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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should the man be present at birth?discussion in work and wondering aibu

86 replies

mayorquimby · 12/01/2009 16:49

basically a woman in my office is expecting, her husband is adament that he will not be in the delivery room. the women in work are discussing it and all in agreement that he is being a pig/dick/selfish/insert as appropriate.
they asked my opinion and i agreed with her husband,apparently i too have now been reduced a few moral pegs.
so was just wondering is it a man vs female thing,or should the father just go along with the mothers wants as it is her who isgoing to be enduring child birth, even if he feels he has very legitimate reasons for his decision?
fwiw my reasons for feeling the fathers presence unnecessary is because a) i would object to the presence of anyone at a medical procedure which can have as many complications as this who is not contributing/necessary for the procedure. while it might be nice to have the support at no other complex medical procedure is this the norm.
b) i have doctor friends who have told me that quite often having the father present can ahve the opposite effect and rather than calm the mother to be,he can increae the stress and panic due to his inexperience. so normal comlecations are greeted with panic from the father which only serves to work up the mother,and expected things like seeing blood only serve to make things worse where as if you only have trained medical professionals in the room these things are dealt with in a calm clinical manner so as not to add to the womans stress.

so was just wondering should such worries and fears be set aside if the wife wants the husband there, or is the man allowed to exercise his own beliefs in such situations?

i know i might get flamed and i accept that it is different for everyone. other doctors i know have been quite vocal in their support of the husband being present if it is what the couple want and accept that it is different for everyone

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/01/2009 19:21

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Habbibu · 12/01/2009 19:26

"A lot of people don't cope very well with high-pressure situations,
plus the blood, pain and the feeling of helplessness in the face of it all."

Hmm. Equally valid possibilities for the women!

Haribosmummy · 12/01/2009 19:26

Well, I'm glad that you and your DH agree on it - you being PG and all!

GOod luck with your birth plan!

pamelat · 12/01/2009 19:26

I think that the woman is going through so much that DH/DP should want to be there for her, whatever she decides.

My DH was brilliant during my very long labour. He applied a hotwater bottle to my back and held my hand (just about possible at the same time!) during every single contraction. It was a bonding experience for us. I have never felt so dependent on him as I did then.

He says that he may be traumatised for life but he is already talking about baby no2 so it cant have been that bad.

pamelat · 12/01/2009 19:28

sorry that meant to say that he should want to do whatever she wants him to do.

I realise that what I have typed could be read as his wanting to be there regardless of her wishes. Not what I meant at all.

Although to be honest my DH would be very upset if I asked him to stay away, its his child too.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/01/2009 19:30

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Haribosmummy · 12/01/2009 19:32

Haha! That's what put my DH off... He went through it with my DSDs and said never again.. he was the happiest bloke ever when I signed up for an el CS

I know it's not for everyone but it worked for us!

Is this your first?

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 12/01/2009 19:43

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Katiestar · 12/01/2009 19:54

My brother is very squeamish and felt very ill at the birth of his first 2 children.He actually fainted at the birth of the third and my SIL actually delivered alone while all the midwives were fussing round him.
He was banned from the birth of no 4 !!

cory · 12/01/2009 22:01

It never occurred to either of us that dh wouldn't want to be present. I wanted him there because he is the person I feel closest to and would find it easiest to rely on for support. He wanted to be there to support me, and he wanted to see his baby born. I liked having his company- but then I always do. And I found him a great practical help- particularly when I was having early labour pains in the bath, several doors from any midwife, and the fire alarm went off!

He was also there for the caesarian with ds.

Frankly, I am not over-enthusiastic about blood myself, but noone offered me the chance to opt out (they may provide pain relief, but the don't give you the option ot step out to avoid the mess).

DaddyJ · 13/01/2009 10:16

lol Habbibu
If there was a way for the woman not to be present
while giving birth I would be happy to endorse it!

cory · 13/01/2009 10:19

well, they did try when I had ds: they put up a green screen and a nice man in a white coat did most of the work- bliss! but if they'd let me slope off for a coffee that would have been even better

purplemonkeydishwasher · 13/01/2009 10:32

I'm sorry but any man who is "adament" that he will not be at a birth when his wife wants him there is being a selfish pig.
poor guy. does he think it'll be a bit hard on him? FFS. what does he think his wife will be going through?

he doesn't have to be at the business end. my DH is very very squeamish about blood and in face hates hospitals. but he came because he loves me and wanted to be supportive. stay at the head end. help out where you can. stay silent if she asks. rub her where she needs rubbed.
i can't imagine going through that with ANYONE other than my husband.

frostyfingers · 13/01/2009 10:45

My first delivery was emergency caesarian for twins which was scary. My DH was there at beginning, but when decision was made to operate he was offered the choice of being there and declined. As I had a general it didn't bother me at all, he was there as I came round and saw the babies before they were taken to special care. 2nd time was a long but "normal" delivery, dh was there but not at business end. He found it hard, but when I said he could go if he wanted (what's the point in forcing someone...) he stayed and was a great help. He found it quite distressing, and I was worried for him so would have understood if he'd rather have gone out. A friend of mine had a long, difficult, and messy labour - her DH was there and it worried him so much that they have decided to stick at one child. He was petrified for his wife and really upset by her pain and distress. I think it's always worse for the "onlooker" - whatever the situation, I've had several ops and each time think I found it easier to deal with than DH. When I have been the "onlooker" for his accident, I found it really hard to cope with. In birth, I think the same applies - quite often the mother is in a completely different "place" IYSWIM. However, it should be a joint decision, and whatever the result should be respected - we're all so different.

midnightexpress · 13/01/2009 10:55

Haven't read the whole thread but I think it should be entirely up to the couple and not assumed that the man will be there. I have heard (and I am not stating this as fact) that it can have a negative effect on a relationship for the man to be present if he feels that he can't help. Many nen like to feel that they're the protectors, and seeing someone they love in such pain and being unable to do anything about it can be very traumatic for some men. I don't think that just saying 'oh I have to suffer so you do too' is very helpful or what a partnership should be about.

My DP was at both of my (em CS) deliveries, and tbh, especially with the second delivery, where I laboured to transition and then had a CS, if I could only have one person present, I'd actually have preferred to have had a doula or someone who actually knew what was going on and who might have helped me to have the VBAC I wanted.

chocolatedot · 13/01/2009 11:00

I agree it's up to them and I really don't agree with the dogma that the man "Must" be there. I seriously wish my husband hadn't been present at my first delivery. Michel Odent has some interesting things to say on the subject.

potoroo · 13/01/2009 11:12

I also think that it is up to the couple.
My DH is very calm and collected in stressful situations, and is not at all fazed by anything medical so he was brillant for both my labours.

My father, by all accounts, was a bit useless and so my mother thinks men should be banned from labour (unless they are midwives/doctors)

So I do think DPs/DHs should not be at the birth if they don't want to BUT they should also let their DWs/DPs know well in advance so that suitable labour partner can be found.

knickerelasticjones · 13/01/2009 11:14

I remember an article in the papers a couple of years ago from a "leading doctor" who said that he felt men shouldn't be around for the birth. His reasoning was that for labour to progress best women often need to go into a very introverted state / take themselves off mentally to another place, and men often get in the way of this through no fault of their own, just be their sheer presence.

Interesting point, although I'm not sure if I fully agree.

For me, DH was there for DD1's birth and I'm very glad he was, otherwise I'd have been bored, lonely and scared. It was a long birth which ended up in epidural, episiotomy and forceps.

For DD2's birth DH wasn't there (he was looking after DD1 at the time) and to be honest, I'm quite glad it was just me. It was a homebirth, I felt very relaxed and confident with just me and the midwife. I did mentally take myself off somewhere else - with just the estimable Mr Eddie Mair for company, as I had Radio 4 on throughout.

DH didn't mind not being there - anything people might say about the father needing to be at the birth for bonding is nonsense in my opinion.

This is a bit of a rambling post. But I really do feel that there should be no obligation for both parents to be at the birth (well, perhaps the mother should make an appearance.....) and if both partners are agreed that the father doesn't want to be there - fair enough.

piscesmoon · 13/01/2009 11:30

There was no way I was doing it without DH-never even discussed it-just assumed.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 13/01/2009 11:45

TBH, if you have a woman who is pushing something the size of a melon out of a hole the size of a lemon, and you put it there - you owe it to her to be there if she wants you to!

If only so she can punch you in the nuts

purplemonkeydishwasher · 13/01/2009 11:55

"For me, DH was there for DD1's birth and I'm very glad he was, otherwise I'd have been bored, lonely and scared"

that's a great point actually. FEAR.
it's fucking terrifying to be in THAT much pain. i NEEDED DH there.

PuppyMonkey · 13/01/2009 11:58

Well, my view on this was always: "If I have to be there at the birth, he can jolly well be there as well."

Poledra · 13/01/2009 12:09

See, I'm with those people who said it's up to each couple to decide. I had DH with me for all 3 births and that was great, but actually I would have preferred to have my sister for the second and third births. She knows what's happening and is a very caring empathetic person. DH, bless him, has a more robust style, shall we say? And, given my lengthy labours, he was bored. Now, there is no way he would have left me on my own as I did not want it but I do think he might have been better looking after our other children than being in hospital with me. He isn't squeamish at all, but did struggle with watching me in pain.

The bit I would have had trouble with was that I did like him being the second person to hold each of our DDs .

Haribosmummy · 13/01/2009 12:53

I do think it depends on the sort of birth you want too...

I had an El CS and (and I mean this honestly, I am not being flippant) I honestly didn't care if I was the first, second, third or fourth person to hold my baby.

I just wanted my baby to be healthy.

I actually have no clue if my DH held the baby in the delivery room or not. I know I did. I remember looking his cute little butoon nose (that would be DS, not DH! ) and crying 'He doesn't have my nose'... It seems an absurbed thing to think about upon reflection but I was very happy he had DH's nose...

I blame the drugs

Haribosmummy · 13/01/2009 12:54

button... I have no clue what a butoon nose is!