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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children with autism are seriously misunderstood

121 replies

Reallytired · 26/01/2009 14:49

Yesterday, I had my mum's neighbour telling me about how all autisic chilren (yes, autisic children not children with autism were violent.) Her experiences are all based on one child of a friend of a friend ... blah! blah!

I told her that I thought that was totally unfair and I know some lovely children with autism.

Don't get me wrong, I know very little about autism. I certainly don't understand it, but I know roughly 50 children with moderate to severe autism. They are all individuals with their own personality and its very varied how they are affected. Most of these children are not violent, even if they do have problems that make life hard.

In fact I suspect the children with autism suffer more violence from NT people than people suffer violence from people with autism.

I don't think its fair to make any general assumptions about children with autism. Or any other group of people. Its as daft as saying that all women are bad drivers.

OP posts:
Lotster · 26/01/2009 18:55

YANBU - what a silly old cow.

From my family experience with my cousin who was severely autistic, in forty years the only person he ever hurt was himself. He did used to cut his head open by banging against the wall, very distressing, but with anyone else he was the gentlest boy/man.

2shoes · 26/01/2009 18:58

yanbu
but all children with cp are happy you know

Lotster · 26/01/2009 19:00

P.S.

Think differently about autism - help the campaign

BenFMsmum · 26/01/2009 19:08

YANBU. They are seriously misunderstood. What really winds me up is when discipline is brought into the conversation!! My son is midly autistic and (among other things) hated a bath. He would scream and cry and it would be an ordeal for everyone involved. Until I worked out that he hated his feet going into the bubbles in the bath because he could not see them anymore. I now give him a bath with no bubble bath and I can't get him out of it!! Which discipline would have helped with this scenario?? People with autism see the world differently to us and therefore react differently. It is a diffability not a dissability and I think Temple Granding said.

laweaselmys · 26/01/2009 19:08

Yup, I agree.

On a slightly more positive side of things, I was talking to a group of ten year old kids the other morning about autism, and kept having to say I didn't know, or nobody knows about certain things. (I am no expert)

What I was really pleased with was that the kind of questions they were asking where about how it works and why people have autism as opposed to 'are they all x y or z' Which gives me some hope for future generations being more knowledgeable and at least making more of an effort to understand people with disabilities, instead of just clinging to misnomers.

laweaselmys · 26/01/2009 19:10

(er, just wanted to add I was talking to them in an informal context - I was making their breakfast!)

coppertop · 26/01/2009 19:20

LOL at the "He can fly" comment.

I think a lot of people (including professionals who really should know better) have a fixed idea of what children with autism are like. The common misconceptions are things like:

  • He can't be autistic because he makes eye contact.
  • Children with autism aren't affectionate.
  • Children with autism have no imagination.
  • He can't be autistic because he doesn't line things up.
kettlechip · 26/01/2009 20:52

YANBU at all, I think people are often just very afraid of anything they don't understand. It doesn't help if they aren't prepared to learn though..

5inthebed · 26/01/2009 23:04

YANBU

My ds2 has autism, he is in no way violent (although will wind his neice up just to see her cry ). He is very affectionate, loves kisses and cuddles (only from me ) and his hand has a life and voice of its own.

I hate the misconception people have of children and alduts with autism.

SixSpot · 26/01/2009 23:06

pagwatch - am ROFLing at "yes, he can fly"

Original poster
Reallytired · 27/01/2009 10:09

"yes, he can fly"

I think that one is brilliant.

Even so, I think that children with autism have strengths and weaknesses like any other child. There maybe things that a child with severe autism might be moderately good at without necessarily being a gifted savant.

For example a child with autism might be good enough at PE to represent their school without necessarily being olympic standard.

The challenge is providing a child with moderate/ severe autism an upbringing that allows them to make the best of adult life. It is important not to completely write off a child just because they have difficulties with speech and language.

OP posts:
Diggle · 01/02/2009 18:48

Hi, I'm taking the plunge to ask for advice. I suspect that my close friend's DD possibly tends towards the end of the spectrum which finds initiative and imaginative play difficult, whilst repetitive and rituals are preferred. Very very different from my DD. We still see a lot of each other, but not as much as we used to and it's my fault . My friends always want my dd around to play because she is such a positive influence. But the converse occurs and my dcs behaviour deteriorates so I tell her off a lot. I'd love so much for my friends to get a professional assessment and have a proper plan that we can all work to. But if the subject of development is raised I always make some platitude comment to allay my friends concerns . And yet at the same time I don't want my DD to be 'used' to bring the other DC along in the way it seems to be happening . The other child is very passive but tantrummy and phobic. How can DD and I help our friends in an informed way?

TotalChaos · 01/02/2009 18:58

Why do you feel like your DD is being "used"? does she not enjoy playing with the other DD? What sort of behavioural problems do you encounter with the other DD. Does your friend express concerns about your DD to you?

qwertpoiuy · 01/02/2009 22:33

ironically, my ds was badly behaved as a toddler and my dd1 was described as bring of impeccable behaviour. Fast forward 4 years and my son is much quieter, dd1 is still well-behaved but has odd behavioural traits and I'm awaiting an appointment with a child psychologist for autism diagnostic assessment.
So while I wAs told by members of the public my ds had problems, it turned out dd1 is likely to have autism or aspergers.
So yanbu!

Sassor · 28/02/2009 10:09

I think the violence that some children with autism show comes from pain. A lot of our children have pain, abominal pains and headaches, for example.

Coldtits · 28/02/2009 10:23

I have started to nod, smile and ignore. Whilst thinking "I don't care what you think because you are clearly ignorant"

I explained to an (older) autistic child what the circles of muscles in your digestive system are, and what they are for (the sphincters). He has been relentlessly badgering his mum for 20 minutes on the way home from school. He probably talked about it for 4 hours last night too, and I bet she knows more about the human body than she ever wanted to know. Similarly, she discussed times tables and adding up at length with my asd five year old - which she probably found a refreshing change from the digestive system.

However, at no pooint did either of the children start battering us repeatedly with rocks, or stabbing us with broken glass. Clearly we are making their asd up to Get Money Off The Govvermunt.

porgie · 28/02/2009 10:58

apparently my 26 lbs, 2.7, DS with ASD is very violent, or so i am told at our local soft play centre by the mothers of the PFB's who he "attacks"!
It must be wonderful to have a perfect NT child who never pushes hits or headbutts to get what they want, because they don't have the words to ask!
Have stopped going, can't face the "discussions" anymore, so DS has lost his morning of play and letting off steam, and i have lost my morning of socialising with friends, it's my fault however as i should "watch him a bit better".

benfmsmum · 28/02/2009 11:09

That's sad porgie that you should have to stop going somewhere because of other peoples ignorance! We go to a soft play centre which is open on evening a month (not a lot I know!!) just for kids with autism. The best bit about it for me was the attitude of the other parents. They all understood the challenges the kids have and don't bat an eyelid at certain behaviours. We obviously watch out for our lo's as you would anywhere but for example, one little boy kept coming up to me handbag and unzipping it then zipping it back up, just because he has a thing about zips!! Can you imagine something like that happening elsewhere??!!

porgie · 28/02/2009 11:22

we also go at night once a month, are you in the north west? unfortunately DS stuck his foot into the go cart track last week and ripped his toenail off after 10 mins there!
i know what you mean though it is lovely to be with others that understand!

benfmsmum · 28/02/2009 11:48

Ouch!! Poor thing!! No I'm in South Wales!! We're going tonight so fingers crossed no accidents like that!!

sayithowitis · 28/02/2009 12:46

I attended a an amazing three day seminar where the guest speaker was a lady named Wendy Lawson. She is and adult who was not diagnosed until she was in her 40's. (Google her, she really is amazing) She explained that often, the things that ASD children are known for, eg eye contact, not liking excessive noise, lining things up etc etc, are cause physical pain to the ASD person. She has to touch each wall of the room she is in before she can settle, if she doesn't, it hurts her. I look at it in a whole new light now.

Jux · 28/02/2009 15:51

I used to work with autistic children and in my experience, the ones who were 'violent' were frustrated or scared (or both). These were very young children, and I am ready to stand corrected by people who know better than me - I am sure there are many.

Temple Grandin is one of my heroes. You should read her books. She is hugely successful and a leading light in animal husbandry. Single handedly changed the way cattle have been treated in the States and all over the world. I don't think she beat anyone up to do it, either. Fantastic woman.

chocbuttons3 · 24/04/2009 10:28

I think there is a high percentage of people in my experience that just dont know what Autism is and because its a spectrum - no child is alike and every child has totally different areas that they need support in, and which i think is a 2 edged sword my son especially is beautifull looking and APPEARS to be a boy that is just having a temper tantrum when he has a meltdown but the prob is he is now 6 but the size of my 8 yr old he is sooo strong, with no awarenss of wot damage his body can do and no awareness of safety or other ppl feelings or wt is sociably acceptable. And i think wot is hard that wen ppl find out that a child has autism that if they c that child for an hr or a bit of the day and they r having a gd day or doing somthing that they love - stimming or obsessional activity they will comment that they are doing fantastic and arent they doing well and all this rubbish that makes my blood boil when i know that i have just bn scratched, bitten and kicked to get him this calm. Sorry to vent but it nice to unload lol Love 2 chat to anyone living with Autism or as i like to call it AGGGHHHtism xxxxx

sarah293 · 24/04/2009 10:38

This reply has been deleted

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cyberseraphim · 24/04/2009 10:41

Well someone in Sainsburys this morning praised DS1 for being so polite and asked if she could take him home to teach hers some manners - He is autistic. They are all different In some ways, it's a shame he doesn't have enough language or 'social skills' to 'behave' like an NT child but in other ways, he's easier.

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