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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel very irritated by pressure from children/mums at the the 3 o'clock school run?

94 replies

onthepier · 03/02/2009 10:58

Basically I work four days a week, just getting home before I need to leave to pick my dc's up from school. My two are very sociable + I appreciate that they love to see their friends after school, so they're always allowed a friend back each once or twice a week + they each do an after school club (but not on the same day)!

The few afternoons a week we haven't got plans for, I must admit I relish. I can take them home, get homework out of the way early, play with them a bit + try to have dinner eaten + cleared up fairly early so I can also get some things done.

We often walk home with two other families as we all go the same way, but I'm finding their children pester almost every evening, "Can we go to ONTHEPIER'S house?", or "Can they come back to ours/come to the park etc with us?" My children look very eager + then pester, the other mum just says, "Let's see, it's up to ONTHEPIER". I nearly always end up feeling pressured into saying yes, recently I said no, saying we had things to do + all four children, (mine + the other mum's), were in tears!!

My dc's know I work, + know not to pester to do things after school unless it's been pre-arranged, but these mums don't work + seem to say yes to their dc's every single afternoon if they want friends over or want to visit somebody.

The thing is they come to my house + the place by 6 pm looks like a bomb's hit it, toys out everywhere! My youngest still doesn't like visiting people's houses without me being there, so whichever way we do it I'm finding almost every afternoon between 3.30 + 6/6.30 is taken up which I could really do without!

I find the mums look quizzically at me if I say I'm busy, + then make suggestions, "We could always give you half an hour + then pop over", or "If you've got things to do why don't I take your dc's back to mine, then you come in an hour or so for coffee?"

Does anybody else find it hard to make clear that once in a while you'd like the remainder of the afternoon/evening just by yourselves?!

OP posts:
basementbear · 03/02/2009 11:08

I think you just have to be honest and tell the other mums that you have decided to limit your DCs to one/two activities a week - tell them that it's because otherwise they get tired/don't get their homework done if you like. Once your DCs know what the routine is they will accept it.

It really doesn't matter what the other mums think - you need to do what suits you to keep the balance in your home.

My DS2 started reception recently, and quite a few of the other mums I have been chatting to have all decided to cut back a bit on the endless "playdates"/activities - especially if they have more than one child. The relief is enormous!!

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 11:10

I do see your point, but....my DS and his friends will often come out desperate to go to each other's houses and it saddens me that mostly the parents just say no, because it's nice that they are finding their own little friendships at school and want to play with eachother. DS is always so cast down when the mums say no.

Why not just make it less of an issue by taking control more? It doesn't have to be till 6pm - just say yes, they can come round for an hour!

When DS has had people round it's no trouble and they entertain themselves beautifully so I've got on and put the dinner on etc.

Also you can take control of the mess issue; just say to your kids yes you can have so and so for an hour but the deal is you tidy up big time when they go....

I just think you have more control here to make things fit with you more. Doesn't have to be 3.30 - 6.30 IMHO.

GrapefruitMoon · 03/02/2009 11:10

I can see you pov but on the other hand it is lovely that your children get invited/have friends who want to visit. There are so many sad threads about children who never get invited anywhere or find it hard to make friends....

Having said that, I think doing "playdates" once or twice a week is plenty. Though going to the park for 30 minutes or so after school is good exercise and wouldn't eat into your time too much? If you want to keep some evenings completely free, YANBU and should stick to your guns. I always pre-arrange playdates - prefer to make sure I have food in, etc - but that is the norm around here rather than spontaneous invites.

juuule · 03/02/2009 11:10

You'll just have to develop a thicker skin

Allow children home for tea etc when you want. It's not obligatory and try not to feel pressured. I always told my children that there were no spur-of-the-moment put-on-the-spot agreements to school friends home for tea. It had to be arranged in advance. Gave me time to get used to the idea and prepare.

philopastry · 03/02/2009 11:11

I don't have this problem but it would drive me round the twist. If the DC's don't know better (and lets face it a lot of them don't) then their mums certainly should. Haven't they got any mannners?!

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 11:12

I feel your pain I really do. I am very strict I make it clear to ds and to everyone else that we only have one playdate per week and I don't budge on that.

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 11:14

I just think there should be room for a little spontaneity! I don't always want everything arranged in advance. It's not a visit from the queen, only a little kid or two!

FriarKewcumber · 03/02/2009 11:14

have a rule - say MOndays and Weds are for family and no amount of begging will change that, then stick to it. Then allow friedns the other days...

PlumBumMum · 03/02/2009 11:16

I just say no not today we will arrange a day for next week okay with a big smile

clutteredup · 03/02/2009 11:20

You shouldn't feel pressued - you need to make your boudaries clear to your DC and then stick to them - you can always be honest and say I'd like some time alone with my DC today - we're goibg to have fun doing stuff together - I'm sure they'll understand - the offer of having your DC while you get your jobs done though is a nice one you should take that up .

Gorionine · 03/02/2009 11:23

Yanbu

Leo9, You are right it is nice for the children every now and again, but sometimes, if you have to say yes to everybody you simply do not see your dcs, or just for tea/bath/bedtime.

I love the fact that my children are popular, but I like their company too. Going to/having a friend home once or twice a week is reasonnable, although if it was entirely up to the DCs it woulds be every night probably1

ContainsMildPeril · 03/02/2009 11:24

I feel your pain - i just started This thread.

Our village had this sort of mentality too - and sometimes i just want to chill with my two.

Tigerschick · 03/02/2009 11:26

I agree with Leo9. There is no reason why you shouldn't say "Yes, but only for an hour" then stick to it. That way, they get to play but it doesn't take up the whole evening.

I also think that the offer of having the kids so you can do jobs is a great one. If your youngest isn't happy to go without you then can you not take them home and let the others go? S/he might realise that it's not so bad going without you after all - lesser of 2 evils iykwim.

I agree that you shouldn't feel under pressure to agree to things but there are ways to compromise (IMVHO - DD is not quite 3 so I have no idea how I'd react in your shoes )

UnquietDad · 03/02/2009 11:31

Same problem here - I collect from school 3 days a week but am still working afterwards. Some parents just don't get it.

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 11:34

I do find it sad that people are saying no - if you're not doing anything special at home and could say yes. Obviously I do understand you wouldn't want it every night, of course I do, but I have found that with every time DS or his friends have asked, it's ALWAYS been no unless it's prearranged and I just think that's sad and unecessary. He's now three years into school and not ONE mum has ever said Yes spontaneously, either for DS to go there or to allow their DC to come here.

I just remember lovely evenings playing with my BFs from school - and that WAS every night! though much more informal, we would meet in the street or call for each other to come out

ooh, it's a lost world.....

VoluptuaGoodshag · 03/02/2009 11:36

I don't work and totally agree with you. By the time we get back from school (it's a long walk), the kids are knackered and it's usually about 4pm. By the time I've cleared away the shoes/coats/made a snack etc, I'm then starting to think about dinner.

My two usually do have a friend to play or are at a friends once a week but I love it when there is nothing else on. They don't even have any after school activities yet coz I'm not prepared to put up with the fall-out of my over-tired kids who kick up a fuss when it's time to go home.

BananaSkin · 03/02/2009 11:38

Agree with other suggestions - put 2 or 3 days a week aside just for you.

Could you have a big get together once a week and get everyone out of the way at once? I find lots of children don't make much more mess (if any) than just one visitor?

Try putting them off by saying that you're buying nice biscuits tomorrow and would they like to come then.

Or - just tell the non-working parents straight. Sometimes we SAHMs forget what the world of work is like and forget the pressures that other people find themselves under (I'm going to be flamed by SAHMs now, aren't I?!).

frumpygrumpy · 03/02/2009 11:43

Haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to throw this in........

I can't stand having stuff on after school, there is already so much to do with homework, dinner, baths, stories. I love getting my jamas on and just having family time before bed. I make it clear to my kids (and to others if they ask) that I'd love to have them over soon but that "it won't work tonight". I try to repeat to other mums that I tend not to have kids over after school so that its not expected. Then I let them see that one day a week is fine (weekends sometimes easiest) but thats it.

You are working! The time in your home is precious, don't share it because it suits other mums/children!!! It must suit you.

frumpygrumpy · 03/02/2009 11:45

And I'm a SAHM who doesn't have much time in her house either! I won't flame The more time you have, the more you fill. There's no right or wrong here.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/02/2009 11:45

know what you mean

i have a mum at school who always wants to play afterwards

i had to be blunt and say that my guys were getting tired and was too much to do every night, but arranged for a play date the following week

in the summer,we go pop to the local park,but stay 30mins so we are home for tea.reading, spellings etc

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 11:50

Leo9 - Some people like warning, just because you prefer spontaneity doesn't make it compulsory. I could say yes to loads of things but why should i, children have to know that the world doesn't revolve round them and sometimes mums feelings count too.

I'm not keen on playdates i hate the responsibility. I don't want my kids going to someone's house i don't know either.

That doesn't mean they never have them either. Although ATM they are impossible as i have to collect DP from work.

My DCs are not too bothered as they all have out of school activities which they chose and keep them busy.

I don't see how being a SAHM has anything to do with it as working or not we are all not seeing DCs while they are at school, so are in the same boat after school.

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 11:54

alwight, alwight tomarto, no need to get bolshy.

I just think that there's a balance to be struck here. As i said, in three YEARS of school not one mum has said "you know what, yes, why not come back for a quick play?" and I just think that's bizarre; it doesn't mean I think that everyone should always be spontaneous

troutpout · 03/02/2009 11:56

lol yanbu (i hope)
i don't work and i'm feel like that most of the time
we have someone around for tea and play about once every 3 weeks
i do get kids pestering to come around...but i put them off.

CarryOnUpTheLiffey · 03/02/2009 11:56

I completely agree wtih tamarto. i don't work and i'm not keen on playdates. I wriggle out of them wherever possible.

morningpaper · 03/02/2009 11:57

YANBU AT ALL

I ALWAYS say no these days

I can handle it in the summer - they just play in the garden - but in the winter I can't bear the chaos, it stresses me out