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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that some of DSs classmates mums have told their DCs not to play with him....

104 replies

CrappyMammy · 05/02/2009 17:38

DS (age7) is a real handful and have always been a real PITAchallenging. Since he started school he has been involved in pushing and hitting other kids (not the only one I might add). Anyway he did not want to give out some of his birthday invites and when I asked him why, he said because a few of his 'friends' have told him that their mums have said that they should stay away from him because he hurts them. I have not been aware of this although his teacher has told me on a few occasions that he has been involved in fighting (he does come home sometimes with bruises and scratchmarks so it's not all one sided).

IMO if he is attacking other kids, I would prefer the parents to tell me (or the teacher)so he is not ostracised . None of the other parents speak to me at the school and I am sure it is because of his 'bad rep'. It is very hard trying to deal with his behaviour. He says he is 'just playing' and does crazy things to make the other kids laugh and his rough and tumble is interpreted as nastiness. Am really at a loss of what to do!!

OP posts:

twocutedarlings · 05/02/2009 17:51

You are not being unreasonable, to be upset by this, however i personally would be having a good chat with your DSs teacher as to what is being done to help you son to socialize in a more appropriate manner. You need to work on this together as it is obviously upsetting him .

tiredsville · 05/02/2009 17:54

If it was my DS, alarm bells would be ringing and my first reaction would be to have a seriously long chat, encouraging him to cool his behaviour. Pinning the blame on the parents and teachers is unnecessary, YOUR DS has alerted you to what is going on, now YOU should do something to help him change the situation around.

TheFallenMadonna · 05/02/2009 17:55

Well, TBH when a boy in dd's class kept hitting her I told her to steer clear too. Because he was hurting her. It wasn't meant unkindly, just to keep my dd from getting upset. However, I also know that the school are working hard to help him 'play nicely' - adn I know that because I do still talk to his mum.

Minxie1977 · 05/02/2009 17:58

If he came home saying someone was hurting him would you tell him to keep away from them? Maybe the teacher is not aware that the parents are telling their children to keep away from him. Also if you think he's a PITA maybe some others do too

Reading that back I hope it doesn't sound harsh. I do think it's unfair on you DS and I'm sure it's not one sided

Original poster

CrappyMammy · 05/02/2009 17:59

Tiredsville - I am not putting any blame on the parents and teachers - just think they could tell me . We have lots of seriously long chats about it but I can talk all I like at home - when he gets to school - he seems to forget about them!!

OP posts:

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 05/02/2009 18:03

If your child "is attacking other kids" during school hours then it is up to the teacher to handle it and not up to the parents to be notifying you outside the school gates.

I would tell my DCs to steer clear but normally they inform me of who they avoid and why they are avoiding that child.

Your teacher should be able to advise you on the best way of dealing with this. Is there someone the teacher could pair your DS up with to act as mentor (a buddy scheme perhaps)?

hayley2u · 05/02/2009 18:04

ar how horrible must have broken your heart. maybe speak to your son and tell; him, when we are nasty to people they dont want to be our friends so if he is nice they will . still invite all his class and maybe speak to their parents, if they unsure they can um along x

TheFallenMadonna · 05/02/2009 18:05

But it would be a really uncomfortable conversation wouldn't it? Especially with someone you're not friendly with. I didn't talk about it to the boy's mum - I did talk to the teacher though. When the teacher has talked to you about the fighting, what has been outcome?

queenofbeas · 05/02/2009 18:08

YANBU to be upset but I would tell my DC to stay away from someone who was hurting them too. I would approach the teacher to discuss this situtaion and try and resolve for everyone's sake.

Divineintervention · 05/02/2009 18:09

You need to get to the bottom of this fast, I would be if the school hadn't let me know too. I would feel let down that they're not looking after his wellbeing.

MarmadukeScarlet · 05/02/2009 18:16

I think you need to speak to the teacher, perhaps she may suggest some social stories that will help your DS see that if he plays in a more appropriate manner he will have more friends.

The more children back away the more frustrated he may get and lash out more, so this will not get better without adult intervention.

He is old enough to understand boundaries and the correct way to play, unless he has immature social skills or social skills porblems. This must be addressed in a positive, not punitive, way. (shown how to behave well and praised for doing so, not punished)

cory · 06/02/2009 08:16

Afraid if my child came home and told me someone was hurting on a regular basis, the last thing I would want to do would be to confront the parent at the school gate, and this is also what I would tell Mumsnetters to avoid at all cost. There is far too much risk of a situation like this escalating: it is very difficult to keep calm when you feel protective of your child.

I would tell the teacher, though. And the teacher ought to tell the parent concerned. But in the meantime I would certainly tell dc to steer well clear of this child. If you call this ostracising, then you are putting the burden on the victim. The truth is, everybody has a right not to be hurt and not to live in fear of being hurt.

Remember that what seems like innocent tumble to your son may be a nightmare to another child. My ds was in this situation a few years ago, getting too frightened to go to school; yet I don't think the other child intended to hurt or frighten him that much. The situation resolved itself when the school implemented a very tough scheme of automatic lunchtime detention for hitting/pushing etc. Ds started looking confident in the mornings again and not minding school.

Speak to the teacher, but in a non-confrontational way, looking for solutions.

cory · 06/02/2009 08:26

Not saying that ds's school normally has a punitive approach; they're actually very nice. But also very firm when it comes to any kind of aggression or bullying. I think it helps all children, including the ones with anger problems or slow-developing social skills, to know exactly what is off-limits. They do also have things like counselling for children with problems. Speak to the teacher and try to get to the root of the problem to see how much help your ds needs.

Nighbynight · 06/02/2009 08:39

I once talked to the mother of a boy who was bullying dd. She thanked me for speaking to her, rather than making a complaint at the school. dd never had a problem again.

I'd prefer that someone would speak to me, as well. You dont have to be accusatory. If the parents are nice, you might get good results, and if they're not, you can still complain at the school. The important thing is just to leave if they don't take it well, and not get sucked into a scene.
I think it's an english cultural thing, not to want to talk directly to the parents?

fryalot · 06/02/2009 08:43

A boy at dd1's school was bullying her and I spoke to his mum. The mum was lovely and we thought I had sorted it out between us.

Then the school called me in and basically gave me a bollocking for going straight to the other mum. Their argument was that if it happens in school, it is a school matter and must be dealt with by them.

Apparently the other mum was upset that the school hadn't contacted her so had spoken to them to get their side and they knew nothing about it because I hadn't told them my concerns, I had gone straight to her.

With my experience, I would always go to the school and let them try to sort it out first, before approaching another mum.

fryalot · 06/02/2009 08:43

sorry, not "we though I" but "I thought we had sorted it out"

edam · 06/02/2009 08:46

You really need to talk to the teacher. It's wrong that you are finding out about this from ds/other parents - school should be taking action to help him develop his social skills.

Nighbynight · 06/02/2009 08:49

but squonk, why did you accept the school's point of view as being the correct one? they should have spotted teh bullying to start with. If they didn't then you are at liberty to deal with it how you like.

madwomanintheattic · 06/02/2009 08:59

nbn, don't be daft - 'you are at liberty to deal with it how you like'! of course you are, but sometimes it does make matters worse. and it's common courtesy to inform the school of an important matter that appears to have passed them by, and aks their opinion on the best way for you to help resolve it. as the OP said - she's talked to her ds a lot at home, but when he gets to school it all leaks out of his ears. how exactly is her dealing with it helping in this case?

RedtartanLass · 06/02/2009 09:04

Oh crappymummy your heart must be breaking how awful for you both. I was once in a similar position but it turned out it was all blown out of proportion and the school was already on the case! What I'm trying to say is talk to the school immediately, it may they are trying to working on these problems already.

As for the other parents not talkng to you, how about just smiling and saying hi, or have you tried that already? I feel for you I really do, good luck.

Nighbynight · 06/02/2009 09:06

madwoman, dont be daft!
maybe she hasn't tried the most effective way of dealing with it yet?

madwomanintheattic · 06/02/2009 09:25

obviously, lol.

madwomanintheattic · 06/02/2009 09:29

i'm actually a real advocate for the parent of the child with a problem (be it social skills or whatever) approaching both the school and other parents. but you have to do it using the school as the most appropriate forum. so you speak to the school, saying'little johnny appears to be having a problem and hurting other children, can you tell me how you are dealing with it, so that both he and his peers are receiving effective advice/ supervision' , and if school shrug their shoulders, you go to the parents of the victims and say 'i'm so sorry, i'm johnny's mum. we've been trying very hard to deal with johnny's inappropriate behaviour and we are not getting any support from the school. i wonder if i could ask you to help us by speaking to the school and explaining the problems that johnny is causing to your child. it would help us a great deal if the school had your opinion on this matter' unless the school are involved it just isn't the appropriate way to deal with school-based issues, sorry.
little johnny just isn't going to get the support he needs to modify his behaviour at school, if school aren't involved.

Nighbynight · 06/02/2009 09:30

there are other effective ways apart from tallking to teh school.

I think this reluctance to speak to other parents is a reflection of the lack of community in britain. my next door neighbour is a parent in my ds's class, as is another mother across the way from us.
The idea that if our chidlren had a problem, that we should kick off dealing with it by making a complaint to the school, is just ludicrous.
Of course we would speak to each other!

fryalot · 06/02/2009 09:32

nighbynight - I didn't tell the school that my child was being bullied, I thought it best to have a word with the kid's mother as we were acquaintance-friendly.

The school could not possibly have dealt with it because they didn't know there was an issue.

I should have given the school a chance to sort things out before wading in with my big feet and making a mess of things.

Of course had I been unhappy with the way they dealt with it, I would have had no qualms whatsoever in taking matters into my own hands.

But that shouldn't have been my first option, no.

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