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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel very irritated by pressure from children/mums at the the 3 o'clock school run?

94 replies

onthepier · 03/02/2009 10:58

Basically I work four days a week, just getting home before I need to leave to pick my dc's up from school. My two are very sociable + I appreciate that they love to see their friends after school, so they're always allowed a friend back each once or twice a week + they each do an after school club (but not on the same day)!

The few afternoons a week we haven't got plans for, I must admit I relish. I can take them home, get homework out of the way early, play with them a bit + try to have dinner eaten + cleared up fairly early so I can also get some things done.

We often walk home with two other families as we all go the same way, but I'm finding their children pester almost every evening, "Can we go to ONTHEPIER'S house?", or "Can they come back to ours/come to the park etc with us?" My children look very eager + then pester, the other mum just says, "Let's see, it's up to ONTHEPIER". I nearly always end up feeling pressured into saying yes, recently I said no, saying we had things to do + all four children, (mine + the other mum's), were in tears!!

My dc's know I work, + know not to pester to do things after school unless it's been pre-arranged, but these mums don't work + seem to say yes to their dc's every single afternoon if they want friends over or want to visit somebody.

The thing is they come to my house + the place by 6 pm looks like a bomb's hit it, toys out everywhere! My youngest still doesn't like visiting people's houses without me being there, so whichever way we do it I'm finding almost every afternoon between 3.30 + 6/6.30 is taken up which I could really do without!

I find the mums look quizzically at me if I say I'm busy, + then make suggestions, "We could always give you half an hour + then pop over", or "If you've got things to do why don't I take your dc's back to mine, then you come in an hour or so for coffee?"

Does anybody else find it hard to make clear that once in a while you'd like the remainder of the afternoon/evening just by yourselves?!

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 03/02/2009 11:57

I like to leave every afternoon at pick up time free ie to have got all my jobs out of the way while DD is at school so that we can be spontaneous about whether we go to the park/invite a friend back/go to a friend's house/go out for hot chocolate etc.

But I have arranged my life so that it will be that way. I quite understand that other people's lives are busier/less flexible and I don't mind if they tell me upfront. That's OK. So I think you need to be very clear with your DCs and the other mothers.

Don't, whatever you do, be too organised ("Mondays are family" etc whatever happens) because your child won't be able to do nice spontaneous things.

amess · 03/02/2009 11:58

playdates! I do understand how it is for those who work. Myself - I have friends over for my kids but mums who do work I am friends with enough to make it clear from the outset that I don't expect playdates to take turns. It took some getting used to but we find it works really well as the obligation is not a restriction or hinderance for us or our kids. The children are happy and us mums are relaxed about it. It has actually strengthened our own adult friendships and some of those mums have been able to help me out when it's really counted.
Treasure your time with your kids don't feel obligated any mum worth her salt will fully understand and think you are great!

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 11:59

i have to say I do think if it's a big play'date' including dinner, to 6pm or something, that is a different thing to a quick play after school. I wouldn't offer that every night! But equally I do think it's possible to say "yep, pick him up at 4.30 please" !! makes it all less of a thing.

Gorionine · 03/02/2009 12:00

Tamarto, I was about to write exactly the same argument about SAHM.

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 12:00

Leo9 - Sorry that post sounded harsher than i meant it.

I don't think there needs to be a balance though. I'm not going to change my thinking to keep a random mum at school happy. Her children are her responsibility not mine, i do what suits us as a family.

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 12:01

"Her children are her responsibility not mine"
WTF did that come from

Lemontart · 03/02/2009 12:05

I know exactly how you feel too. Playdates are the bane of my life. I know they are important and try to make sure they have a friend back once a week at some point , but it still stresses me out.
We have a home office too so that adds a little complexity to it all. How can you have other people?s kids back but expect them not to rush around the house playing noisily? Yet almost impossible to balance if DH is on the phone to an important client in the US.. My kids are used to it and will happily go do some art stuff/play outside, or just play quietly for a bit until he is off the phone but hard to do when they have friends over. Aaaargh!

morningpaper · 03/02/2009 12:07

I also have a toddler, and normally the school-child + toddler will go off and play nicely together - but with playdates, I am left to entertain the toddler! ARGH!!!!!

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 12:09

ok tomarto but IMO this is not about 'keeping some random mum happy'....

I mean it is not the joy of my life to have kids round, or take ds to kid's houses; it's to support their burgeoning friendships not to keep me happy! I like to do it because it supports ds, not for my sake!

redskyatnight · 03/02/2009 12:13

It makes a difference if you are a SAHM because ... you can get tea prepared during the day, leave the house tidy, have 10 minutes to sit down and have a cup of tea. so you are more relaxed to say "yes" to children coming round spontaneously.

If you've literally just come from work, you have to fit making tea and other jobs into a limited afternoon/evening time. Plus you're more likely to be rushed and flustered and in need of a sit down and not to want the afternoon taken over by extra children running screaming round the house (or is that just my children's friends?).

My children's friends ask every day too. I smile sweetly and set a playdate for some time next week. We used to do pop in for an hour but discovered that just as much destruction could be wreaked in that time.

Northernlurker · 03/02/2009 12:14

I just say no. My time is too precious to spend doing things I don't want to do. If I can say yes then I do but if I can't I just say no. Generally I think mums who work outside the home have to embrace saying no!

Merrylegs · 03/02/2009 12:18

When you've been at work all day you probably want to get home and chill out.

After a day at school, chilling out for kids often means playing properly with the friends they didn't have long to play with at school.

I am useless at letting my DD have friends round because there always seems to be something else going on. But when I let loose and she does, it is fab and she has such a lovely time. More often than not I say 'not tonight but what about tomorrow?' That way I am prepared, she is happy and the kids have something to look forward to.

If someone has offered to take your kids after school, say yes. But when you pick them up, don't stay for a coffee. Say thank you, grab them and run.

What I absolutely hate is when you see the other kids wheedling to go round your house and you are hesitating and their mum says weakly 'oh well, it's not up to me, it's up to Merrylegs.'

NO actually, don't leave me to be the bad guy! These mums should either say 'Why doesn't Merrylegs-junior come to us tonight?"

Or arrange another day. Or back me up if I say no?

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 12:20

"you can get tea prepared during the day, leave the house tidy, have 10 minutes to sit down and have a cup of tea. so you are more relaxed to say "yes" to children coming round spontaneously"

So does that mean as a SAHM i should embrace playdates?

None of the above was relevant to the points being discussed. The comment was made in relation to the amount of time any mum has to spend with their DC.

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 12:22

What I absolutely hate is when you see the other kids wheedling to go round your house and you are hesitating and their mum says weakly 'oh well, it's not up to me, it's up to Merrylegs.'

NO actually, don't leave me to be the bad guy! These mums should either say 'Why doesn't Merrylegs-junior come to us tonight?"

I hate this too. Easy way for them to look good without doing anything

Guadalupe · 03/02/2009 12:26

I can't bear being put on the spot and having the children begging and you feel like the big bad wolf.

Sometimes I say one day a week for either going somewhere OR having someone over and no other day. Or, and I do this much more in the winter, I just say we're not doing stuff after school atm. We're all tired. See you in the spring. Actually, I don't say see you in the spring but you get see what I mean.

Gorionine · 03/02/2009 12:27

redskyatnight, I beg to differ as by being at home with DD4 most of the day, we make much more mess than if I was working outside and I do not have time to cook in the afternoon because I NEED to play with her!
Oh no, it is not just your DCs friends, all children (exept our own really are like that)

What Tamarto and myself were saying, I think , is when the reason you want your DCs at home is that you do want to spend time with them it is not the issue wether SAHM or WOHM as you do not spend more time with your schooldcs when SAHM because they are school in as well in the day. does that make sense at all?

Gorionine · 03/02/2009 12:28

crossposted

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 12:28

I do have time get the house tidy and prepare tea etc but I still hate play dates. I can just about bear it if the parent is not here as well but I dread it if the parent is in tow. I have one planned for later this week and the mother is actually a friend and yet I would still rather stick pins in my eyes than have other peoples children creating havoc in my house.

I can guarantee that I will find random food in the bed or worse a random poo. Toys will be broken and there will be tears over that once they have left. It will take me a week to put everything back in its rightful place and I will be grouchy a week beforehand and for a week after. Having other peoples children in my house is the absolute WORSE thing about being a parent. I know I am being unreasonable but I just dread this.

belgo · 03/02/2009 12:28

You just have to say a polite no, not today. And maybe suggest another day. I don't see why it should be a problem.

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 12:30

WORST not WORSE. Aaargh!

seeker · 03/02/2009 12:31

If you're not actually doing anything specific I can't see any reason at all for not having people back to play. How hard is it to cook double the amount of pasta?

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 12:33

Why should you have people back to play if you are not doing anything specific? Surely it is up to the individual how they spend their time?

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 12:34

I am obviously agreeing to disagree here but I do think what is so precious about everybody's time that we have to say no to kids coming for a play, when clearly most people are just munging about at home anyway

And no FWIW I am not a SAHM with acres of time to prepare I am as busy and stressed as most and more than many!

Lemontart · 03/02/2009 12:34

sometimes doing nothing specific and just chilling out in your own home with your own kids is a nicer and better option than having to suddenly entertain and supervise other kids, seeker

francagoestohollywood · 03/02/2009 12:37

I'm with Belgo. If busy or not in the mood a polite "no, today we can't lets do it another day" should be enough and not a problem.
As for me, I'm quite happy for the dc to bring their friends home. But again, I like having people around, in general.