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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DH to babysit?

122 replies

Frasersmum123 · 28/01/2009 10:51

I never ever go out without one of my children, and as I am a SAHM I really dont mind this, but things have been difficult lately and with two babies all day, and DS2 being really hard work sometimes I would love some 'me' time.

I got some vouchers for Christmas, and would really love to go on a shopping trip without anyone moaning about going in another clothes shop, they are bored/tired/hungry.

So I asked DH if he would look after them on Saturday morning for a couple of hours, and his exact reaction was 'what all of them, cant you take one with you?'

He then proceeded to ask me if I mind if he goes out on saturday night!!!!

Am I being unreasonable? Our children are 7, 23 months and 4 months?

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 29/01/2009 09:30

Frasermum
How did you get on?

Your childcare arrangements are very one-sided. Fwiw, DH has quite a stressful job but still puts the DC (6yo and 4yo) to bed once a week so I can go out with a friend, sometimes more often. He often takes the DC out on Sunday mornings so I can have a lie in. They all enjoy spending the time together.

This year I have 6 friends coming to visit for 3 days and he is going to take the DC away for a few days. He will also have full charge of them in June for 5 days when I go to UK for my SIL's henny night.

I am not suggesting that you start arranging weekends away, but the DC are both of your responsibilities, you did not get pregnant alone.

I am sure that he has other really good sides, but going on what you have written on this thread he sounds like a right wanker.

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 29/01/2009 13:16

Well we had a chat about it last night and we have agreed that I will go to a swim session one evening a week and he will look after the DC.

He also agreed that I could go into town by myself and he will look after the children. He doesnt really want to take them all out together but he will stay with them at home. This is a bit of a pain but he has moved from his starting point so much that I didnt want to push it.

However DS has now announced there is a hole in his trainers, so I have to take him to get some new ones on Saturday - so much for my 'me' time!

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 29/01/2009 13:36

Frasermum it's a move in the right direction, I think initally it may be a bit of a shock to him and easing him in gently is no bad thing ( at least for thesake of your marrige )

Have you choosen what night you're going swimming do it now and STICK TO IT!!! Think of it as helping and enabling your dh to deal with his children.

As for ds's trainers is it really bad? does he absolutely have to have new ones this week ( or does he like the idea of some new ones / time with you)?

hotCheeseBURNS · 29/01/2009 14:00

My dp and I both work full time and outside of work I do most of the childcare BUT he does most of the housework and cooking.

We mostly do everything together but if I do want to go out by myself I ask him if he minds and he says no. He's not particularly bothered about looking after ds but he doesn't like "being on his own" because he gets bored!

Our situation is slightly less balanced because dp is not ds's biological father and has only been living with us for about a year and a half so he's not 100% confident about parenting.

OP, you need to have a serious chat with your husband!

hotCheeseBURNS · 29/01/2009 14:01

Ooops, missed the last few posts! Well done

littlelyn · 29/01/2009 15:55

Frasermum - Could you not resolve your ds' trainer issue tomorrow after school?

wheresthehamster · 29/01/2009 16:13

I think you should not give up this Saturday for trainers. It will set a precedent that means your time is not important and can be overridden with any family minutae that comes up. Be firm on this. I mean it

helsbels4 · 29/01/2009 16:16

Why can't your dh take ds out on Saturday to buy trainers? I really don't think that you should back down on your me-time just because something else has cropped up. You need this time, is that considered unimportant? Be strong woman and stand up for yourself!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2009 16:17

I agree on the trainers - loads of places are open late Friday or on Sundays. It's great that your DH has moved from his original stance on all of this and so all the more important that you follow through on it.

ohdearwhatamess · 29/01/2009 16:18

Why not suggest dh takes ds to get trainers at the weekend, after you've got back from having some time to yourself?

It would be nice for both of them to do something together, imo.

MorrisZapp · 29/01/2009 16:30

I overheard a friend of my MIL talking about her own son, and saying 'well, he hasn't had much of a weekend has he, he's had to babysit all day' - about his own kids!!

I was gob smacked. I also know a lovely, confident friend of mine who hires a babysitter when she goes out because her DH can't have both their DCs at once.

It is mindboggling. But the cycle will just repeat itself if parents don't show better role models. Do it for your own kids, frasersmum! Show them how shared parenting is done! Good luck, lady.

Salem1 · 29/01/2009 16:31

I also hate the term that the other parent is babysitting their own child/ren!!

Anyway mention it again and when he asks 'What all of them?' - just answer yes. When he asks 'Can't you take one of them?' just answer no.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 29/01/2009 16:50

I may be late coming back to this question but, in response to the bit about dads taking kids out alone - absolutely, yes! In fact, I take mine out (though only 11 mths so quite easy) every Saturday and look forward to it (we go to French playgroup because she is bilingual). In fact, that's a big chunk of "our" French time and if her mum gets up early and starts speaking English to us I get unreasonably jealous! I am also already dreaming about being able to take her skating and for a week's skiing (both activities her mother abhors) when she's big enough!

As for trainers - depends on the size of your town but, if you really have to take your son, perhaps you could:

pick the trainers before you leave the house (online or via catalogue)
go early, straight to shop and straight home - ideally on your local high street rather than in "town" proper
go back out again on your own for proper shopping

Of course, this will mean that, overall, your husband will have longer with the kids.

But them's the breaks, eh?

neverknowinglyunderdressed · 29/01/2009 17:40

I'm curious about this topic....as my DH is and always has been a v hands on parent. I have usually 2 weekends a year (sometimes more) away without the DTS. The first of which was for a friends hen night and the kids were only 12 weeks old.
I have a friend who has recently had a baby and this week her DH was on holiday. She said she thought 'cool he can finally spend some time with the baby' and asked him to spend the morning with him whilst she went out to have a break/me time etc. He said 'no...I'm on holiday' and wouldnt do it! Is it the men that are at fault in these senarios or is it the women who let them? My SIL law bit like this too, I think its like a martyr syndrome. Or are these really selfish men only attracted to martyrs because they know they'll get away with it?

macdoodle · 29/01/2009 17:44

frasers I feel for you my STBXH is/was like this for the whole 10 years of our mariage and the last 7 years since DD1 was born - this is one of the reasons he is STBXH - in fact my NM who has never met my kids seems to have more interest in them making "plans" for holidays which include them
It is a revelation to me !!!

macdoodle · 29/01/2009 17:47

And not sure why - yes I guess after a while it becomes a habit and you stop asking because it is just such a hassle and easier to get on with it yourself A vicious cycle but my STBXh NEVER ever offered and eventually I got tired of asking/begging/bribing

Ripeberry · 29/01/2009 18:00

My husband was a bit like that a few years ago when we had DD2. But one Saturday he had to have them for the whole day as i was very ill and could not even get out of bed.
He tried to palm them off to his mum but she had gone out! .
At the time they were 3yrs and 6 months old and ever since then he loves having them to 'himself' for a few hours each weekend and i love it even more!
Just throw him in the deep end, he is the PARENT!, he needs to learn what it means!

GColdtimer · 29/01/2009 19:08

Its a great start frasersmum, but all of you go on Sunday to get new trainers. Or take DS yourself on Sunday and leave the other two with DH seeing as its family business

Do not give in on your saturday morning shopping trip.

MadamDeathstare · 30/01/2009 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rhiane · 30/01/2009 15:52

Boy, Can I relate to that! With us it got to the point that DH really believed he was doing me a big favour by looking after our 2 while I had some 'me' time. (something which was not important to me until recently when I realised that 'ME' time is important)
I finally got sick of it and lost it with DH so now keep a record of every hour he goes out, whether it be his 'once every two week Saturday night out with his friends' or when he's really late home from work, I used to take one of mine with me but they are both at an age where they hate shops (DS2 & DD5)
I now make sure I get my 'ME' time whether it be shopping or a trip to the gym, it's taken him time to get used to it but I stuck to my guns and he's now used to the idea although he finds 2 of them hard going! (and I hate being apart from my kids)
One Saturday lunchtime not long ago he announced (didn't ask) he was going out that evening and I immediatly said "Oh sorry I forgot to tell you but so am I" again I stuck to my guns and went out even though I didn't actually have any plans!
I will also not tolerate being told he is looking after them or babysitting 'for me' (nearly as bad as him saying he is washing up 'for me' or changing a lightbulb 'for me') From time to time I remind him I'm owed quite a few hours of 'me time' and spend the whole day out (usually 10-7ish on a Saturday or Sunday)
Anyway think you've probably guessed that NO you are NOT being unreasonable at all and deserve a lot more than a couple of hours of 'me' time. I love my children to bits but a few hours of 'me' time is great therapy.

georgimama · 30/01/2009 16:04

I only have one child, and DH is not a new man, but I am gobsmacked by this whole mentality that a man cannot look after his own children unaided. Or that looking after them is "babysitting".

My friend's husband has never looked after their two alone. If she goes out for the evening he gets his mum (!) to come and help him put them to bed.

sweetkitty · 30/01/2009 16:26

YANBU I have a 4yo, 3yo and a 6mo next Friday night I am out with the girls for a meal and Saturday afternoon lunch with an old friend.

DP is out 6am-7pm 5 days a week but the minute he is in the house it's 50/50 down the middle, he also gets up with the older ones in the night as I am always up feeding DD3.

Weekends he runs for 3 hours so thats his me time and the occasional game of golf.

I'm a SAHM and he is able to go to work because I provide the childcare inhouse instead of outsourcing it, if he ever moaned about me being at home I would say "fine I will get a job how much do you want to pay in childcare, shall we split it out our wages then?" We both viewing me being at home as my job, as I am good at my job he gets his dinner made for him every night and the majority of the housework done too and all his washing.

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