should the man be present at birth?discussion in work and wondering aibu

[mayorquimby]

basically a woman in my office is expecting, her husband is adament that he will not be in the delivery room. the women in work are discussing it and all in agreement that he is being a pig/dick/selfish/insert as appropriate.
they asked my opinion and i agreed with her husband,apparently i too have now been reduced a few moral pegs.
so was just wondering is it a man vs female thing,or should the father just go along with the mothers wants as it is her who isgoing to be enduring child birth, even if he feels he has very legitimate reasons for his decision?
fwiw my reasons for feeling the fathers presence unnecessary is because a) i would object to the presence of anyone at a medical procedure which can have as many complications as this who is not contributing/necessary for the procedure. while it might be nice to have the support at no other complex medical procedure is this the norm.
b) i have doctor friends who have told me that quite often having the father present can ahve the opposite effect and rather than calm the mother to be,he can increae the stress and panic due to his inexperience. so normal comlecations are greeted with panic from the father which only serves to work up the mother,and expected things like seeing blood only serve to make things worse where as if you only have trained medical professionals in the room these things are dealt with in a calm clinical manner so as not to add to the womans stress.

so was just wondering should such worries and fears be set aside if the wife wants the husband there, or is the man allowed to exercise his own beliefs in such situations?

i know i might get flamed and i accept that it is different for everyone. other doctors i know have been quite vocal in their support of the husband being present if it is what the couple want and accept that it is different for everyone

also accept that mediacl procedure was a poor choice of words. but that is just down to my lack of suitable vocabulary and my brain thinking "it's like a procedure or an experience with doctors and stuff normally at a hospital....must be a medical procedure"

My Dh was a bit squeamish but knew I would need him there (couldn't have anyone else as family & close friends live too far away).
He got over it by watching loads of childbirth videos on you tube! I did say to him if he didn't want to be at the business end, I didn't mind, but in the end he was.
He was fantastic during my labour, very supportive.
I accept that some men feel that they would be a hindrance and perhaps it is better that someone else be there to support the mother... but I can't help feel that they won't try to prepare for it to see their child who they help create come into the world.

I don't think that it's necessarily a gender thing either. I wanted DH to be there, but couldn't have coped with my Mum being anywhere near me. DH and I did have a pact though that he would not go anywhere near the business end. I didn't want to see myself either - none of this mirror or touching the head stuff in the Mouse household!

Sorry, ThePregnantHedgewitch, I disagree.

Forcing someone to be present (or absent) without any discussion 'because it's what the mother wants' is

1. Very likely to lead to disappointment on the day
2. Very likely to lead to arguments later on.

marriage and parenthood is a partnership. It needs constant work and compromise. If the father doesn't want to be present, then an alternative solution should be found.

And, FWIW, a woman does have options. I didn't fancy all that pain either, so I opted for an El CS (which was lovely).

IMHO, no needs to suck it up.

I think this is something for each couple to decide upon. I know couples where the man hasn't wanted to be there and the woman hasn't wanted him there either. So, for them, it's obviously the right thing. But whilst accepting their right to make that decision, I'd still judge someone for not wanting to be there. I mean, I just can't understand not wanting to see your child enter the world.

With the rider that I have absolutely no experience in this area yet.....

It has to be down to the couple and their choice. I could not countenance my DH not being there, and, luckily, he feels the same (although, bless him, he goes white when we accidentally flick onto Casualty, so great is his hospital-phobia...) However, I have a close and dear friend whose DH has made it totally clear he is not going to be at the birth. She is ok with this and says she could not bear to put him through something he knows he would not be able to stand.

I have an emotional reaction to his stance on this but if his wife is ok with it and very understanding about it, I have to be too. My Dad wasn't at my birth and it hasn't affected our relationship or his relationship with my Mum - she decided to be pragmatic too. (PS - my Dad is not a macho posturing bloke, he just really really cannot stand the sight of blood, bless him.)

A private decision for each couple to work out.

At DD's birth, DH started out in the room, then I told him to get lost when I got the urge to throw up. He stayed out after that.

This time, I want him there, because I want someone to fight doctor/MW for my wishes. Punch them if one takes out the scissors for an episiotomy, for example.

I would have been gutted if DH didnt want to be there for the births but if he had a decent reason (v sqeamish etc) I would work around it.

During DS2s birth he slept for most of it (homebirth) while me and MW had a great chat - in between contractions - and when he had been there the convo was far more stilted!

I think cote makes a good point about someone fighting your corner, and though a doula can be good, they dont know you the same way as a partner and therefore may misinterpret your wishes.

mind so could your DP/DH so who knows

Dh intended to be there for me (and was at the birth, just not for most of the labour) but I was induced and went into labour overnight on the antenatal ward so he only got there a couple of hours before ds was born.

(Long story involving him not hearing the phone at 4am, but he almost wasn't there at all.)

As it turned out I was ok on my own but I would have been really upset if dh had said in advance that he didn't want to be there. I can't rationalise it but I think I would have felt that he was expressing disgust in me and my body somehow if he'd shown any revulsion at the process (if that makes any sense).

I was so very glad that my DH was present, even though he was really nervous and hesitant about being there. He was argumentative with the staff when he needed to be and there for me to lean on (quite literally to hold me up for some of the contractions when otherwise I would have just collapsed on the ground).

He stayed at the head end rather than the 'business end' which was easier for him to manage.

But he made a good point - I remember the birth of DS through a haze, but DH remembers it vividly, and is hesitant about being there for DC2. He will be there because I want him there, but he is more nervous this time than the first time.

I'm actually not sure how I would cope seeing someone I loved in that much pain - I was quite grateful not to be asked to partner my sister, though I would have done it had she asked me.

MadMarg makes a good point about the vivid memories - I wonder if as women we are designed to minimise the memories to ensure we have more babies.

My DH was there - I gave him the option beforehand that if he didn't want to be there , it was fine.

To be honest, I didn't notice him much during labour (and it was 40 hours so it wasn't as if I didn't have the opportunity). I wanted to be more alone or with the midwives - possibly because they were more confident and knew how to cope and waht might be helpful.

I ended up with forceps and being sewn up. I think DH found all that quite gruesome.

He did get to hold DS very soon after birth - and that wouldn't have been poss if he wasn't in theatre.

Next time, he'll get the choice as well, and I won't ever hold it against him if he doesn't want to.

So what's a good reason?

Sorry if I've missed something, TheHedgeWitch, but I do believe that my DH has the right to the same opinion as me, IYSWIM...

My impression is that a calm, supportive birthing partner
can make a real difference to the mother.

The father is not always the right choice, though,
and I don't think he should be slated for it.

A lot of people don't cope very well with high-pressure situations,
plus the blood, pain and the feeling of helplessness in the face of it all.

If the dp opts out he should make sure the mother has sufficient
support in the hospital, e.g. pick up/drop off the designated birthing partner.

But, why should I be able to FORCE my DH to be there, if I know he doesn't want to be there (or conversely, ban if I know he does)

It's been said loads of times on this thread, but it's something a couple are going to have to discuss and agree on... I doubt it happens too often that the parents are poles aparts on their feelings.

For me, DH was happy to be there, as long as his involvement was to stand, hold my hand and smile but as that's what I wanted to, it wasn't a big deal for us.

I agree, wholeheartedly, that what a woman needs IN LABOUR is tantamount, but something like this should be discussed and agreed long before that.

that was my point, I guess.

It was a good job my DH was at the birth of our child. For some reason I blocked out every other person in the room bar him. The midwife had to give instructions through him, he then told me what to do.

The best not not always the Dad. Was in my case but this isn't something you can generalise about.

My DH was nervous about me being in so much pain - much more nervous than I was poor sod. Think sometimes it's worse to watch - I always feel I've got something to do when I'm in labour - he just gets to fiddle about with cups of water and rub my back. Anyway - he was worried so I had a friend there too in case he wanted to duck out for a few minutes - so he wouldn't feel he was abandoning me. That was in hospital. Next two were home births and he almost delivered the last one. Annoys me when people go on about the bloody man SHOULD be there etc. My DH is fantastic but couldn't help being anxious - too many Hollywood films with blokes passing out all over the place I think. I didn't want anxious people around whoever they were but in the end he said there was no point at which he could have brought himself to go out of the room. And now is much more confident - probably will deliver the next one if we have a fourth since if it arrives any faster than number 3 we'll only have a few minutes to spare.

OK, I'm really not about to get into a pissing competition about it.

You still haven't actually given a reason you would acccept as valid though...

Anyway, FWIW, I wouldn't want my mother there either.

I wanted to be left alone and certainly didnt need Dh there most of the time. he found it really stressful to see me in pain and i just wanted to get on with it. He was there at the end and cut the cords but that was it (btw both were at home).

Each to their own i'd say