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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel very irritated by pressure from children/mums at the the 3 o'clock school run?

94 replies

onthepier · 03/02/2009 10:58

Basically I work four days a week, just getting home before I need to leave to pick my dc's up from school. My two are very sociable + I appreciate that they love to see their friends after school, so they're always allowed a friend back each once or twice a week + they each do an after school club (but not on the same day)!

The few afternoons a week we haven't got plans for, I must admit I relish. I can take them home, get homework out of the way early, play with them a bit + try to have dinner eaten + cleared up fairly early so I can also get some things done.

We often walk home with two other families as we all go the same way, but I'm finding their children pester almost every evening, "Can we go to ONTHEPIER'S house?", or "Can they come back to ours/come to the park etc with us?" My children look very eager + then pester, the other mum just says, "Let's see, it's up to ONTHEPIER". I nearly always end up feeling pressured into saying yes, recently I said no, saying we had things to do + all four children, (mine + the other mum's), were in tears!!

My dc's know I work, + know not to pester to do things after school unless it's been pre-arranged, but these mums don't work + seem to say yes to their dc's every single afternoon if they want friends over or want to visit somebody.

The thing is they come to my house + the place by 6 pm looks like a bomb's hit it, toys out everywhere! My youngest still doesn't like visiting people's houses without me being there, so whichever way we do it I'm finding almost every afternoon between 3.30 + 6/6.30 is taken up which I could really do without!

I find the mums look quizzically at me if I say I'm busy, + then make suggestions, "We could always give you half an hour + then pop over", or "If you've got things to do why don't I take your dc's back to mine, then you come in an hour or so for coffee?"

Does anybody else find it hard to make clear that once in a while you'd like the remainder of the afternoon/evening just by yourselves?!

OP posts:
loobeylou · 03/02/2009 14:21

i would say NO because of the ammount of tidying up I would need to do BEFORE never mind AFTER the playdate

in truth with after school clubs one day and brownies/rainbows another 2, there is no time. Most week we will see ILs on a Friday evening for tea, and really we are all too tired and grumpy even for that! the weeks when clubs are cancelled are so much easier! It was a relief not having to do the brownie run (snowed off)last night with 2 younger Dc in tow

however, I can see that it is different for only children, who really enjoy having a friend to play with.

each to their own, but no one should feel pressurised into agreeing by their kids or other parents!

seeker · 03/02/2009 14:28

ah, I see the problem. Everyone has higher domestic standards than me! All is revealed!

Merrylegs · 03/02/2009 14:31

at all the unhelpful wet mothers on here!

Seeker - I think the point is, if little Seeker wanted a friend round and you just didn't feel up to making the extra beans-on-toast that day, or thought little Seeker could do with a quiet evening, you would say no, (for no reason other than you didn't feel like it) and expect Other child's mum to back you up. But sometimes other child's mother doesn't get it and seems to be of the opinion "But you're not doing anything else this evening. What's wrong with you having my little Other round? Meanie!"

If however you were happy for little-O to come round, then you would say yes and if Other mother agreed, all would be well. If other mother said no, you would say another time.

(Now. Off to school pick-up. And if little-O and mother try it on tonight I shall tell them the truth. There's only rice cakes and marmite left for tea, so you may want to un-invite yourself. P.D.Q)

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 14:31

I would be very surprised if I have higher domestic standards than you seeker .

It is broken toys and kids in my bedroom and their toddler siblings doing poo's on the landing that I draw the line at.

GooseyLoosey · 03/02/2009 14:33

Thanks troutpout - ds too has a much more popular dd and it is hard to explain to him why many nights she does not go to after-school club as her friends' parents take her home. I do actually refuse invitations in behalf of dd as I wish to mitigate the impact on ds.

I would give everything I own for a spontaneous invitation to come ds's way.

onthepier · 03/02/2009 14:33

Hi, thanks for all your posts, didn't expect so many! This thread has developed some quite interesting discussions!

I must add that I'm very happy that my children get invited out a lot, + children regularly wanting to come to us shows they're popular. I do realise that some people have the opposite problem with their dc's not having many friends to play with, + that must be hard. My dd was very shy in the first two years of school + children would say, "We like her but she's too quiet!", + it hurt me at the time that she didn't get that many invites. She's the opposite now, nearing the end of primary school though!

I've read most of your threads + have to say that if a playdate consisted of, "beans on toast for the visiting child + an hour's play", I'd be only too happy to do it more frequently, on the spur of the moment, but I'll give you an example of two weeks ago:-

In the space of an hour my dd's friend had asked her if she could "try" something on her computer game. Whatever it was she did, my dd's game wouldn't start up again + kept showing error messages, (my dd was nearly in tears).

At dinner time my ds's friend had one mouthful of food, (chicken dippers + chips, which they'd all asked for!), said it tasted "different" to his mum's + left the rest. Of course then it was constant requests for lollies, sweets, etc, let him have a few things but then said no, (as I know his mum is strict with sweets). Cue tears + tantrums, although he is only 5.

His mum picked him up as arranged, then the plan was that I walk my dd's friend home, round the corner. Anyway, she wouldn't come! Kept messing around, "deliberately" lost one of her shoes,, which I found, then she hid + I had to practically drag her out of a wardrobe! I eventually got her home half an hour later than planned, could see her mum wasn't too happy as she likes her back by a certain time.

Got home to find my dd in tears, relaying the computer problem to my dh, luckily he could fix it but blamed me for letter my dd's friend have free rein, (well I was on the phone at the time, a work call!)

By the time I'd cleared up all the toys the two 5 year olds had got out, got my dc's bathed and in bed it was really late + I felt I barely had an evening!

Of course it's not like this all the time, some of their friends behave beautifully, it's just certain ones I know I'm going to struggle with, maybe I'm just not firm enough!!

OP posts:
ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 14:37

Sounds fairly typical onthepier!

Merrylegs · 03/02/2009 14:43

(And have just seen Gooseyloosey's post which puts things into perspective. )

Oblomov · 03/02/2009 14:48

onthepier, sounds like a nightmare.
Is that what a playdate consists of these days ?

Gorionine · 03/02/2009 14:51

Onthepier I sympathise. I do not count anymore the amount of times I ask MUM before a play date :

ME :"Is there anything DC cannot or won't eat?"

MUM :"Oh no, DC eats everything"

ME : "oh great!"

we go home, they fight play with the toys teatime comes and here it goes.

"I do not like veg"
"My mum's pasta tastes better"
"My mummy lets me have toasts with Nutella just before tea!"
" what are those funny yellow things?" (sweetcorn)

all genuine comments, not all by the same child though.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 03/02/2009 16:00

Do you think kids in general behave differently these days? I know when I was a kid me and most of my peers did as we were told, especially by other parents. It wasn't a big deal to tick off another kid who wasn't your own and expect them to behave. But now it's all sodding maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddd. They dive about all over the place and it's like a chimps tea party (and I think I'm one of the strict ones)

newpup · 03/02/2009 16:31

I am so glad it is not just me who hates playdates, then!!!
As I said before, not so stressful now they are older but reception and year 1 were most difficult times.

The child I mentioned earlier whose mother never takes the hint about not wanting a playdate on the spot was a nightmare when she first came round in reception. She went crazy with Dd1's toys breaking a treasured disney princess castle and a hungry hippos game. Now she is 10 and is very well behaved but when mum comes to pick her up she brings her dd2 and dd3 and they all trapse in and they go crazy trashing the playroom! They take half an hour to leave as her other 2 want to play with everything. It is exhausting!! I usually offer to take her DD home now, less trouble.

This mum is lovely, she just feels that her DD's must have what they want and right now!!
She can not understand why I would want to spend an evening with DD's on our own if her DD wants to come around. Has been known for her to ask if her DD2 can come as she does not want to be left out but her DD2 is not friendly with either of my DD's and is a real handful!!

Arghhhhh the mindfield of the school playground. However, (rant over), picked DDs up today and arranged a playdate for next week witha lovely mum whose DD is a little star and I know she will pick her up on time, expect her to leave when told and behave while she is here. My kind of parent!!

Katiestar · 03/02/2009 16:37

I really don't get what the problem is.You don't have to tidy up for a playdate !!!! (do you think the other kid notices much less cares) and surely a children of 4 or 5 should be able made tp tidy up after themselves !!
I don't think its unreasonable to ask the other mum to pick them up at 5.30 if you want family time in the evening.

seeker · 03/02/2009 19:43

But if they start trashing stuff or breaking things you tell them not to. And you make sure that anything very precious of your own dcs is put away before they start playing. And if they don't like what you serve them to eat you say "Well, there's plenty of bread and butter and fruit" and when theyr paretn picks them up you say "I'm afraid little Other didn't like the tea - she may need some cornflakes before bed!"

They are children - just like yours. Treat them the same as you treat your own.

ChippyMinton · 03/02/2009 20:03

The trick is to be selective about which children you allow in your house. I've had several 'never again' experiences and now stick to a (very) short list of tried and tested friends.

MrsGrahamBell · 03/02/2009 20:07

Totally sympathise - the other day ds2 had a new friend round and as I was dishing up - revealed he wasn't allowed dairy - and then DS1's friend (who has been round many times over 5 years chipped in he is NOW allowed no gluten - neither of the mums had forewarned me, so I quickly had to make some chips, which I figured would be just about okay for everyone if not the helathiest of suppers...
Now I know there is going to be potato allergy next...
I work, but as I work mostly at home, people seem to think I am a SAHM - not the same thing at all... So I find I am trying desperately to restrict playdates my DC go on, as otherwise we just can't reciprocate fairly, and other parents who see me around @ pick up time don't get it

newpup · 03/02/2009 20:19

Agree chippyminton definately be selective. I have had a couple of never again ones too.

I never tolerate bad behaviour either but with some children it seemed like I spent the whole time telling them off, ' no we do not jump on the beds here, please,' or 'we do not throw toys across the playroom here, thank you' and even ' no poking the cats eyes thank you' (I joke not)

I am surprised they would even want to come again.

seeker · 03/02/2009 21:19

I realize now that it's not just domestically I have low standards - it's in every area of my life. Apart from allowing the cat's eyes to be poked - even I draw the line at that!

I would have been on the phone to check on any new allergies I hadn't been told about - quite often "I'm allergic to..." at this age translates as "I don't fancy......."!

Gorionine · 06/02/2009 13:17

a little miracle happened yesterday. I had a prearranged friend for ds3, was looking after a friend of dd1 and ds2 had invited next door neighbour because he felt left out. Only dd4 did not invite anyone, so seven Dcs alltogether! Appart from the fact they did not all like the offered food, they all did behave fantasticly! Maybe the secret is to invite MORE children?

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