To feel like bunking off my best friend's DS's christening because she's being a smug cow?

[designerbaby]

Some background:

My DD is 14 months. My best friend (!?) has a 7 month old DS.

I had a difficult pregnancy (a scan scare meant we thought out baby would die) a 51 hour quite traumatic labour and my DD went on hunger strike for 4 months, lost loads of weight etc. and so probably not that surprisingly, ended up having quite bad PND for a while after that.

Through all of this I've tried to be the best mum I can be, probably to a fault ? I've tried to do everything perfectly (and failed, obviously... ).

However, I just can't bear to be around B friend anymore.

She has sailed through pregnancy and the first 6 months of DS's life without so much as a moments anxiety, really.

She was upset that she had a C-section (her DS was breach) but even managed to be smug that she managed to dilate to 10cm in 4 hours (it took me nearer to 50) and how she's obviously 'meant to have babies'. For a while I was happy that she had an easier time of it than I had, but now she's so f-ing smug I can't bear it.

She goes on and on about how much I 'stress over silly stuff', how I 'mollycoddle' my DD, how I am a 'hypochondriac' as regards DD.

She had some BF-ing issues at the beginning and was on the phone to me a lot, I did what I could to help, now she's going on about how funny it was that after all taht she's still BFing, when I 'only' managed 5 1/2 months (DD then refused to feed anymore, I was gutted at the time).

Then latest one was about how she was glad she hadn't read any of the books I lent her, and how she thinks people who read that stuff are idiots.

It's true I am a worrier, but I love DD, she's a happy, bright, secure, outgoing, friendly little darling and I'm as proud as punch of her. I don't feel like, considering everything, I've done such a bad job.

And I'm a firm believer in mollycoddling babies, actually...

My B-friend has a somewhat different approach which I don't necessarily agree with, but I have never criticised.

Example: at 2 months old, she got fed up with him 'whingeing' in the night, so put him in his own room and turned the monitor off... Not that that's necessarily wrong, but it does highlight the differences in our parenting styles, I couldn't have done that (still couldn't!). I never say a word, really, other than 'looks like you've got it sorted' or somesuch.

Now she's weaning, but, as she said 'not making a drama out of it like you did'...

I'm probably being over-sensitive, I know that I often take her self-congratulatory comments as veiled criticisms of me, when perhaps I shouldn't, but I just can't face going there this Sunday. I feel like I'll say something horrid and ruin her/his day.

I can just see myself going "well at least my DD doesn't whinge all day like your DS because you can't be bothered to feed him for more than 2 minutes at a go or make sure he has a proper nap" or whatever, and storming out.

Sometimes I wish something wouldn't go so well for her so she wouldn't be so smug, although I wouldn't wish that on her DS, who's a sweet little thing...

IABU. aren't I... I sound bitter and mean. She's just coping much better than I did, I guess. I just wish she'd shut up about it.

db
xx

I was thinking about my BF and our totally different ways of parenting. Though I would never dream of criticising her way of doing things and vice versa.

She is the only person ever who has had my dd over night (twice) in the nearly 5 years of her life. But I have never babysat even for her kids. I think I am probably more laid back than she is comfortable with, but that is fair enough.

I would never dream of coming out with the things that your -so called- friend has said. Motherhood is not a competition!

Have you ever thought that her having needed a c-section & being 'smug' about what she feels she is dong right is connected?

I know that I felt a complate failure after needing a c-section with dd1. For at least a year I felt that my body was totally inadequate, that I had failed my baby & let her down.

Everytime I suceeded at something with her it was monumental to me! Although I wasn't as quick to share it & was slighty less 'showy off' about it, it was a great big deal to me.

I was 'smug' because she slept well in between feeds, 'smug' because she wasn't a cry baby, 'smug' because she weaned well, 'smug' because she was a non tantrummy toddler etc etc....(I use smug as that is the word you are using, but wouldn't be what I would have called myself, just very proud that I could do something right for my child, iykwim)

Maybe she is still fighting with her emotions & although she is going about it in the worng way, it is her way of saying 'I can do it, I am not a failure'

Very sad that the concensus seems to ditch her, when really we know nothing of what she is suffering. A straight forward pregnancy & c-section can lead to PND as much as a traumatic brith/pregnancy can, imo.

I think you are being unreasonable. I am not going to say anymore than that, because you will not like it.

"Mmm, yes, that's really helpful, thanks"

To be said both to Saphron and to DB's friend.

Saphron are you the best mate

Op you are not being unreasonable. She sounds awful.
Ditch her.

I haven't read the whole thread

However

My first child was a model baby, never sick, slept through quickly, (albeit in my bed but i was a single parent so easier), weaned easily, walked and talked incredibly early. I could take her anywhere and she never played up. She's had more tantrums this year, (14 now) than she had in her whole toddler life.

I was typical smug first timer. Don't think i was as insensitive as your friend though.

Lordy lordy, my adorable ds was sent to teach me a lesson 2 yrs 7 mths later, and i am the first to admit now that he was sent to teach it to me.

Perhaps mother nature will be kind to you her next time around.

In the meantime, perhaps give the christening a miss, sounds like you won't enjoy yourself anyway.

Why don't you and your dh take dd out to a nice little farm in her wellies and splash in some mud or something fun. x

Oooh... it all looks nice now... what happened?

Anyway... spoke to DH at length about all this last night. He too thinks she's deeply insecure, but is also fed up with her critical/putting down comments all the time. He'd wanted to say something before, but as she was my friend, didn't want to cause problems between us.

We've been friends for an awfully long time, and been through a lot of life's ups and downs together.

TBH she's always been inclined to be a bit superior, (possibly because we met at work and she was senior to me at the time and so can be a bit 'big sistery') and also a tad (!?) self absorbed. In the past I've just shrugged it off as 'how she is'. She has also been insensitive before, (she's just one fo those people who doesn't really have an 'edit' section between her brain and her mouth ) but again this hasn't bothered me before - maybe I'm quite thick skinned about other things... but not this, evidently.

I think in this instance motherhood and my parenting style/ability is just an area where I'm unable to just shrug off her comments as 'just the way she is' because my feelings about it run so much deeper.

So perhaps then next time it happens I need to tell her, calmly but firmly, that this is something which is 'off limits' to her forthright comments.

I guess how she reacts to that determines how things progress from there.

FWIW, all those who said ditch her? That's precisely what DH would like to do (although he said 'put some distance between us' the diplomatic soul) so it's not like i'm dismissing those comments! It's what I feel like doing right now too TBH, but also feel like I owe our long standing friendship a lifeline before going down that route.

I'm still a bit about the whole insecurity thing though, but maybe my perception is all wrong as DH seems to agree that that's at the heart of it.

Maybe it does come down to the C... She was very upset about it at the time...

Gosh, don't know. Guess a conversation might clear a lot of this up. Just got to hold on to my temper long enough. I'll probably manage that if the criticism is of me, but if she criticises DD, I won't be responsible for my actions

Thanks for all your support though.

db
xx

p.s. Go of Saphron, give it your best shot. I can deal with it [steels self for a battering] don't just post YABU and run...

liahgen I'm sure it all works out about even in the end, right?

Perhaps her DS will keep feeding in the night until he's 3, or something...

[evil laugh]

ooooh... that's SO wrong...

hmm me and my bf joke together about how much we don't cope.

We never rub it in if one is doing better than the other.

She has never mentioned to me that she finished her course and I had to leave due to dd1 being ill and not being able to keep up caring for dd1 and the course and I never mention the fact that almost every thursday she calls asking to borrow money.

We laugh over how huge our ironing piles are and congratulate each other if one has a smaller pile that day

In short, we support and console each other. We do not use the area of life that the other is not doing so well in to make ourselves feel better about how badly/well we are doing. That is what friends do. i'd suggest you find a new BF.

YANBU. Your friend is feeling insecure and is pointing out your shortfalls to make herself feel better. That is not what friends are for.

You sound like the sort of friend I could do with, seashells! And db- blimey, phoning you at midnight?! I think you might be right that she just isn't that nice really- not everybody is. If you can be quite straightforward to her and give her examples of the comments that upset you, and ask her to keep her beak out, I think that would be hard, but for the best. And make sure you say what a great job you think you are doing btw, otherwise she'll take it as confirmation that she is right and you just can't take her "honesty" . Good luck with it

Interesting, Seashells - that's what me and my NCT friends tend to do - if there's any kind of competition, it's about the various nihgtmares we're having!

Case in point, we were having a bit of a mare with DD and her sleeping over Christmas, (waking every 45 minutes from 7pm to 7am aaargh!). I knew that it was because I'd always cuddled her top sleep at bedtime and whenever she woke in the night, had created a dependency, and that I was going to have to do some kind of sleep training to remedy it.

NCT girls were all sympathetic of my lack of sleep, supportive of my decision to sleep train, offered suggestions form their own experience, were interested to hear how it went, and happy for me when it was solved.

BF just said that it was my own fault for mollycoddling her, that I should have just left her to get on with it from the start and that I'm too soft and I've created a little 'mummy's girl'.

She hasn't asked how it's gone since...

I just don't know what's happened, but she seems to have lost any compassion whatsoever. I KNOW that it was in large part my fault that the situation arose, but did really warrant pointing out in such a mean way?

Dunno... we'll see, I suppose.

db
xx

Oh, Sorry, Kartiestar... she didn't turn the monitor off because she 'couldn't stand the crying'. She turned it off because, and I quote 'his whingeing was keeping me awake'.

db
xx

what a witch - new friend required I feel

Great post DandyLioness

DandyLioness... you're absolutley right... Thank you.

db
xx

Just want to say, she is being insensitive and a PITA, but I do think you're (inevitably) skewed by your own situation. You say she's been sailing through yet she had a breach and a c-section and had trouble breastfeeding as well as all the other difficulties of having a little one - noisy nights etc. She is dealing with it in her way, which seems to involve talking herself up and maybe putting you down to feel better, or maybe that's just how it feels because of your own situation. From where you're sitting, it must look like she's got it easy and being smug, but having a baby is never easy and smugness often hides insecurity. Do what you have to in order to preserve your own sanity, but please don't take things too much to heart and don't lose a long-term friend over feelings which will pass.

I penned this essay last night, then when I went to post MN was offline! Look what they've done to the place . Anyway, it may no longer be relevant, but here are my pearls of wisdom.

Having had the experience of a toxic friendship (pre babies), it took me several years to realise that my 'friend' really just wanted someone who she could feel superior to. She constantly criticised me and mocked me. The best thing I ever did was to walk away from the friendship, and it opened up opportunities to meet wonderful new friends.

Would you allow your MIL to make comments like this to you? Why would you let a friend say them to you?

I would quietly put some distance between you, and who knows, if you can do it without making a big issue out of it, perhaps you can pick up the friendship in the future, if that's what you want.

Contrary to most opinions on this thread, I wouldn't go to the Christening. Your friend sounds so competitive, it will just be an opportunity for one upmanship. Feign illness!

Finally, if you do remain friends with her, and she continues to criticise you and hold that her way is the right way, you could suggest that she writes a parenting book? After all, she sounds like she has all the right attributes to be a parenting guru .

DesignerBaby - what have you decided to do? Are you going tomorrow?

Hi there... yeah, I went, decided it was mor for the little man that about his mum, so...

Actually it was OK - largely because BF was so stressed with organising that we barely spoke, other than "where do you want these sausage rolls?" kind of stuff.

She completely ignored my DD though, which was a bit out of order, I felt, stressed or no... DD was waving and saying hello and everything [cute emoticon] and nada.

Anyway, will battle over this dilemma again next time I see her, I suppose, and if this foul weather continues, that might be a while

Thanks for all your messages though. Lots of food for thought. I'll see how it goes, but will, I think, say my piece of/when she starts up again... and I guess her response will determine the long term outcome.

db
xx

You will read whatever you want into her behaviour. But as to her pregnancy and birth, it seems like only difficult pregnancies and traumatic births are ever allowed to be talked about.

Women that have good pregnancies and easy births also want to talk about their experiences but have to hold back in case they offend others who were not so fortunate. It's not right.

It really sounds like that you are the one with the problems. Abandoning your friend by flouncing from the Baptism isn't going to do either of you any good (unless you would go there as a grump).

"at 2 months old, she got fed up with him 'whingeing' in the night, so put him in his own room and turned the monitor off... Not that that's necessarily wrong"

actually that is wrong imo
babies should sleep with their parents until they are six months old, otherwise it increases their chances of dying.
of course there might be very good reasons for doing this, but they have to be balanced against increased risk of sudden death
leaving a child alone in the night and not responding to their cries = also wrong and damaging.

will now read rest of thread. but I just wanted to say you aren't wrong about that part.

Do you HAVE to keep seeing her if she is pissing you off so much? Maybe you have been seeing to much of each other.

Maybe she is doing it on purpose because saying all these things out loud is a way of reasuring herself that they are true, she really IS wonderful because she has a fast dilating cervix.

Maybe she isnt really that bad and you are building it up in your head.

Maybe she is a bit of a bully and is taken advantage of your sore spots. She knows how to get to you.

Whatever the reason, if your friendship is not making you happy then why continue? People change after having children and maybe you two have changed too much for this friendship to carry on.

I would go to her Christing though. It seems a bit drastic not to, particularly as she may not have a clue she has upset you.