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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should the man be present at birth?discussion in work and wondering aibu

86 replies

mayorquimby · 12/01/2009 16:49

basically a woman in my office is expecting, her husband is adament that he will not be in the delivery room. the women in work are discussing it and all in agreement that he is being a pig/dick/selfish/insert as appropriate.
they asked my opinion and i agreed with her husband,apparently i too have now been reduced a few moral pegs.
so was just wondering is it a man vs female thing,or should the father just go along with the mothers wants as it is her who isgoing to be enduring child birth, even if he feels he has very legitimate reasons for his decision?
fwiw my reasons for feeling the fathers presence unnecessary is because a) i would object to the presence of anyone at a medical procedure which can have as many complications as this who is not contributing/necessary for the procedure. while it might be nice to have the support at no other complex medical procedure is this the norm.
b) i have doctor friends who have told me that quite often having the father present can ahve the opposite effect and rather than calm the mother to be,he can increae the stress and panic due to his inexperience. so normal comlecations are greeted with panic from the father which only serves to work up the mother,and expected things like seeing blood only serve to make things worse where as if you only have trained medical professionals in the room these things are dealt with in a calm clinical manner so as not to add to the womans stress.

so was just wondering should such worries and fears be set aside if the wife wants the husband there, or is the man allowed to exercise his own beliefs in such situations?

i know i might get flamed and i accept that it is different for everyone. other doctors i know have been quite vocal in their support of the husband being present if it is what the couple want and accept that it is different for everyone

OP posts:

Habbibu · 12/01/2009 16:51

Well, it depends firstly whether you see birth as a "medical procedure" tbh. I think a supportive partner can be an extraordinary help. I guess a man there under duress may not be helpful, but if he doesn't want to be there at the birth, I'd be wondering just how much use he was going to be after it...

LyraSilvertongue · 12/01/2009 16:51

I wouldn't really describe birth as a medical procedure, unless it's a caesarean.

poppy34 · 12/01/2009 16:52

erm think it is a personal thing -there are arguments both sides.. there is a school of thought (think michael odent wrote a book on it) that fathers =stress = contribute to slower labour/birth problems - the ohter point of view (and mine) was that a well informed father can act as support/communicator for wife (i was in no fit state to talk sense so basically delegated it to dh thinking he would not be drugged/hormoned out and would make key decisions - but he is calm sort and this was his third child).

also fwiw if husband really doesn't want to be there seems likely to be counterproductive to force him there (unless its something that could be got over eg misunderstanding of birth process due to watching crap tv etc)...

Habbibu · 12/01/2009 16:52

My opinion - if he's squeamish/nervous he should get over it, realise he's got the easier part of the deal, and do what his partner needs him to do.

Haribosmummy · 12/01/2009 16:53

I had an El CS, so DH was present (but very much at the HEAD end, IYSWIM )

I was pleased he was there, but I WOULD NOT have wanted him if I'd had a natural delivery. Nor would he have wanted to be there.

In fact, my DH was extremely positive about me having an El CS.

cmotdibbler · 12/01/2009 16:55

Dh didn't want to be there at the birth for a number of reasons. I was happy with that as I wouldn't want to force anyone to be in an uncomfortable situation, especially when I didn't want to worry about it.

I hired a doula, and DH came and went as he pleased (I didn't really notice, except that I know he was there at the actual birth), and I had someone who knew what they were doing, but was only worrying about supporting me in a non medical way. And I really, really did need that support.

elliott · 12/01/2009 16:55

'the man'?! I presume you mean father of this child, jointly responsible for its creation and its upbringing? In which case, yes its his duty to support the mother during the birth, assuming that's what she wants.

EyeballsintheSky · 12/01/2009 16:56

I wasn't keen on the idea of DH being with me tbh. DH wouldn't hear of not being there, he would have been gutted. I was off my head on pethidine but I knew he was there. He poured me constant glasses of water and, God help him, cleaned me up after a couple of poo incidents when the mw wasn't there. I don't know how I would have coped without him, just knowing that someone on my side was there. It's so important, especially if your mw isn't great.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 12/01/2009 16:56

DS dad wasn't present at the birth because we were not on good terms at the time. Mind you, even if we had been, I wouldn't have wanted him there.
I think it's up to the individuals concerned but if the bloke wants to be there but the woman doesn't want him there, she wins (ie he doesn't come in, it's her birth) however if a man is really, really resistant to being there he shouldn't be forced/bullied/coaxed/emotionally blackmailed into being there as it will just be a lousy experience all round.

jscouse · 12/01/2009 16:57

my husband was in the Caribbean for the birth of our first! I wasn't fussed he wasn't there as he certainly would have annoyed me ... we are still married btw and very happy. He was there at the planned c section of ds2 but I prob would have asked him if he preferred to wait outside had it been a vaginal birth.

Jillydix · 12/01/2009 16:57

Plenty of mothers don't want to be there either! But they have no choice......
Creating, bearing and raising a child is a shared experience. He was happy enough to be a present and contributing factor at the conception, wasn't he?! I understand that he may be scared, and wondering if he will cope.....but so is she, and she has no way out.

Blu · 12/01/2009 16:59

I don't think anyone 'should' do anything except what is best for them.

A useless flapping, nervous man would have driven me potty in labour, and had DP been lkely tobe like this, he would have been deposed in place of my best friend, or a doula. A calm, helpful, supportive man, feeling part of the birth of his child, and committed to being a supportivbe birth partner - fab - and most men I know would hate to miss the birth of their child.

Any man who thinks straightforward birth is first and foremost a 'medical procedure' is likely to be a crap birth partner, though. And needs to join an NCT class and learn how to take a supportibe constructive role

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/01/2009 17:00

This reply has been deleted

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BitOfFun · 12/01/2009 17:00

The reality of NHS births AFAIK is that she will be on her own and unsupported for much of the first stage if someone (usually the father) isn't there. So in general, I think he should suck it up and try to be useful.

bronze · 12/01/2009 17:02

Agree a man who doesn't want to be there would be useless. But then I think a man should want to be at the birth of his child where possible.

I can't imagine not having DH there. He's been my rock in some difficult birth situations and really does have a positive impact.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/01/2009 17:02

If an individual couple decide between them that they don't want him to be there then that's fine. I'd be a bit at a father deciding that "he can't cope" if the mother wants him there though. And to be honest, the medical professionals aren't there for a lot of the time if it's a normal delivery. I would have had a much worse time if DH hadn't been at my DDs' births and he wouldn't have had the appreciation of what I'd been through. It is rather nice that he knows how hard I worked and can congratulate me with complete sincerity. Plus at the moment just after DD2's birth he told me "you can have anything you want!", he was so impressed that I got her out when everyone thought that she was stuck. That's something that I can really use to my advantage.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/01/2009 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mayorquimby · 12/01/2009 17:06

"I guess a man there under duress may not be helpful, but if he doesn't want to be there at the birth, I'd be wondering just how much use he was going to be after it.."

see i'd see this as an emotional kind of blackmail and it's the kind of point that some women here were making. however they are married, he's obviously devoted to her. has gone to every appointment,scan and class with her (not saying he deserves a medal for this it's what all fathers to be should do, just pointing out that he is obviously committed to being a father) but they have a difference of opinion on one thing and all of a sudden he's not going to be any use as a father? he honestly believes that him being present will only complicate things by adding to the stress.
i accept that it is her giving birth and that he needs to support her, but i honestly don't think that forcing him to be there is in any way productive.

but i accept that the general consensus from the women here is that iabu.

"'the man'?! I presume you mean father of this child, jointly responsible for its creation and its upbringing? In which case, yes its his duty to support the mother during the birth, assuming that's what she wants.
"
yes hence my description of him as the father in my post and the man/the husband/the father at different times during my post, and his oh as a woman/mother/wife at different times.
i feel this is also a problem in that some women look to get instantly hostile/defensive if a man ever dares to voice an opinion on child birth.even though as you note in your post he is jointly responsible for it's creation yet the mother is solely responsible for many decisons regardless of the fathers opinions

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 12/01/2009 17:06

My DH thought he wouldn't be able to cope and I told him he didn't have to be there is he really didn't want to, but that I would perfer it if he did.

Anyway, he came to both births and he was brilliant.

However, I don't think it is a good idea to pressurise your partner into anything. Also, some women don't want their partners there and that choice should be respected too.

Gee, sure is comfy on this fence.

Tanee58 · 12/01/2009 17:07

It's absolutely between the couple. If he doesn't want to be there, he shouldn't be forced. My ex was reluctant - I said fine, I would ask my sister or best friend. However, in the end he said he wanted to be there - which was ok and he was very calm and rubbed my back etc (even when I didn't actually want to be touched!), but turned out to be a bad idea in the end as he was so put off by the experience that we never had a sex life again! I sometimes think there is too much pressure on men to be there - even when they are likely to be a hindrance. Looking back, I wish I'd had my mother with me instead!

PrettyCandles · 12/01/2009 17:08

The person who should be with the labouring woman is whoever she wants. If she agrees with the father that he shouldn't be there, then he shouldn't be there. If he is there and she changes her mind and wants him out, then he should leave.

I don't think it's a man/woman thing. I can understand that some men might be useless in the delivery room, but then so might some women. If I couldn't have had my dh partner me, then I wanted my dad. I absolutely did not want my mum anywhere near me while I was in labour, no matter how much we love each other and have supported each other at other times.

I also don't think it's about medical professionals. It's about the woman's comfort and confidence.

Haribosmummy · 12/01/2009 17:08

ThePregnantHedgeWitch...

some births are medicalised... Mine was, and it was still a lovely experience (which I will def. try to recreate if I am lucky enough to have another)

I think a woman should be able to have the birth she chooses and a man should, to a degree, choose that too.. If he doesn't want to be there, he could hire his wife a doula.

I'm not sure sucking it up is a great way to start parenthood and something that wouldn't be advised for a woman....

misdee · 12/01/2009 17:09

tbh, i wouldnt have had a clue of dh was there or not for dd4 birth. it was a home birth, and yes i know he was there lol. But the thing is emotionally i didnt need him there. i am very 'hands off' in labour, hate to be touched, rubbed etc etc adn just let my body do its thing. in the early stages we were chatting and laughing but once things got intense, dh was actually in the kitchen getting the other children breakfast and ready for school. he camer back into the room for the final part. i didnt miss him.

Original poster

mayorquimby · 12/01/2009 17:10

fair enough you've all given birth so i respect your opinion and accept iabu and the man should be there as it seemed to help so many of you through your experiences.

i think it was more the type of arguments they were using and character assasination that got me.

thanks for your contribution, it was very informative

OP posts:

reikizen · 12/01/2009 17:11

Having been present at as many births as I have now I have come off my high horse about fathers at the birth. I used to think it was essential for bonding etc but now I think women should have whoever they think will support them best through labour (not because it is a medical proceedure but the way!!) Sometimes men are marvellous and sometimes their concern for their partner can up the anxiety levels too much, but the same can be said for women's mothers in my experience.
My dad is wonderful but is still traumatised my the midwife insisting he be present for the birth of my sister, as is my mum!

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