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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect inlaws to help us out ?

40 replies

Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:01

Hi,
I am a new poster. This board was recommended by a friend.
My husband and I are not that well off and we desperately need double glazing. We have two young children and this winter has been very cold (we live in central Scotland).My husband asked his parents (who are very well off) for a loan and they refused. Our two children are their only grandchildren, they live 500 miles away and as my parents aren't around, we don't get much support.
AIBU to expect them to help us out?
Thanks for your replies in advance.
Mips

OP posts:
2pt4kids · 23/01/2009 16:02

YABU to expect them to help yes.
They may not have as much disposable income as you think or have other things they prefer to spend on

sweetcat · 23/01/2009 16:04

You have asked for a loan, not a handout therefore YANBU to ask, maybe a little UR for expecting them to help. But only a smidge... They are being unreasonable in not helping you out. Do you normally get on with them?

Welcome to MN by the way

whoingodsnameami · 23/01/2009 16:04

Sorry, yes tou are, it's thier money, no-one else should decide how it is spent.

sarah293 · 23/01/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrshammond · 23/01/2009 16:05

YABU - borrowing and lending money in a family can cause lots of problems. I understand your difficulties and DG is expensive but it is not their responsibility.

quint · 23/01/2009 16:05

Maybe they can't help out or feel for whatever reason that helping you out in the short term will be bad for you in the long term.

You were not unreasonable to ask,but it is their perogative to say no and that should be an end to it.

rubyslippers · 23/01/2009 16:07

i can see how that would pee you off, but in all honesty i would never mix money and family

it can only ever lead to arguments

have you looked at if you are entitled to any grants for home improvements? you may be if you are on a low income

Lulumama · 23/01/2009 16:08

maybe they are not that well off either? lots of people have seen their savings and pensions plummet through the floor recently

they might well need to hang on to every penny

see if you are eligible for any energy saving grants for insulation etc and maybe a new boiler?

you can;t expect/demand help and then be upset if it is not forthcoming.

double glazing can be £££££

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:09

Thanks for replies so far and welcome. My husband is the one who feels hard done by. We get along well. They are VERY well off and as it was a loan, which would be paid back, when I return to work after mat leave. My husband is an accountant and seems to think they are losing much more through inflation on their savings a year, than what we are asking a loan for.
I think you are right that IABU to expect it.
M

OP posts:
Lulumama · 23/01/2009 16:10

x post !

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:11

Our income isn't low enough to receive a grant, but we have arranged for cavity wall insulation, which scottish power are giving funding for.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/01/2009 16:13

did they give a reason or was it just a curt 'no.'?

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:16

My husband asked his mum and she said she no. Her reason was that they were perhaps planning to move to a bigger house. The live in a huge house already in an expensive part of town. A bigger house would take them up to the million pound bracket.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/01/2009 16:17

it must jar but it is their money ...

Dropdeadfred · 23/01/2009 16:19

well....I'm guessing there's nothing you can do then...it is their money after all..
Do they visit you at all? do they love their grandchildren? perhaps if they stayed with you and saw how cold it was they might change their mind?

hanaflower · 23/01/2009 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayorquimby · 23/01/2009 16:22

i understand why you might be pissed off. but they may be like me where in i simply don't lend money to friends or family. that's not to say i don't help them out where i can, but it would always be on the understanding that it is a gift and if they do pay me back that's their decision and it's a nice gesture and bonus,because ime it is the paying back of money that leads to the problems not the giving.this also means i don't give what i can't afford and i'd hope that if i ever found myself i dire straights they'd be the first to offer help.

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:23

Lol, funny you should say that....my MIL stayed recently and did comment on how cold the house was. I gave her an extra blanket!
My MIL loves the children, my FIL doesn't. I suspect he was never a child himself! We visit them more frequently than they visit us. Flying with two children is difficult, but we make the effort.

OP posts:
chelsygirl · 23/01/2009 16:23

I think they should try to help

purpleduck · 23/01/2009 16:25

At least the worst of the cold is finished.

Isn't it?

Lulumama · 23/01/2009 16:25

if they want to move and need their money then that is their prerogative, buying a £1 mill house is not the same as having that in the bank, they might need to conserve every penny for improvements and moving expenses.

i think lending/giving money withing families can be a big big problem , and no-ne should feel entitled to money from family.

Lulumama · 23/01/2009 16:26

tell them you can;t fly to see them for a bit as you need to save up? and at least then they might come to you more.

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:27

Mayorquimby....I agree with you on the lending of money in general. I used to lend my sister money and swore blind, I wouldn't again. However, we were planning a written agreement where they would be repaid as soon as I returned to work. We are also currently selling my parent's house (my mother died recently)and we could easily repay them from the sale of the house. Given the current climate, the house hasn't sold yet.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/01/2009 16:28

I would stop visiting so often and explain that you are cutting back in order to save.

Original poster
Mipsy · 23/01/2009 16:30

Lulu....we have thought of that. However, if we don't make the effort to fly down there, my children would miss out on seeing their grandma. My 5 year old adores his grandma.

OP posts:
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