To feel like bunking off my best friend's DS's christening because she's being a smug cow?

[designerbaby]

Some background:

My DD is 14 months. My best friend (!?) has a 7 month old DS.

I had a difficult pregnancy (a scan scare meant we thought out baby would die) a 51 hour quite traumatic labour and my DD went on hunger strike for 4 months, lost loads of weight etc. and so probably not that surprisingly, ended up having quite bad PND for a while after that.

Through all of this I've tried to be the best mum I can be, probably to a fault ? I've tried to do everything perfectly (and failed, obviously... ).

However, I just can't bear to be around B friend anymore.

She has sailed through pregnancy and the first 6 months of DS's life without so much as a moments anxiety, really.

She was upset that she had a C-section (her DS was breach) but even managed to be smug that she managed to dilate to 10cm in 4 hours (it took me nearer to 50) and how she's obviously 'meant to have babies'. For a while I was happy that she had an easier time of it than I had, but now she's so f-ing smug I can't bear it.

She goes on and on about how much I 'stress over silly stuff', how I 'mollycoddle' my DD, how I am a 'hypochondriac' as regards DD.

She had some BF-ing issues at the beginning and was on the phone to me a lot, I did what I could to help, now she's going on about how funny it was that after all taht she's still BFing, when I 'only' managed 5 1/2 months (DD then refused to feed anymore, I was gutted at the time).

Then latest one was about how she was glad she hadn't read any of the books I lent her, and how she thinks people who read that stuff are idiots.

It's true I am a worrier, but I love DD, she's a happy, bright, secure, outgoing, friendly little darling and I'm as proud as punch of her. I don't feel like, considering everything, I've done such a bad job.

And I'm a firm believer in mollycoddling babies, actually...

My B-friend has a somewhat different approach which I don't necessarily agree with, but I have never criticised.

Example: at 2 months old, she got fed up with him 'whingeing' in the night, so put him in his own room and turned the monitor off... Not that that's necessarily wrong, but it does highlight the differences in our parenting styles, I couldn't have done that (still couldn't!). I never say a word, really, other than 'looks like you've got it sorted' or somesuch.

Now she's weaning, but, as she said 'not making a drama out of it like you did'...

I'm probably being over-sensitive, I know that I often take her self-congratulatory comments as veiled criticisms of me, when perhaps I shouldn't, but I just can't face going there this Sunday. I feel like I'll say something horrid and ruin her/his day.

I can just see myself going "well at least my DD doesn't whinge all day like your DS because you can't be bothered to feed him for more than 2 minutes at a go or make sure he has a proper nap" or whatever, and storming out.

Sometimes I wish something wouldn't go so well for her so she wouldn't be so smug, although I wouldn't wish that on her DS, who's a sweet little thing...

IABU. aren't I... I sound bitter and mean. She's just coping much better than I did, I guess. I just wish she'd shut up about it.

db
xx

Glad you went and managed to hold your tongue.

I have a SIL like your friend, and I DID end up snapping at her and I really regret it.

We were all sleep-deprived and over-sensitive and I really should have just left it.

I think the 1st year is the hardest in this situation - you are so focused on your LO and so desperate to do things right that you can hardly talk or think about anything else.

I agree with Psycho that she is probably jealous of you, I was told that (by mn) about my SIL and with hindsight can see it's true.

I HAVE to say YABU to expect her to notice your DD "being cute" at HER baby's christening - she will have been run off her feet and concentrating on celebrating the big day.

I have to say I really have to force myself to coo over other people's babies because they are just not as cute as mine

Scienceteacher - I had no problem talking about our respective birth experiences - after all, neither of us had great ones, really.

I did and do resent snidely-made comments such as 'I was obviously made to have babies' (the emphasis was hers, incidently, which may indicate why I felt it was said cruelly).

That's partly what makes me so sad ? that we should be able, after all these years, to talk about this stuff, the difficulties and problems we had, but she's made it into some kind of one-upmanship. I shouldn't take it to heart, I suppose, but it's hard not to with stuff like this.

I didn't expect her to make any kind of fuss of DD, but a simple "hello Issie" when she's actually being waved at and spoken to wouldn't have gone amiss? We were the only people there besides her and her DH (we'd gone early to help set up). It was just rude, IMO... Bur probably as case of 'be rude to me by all means but woe betide you is you're rude to my DD!!'. It's also not the first time...

I don't think we've been seeing too much of each other - probably the opposite,in actual fact. We used to live really close in London, but she's moved to Surrey, and since then we've probably grown apart a bit, with very different social/work lives etc. I suppose I just thought us both having babies would bring us closer, if anything, but actually our parenting styles are so different, it's probably just highlighted the distance that was already developing.

It's a shame, we were both each other's bridesmaids etc. but I suppose all friendships go through seasons, we're probably neither of us are how or who we were pre-kids, and it just so happens we've changed in different directions. Maybe in a couple of years, things will settle down again, who knows.

If it happens again, I think I will say something though, otherwise I feel that the resentment which builds up may irreparably damage whatever relationship we have left.

Every time I see her though, I leave feeling "who is this person?"... Maybe she feels the same though . I know I've gone from someone who was always late and never wore a watch, to someone who has a tendency to get a bit fidgety if I'm ten minutes late giving DD her lunch!?

I just don't know why she has to be so rude and insensitve...

db
xx

if you're ruse to my DD... I meant. Typing has also gone up the swanny post baby, it seems... I used to be SO fastidious...

... but then I also used to blow dry my hair, and wear nail varnish, so maybe she's dismayed at how I've let myself go

db
xx

ruse
ffs!! I'm going to stop typing now...

It is interesting that she seemed to be making a point of not acknowledging your DD - do you think that it has something to do with her comments of your DD being too mollycoddled and indulged? Maybe she is taking her resentment (or jealousy) out on your DD?

TBH, if I had been in the situation, I would have said brightly, 'DD's saying hello '

I always wonder how these things work out in the end - here's hoping that you can salvage your friendship on terms you are happy with, or if not, that at least you can move on without anymore unpleasantness. Do update us all.

ive read the whole thread (nothing on tv!) and i reckon maybe you could cut her a bit of slack. It is good that you went to the christening def and i reckon the reason youve posted on here is because you do value the friendship and want it to be ok

Obviously we dont know everything she has said or done but i think most of what she has said are probably more about her or whats going on rather than meaning to be horrid to you - shes tired, hormonal etc as most of us are at some point

eg ignoring your dd at christening - probably just her mind elsewhere as the host, with family everywhere and a baby to look after - i know id be nervous wreck

'i was born to have kids' - that is so obviously someone trying to come to terms with a csection - it can be very traumatic and not what you expect

try and be the bigger person - as you have already said you will - if she says something odd again, be ready to say 'hang on, i feel told off' or something to get it out in the open. No need to be critical - just try and be confident and say 'we are such old friends i love to see you - we seem to have such different views now - does it matter?' and see what she has to say too

Not read past the op...just wanted to say, she doesn't sound like a very nice friend...not a true one anyway...

I would be annoyed/upset, too....I suppose there are 2 options...talking to her about it, see if she even realises what she is doing and then see where you go from there, or just withdrawing from the friendship quietly....

Go along, take your lovely daughter, dress beautifully ... and then drop her as a friend. She sounds irritating and tactless. I couldn't get on with anyone who would leave a 2 month baby to cry at night without a monitor - poor baby.

Oops, read the thread now and you've already been to Christening - well done!

I have a situation similar to this with one of my mates. It dosn't help that we got pregnant at similar times and I think that is linked to our competetive friendship. It has always been so an dhas got worse since our dds were born.
I had a very long labour followed by a c- section. My mate started to discuss her ''normal birth'' in a rather smug way one day and I told her that it made me feel inadequate as I had a c-section. I also said that I was afraid taht our friendship would become even more competetive now we had kids. She wrote back saying taht she thinks the world of dd and me and she wouldn't compete which broke the ice. I do think though that women are naturally competetive and this extends to child rearing unfortunately.
I sometimes feel smug but I try not to show it. After all- we all think the world of our kids but I also complement my mate's kids too.
I feel very insecure about bringing up dd- after all I want to get it right and there is noinstruction manual. This is when I'm at my most obnoxious.
I am offended on your behalf at what your friend said 'I was made for childrearing'. In my eyes this is totally horrendous behaviour. We are ALL made for childbirth. I had a crash c- section. I felt inadequate and very dissappointed that I didn't have my waterbirth. I am now proud
that I was strong and tried my best. Could those with easy labours have coped as well in our circumstances? As it happens dd's head wasn't in the right position for a normal birth. Does that mean I am not a real women? I don't think so.

But I will admit- it does still rankle underneath and so if you are a women with this c-section issue it may manifest in negative ways.

I'm with you poshsinglemum. You should feel proud and strong! I don't understand though why anyone would feel inadequate cos they'd had to have a CS. I gave birth 'normally' but it took weeks before my bottom half felt like it belonged to me again and it didn't stop my DS inhaling meconium and spending a week in special care till his lungs cleared!

I've posted this before and got flamed a bit 'cos it was different in the late 60s' but I was born by emergency CS in 1967 after my Mum had been in labour for days. I was transverse lie and 10lb and wouldn't shift after no end of effort to move me. Apparently I had a great big ventouse lovebite on one of my arse cheeks for the first few weeks of my life after they tried that without success - my Mum only told me that recently in front of DP and DS who thought it was hilarious. But seriously, my Mum's CS scar runs down not across and I have a corresponding scar across my side. They cut me too in their urgency to get me out!

I am so amazed and thankful at what my Mum went through to have me, and she is still amazed that I wasn't stillborn or disabled. I'm even more amazed that she went on to have my brother after going through all that to have me. No one should feel ever inadequate because they needed intervention. I'm bloody grateful such intervention exists, I owe my life to it, and would have accepted it in a heartbeat if I'd needed it. Don't let it rankle please - fanjos might be designed for birth but you really didn't miss anything. Well apart from the excrutiating, burning, stretching pain, tearing of your most delicate sensitive bits and piles all of which I could have well done without. No more rankling please!

Apart from all that though designerbaby, your 'friend' sounds like a cow. Whatever her issues there is no excuse for such behaviour. She does sound deeply insecure but that is her problem and not yours and I would suggest putting some distance between you.