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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a second baby at now

122 replies

broody4baby · 05/02/2009 21:35

My DC is 15 months. I am loving being a mummy.

DH is in the building trade, work looking grim but got money in the business to get by as normal for the next 7 months. After that we would really really struggle, BUT DH thinks the trade will pick up by then.

I really want to try for DC2. Others in my baby group are getting pregnant and I want to be too!

DH thinks its totally maddness and far to risky. AIBU to think things will be ok?

OP posts:

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 10:36

I wouldn't use a nursery (as I do once a week now) until DC1 was 3 and would gain a free place. I also think our nursery is too busy for a little baby so would rather wait until baby is older. Family provide our 2 days care at the moment anyway.

As for Maternity leave, I would take 6 months as I am PT already and the first 2 months are almost full pay anyway, with the 3rd being only around £400 short and the 4th and 5th month £1000 short of my full salary. So all in all £2400 to find. As our interest rate on our house has just gone from 5% to 1.98% we are saving anyway each month.

I know things are very scary at the moment and perhaps we should wait to see how the building trade goes BUT how long could that be, 6 months, 6 years? Who knows. Sometimes you have to take a chance don't you? Yes we need around 1/2 his income to survive (and I do mean survive) but he should always be able to find something. People think he is great at his job and is popular.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 10:42

Well you need to ask your family if they are happy to provide care for two children - one under 1 and one 2 1/2 year old - which is very different from one pre-toddler which is what they are doing now. Personally family based arrangements always seem to me to be fraught with uncertainty and I would not be comfortable unless I knew I could pay for childcare if I needed to.

Regarding saving - do you mean you are actually putting the difference in your mortgage payments away in a savings account? Because if so then yes obviously that will set you up - but if you mean that you are just having more disposable income each month then I would say DO NOT rely on interest rates staying so low. Are you on a variable rate? Because if so you need to do a sum about how you would pay your mortgage if the building trade doesn't pick up but interest rates go back up to 7 or 8% and you can't work full time because you can't afford the childcare and dh can't pick up the slack because he's out there every day job hunting or working short term for cash in hand. If you think you can still do it - given all that - then go fo it - but don't base the future of your family on questionable assumptions.

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 10:51

My family believe in helping one another Northerlurker and so would love us to have another baby.

We are on a tracker and yes anything left over each month goes into our savings account. As soon as a good deal for a longer fixed rate (more than 2 years comes up, we will be switching - our advisor is fab). Anyway,

"questionable assumptions" isn't that just LIFE! You can't really plan for everything! How do you know YOUR DH will have a job next week, how do you know your house won't burn down, interest rate won't be 1/2 % or 15% etc etc etc.

Nobody really has a 100% safe job. Nobody knows what will happen...........but life does have to go on.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 10:55

Sorry but what you say about your family makes me even more certain that you haven't directly asked them!

Yes we have to make assumptions but basing your families future on the assumption that the GLOBAL ECONOMY will just have to pick up in the next 6 months is an assumption too far for me.

What do you teach btw? I'm guessing (more assumptions that it isn't history or economics!

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 11:01

Yes off course I have asked my family, I not STUPID northerlurker. I am very lucky they are great.

So are you suggesting the whole planet doesn't continue to have babies, move house, take a loan to improve their house, go on holiday.........

I don't teach economics but I do know that these situations are circluar. Nothing lasts for ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 11:01

I'm not

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 11:04

I stand corrected.

I'm not suggesting that the whole planet stops reproducing - I'm saying that you - in your situation should think twice. Your child is only 15 months - unless you are over 40 I think you have time and whilst yes it's better to have a child than not , it's also better to have that child in as much security as you can reasonably expect. Right now - you don't have that.

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 11:14

Just for the sake of asking. If he has 7 months back up in the bank and another 6 months work came in, would that change things IYO? Only I'm not sure when you can say "oh we now have financial security?" Being self employed is different.

I bet your DH is in a job like mine???

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 11:39

No my dh is a salaried position - as am I.

I think if you have money in the bank and 6 months work then yes that is reasonable. It's just at the moment you have money and a black hole in 6 months - and there's nothing much you can do to influence the latter - howver much you bolster the former. That's why I'm saying wait.

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 11:40

Sorry - you meant a job like you not 'mine' as in 'my dh' right - in that case the answer is yes.

dustbuster · 07/02/2009 11:49

Broody4baby - would you be prepared to go full time if your DH's work completely dried up? And would your family/DH be prepared to cover the childcare? If yes, and your DH WANTS another baby, I'd say go for it. If not, I think it would be unwise. The recession is going to last a lot longer than 6 months, and the building trade will take a long time to recover.

(Also, was a bit at you criticising your DH for not being a doctor. Why didn't YOU train as a doctor?!)

LucyEllensmummy · 07/02/2009 11:53

broody - a fair question, one i can't answer - i suffer from depression and have been quite unwell. But you are right - and im commenting merely on my own circs.

Your OP read very much as if he was the sole earner - the fact that you have a stable salary makes a huge difference. I would still be wary about having a baby if your partner really doesn't want one. But hey - my DD was an "accident" and we both love her dearly and woud,nt be without her.

I HOPE your DH is right about the building trade - as we are begining to struggle. But then we have struggled for the past three years - i do the accounts and admin and hoping that we can build the business up enough for me to be able to significantly contribute by doing this.

I am hoping that if we did our heels in that we will come through the crunch stronger and therefore be ahead of the competition.

I might want to pick your brains about the limited company thing - my DP is considering that but i dont really know anything about it.

LazyWoman · 07/02/2009 11:56

Broody - I've read through this whole thread and I think you have thought about your family's financial issues as much as you could possibly have done, except you are being extremely optimistic when you say things will pick up in six months. It is more likely to be 2 years or more!

However, no-one knows the future and if everyone waited for perfect conditions before having a baby, the population would be greatly reduced! Also, other things can kick in - you might move abroad to work, or go for retraining in another industry etc. etc. You just don't know.

Nevertheless, would it be so hard for you to wait just a bit longer before going for it - particularly as your dh is doubtful? Could you & dh have a Plan B worked out first if things really do go pear-shaped?

Your children would still be close in age and it would be so much nicer if your dh felt good about it as well and could look forward to it as much as you! It would be a shame to have the event marred by worries over money.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do

LazyWoman · 07/02/2009 12:08

Sorrento - you're obviously feeling very emotional and defensive about your situation & there seem to be other issues in your relationship that you haven't resolved, even if you think you have.

Are you sure you're not looking to have another baby for the wrong reasons?

One thing's for sure though - as it stands - you'll never be happy and your marriage would be doomed to failure if you don't give the IVF a try. I just think it would be so much better for you all if you truly had dh's support.

Best wishes in whatever you choose to do

sorrento · 07/02/2009 13:51

With respect I think 4 years thought is adequet from both DH and I.
If he didn't want to have a tube inserted into his balls and sperm removed I can assure you he'd have said so.

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 14:59

Sorrento - do you think he would have said so - bearing in mind that his choice seems to have been sperm or your wife walks out?

$ years is a long time - but if you haven't moved on in your thought processes at all in that time then it might as well have been 5 minutes. You are justifiably angry about the family decision he made alone - but you seem to have thought as far as IVF to fix that and gone no further. So I say again - think what you will do if it fails - before you start!

sorrento · 07/02/2009 15:03

Right my final word on this subject, I don't know what i'll do IF it fails, maybe I'll pack his bags or maybe I'll get over it I cannot possibly know until we are in that situation.
I have to believe 110% it will work because beyond that is so horrible.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 16:56

i don;t mean to be harsh ,but there is a realistic chance the IVF will fail.

pinning your hopes on it or burying your head in the sand as to what will happen is just displacement activity

because one way or the other, whether it works or fails, your relationship is going ot be sorely tested

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 19:47

Thank you Lazywomen. I had a long think today and you have summed it up for me!

Lucy - My DH has been sooooooo busy for years, employing several other chaps etc. The Ldt company thing is great from a tax point of view. We have never had to struggle and that's in part why I am so blinkered!

We will leave it a few months........I think......

One more thing though mumsnetters - can you PLEASE TRY and be a bit more POSITIVE!!! I am sure some of you are creating this recession by talking us deeper into it! Splash out on a new car, go on holiday, have an extenstion etc etc, you are helping your country ladies

POSITIVITY PLEASE!!

OP posts:

toddlerama · 07/02/2009 22:16

Positivity is one thing, but I think as some others have pointed out, this financial climate probably isn't going anywhere for some time....however I don't think this means stop having children.

Other things will have to be cut back on for sure, but as someone who had a little surprise 3 months ago (when we were already living with family and broke), 2 doesn't cost much more than 1 if you keep all the stuff. We've had clothes and equipment from our local freecycle and have genuinely been surprised at how little an impact she has made on our finances.

I have had to find a way to make extra money and am slowly building up 2 small businesses. It is possible when you have no choice, so if you are willing to make those sacrifices by choice instead of necessity, there is no reason you can't have another one.

I know we are extremely lucky to have the support of my parents, but our situation was quite extreme when we had our first and we were already living here. They wouldn't hear of us leaving before we had cleared our debts and are loving having us and their grandchildren around. Also, the rent we pay them helps with their mortgage and bills.

It is an unusual solution, and I fully expect criticism. Just putting it out there because I think creative solutions are required in times like these! If you can't stand the thought of living with family, I know other families who have started house sharing to pay just one lot of bills, council tax etc. As long as you've got the space to pack everyone in and everyone is ready to compromise, it can work. Sorry, I know this is long, but my little surprise has been such a blessing and I hate the thought of someone regretting not having a child for the rest of their life because they thought they needed to give them their own bedroom, all new clothes etc.
x

Original poster

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 22:52

That is such a lovely story toddlerama! I don't think I could live with my parents however but that's a whole new thread! I think the thing about your story that strikes a cord with me is that as long as you have your loving children and partner you will always get through somehow!

Out of interest what are your too small business?

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sorrento · 08/02/2009 12:14

Toddler, those are my thoughts exactly, I think once you have more than one child you do realise how unimportant all the baby tat that people think is essential is.
The only concern I've ever had was the own bedroom thing but even then, they sleep there and that's it, the rest of the time they want to be where ever mum and dad and the family are so really we're talking an extra chair at the table.

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