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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel very irritated by pressure from children/mums at the the 3 o'clock school run?

94 replies

onthepier · 03/02/2009 10:58

Basically I work four days a week, just getting home before I need to leave to pick my dc's up from school. My two are very sociable + I appreciate that they love to see their friends after school, so they're always allowed a friend back each once or twice a week + they each do an after school club (but not on the same day)!

The few afternoons a week we haven't got plans for, I must admit I relish. I can take them home, get homework out of the way early, play with them a bit + try to have dinner eaten + cleared up fairly early so I can also get some things done.

We often walk home with two other families as we all go the same way, but I'm finding their children pester almost every evening, "Can we go to ONTHEPIER'S house?", or "Can they come back to ours/come to the park etc with us?" My children look very eager + then pester, the other mum just says, "Let's see, it's up to ONTHEPIER". I nearly always end up feeling pressured into saying yes, recently I said no, saying we had things to do + all four children, (mine + the other mum's), were in tears!!

My dc's know I work, + know not to pester to do things after school unless it's been pre-arranged, but these mums don't work + seem to say yes to their dc's every single afternoon if they want friends over or want to visit somebody.

The thing is they come to my house + the place by 6 pm looks like a bomb's hit it, toys out everywhere! My youngest still doesn't like visiting people's houses without me being there, so whichever way we do it I'm finding almost every afternoon between 3.30 + 6/6.30 is taken up which I could really do without!

I find the mums look quizzically at me if I say I'm busy, + then make suggestions, "We could always give you half an hour + then pop over", or "If you've got things to do why don't I take your dc's back to mine, then you come in an hour or so for coffee?"

Does anybody else find it hard to make clear that once in a while you'd like the remainder of the afternoon/evening just by yourselves?!

OP posts:
Tamarto · 03/02/2009 12:41

It should be enough but for some it isn't and that is where the problem is.

Seeker - maybe because i don't want to, which is as good a reason as any.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 03/02/2009 12:47

I like "just munging about home" and if I'm suddenly under pressure to have a playdate when I was looking forward to chilling out, doing homework, playing with kids why the feck should I just because kids want to come and play.

And all this is a modern thing anyway. How I wish I was a parent 30 years ago instead. Yes I really do coz I'm pretty sure there wasn't so much pressure and etiquette. I rarely ever got into my pals' houses and likewise with me. We all played together outside, unsupervised, so the parents weren't stressed about the responsibility. After playing or when dinner was ready, we'd go home, BY OURSELVES!

If we wanted to play with someone, we'd go and knock on their door and ask if they were coming out to play. IF the answer was no, we'd try someone else or just play by ourselves. We never got fed at another's house. We went home for our own dinner.

newpup · 03/02/2009 12:52

I am not good at playdates either but it has got easier now they are a little older (9&7). I could not bear it when they were in reception and some one elses little monster ransacked my house and trashed the place! Although DD's friends are mostly lovely, some have different rules at home and are allowed to jump on the furniture in outdoor shoes and tip all the toys onto the floor and leave them. Okay so not crime of the century but I am obsessive about tidyness and find this really hard.

However, they do have friends over and this is much easier now they are older amd prefer to play board games, chat and do each others hair etc.

I do have a rule about not coming out of school and pestering to have a friend over. I always say yes but we have to arrange it in advance. They have activities every night except one so mostly we have to arrange in advance. DD1 has a friend who often has friends spontaneously for tea and invites herself spontaneously too! Her mum is okay with this and I know she thinks I am mean when I say 'no not tonight but we can arrange it for next week if you like?' She says 'oh DD wants to do it now, can we not do it now?' Much harder to say no to an adult!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 03/02/2009 13:03

Newpup, that's very rude of the friend's mum.

seeker · 03/02/2009 13:09

I really really don't get this. You're not inviting the Queen for a banquet, yo're inviting another child for a play and beans on toast!

And if another child and mine come rushing up asking if little Other can come to tea, what am I suppose to say except that it's up to Other's mum? It's fine by me, unless we have something specific on - so the decision has to be on Mrs Other. If she says no, I just say "Never mind, mini seeker and Other, maybe we can arrange it for next week - is littleOther free on Friday, Mrs Other?" I really can't see what's wrong with that!

GooseyLoosey · 03/02/2009 13:15

YANBU, but God, I wish it was a problem my son had. I give almost anything for him to be asked on too many playdates and I would say yes to every single one!

ConfusedMama · 03/02/2009 13:16

On the evenings my mum didn't want us to play/didn't want friends playing in our drive etc, when asked if we could play out or have friends round she'd just say "Not today, lovey". That was all. It was judged on a day-by-day basis with no need to offer an alternative, she just didn't feel the need to explain herself so we learnt not to pester.

Sometimes I think we have forgotten who's meant to be in charge...

VoluptuaGoodshag - your post brings back memories!!

"Can X come out to play please?"

Totally unsupervised outside play, it was great. In fact we were often slung outside by the mum "while I get on with my jobs" .

Like you we went home for dinner, meeting up was just for play, going to someone's for actual dinner was generally arranged in advance and you always prayed that the parent would have made something you liked/could tolerate because it was considered the height of rudeness by your friend and her Mum to leave something/not eat it even if you hated macaroni cheese or whatever it was!

Them was the days...

VoluptuaGoodshag · 03/02/2009 13:17

Nothing wrong with that Seeker but the mum that Newpup was talking about seemed to be pressing the issue and not taking the hint.

A play and beans on toast sounds great but in reality, it can mean chaos, lots of tidying and whinging kids later on because they are over tired.

francagoestohollywood · 03/02/2009 13:25

I'm with seeker. But again, it is all down to personality and possibly an attitude that I inherited from my mum, having people around has never been a great deal.

seeker · 03/02/2009 13:26

"A play and beans on toast sounds great but in reality, it can mean chaos, lots of tidying and whinging kids later on because they are over tired."

Sounds like a normal evening chez Seeker!

I actually find it easier if they've got friends to play - far more chance of me sitting with a book and a cup of tea if I don;t have to do any entertaining at all!

ConfusedMama · 03/02/2009 13:27

Seeker, I would say it's how the emphasis is put on Mrs Other ie

"Well it's fine with me for little Other to come for tea, is it ok with you Mrs Other?" (puts Mrs O in position looking like big bad wolf if answer is no)

Or

"I don't know, I will have to decide with Mrs Other, wait while I'll have a quick word with her" thus it looks like a joint decision between the mums.

Also re alternative date: I would say to Mrs Other "maybe next week one day then, have you any days free for Little Other? Let me know tomorrow".

Hence removing the putting on the spot re Friday, or a specific day, unless Mrs Other seems keen to commit there and then.

francagoestohollywood · 03/02/2009 13:34

Never really pondered that a simple request for a playdate required all that diplomacy

seeker · 03/02/2009 13:35

I see what you mean - maybe I will rewrite my script. You see, the only reason I would say no is if I was going to say "Not today, we're going to Grandmas/the dentist/the shoeshop/we've got the painters in" so I don't see that as big bad wolf territory. It never really crossed my mind that this was an even remotely big deal!

troutpout · 03/02/2009 13:38

aww goosey ..i had that with ds (who has aspergers dx). It is the opposite with dd (nt) and i have to admit that sometimes i feel so sorry for ds when he sees dd's popularity and hoards of friends that i try to curtail dds playdates a bit.

HSMM · 03/02/2009 13:38

I have agreed with my DD that play dates are NOT arranged 'in the spot' and have to be pre-booked. (also arrangements to be made by the parents, not the children) She does find it a bit tough sometimes, but that's life.

Merrylegs · 03/02/2009 13:51

Ah, see for me tis the other way around. If Merrylegs-jnr bounds out of school wanting little-Other to come and play and I (amazingly) say yes, but Mrs Other says no, I would say to her and kids "Never mind. Let's make another date".

BUT if Merrylegs-jnr wants little-Other and I have no good reason to say no, apart from the fact I'm just not geared up for it (iyswim) so I kind of say "W-ell", and Mrs Other doesn't Get Her Act Together and see that I'm not keen and then wetly says to little-Other "it's fine by me, but it's not up to me, it's up to Merrylegs..."

And the kids are going 'pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease'

Then I would think 'buck up Mrs Other and help me out here.'

IF Merrylegs-jnr was pestering to go to little-Other's house I would either say "Lets have little Other to us" or "another day". unless Mrs Other seemed to be jumping for joy at the prospect of having Merrylegs-jnr. In which case I'd say 'great see ya later'.

(And then think why the blardy hell didn't we organize this earlier and save me a trek up to school).

Playdates are a blardy minefield. It's a Wonder we're not all running the UN with our diplomacy.

(Also, it depends on the little-Other, doesn't it? Because some little-Others are actually little-B.gg.rs)

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 13:54

LOL merrylegs aren't they just

clutteredup · 03/02/2009 13:54

Mothers should run the UN we have to deal with diplomacy at home, at school all the time - I think we should take it over - anyone coming with me?

Tamarto · 03/02/2009 13:56

Will it involve effort? I am distinctly lacking in that today.

francagoestohollywood · 03/02/2009 13:57

Not sure, I like a bit of anarchism here and there

clutteredup · 03/02/2009 13:59

err umm now you're asking questions.... you're just suppose to jump up and run away with me............then when we get there I run away and leave you to it

seeker · 03/02/2009 14:00

Can anybody tell me (remembering that I am extremely thick) why you would say no to a friend coming round if there wasn't something specific that you were doing? I think that's why, when I am in the Mrs Other role in Merryleg's scenario, I am not particularly helpful I always assume that Merrylegs was fine with it, but was worried that I wasn't, which is why I would always say "Of course, if Mrs Merrylegs says yes" thereby casting myself, apparently, in the role of unhelpful wet mother!

francagoestohollywood · 03/02/2009 14:02

Seeker, we sound extremely similar in this. Shame I live too far away!

ForeverOptimistic · 03/02/2009 14:09

Seeker, my main reason for saying no is because of the amount of time I would have to spend tidying up afterwards, maybe it gets easier as they get older ds is in reception. The other reason is because ds has organised activities twice a week (plus one pre arranged play date)and I just like to chill out with him on the other days.

Oblomov · 03/02/2009 14:15

Goodness me, what a socialable place you live in.
My ds(5) has just started reception.
And hasn't even been invited to a single play date. Mind you, we don't walk home with anyone.
You say you only hav eone night free a week.
Where do you live ? I need to move there.
Or chnage my personality
And that of my sons [wink}