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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too think this woman has gone a little OTT?

93 replies

Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:36

Bit of background, ds is 12 months and has just started a new nusery this week he goes 2 days.

He has been going to nusery for about 3 months in a lovely little local one which we put him in as an interim thing as hte waiting list for the one we really wanted was massive.

He has always got on well at nursery and settled in really quickly, the only issue there has ever been is that he does bite from time to time when he is teething. He used to do it at home occasionally and we always said no and ignore him for a moment or two and he got alot better and hasnt bitten at home for a good few months.

They also got the hang at his nursery of knowing when he was about to bite and saying no which stopped him. Now we told the new urery all of this before he started and they were quite relaxed about it and said yeah we get biters all the time etc. quite normal at that age.

When i picked him up after his 2nd day yesterday the staff told me they had had a problem with him biting and that he had done it a few times, they said it was good that he understood no and that he always stopped if they managed to catch him before he did it. talked to they about how we managed it at home and said he hadnt done it for a long time maybe he was a little over whelmed with a new nursery with lots more in his group and he is the youngest by about 2/3months so maybe it was all a bit much. They agree with all of this and said they would just keep a closer eye on him.

Anyway this morning i have had a call from his key worker very upset. She said the little girl he bit (they never told us yesterday it was a child)s mother was fuming! She was on the phone to this woman at home all evening with the woman just going nuts, saying things like "well my children are brought up to share" and "we dont need children like that a this nursery" (quite well to do area). She has basically said she will not have her child in at the same time as my little boy. The Nurse said she explained to her this put everyone in a very difficult postition and said she tried to explain to this woman she was going a little OTT.

So i am going in for a chat with keyworker on Monday but what do i do? A child of 12 months dosent bite maliciously FFS! And this silly womans specific comments have really bloody riled me! i Can understand her being upset but what does she expect us to do!!!

Ok have just seen the other biting thread in aibu some maybe i about to get flamed here! but in my defence is i had seen him do it of course i would apologise!

OP posts:
cornsilk · 09/01/2009 10:39

The other woman is a loon.

cornsilk · 09/01/2009 10:39

Oh - so are the nursery for pandering to her.

NAB3lovelychildren · 09/01/2009 10:41

She is being very PFB about her child, as I am sure we all are at times, but she is not within her rights to demand your child doesn't go at the same time.

If the nursery give in to her I would be removing him completely not changing days.

Original poster
Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:44

Absolutly thats what i have just said to dh. Cuz where does it end then as in Sept we want him to start going 3 day and we cant bloody work around this other child.

OP posts:
souperdahrlink · 09/01/2009 10:44

The nursery shouldn't have told you what this other woman was saying! It's up to them to deal with her not you.

cory · 09/01/2009 10:44

What NAB said. It is very upsetting when your child gets hurt- I know this as ds went through a phase of being bitten every day at the CMs and he was really upset about it- but it is the nursery's job to represent the voice of sanity. They should have calmed her down without passing on her comments to you.

cornsilk · 09/01/2009 10:44

Nursery are making a rod for their own backs with this.

Hassled · 09/01/2009 10:45

STick to your guns - there's no reason why you should do anything other than apologise to the girl's mother, if she lets you (which sounds unlikely given that she's a nutter). A 12 month old has no concept of the consequences of his actions - lots of children are biters, and so lots of children get bitten.

TheCrackFox · 09/01/2009 10:46

YANBU. This mother will have a nervous breakdown as the years go by. My DSs have been hit, scratched, bitten etc at nursery and it really is par for the course.

DS2 was a biter (he is 3 now) and I had to watch him like a hawk around other children. Was exhausting.

catsmother · 09/01/2009 10:48

You can't do anyomore than you're already doing ...... reinforcing the "nos", no doubt whilst telling him at the same time that it's wrong to bite, apologising yourself if you're there, which is the polite and considerate thing to do, and, as he gets older, getting him to say sorry as well.

Obviously, if he is still doing this at 2 or 3 then you can start the cause & effect method of trying to deal with it, i.e. he bites, he gets 2 mins on the "naughty" step or "quiet" corner (or whatever you feel happy calling it) - or alternatively, removing a favourite toy. But ...... at 12 months, he is still a complete baby, and doesn't understand the implications of biting at all.

The nursery - if they have the 1st clue about child development - which you'd hope they would have - should obviously be assertive with this stupid precious woman. They really should be rejecting the "children like that" totally because your baby won't be doing this to be malicious. It's not nice when your child is bitten, simply because it hurts you to see them upset, but no-one normal would hold that against a baby. I say that as someone whose child has both bitten, and been bitten in the past. Despite knowing that very young children often do this, with no malice intended, as a parent of a biter you feel mortified, but so long as you are doing everything possible (and age appropriate) to deter this, you have nothing to reproach yourself for no matter how snotty other parents get. At this age you can't do any more.

snowleopard · 09/01/2009 10:51

Could you take him back to the lovely local nursery? It sounds better for him.

Oh and YABU! Biting happens, it's a PITA but if a child gets a habit of it, especially when they're tiny, it's hard to break until they can understand the concept of hurting other people. My DS has been bitten at nursery - of course I expect them to be making an effort to stop it, and they do, but I wouldn't make a big fuss. They have a policy of not saying who bit/hit etc who which is very useful i think.

Bubbaluv · 09/01/2009 10:52

I wonder if the other mother is the one who posted yesterday fuming that mother of the child who bit her daughter should have apologised!
Anyway, OP, don't stress too much about it. There's absolutely nothing you can say or do and chatting with the keyworker is fine if it makes you/her feel better, but basically it's the nutcase mother's problem.
Pretty much every child bites and gets bitten, it's NORMAL - unlike this woman who is clearly doolally!

snowleopard · 09/01/2009 10:53

Damn that was meant to be YANBU of course! doh.

Original poster
Knakard · 09/01/2009 10:56

Tbh i have been so mad at this bloody woman that i hadnt given much thought to the nursey and how badley theyve delt with it. Just felt sorry for them being in the middle (his key worker was crying on phone) to consider its their bloody job to be in the middle!

So what do i say on Monday if they ask for him not to come on thurs pm which i think is what she was hinting at.

OP posts:
rolandbrowning · 09/01/2009 10:57

You sound very reasonable and responsible, and she sounds mad.

Gorionine · 09/01/2009 10:57

Thinking as Bubbaluv

Original poster
Knakard · 09/01/2009 11:01

I thought it was me at first till i read the ages as this child must be older than my ds.

OP posts:
TallulahToo · 09/01/2009 11:06

If the nursery really do exclude a 12month old BABY (let's not forget that's what he is) for biting, do you really want him there with staff of such limited ability / experience? Would check with OFSTED or whoever what they think you should expect to happen.

OR suggest to nursery that, as the lady objects so much, maybe she should have her child in a seperate group of non-aggressive, tired /irritable babies - i.e., ALONE!

blondie80 · 09/01/2009 11:08

sorry kankard, but i don't think the om is bu. i know you've tried your best to stop the biting, but at the same age my dd was the victim of a biter and was physically injured (teeth marks/bruises) because of it. i don't think 12mo is too young for a child to know that they shouldn't bite, they might not understand why but know not to do it.

would you be happy if it was the other way round? you have to see it from the om point of view.

catsmother · 09/01/2009 11:09

If they ask you to remove your child 'cos of this I would create a huge stink.

Banning each child who bites (or for that matter pinches, pushes, slaps or kicks) from a nursery (not high school) would soon mean they'd have no paying customers left at all ...... except maybe the children of this woman who must be the only 100% perfect children on the planet.

It is their job to tell this woman she is being hysterical and unreasonable. Not yours to resolve this - you've done nothing wrong.

nailpolish · 09/01/2009 11:11

you say the other nursery was lovely - why not just let him stay there?

this woman sounds like a fool. one day the shoe will be on the other foot and she will feel very ashamed

this happened to me - my dd scratched her dd and the woman went absolutely crazy

the next week - her dd ripped a chunk of hair out of a little boys head. she didnt have a fucking leg to stand on and had her tail between her legs for weeks

Original poster
Knakard · 09/01/2009 11:12

Ok then Blondie what do i do to stop it? By the way my ds has been shoved over a nursery before so i know how it feels.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 09/01/2009 11:13

why not let him stay at the smaller local nursery? they sounded nice

PuppyMonkey · 09/01/2009 11:13

Ahhhh, two threads the same.... ? I thought I was going mad....

catsmother · 09/01/2009 11:16

Blondie ...... it is awful whenever your child is hurt - we all appreciate that - and when it's at the hands of another child, as opposed to an accident, then yes, it hurts more because it's natural to feel protective of them.

But as long as the mother of the biter is apologetic and doing all she can to stop it, what more can you expect ? Either the (extremely young) biter lives like a hermit or they wear a muzzle.

My daughter has been bitten in the past - but she has also done her fair share of biting, and TBH, it was when she was older than merely a year. I did everything I could to deter her and I never dismissed any other parent's upset as unimportant. I felt dreadful about it because I'd experienced both sides but you simply cannot demonise such a young child, who, remember, will barely be walking or talking.

No-one expects the other mother to be happy but this is part and parcel of life. If Kankard was encouraging her baby to do this or not bothering to reprimand him that would be entirely different, but she's obviously very aware of the situation and how to deal with it.

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