To feel like bunking off my best friend's DS's christening because she's being a smug cow?

[designerbaby]

Some background:

My DD is 14 months. My best friend (!?) has a 7 month old DS.

I had a difficult pregnancy (a scan scare meant we thought out baby would die) a 51 hour quite traumatic labour and my DD went on hunger strike for 4 months, lost loads of weight etc. and so probably not that surprisingly, ended up having quite bad PND for a while after that.

Through all of this I've tried to be the best mum I can be, probably to a fault ? I've tried to do everything perfectly (and failed, obviously... ).

However, I just can't bear to be around B friend anymore.

She has sailed through pregnancy and the first 6 months of DS's life without so much as a moments anxiety, really.

She was upset that she had a C-section (her DS was breach) but even managed to be smug that she managed to dilate to 10cm in 4 hours (it took me nearer to 50) and how she's obviously 'meant to have babies'. For a while I was happy that she had an easier time of it than I had, but now she's so f-ing smug I can't bear it.

She goes on and on about how much I 'stress over silly stuff', how I 'mollycoddle' my DD, how I am a 'hypochondriac' as regards DD.

She had some BF-ing issues at the beginning and was on the phone to me a lot, I did what I could to help, now she's going on about how funny it was that after all taht she's still BFing, when I 'only' managed 5 1/2 months (DD then refused to feed anymore, I was gutted at the time).

Then latest one was about how she was glad she hadn't read any of the books I lent her, and how she thinks people who read that stuff are idiots.

It's true I am a worrier, but I love DD, she's a happy, bright, secure, outgoing, friendly little darling and I'm as proud as punch of her. I don't feel like, considering everything, I've done such a bad job.

And I'm a firm believer in mollycoddling babies, actually...

My B-friend has a somewhat different approach which I don't necessarily agree with, but I have never criticised.

Example: at 2 months old, she got fed up with him 'whingeing' in the night, so put him in his own room and turned the monitor off... Not that that's necessarily wrong, but it does highlight the differences in our parenting styles, I couldn't have done that (still couldn't!). I never say a word, really, other than 'looks like you've got it sorted' or somesuch.

Now she's weaning, but, as she said 'not making a drama out of it like you did'...

I'm probably being over-sensitive, I know that I often take her self-congratulatory comments as veiled criticisms of me, when perhaps I shouldn't, but I just can't face going there this Sunday. I feel like I'll say something horrid and ruin her/his day.

I can just see myself going "well at least my DD doesn't whinge all day like your DS because you can't be bothered to feed him for more than 2 minutes at a go or make sure he has a proper nap" or whatever, and storming out.

Sometimes I wish something wouldn't go so well for her so she wouldn't be so smug, although I wouldn't wish that on her DS, who's a sweet little thing...

IABU. aren't I... I sound bitter and mean. She's just coping much better than I did, I guess. I just wish she'd shut up about it.

db
xx

She is being v insensitive. And tbh I think she might be doing it on purpose.

tis not sounding much like you are her best friend, nor she yours TBH. have you thought that maybe she feels the same about you???

you don't sound bitter and mean. she sounds incredibly insensitive. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations but I would not expect a best friend to be so dismissive and cavalier of my feelings. Maybe she's a bit insecure - but it's very selfish of her to put her feelings above yours and to belittle you to feel better. I wouldn't have any major kerfuffles, but try and keep your distance.

YANBU

Charitably I would offer that maybe she isn't coping as well as she portrays and has to big herself up?

If not, ditch her.

Really.

No/less friends are better than ones that make you feel crap.

I would be your friend.

Turning the monitor off is irresponsible and potentially dangerous imo.

no yanbu unreasonable at all....
She's using you to make herself and her decisions feel better... not much of a friend in my book.
If you can't stomach the christening, then fake illness. And seriously think about what you are gaining from this friendship. Friends shouldn't make you feel like this.

She sounds awful! having a baby does straaannnnge thingss to people.

You are doing the best you can in the face of some prety unjustified criticism.

BUT I think you should still go to the christening (unless your child mysteriously comes down with something) But then gradually start to withdraw.

OR face the music and tell her how upsetting you find her attitude.

Parenting isn't a competition, we should all be on the same side! (you can quote that one if you like)

I have a friend that if I ring and say that any one of my dc was ill, the conversation immediately is turned round to one of her dc and how they had that illness etc, can be a pita to be honest but I honestly think she doesnt realise she is doing it

I think she is being very insensitive but also you are taking everything she says as criticism of you.

Maybe she thinks she can be honest (insensitive) when she says things to you being her best friend.

Have you tried saying that somethings she is saying are quite hurtful to you ?

You can still be friends and just parent very differently.

Maybe you should be more open about your choice of parenting style to her ? (without the criticism)

To miss the christening would be sad though. I wonder if she has no idea how you feel.

I'm going to be devil's advocate here.

Is it possible that the way you feel about yourself is colouring the way you see your friend? I.e. if you were feeling happier and less pressurised, in what ways would you view your friend differently?

Life and motherhood is too short (and too bloody hard!!) to surround yourself with people who question your actions and make you feel uncomfortable - I would start distancing myself from her and hopefully, if she is the good friend you say she is, you will resolve it or move on to bigger and better places ...

Being friends with her is not doing you any good.

TBH, it sounds as though she is using you and your situation to make herself feel better about her own parenting and life. you don't need that.

If you have the nerve, ask her if she enjoys being so smug and condescending.

How long were you friends before you had babies? If you are long time friends, I think you should ditch the babies, take her out for a wine or two and tell her exactly how you've been feeling. Just get it all out. If you want to save th friendship, the only way forward is to be brutally honest - and tell her WHY you're being so honest: that you want to turn things around and to try to be build a more supportive friendship in the future.

If you can't imagine doing this, I reckon the friendship is dead in the water. It will just drag you down, getting wound up all the time and not being able to just hang out and enjoy your babies toegther. Friends don't constantly criticise and make each other feel bad about themselves after all.

YANBU to completely ditch her. Life is too short to deal with people who are 'vexatious to the spirit'. But that said, no disrespect, you do sound a bit like a victim. Why would you give head space to how quickly another woman dilated? It's not like any us controlled how quickly or not we gave birth? Just get on with your enjoying your young daughter and stop living in the past.

To all those people who are saying 'ditch her' can I speak from experience: I have friendships with several people who've annoyed the hell out of me over the years. Rather than ditching them I've worked at those friendships, sometimes talking through the problems with said friends and sometimes not. In every case I and the friends have benefitted in the long-run, and our friendships are stronger.

I do find it rather childish how easily we jump to trade people in for new model these days.

Psychomum, you have a point, I'm not being very nice to her here, I've just reached breaking point. I've never said anything of this to anyone in real life, or criticised her way of doing things either, not even to my DH.

I don't think I've ever made her feel bad about what she's doing... because my DD ws older, I always tried to just be supportive. If she's done something differently to the way I would have done it I've just kept quiet, I don't feel like it's my place to be critical, I now how hard it can be.

But who knows... she doesn't seem pissed off at me, but I don't necessarily SEEM pissed off at her...

I'm not sure she realises she's doing it. TBH she can be a bit like that anyway, it's just I'm probably not so sensitive rether things; this has just really hit a nerve.

db
xx

Do you think she could be really unhappy and is sort of directing that back on to you and your parenting to make herself feel better?

If it was my bf i would do as suggested and go out without dc for a drink and talk about how you feel.

That would depend on whether the friendship matters to you or not i guess!

She sounds appalling!
Forget the christening and go for a lovely day out with your daughter - you are a lovely mother and don't let anyone make you think otherwise!

I think then that it sounds as tho you are both feeling out of sorts with being new parents, both feel slightly defensive about your pretty obvious different parenting styles, and instead of talking about it, you are (both maybe??) being critical of the other.

what you have to honestly think is.....

do you like her

do you want to stay friends with her if you can sort out the difference

and can you see yourself being friends with her still in five years.

yes to any of the above..........talk to her, without the babies being about, and go to the christening

She sounds vile, but it's just possible she could be halfway round the bend with PND or something. I agree with mrsmaidamess, you should go to the Christening - refusing to go is too drastic if by any chance she is going to go back to being a nice person quite soon. After the Christening you can drift away and probably should do for the sake of your mental health.

Can I just also add, I fully sympathise with you about the scare you had during your pregnancy and generally awful time . It's appallingly stressful. I have had a stillborn baby and am carrying a baby with a potentially life threatening condition (unrelated and healthy DS in between so not a complete basket case - yet) so I understand a little about your experience. However, IME there are many many people who just absolutely can't relate to this and they go through life in a little pollyannaish bubble. They make tactless comments and can't really believe in any kind of pregnancy related suffering, because it's too much for them to cope with the idea. It's a sad fact, but I don't think there's anything you can do to change them, particularly when they're in the early babyhood stage. It does get easier to bear, and as people's DCs get older and they meet more people, have more of their own experiences, they do get slightly more aware of others' heartaches. Unless your "friend" is utterly shallow, she will probably look back on this time and cringe at her attitude. At least you will not have this problem

Well you need to start standing up for yourself. Practice some phrases, such as "Good Lord, what's that got to do with anything?" or just a snappy "Thank you very bloody much", or "if this is your idea of being supportive remind me not to get on your bad side would you?!" would go a LONG way.

Firynuff, fair enough... I'm honestly not bothered about how quickly she dilated, or how slowly I did... it just pissed me off that she would even make a comment like that, as if it was somehow sonething she did so much 'better', and I deeply resented the implication that she was 'meant' to have babies and I somehow wasn't. That was very hurtful.

I don't think I'm being a victim, or living in the past. During the PND I had t work through a lot of stuff, and I'm really just enjoying being a mum now, DD is a delight, I'm back at work part time, and really feel like I'm back on an even keel again.

I'm just sad that a friend of 12 years standing is such a PITA to be around these days.

I probably should have a conversation about it with her, it would be the mature thing to do. I might just have to leave it a bit until I don't feel so blardy cross about it... I wouldn't trust myself ATM.

db
xx

mrsgboring

Designerbaby, presumably if you were best friends once there's something in your relationship worth salvaging? Our friendships change over time, they go through tense and happy times. Right now things are tense but it won't last. You should definitely talk things over with your friend and tell her that when she says things like x it makes you feel y. Reconnect with her and remind yourselves why you were friends in the first place.

oooh......your last post has been 'lightbulb moment' for me.

she is jealous of you, hence the snide comments!!

yoou have got thru a traumatic birth, PND, are back at work, clearly love being a mum, and your DD is thriving.

her DS on the other hand came from a pretty traumatic start too (I would bet her comments on the birth are covering up her inadequate feelings surrounding her CS!), and he is still young..............and she is probably still floundering.

you on the other hand, ar coping, and instead of asking you how you did it/are doing it, she is instead making HERSELF feel better by making you doubt yourself.

does that make sense???

MadMarg, that, tbh would probably be the best way... it perhaps would get my point across without making a big drama out of it.

And if she doesn't pick up on these, then maybe a chat over a drink...

I'll get practicing

db
xx

I think she is insecure about how she is parenting. If she was happy she wouldn't have to put you down to make her look better. She knows you have had problems but look at how well you have come through them. She is scared that if things were to go wrong she wouldn't cope.

You don't need friends like this! I would say ditch her but I have a frend like this who I still see because I have realised she still needs a friend so it is really up to you whether you can see it differently and not be upset by her.