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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a second baby at now

122 replies

broody4baby · 05/02/2009 21:35

My DC is 15 months. I am loving being a mummy.

DH is in the building trade, work looking grim but got money in the business to get by as normal for the next 7 months. After that we would really really struggle, BUT DH thinks the trade will pick up by then.

I really want to try for DC2. Others in my baby group are getting pregnant and I want to be too!

DH thinks its totally maddness and far to risky. AIBU to think things will be ok?

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 06/02/2009 21:10

"My husband had a vasectomy in 2004 and I have been desperate for another baby ever since, I've nagged, cried, kicked his tyres had a full on screaming fit in Tesco's and now finally got him to agree to trying IVF and what happens, he looses his job..."

That is just appalling. I just don't fathom how some people can have another child without the means in this kind of situation because of strong instincts to breed or whatever.

We are evolved you know. We have the power of reason.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 21:11

Well you are prepared to be practical and will miss out I'm afraid.
As I said before I have planned all my life bought a house at 19 when my friends were partying, put effort into my studies and career when my friends were travelling around the world and I am not particularly better off financially as a result but I can never reclaim those years/memories.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 21:12

I'll post the photo's crushed, can't wait

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 21:42

Sorry but I'm not missing out on anything. I am realistic! I enjoyed my twenties and waited til I was settled and in a reasonable positon before i had a child. We have a nice house and don't have to panic about not paying the gas bill amd at the mo can afford a holiday each year.

I am fortunate and i really appreciate it. Having another baby would really upset the balance however, so there you go. I'm sure I will always be a bit sad about not having another one, but on the other hand, we have a nice life and I already am stacked up with happy memories and photos.

sorrento · 06/02/2009 21:45

Well you enjoy your gas bill and I'll enjoy my baby

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 06/02/2009 21:49

Sorry but in my world you HAVE to pay the gas bill. Otherwise you find that you and the babies get a bit cold.

queenofbeas · 06/02/2009 22:56

I agree that in years to come you won't look back and think that you should'nt have had another but you may regret not going for it.
Go for it!

Northernlurker · 06/02/2009 23:19

Sorrento - tbh I'm a bit worried about your situation. Your dh lied to you and made a decision in which you had no part. You seem ok with that as long as he atones for it by agreeing to have another baby. You are planning to conceive that baby by IVF - an expensive and invasive procedure with a very low success rate and then you talk about that possible baby as if it is a definate fact - in your post of 21.45. I'm sorry but I think you could be riding for a fall here and you owe it yourself to think about what you are going to do if the IVF doesn't work.

ChippingIn · 06/02/2009 23:24

portofino - one could also argue you don't actually want another child that much if you'd rather have a holiday each year.

sorrento - so pleased you are 'going for it', it's lucky DH still has the required equipment after that little stunt! I'm glad you aren't taking some of these posts to heart, only you know how you & your DH feel now about another child.

broody4baby - as we said last night, one more isn't going to make very much difference to your financial situation at all - screwed with 1 or screwed with 2, is still screwed... it's not like by not having DC2 you'd save yourself being 'screwed'. There are many great reasons for DC2 and no againsts as far as I can see...

sorrento · 06/02/2009 23:49

Northern, how exactly do you do that then ? Of course i'll be utterly devastated if the IVF doesn't work.
I do have to say that the consultant really does not think there is any more possibility of that than if I'd conceived naturally, got beyond the three day mark and then miscarried, which to my knowledge I never had, so he feels we have an excellent chance of success. He advised us not to entertain putting 2 embryo's in on that basis.
So what would you suggest I don't try "in case" it fails, that would be far far worse.
Too be fair DH didn't lie, he just didn't tell me, which is as bad in my books but what's done is done.
It's like if somebody has an affair and then confess'/gets caught out and the wife agree's to forgive if he ends it, is that wrong too ?
I don't know. I don't claim to have all the answers but in my little world this is working for us right now.
I am not on welfare and nor will we ever be so I'm not asking for anyones approval either.

newpup · 07/02/2009 08:28

Sorrento,As I said before - selfish and irresponsible ( I'll add to that that you are in possession of a varied vocabulary)

Actually, totally selfish, irresponsible, aggressive and rude.

Hope that your parenting skills are more successful than your communication skills.

sorrento · 07/02/2009 08:44

As I said before .... Fuck off

Gavlaar · 07/02/2009 09:25

going off what you've said in your posts here sorrento, i give your marriage 2 years tops. seriously you have issues and i feel sorry for you

sorrento · 07/02/2009 09:30

2 years lol
Well that's more than I expected it to last 4 years ago, so who knows eh ?
As for issues, yeah we've all got them hun and yours is trying to make your own life look/feel better by slagging people off on internet forums v's my wanting a 4th baby

queenofbeas · 07/02/2009 09:32

Sorrento - Sorry you are getting a hard time on here. The urge to have a baby can be a very strong one. Good Luck.

Gavlaar · 07/02/2009 09:33

yes that's exactly right sorrento

LucyEllensmummy · 07/02/2009 09:37

just read the OP and i want to say PLEASE DON'T do it. If you have not suffered financial hardship you have NO IDEA how it can poison your relationship. Having another baby will be just a further pressure on your DH who is already the sole provider financially for the family. I speak from bitter experience and just coming out of a VERY rough time in our relationship. ALL caused through lack of money and me being a SAHM. Listen to your DH when he says it might be too much at this time - there are going to be a lot of casualties of the recession in the building trade - can you guess what my DP does? The pressure on him since there has only been his income has almost broken him. Things are picking up now for us, but i will have to get a job soon when DD starts school. Being a SAHM will not be an option - so you have to ask yourself this - if you have another child, are you prepared to go out to work and use childcare - if you feel comfortable with that, then the decision is easier but from what you say you are a SAHM?

I understand the broodiness, i still get broody around pregnant people, but getting pregnant just because of this is NOT the right thing to do.

Sorry if this seems blunt, but i think barraging your partner into having a child before he is ready is wrong and potentially very damaging.

CrushWithEyeliner · 07/02/2009 09:42

My BIL ex wife came off the pill during a time he said he really wasn't financially or emotionally ready for another. He stayed 7 years after the child was born, she became a SAHM and ran up huge debts and enrolled them in private school. He just couldn't put his foot down. They were 70K in debt when he divorced and the children are quite damaged from the fallout. He said he never really bonded with the 2nd child he never wanted.

Miyazaki · 07/02/2009 09:44

Good post LEM. Being broody = your hormones doing what they are supposed to do. Deliberately making a baby = making a huge decision that impacts on everybody who is already in the family, including children that are already there. And to do that to their detriment (financially, security) is just a bit bonkers imo.

LucyEllensmummy · 07/02/2009 09:46

I'm with newpup - you can tell me to fuck off if you like. If my DP had a vasectomy behind my back, he would be my exDP very quickly. Yes people change their minds and your financial set up seems ok - but the advice on here to the OP falls only slightly short of telling her to flush her contraceptive pills down the toilet!! It is not her absolute given right to have a child if her partner doesn't feel ready.Don't sit there and say that you will never rely on benefits, because you just don't KNOW that.

CAN you imagine the uproar if a man was forcing a woman into this situation.

WE love our DD, she is our reason for living and we are so glad we have her, but we also know that because we had a second child (albeit with a big gap) we are in the financial mire.

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 09:47

the urge to have a baby is v v v strong, i have experienced it too

BUT i don;t thikn it is the right thing to ignore real and serious issues such as : husband's deceit, financial insecurity and other major issues

it is all very well in theory, but what happens when the baby arrives, your house is being repossessed and your H is utterly depressed and unable to work for example....?

the reality is havinga baby is a massive upheaavl, whether it is your 1st or 4th

what if your baby was , god forbid, born very prematurely and was terribly ill?

and you ahve that strain on top of no money?

i think part of being a repsonsible parent is not just 'going for it; because you want to

but thinking aboyut the ftureu and the consequences

MarlaSinger · 07/02/2009 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 10:09

The thing is Sorrento you need a plan for if the IVF doesn't work. How will you feel about dh then? Because if you haven't worked through your anger properly it WILL resurface and destroy things. I really hope it works and everythings fine - jobs, babies, marriage - everythings ok - but you need to build on rock and I think you're working on shifting sands righht now. I'm certainly not suggesting you shouldn't use IVF - though your timing in financial terms does concern me a bit - but don't assume thats your absolute answer because it may not be.

Original poster
broody4baby · 07/02/2009 10:22

LucyEllensmummy - I do work in a very secure job (teach 3 days a week).

Sorry to also sound blunt but why didn't YOU get a job if DH was so under pressure and couldn't work? Building industry is very good at times but also bloody terrible at times hence I never gave up my job to be a SAHM. I see it as a team effort.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 07/02/2009 10:28

But broody - how secure your job is doesn't hugely help here does it - if you have another baby - you will be on maternity pay and then have to pay two lots of childcare. That will eat up your part-time salary.

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