To feel like bunking off my best friend's DS's christening because she's being a smug cow?

[designerbaby]

Some background:

My DD is 14 months. My best friend (!?) has a 7 month old DS.

I had a difficult pregnancy (a scan scare meant we thought out baby would die) a 51 hour quite traumatic labour and my DD went on hunger strike for 4 months, lost loads of weight etc. and so probably not that surprisingly, ended up having quite bad PND for a while after that.

Through all of this I've tried to be the best mum I can be, probably to a fault ? I've tried to do everything perfectly (and failed, obviously... ).

However, I just can't bear to be around B friend anymore.

She has sailed through pregnancy and the first 6 months of DS's life without so much as a moments anxiety, really.

She was upset that she had a C-section (her DS was breach) but even managed to be smug that she managed to dilate to 10cm in 4 hours (it took me nearer to 50) and how she's obviously 'meant to have babies'. For a while I was happy that she had an easier time of it than I had, but now she's so f-ing smug I can't bear it.

She goes on and on about how much I 'stress over silly stuff', how I 'mollycoddle' my DD, how I am a 'hypochondriac' as regards DD.

She had some BF-ing issues at the beginning and was on the phone to me a lot, I did what I could to help, now she's going on about how funny it was that after all taht she's still BFing, when I 'only' managed 5 1/2 months (DD then refused to feed anymore, I was gutted at the time).

Then latest one was about how she was glad she hadn't read any of the books I lent her, and how she thinks people who read that stuff are idiots.

It's true I am a worrier, but I love DD, she's a happy, bright, secure, outgoing, friendly little darling and I'm as proud as punch of her. I don't feel like, considering everything, I've done such a bad job.

And I'm a firm believer in mollycoddling babies, actually...

My B-friend has a somewhat different approach which I don't necessarily agree with, but I have never criticised.

Example: at 2 months old, she got fed up with him 'whingeing' in the night, so put him in his own room and turned the monitor off... Not that that's necessarily wrong, but it does highlight the differences in our parenting styles, I couldn't have done that (still couldn't!). I never say a word, really, other than 'looks like you've got it sorted' or somesuch.

Now she's weaning, but, as she said 'not making a drama out of it like you did'...

I'm probably being over-sensitive, I know that I often take her self-congratulatory comments as veiled criticisms of me, when perhaps I shouldn't, but I just can't face going there this Sunday. I feel like I'll say something horrid and ruin her/his day.

I can just see myself going "well at least my DD doesn't whinge all day like your DS because you can't be bothered to feed him for more than 2 minutes at a go or make sure he has a proper nap" or whatever, and storming out.

Sometimes I wish something wouldn't go so well for her so she wouldn't be so smug, although I wouldn't wish that on her DS, who's a sweet little thing...

IABU. aren't I... I sound bitter and mean. She's just coping much better than I did, I guess. I just wish she'd shut up about it.

db
xx

Tell us if it works! A good snappy comeback can do the world of good!

Mrs Boring... so sorry you're having such a worrying time. Thankfully our period of worry only lasted a couple of months, but it was hellish, and my heart goes out to you going through it for a protracted period. Glad your DS is a joy and a comfort though, and I really hope it all works out. hug

Psychomum, I'm not sure she is, you know... I really think that she thinks she's ace at it, and I'm a basket case.

I could be wrong, though. It's just that self-doubt isn't high on her list of dominant character traits, generally... but hey, motherhood changes all of us, i suppose...

db
xx

she could be one of those women then.

I had a friend like that once upon a time, made me feel crap for the way I parented and help herself up to be 'queen of mummyhood'.

we gradually drifted apart, and then she divorced her DH, but walked out on her children........very sad situation. and shame on me, I felt ever-so-slightly smug when I heard that.....not so much the 'queen-of-mummyhood' then was she. (I admit, nit very nice of me to think that).

if you really do feel that she is doing that, and she is dragging you down, then either confront her, or drift away.

or maybe, she really is feeling bad and hiding it very well.!

I feel she is jealous of you too. Just really hiding it well....

I feel she is jealous of you too. Just really hiding it well....

Wow - i'm coming from the sanguine, sailed through (bar hypermemsis, but that's not exactly life-threatening) pregnancy and first few months perspective, and i think she's being a twat
totally failing to see things through your eyes and making it clear that she thinks she's better than you and that you're just some quivering bag of nerves
now, i know some neurotic mums (not saying you are - it seems you had a dreadful time), and i'd never come out with 10% of the things she's saying - if any, actually
ditch her
also, i think the monitor issue is wrong, too

I'd call her a condescending cow every time she said something like that to me, but in a jokey way. She'd soon pick up the vibes of what she's doing. And sit tight, smug parents always get their comeuppance, she's bound to have a problem with her dcs somewhere along the line.

The thing is to be assertive - making snide comments is just very passive aggressive reaction and will just give her more reason to be unpleasant ...

You are not responsible for her - if she is making you unhappy it is better if you just let things take its course and not be friends with her until she/you are in a better place

May I suggest though that some things are private, and if you don't want it to be up for discussion (such as how dialated you were and how long labor was) simply don't discuss it.

I knew a woman who was like this. She made me feel bad about myself and would make snide comments. My DP asked me why I put myself through it as in his mind, friends are supposed to made you feel better about yourself.

But there are some people who are hypercompetitive whatever they are doing.

I think your doing a great job
And your friend maybe feels like she has to measure up

I had a friend like her when I rang her to the hosp to see if she needed anything(she has no sisters) she immediately said I went one better than you,
I said what do you mean
she said I did it with just gas and air
I said so did I, good on you
oh she said I thought you had pethidine
I put her right and sort of thought what alovely first conversation after having her baby,
She was miffed that she hadn't out done me and I was miffed because I was trying to congratulate her
Although my dh always said she never acted like a true friend I always let her away with it

If she were a true friend I don't think you would feel this way

And I would never leave my young baby in a room with no monitor on

I've said it before, 'why are women such bitches to eachother'. It's not a bloody competition. I certainly wouldnt make snide comments to any of my friends. I have one who does the whole 'what age was she when she did ....? oh yeah, dd was (always one month younger)'. I really want to say, 'but my dd is gorgeous and yours was a munter!!!' but bite my tongue. She is a great friend as long as I'm having small pbs. But if I'm sailing through a period I can just tell by the phone conversation that she is put out.

I'd have a word with her if you care enough about the friendship and if she is hiding the fact that she is not coping by being a cow. Otherwise I'd just ease back on the contact, be in the middle of something if she calls etc.

Hear hear Salleroo, sometimes I think some are stuck back in school

Wow - I think you're an amazingly kind and resourceful mummy.

Your friend may be feeling insecure - and maybe her own mother and support she has is crap.

I do think she's jealous, maybe for as silly a thing as you got pregnant first! In which case you can do nothing about her. She sounds like she's unhappy, and resents her 'whinging' baby.

Now, remember that parenting is an egg and spoon race - the point is to keep the egg on the spoon, not how 'quickly' you're out of the starting gate. The teens are another experience, and a happy baby who is mollycoddled will fare better in their life than one who is resented and ignored.

I'm sure you know this.

Knowing this mum may help you in the long term. Consider this training for the school gates!

But seriously, well done - I also had a long labour and ended up with a crash section, and found that in the first year or so I extremely anxious with a dose of PND thrown in for good measure.
I was amazed how everyone had an opinion about how my babe and I came through her birth/ b/f and her self weaning at 9 months.

I just step back now and listen, but I don't get emotional about 'their' issues. I just know that I can to keep my own line.
And I think this is what you are doing.
Well done on your lovely mollycoddled babe btw

Your friend is competitive and jealous IMO>

I have a friend who is always commenting on other baby's looks and how none of them match up to her DD.

Fair enough she thinks her DD is completely model material (PFB) but what gets me is that she has to put down the others, she critiques them feature by feature ie "X's nose is pinched looking, whereas my DD's is perfectly snub", "X's right eye squints a bit whereas my DD's got perfect eyes" etc.

Someone we know recently announced she was pg. Friend said "Wow, congratulations, that's brilliant, I'll lend you some things, I remember when I was pg, all those worries, just so grateful my DD perfect and gorgeous in every way, some people have terrible pg's and then of course there's the hurdle of the scans, X had that MMC do you remember, not to mention whether or not there's any disabilities present at the 20 week one and if the birth will be absolutely awful..." (she actually said all this more or less as it is written)

As I said: competitive and jealous.

I'd be tempted to swerve the christening TBH just because I know I would have to try hard not to be resentful and a real sourpuss.

Hmmm, this sounds complicated. On one hand I think your friend has some issues. I think most of us have known someone at some time or another that can only make themselves feel good by putting down others. That makes them pretty toxic IMO and not somebody I would want to be around.

On the other hand this could be a very poor way of reaching out for help. She may have a really low self esteem and think she's a crap mum and this is how she manages it.

Also, I think because you may be sensetive about certain things you may take things more personally than she intends.

I would agree that you simply need to ask her why she feels the need to put you down? If she denies it and turns it all back on you I'd say perhaps its time to move on. If she breaks down in tears and says she never meant it then you might still have a friendship to work on.

You can't just let things drift though. Sort it!

I would bow out now - sod the Christening!

If she makes the comment "I was made to have babies" again then just agree and say it must be her childbearing hips . She sounds as though she has the making of being a competitive mum. Rise above it, go to the christening. Incidentally, my best friend is my DD's godmother so I would have been a bit miffed if she didn't show up to my DD's christening!

I think psychomum has a point...

You're right, I should probably go and bit my tongue (off?) for the day, and if she's still awful have it out with her at some point in the future.

At least I'm not godmother, since I'm not Catholic (and she is)...

TBH I've no idea where it's coming from... my gut feeling is that she's not insecure about her parenting, and genuinely feels I'm getting it wrong... in which case it's probably the best thing to say, look, you do it your way, but that's not my way, kindly keep your criticisms to yourself and I'll do the same... or somesuch.

I'm just so and about it, as I went out of my way to be helpful and supportive in the early days, didn't mind when she phoned at midnight, was just reassuring, never critical, gave her loads of stuff etc. and it now just feels like being repeatedly kicked in the teeth.

If I could really believe it was insecurity or that she was actually struggling in any way, I'd find it easier to swallow, but I honestly don't think that's it...

db
xx

littlyn LOL... If ONLY she had childbearing hips... to make it all worse she's snapping right back into shape .

designerbaby

I think you should go to the christening and then you should give it one decent go to sort this out.

If she was your friend before what was it about her that you liked? You have listed all the ways in which you helped her but have not said much about why you liked her?

Perhaps if you remember those things it will be easier to sort out.
Or was she a convenient kind of a friend and you felt good about being able to help her out?

If it were me I would meet somewhere without the children and tell her that you are feeling down about how she is talking to you. tell her how she makes you feel and ask her if she knows she is doing it or if she knows why?
You might be surprised. Perhaps if you have always been very together and supportive of her she has felt useless before and thinks that she is being helpful now ( although she clearly isn't)

You owe it to your friendship to give her the chance.
If she then doesn't change you can drop her knowing you gave it a good try.

Don't know if this will be at all helpful....

but I have found over the years that no matter how good a friend someone is, the one thing we are unlikely to agree on 100% is parenting. I have friends who are absolutely lovely people but have done things vis a vis their children that I would be totally opposed to. HOWEVER, I would never tell them that as I feel that everyone has a different approach and has the best intentions regarding their own children.

Does you friend tend to be thoughtless/outspoken regarding other things or is it just child rearing? If you think the friendship would be worth having apart from this, just tell her that everyone has their own way of doing things and you'd rather not get into a discussion on every little aspect of it and change the subject.

The other thing to bear in mind is that a lot of people are pfb-ish and become slightly obsessive in the early and it can take a bit of time/perspective to realise that there is more than one "right" way of doing things....

Useful phrase with people like this:

"How wonderful for you!" said very brightly and with as genuine a smile as you can muster.

Once it has been said six times in a conversation, even the most thick-skinned person should notice that they are bragging and you are taking the piss.

I don't think your friend is coping nearly as well as you think.
Does turning off the baby monitor because you can't stand the crying any more sound like someone who is coping well ? who did she turn to when she needed advice and support ?
The reason why people usually put people down is insecurity orjealousy on their part.
I have had friends like this and had to cut down seriously on the amount of time i saw them because the whole competitive parent thing upset me so much.i think you have enough on your plate without putting yourself in situations which you know are going to upset you- - make an excuse and give the xening a miss
For the record things got much better as we had more children and dropped the act .

I know exactly what you mean DB about doubting that this is jealousy or insecurity. I had a friend like this. My DH would try and 'counsel' me through it and say that infact, she wasn't coping well and was saying these things (similar annoying things to what you've had from your friend) from insecurity etc.

In fact, she genuinely felt superior to me and genuinely felt her way was better and that I needed to be told. It was pure arrogance, based on a genuine feeling of superiority.

Her right to feel that way; I happened to not feel that my way of parenting was not inferior and that in fact it was better than hers which involved an amount of shouting and smacking etc etc etc.

So what I'm saying is yes it is possible she just thinks she's ace and you're not so good!!!

The MAIN thing to remember IMO is, she is feeling free to give you her opinion - YOU GIVE YOURS TO HER AND DON'T FEEL BAD!

I would find an excuse not to go to the christening. You sound very wound up about the whole thing and it will do you good to put a little distance between you and your friend for a while. I'm not saying ditch her, but just take a step back for a while. Christenings are boring anyway!

It does sound as if your friend is terribly insecure, and if you stop acting as her sounding board for a bit, she might have to deal with the reasons why.