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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a second baby at now

122 replies

broody4baby · 05/02/2009 21:35

My DC is 15 months. I am loving being a mummy.

DH is in the building trade, work looking grim but got money in the business to get by as normal for the next 7 months. After that we would really really struggle, BUT DH thinks the trade will pick up by then.

I really want to try for DC2. Others in my baby group are getting pregnant and I want to be too!

DH thinks its totally maddness and far to risky. AIBU to think things will be ok?

OP posts:
sorrento · 06/02/2009 18:51

Oh fuck off newpup, we support our family financially and I didn't change my mind, he did, you've never made a mistake in your life I imagine ?

Gavlaar · 06/02/2009 19:07

defensive

sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:15

And you wouldn't be ?

jemart · 06/02/2009 19:15

There is never a good time financially to have a baby. It can be lovely having kids close together in age, my two are only 18 months apart and get on incredibly well.
My MIL thought we were bonkers when she learned I was pregnant with 3rd DC, and DH was repeatedly teased that he should "tie a knot in it". I've no plans to have more children and we did consider a vasectomy but on balance I don't think I'd ever let him because I just know we would have a change of heart.

Northernlurker · 06/02/2009 19:18

It's very hard to want a child you can't have for whatever reason. Just because something is hard to live with doesn't mean you should just plough on regradless, focusing only on what you want! My view is that it is insanity to bring a child into a family where you are already under stress for financial issues beyond your control. It is insanity to spend on an elective process such as IVF money that could otherwise keep a roof over your existing childrens heads and it is insanity (and the kiss of death to your marriage) to pressurise a man into conceiving a child he doesn't want. If there's any of that going on on this thread then ladies I urge you - think again!

sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:19

Jemart - just use belt and braces lol The thing with vasectomies is that they are so final and what if there was a car accident or a fire or something where god forbid your whole family was killed.
It really really annoyed me that no counselling is offered, no discussion with the legally married partner is required and yet it's such a huge impact on a family.

Northernlurker · 06/02/2009 19:22

Sorrento are you sure about that - dh's GP counselled him fully as to the risks and arguements against and checked I was happy with the idea.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:28

No I think my husband is a liar of course i'm sure about that. Our baby was 6 weeks old, he booked the appointment with the GP on the Monday and was on the table 2 weeks later.
Behind my back completely, now maybe he said she's happy but nobody checked that and the GP knew we were a couple, i'd been at the surgery the week before.
Anyway that is all history and I have a big gap that I don't want to be any bigger, he's spent nearly 4 years thinking about this so certainly no pressure nowadays although of course there was at first.
My point is that my DH and I will be sound financially again even if today things are a bit ropey, same with the OP but in my case I may not get another chance to have a child and certainly do not want anymore than 6 year gap so we have to live for today.
I've spent most of my life planning for tomorrow and in all honesty it's got me nowhere. If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans !

Northernlurker · 06/02/2009 19:34

Sorry Sorrento but you're telling us your dh went behind your back to do this but despite that deception you believe him when he says he wasn't counselled as to the risks and consequences? Ok then. I've just worked in the NHS for years - what would I know about informed consent for surgical procedures?

I do hope things work out for you though.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 19:36

Sorrento, it is a complete bugger that he did this behind your back. But he did it. I agree with NorthernLurker that you shouldn't expect the NHS to sort it out though. Life is a bitch. We don't all get what WE want. Trouble is, these days we kind of expect it, and feel miserable if we don't.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:37

I wasn't asked, so if that is required, the GP had my number so a quick phone call could have saved a lot of upset and cost.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 19:42

Why was he so quick to do it though. Did he genuinely want no more kids? Has he honestly changed his mind? Or is he doing it for you?

Northernlurker · 06/02/2009 19:42

Actually a quick phone call would have been a horrendous breach of your husband's confidentiality if he didn't consent to it first. What should have happened is that your GP should have checked that your husband understood it was a an irreversible procedure with potential side effects that both parties should be aware of. Perhaps I wasn't clear - when I said 'checked' I meant 'checked' with dh - who told him about my 3 episiotomys and pph in mindblowing detail! I have worked with consultants who ask to see both partners though - that is very much at their discretion.

MarlaSinger · 06/02/2009 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:48

Right well fair enough, we got a consultant who didn't check with me, I think they should as obviously I would.

In all honesty I'd have left him if he hadn't agreed to IVF for no other reason than I should have been consultant on such a major decision and since we can't have half a baby somebody had to back down.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 19:49

Sorrento, just read through the thread again. You are happy to leave bill's unpaid to pay for IVF? Your dh is only agreeing to this under pressure? As somone said earlier - you are barking!

Original poster
broody4baby · 06/02/2009 19:54

Can I just say again that the real issue is the UNKNOWN. Everything is rosy for the next 7 months as there is plenty of money in the bussiness, after that its all gone.......hopefully he will be back to work by then and we will be fine. BUT who knows if anyone will have a job in 7 months time? Can everyone put their life on hold until this country picks up? No, thats mad isn't it?

DH really wants DC 2 but is very very worried. This time last year we just would have got on with it.......

OP posts:
sorrento · 06/02/2009 19:55

Well he's had 4 years to think about it or divorce me so i think he knows what he's doing

Lulumama · 06/02/2009 19:57

sorrento, i think emotionally, it would be v v damaging for him/her to eventually find out that he/she was only wanted by his/her mother

how can you say, in all good conscience, you would have left him if he had not agreed? surely you love him for soemthijng other than his sperm?

bizarre thinking

to the OP

give it 6 months and re-evaluate.. get through teh next few months, save some more money and see how things stand. you have not even reached the terrible twos yet!!

sorrento · 06/02/2009 20:01

I would have left him because of the deceit nothing to do with his sperm, he admits he was wrong to do what he did and is putting the matter right, thousands of children aren't planned at all or are planned by the mother alone, DH is one of them lol doesn't mean they are any less loved when they arrive.

Lulumama · 06/02/2009 20:03

seems to me he took a big step in doing this.. for whatever reason.. have you asked why he felt so strongly about not having more children

what will you do if teh IVF does not work, and let's face it , it is more likely not to work?

sorrento · 06/02/2009 20:07

We had three very close together and he burnt out, plus we were worried about his mother's health at the time.

IVF will work because we do not have fertility problems we have a problem putting 1 + 1 togther, but I am aware that if this fails then that is the end of the road and i'll have to live with that.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 20:56

You can't guarantee that it WILL work though. You have 3 dcs. It is really worth all this stress and expense?

sorrento · 06/02/2009 21:02

Obviously I think so otherwise I wouldn't be going a head would I.
What some people don't understand is that having one child or 5 already doesn't remove the desire to have another, if only it were that simple.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 21:06

i know it's not simple. As i said before, I would LOVE another one. Trouble is, it is not practical. So that is that. You have 3 already. Maybe that is why I am not very sympathetic and for that i am sorry.

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