02/2009 10:30

does she have your son over once a wekk too?

i bet she doesn't....

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/02/2009 10:31

YANBU - your friend is DEF taking the piss and using FREE childcare

your poor ap to be put in that position

DandyLioness · 12/02/2009 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NewTeacher · 12/02/2009 10:44

Problem is because our kids are in the same school and class its difficult to 'let her go' IYSWIM.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 12/02/2009 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NewTeacher · 12/02/2009 10:54

Note has been duly made!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 12/02/2009 10:56

NewTeacher, agree your friend is taking the piss.

I arrange all playdates with other mothers, and then check with my aupair/mothers that they are happy that it is aupair there, rather than me.

As it is, I have never asked my aupair to look after another person's child, because it is not fair on the parent to trust my aupair vetting skills, nor on my aupair who is not paid to provide childcare and responsibility over and above her contract. It is an unequal relationship between a parent and someone else's aupair.

The only times my aupair got anywhere near this arrangement was spontaneous trips to the park after school during summer where my dd would play with her friend and my aupair and the other parent stayed to watch.

From what you describe, it sounds like she is taking advantage of both the AP and you. You are entirely right to tell her that all arrangements must be made with you. Then don't make yourself particularly available to her. Or start calling her to fix a series of dates you can leave your son with her - and be very inflexible on agreeing dates and reciprocity so talks start to become a real pain and she avoids you.

Good riddance.

Original poster
NewTeacher · 12/02/2009 11:00

love it!

OP posts:
mumof2222222222222222boys · 12/02/2009 11:17

My friend has borrowed my AP a bit recently - in the AP's own time, and by agreeemtn with all. she pays her £6 an hour. Everyone is happy. Invoice your "friend"

marcolini · 12/02/2009 11:28

yanbu - she's just using your kindness. Agree with spicemonster. Can you not share the school run with her? The less you have to do with her the better.

georgimama · 12/02/2009 11:39

She sounds horrific. Just because your child and hers go to the same school does not mean you have to be bosom buddies.

Drop her. Tell her why.

TheCrackFox · 12/02/2009 11:40

Good idea mumof222222 - invoice the "friend".

I hate this type of behaviour and it is very unfair on your AP.

Bonnycat · 12/02/2009 13:27

YANBU,she is a cheeky cow!
What if something happened and her son got hurt?
I would tell Au pair to say no in future ,when i was a nanny i occasionally got asked to do this and always said i wasnt allowed to without my bosses prior agreement in case anything should happen.

RedtartanLass · 12/02/2009 13:43

OMG Cheeky Cow, I'm amazed and envious of how well you handled it. Congratulations!