should the man be present at birth?discussion in work and wondering aibu

[mayorquimby]

basically a woman in my office is expecting, her husband is adament that he will not be in the delivery room. the women in work are discussing it and all in agreement that he is being a pig/dick/selfish/insert as appropriate.
they asked my opinion and i agreed with her husband,apparently i too have now been reduced a few moral pegs.
so was just wondering is it a man vs female thing,or should the father just go along with the mothers wants as it is her who isgoing to be enduring child birth, even if he feels he has very legitimate reasons for his decision?
fwiw my reasons for feeling the fathers presence unnecessary is because a) i would object to the presence of anyone at a medical procedure which can have as many complications as this who is not contributing/necessary for the procedure. while it might be nice to have the support at no other complex medical procedure is this the norm.
b) i have doctor friends who have told me that quite often having the father present can ahve the opposite effect and rather than calm the mother to be,he can increae the stress and panic due to his inexperience. so normal comlecations are greeted with panic from the father which only serves to work up the mother,and expected things like seeing blood only serve to make things worse where as if you only have trained medical professionals in the room these things are dealt with in a calm clinical manner so as not to add to the womans stress.

so was just wondering should such worries and fears be set aside if the wife wants the husband there, or is the man allowed to exercise his own beliefs in such situations?

i know i might get flamed and i accept that it is different for everyone. other doctors i know have been quite vocal in their support of the husband being present if it is what the couple want and accept that it is different for everyone

Good job for me and dp that we are 100% in synch and supportive of each other as he had to deliver our second child himself after the ambulance and midwives failed to arrive in time. He was AMAZING. No other word for it, so calm and he totally gave me the confidence and strength i needed at that moment. I didn't even tear! He was so moved and in tears as he held little DD in his hands as she took her first breath and let out a cry. He says he wouldn't have change a thing about her birth as he will always cherish the memory.

TBH, reading this thread it just brings it home to me how lucky i am. I don't mean to sound smug but imo when you have found your soul mate you couldn't even consider being apart at a moment as special as the birth of a life you have jointly created.

My own homew birth was quite the opposite of a medical procedure- MW arrived late on, everything was ideal tbh.

Indeed I was so deserate for dh to be there after my experiences of him being at my last 3 births that it ws a major reason for it being a home birth (lack of childcare emant hospital would likely mean no DH).

The MW's pulled him aside after and said how great he was- I certainly couldnt imagine labouring without him, he's my partner, advocate, friend and also rather fond of his babies and wants to meet them ASAP.

Actually no dh would've meant no entonox asdh had to show mw how to put mouthpiece on

medical prcedure

see that's why hospitals bring me out in a cold sweat and i need dp there to stop me from legging it out the door! seeing birth as a medical procedure is just wrong.

weidrdly, knowing dp was panicing too was weirdly reassuring when dd's heartbeat practically stopped and the mw started shouting for assistance. knowing he was there and whatever happened we'd be going through it together iyswim.

perosonally i think if the woman wants her husband there, even if he might be useless, then he has an obligation to be there no matter what his personal feeling. the mother doesn't get to opt out of it all if blood upsets her or she's scared... and she's the one to whom it will all be happening so what right has a man to say 'actually dear, i don't think it'll be my cup of tea, get back to me when you've had the infant and it's all nice and clean'

I think if he really doesn't want to be there he shouldn't and I wouldn't want to force someone to come. I do think a well informed birth partner (whether that's mum, sister, DH or whoever) who understands what the mother wants is always a good thing, that's why antenatal classes are just as important for the father as the mother.

I had to have a Crash section with Tink and an emergency GA with Fifi so my OH couldn't be at either birth, although he was waiting outside (dressed for theatre as they were planning on a spinal lol) and heard Fifi cry when she was born. I know he was disappointed and I would have preferred him to be there. In the labour leading up to my sections and the birth of our first baby he was with me and it was good for me for him to be there - as much as he played up by eating and drinking when I was nil-by-mouth or offering to go and get the father (running joke between us ) - and I don't think he would have been anywhere else, in fact I know it as he was taking his turn sitting at his nan's death bed when I went into labour with Fifi and he rushed to be with me.

I think it depends on individuals and no-one should be slated either way

a friend of mine gave birth to one child with her partner and the other child with a woman she knew who'd had lots of children. She found the "doula" birth experience much better than the time she had her partner

If I am ill I like my OH to be near, he had been with me when I've come around from OPs before so I know that he's the one I want there

I dont like my mum being around me when I'm ill - she just winds me up, other people might prefer their mothers than their OHs when they are feeling ill or vulnerable.

My OH wants to be there, if he didn't I'd look else where for a birthing partner because I wouldn't want anyone who was even slightly reluctant

puppymonkey - I agree totally.

I hardly "wanted" to be there. If DH had protested (which I really just cant imagine ????) I would have been very very upset.

bizarre. yes, birth and labour is hard. but if the woman could opt out of it most would! it's what happens to bring a child into the world - the woman's job is to labour, the man's job is to do whatever the woman wants. the mum doesn't get to say 'no thanks, i don't like the sound of that', so why should the man? (assuming that's what the woman wants)

My DH was at the birth through choice ,i cant honestly say that if he had a problem with it and gave me enough notice to find someelse to be there i would of minded if he had decided he didnt want to be there. You need someone who can be 'there' for you and if the father doesnt think they can manage it for what ever reason ,then there are lots of other appropriate people who could be .

Ooops sorry about spelling/grammar

DH cut the cord. It is an experience he will never forget and will always come over all wondrous and googly and softpinkfluffysparkle about. I cannot bear the idea that he might have missed that.

(I wasn't that worried whether he was there or not, at the time, and he spent the whole time down the other end anyway!) So from my point of view, could be there or not. From his, unmissable and unforgettable and truly magical.

DP caught our baby in a towel while I gave birth. I refused to give birth lying down and there was no other midwife available.

It's one of the proudest moments of his life.

I would have problems being in a relationship with a man who refused to be there, unless he had a very good reason.