Too think this woman has gone a little OTT?

[Knakard]

Bit of background, ds is 12 months and has just started a new nusery this week he goes 2 days.

He has been going to nusery for about 3 months in a lovely little local one which we put him in as an interim thing as hte waiting list for the one we really wanted was massive.

He has always got on well at nursery and settled in really quickly, the only issue there has ever been is that he does bite from time to time when he is teething. He used to do it at home occasionally and we always said no and ignore him for a moment or two and he got alot better and hasnt bitten at home for a good few months.

They also got the hang at his nursery of knowing when he was about to bite and saying no which stopped him. Now we told the new urery all of this before he started and they were quite relaxed about it and said yeah we get biters all the time etc. quite normal at that age.

When i picked him up after his 2nd day yesterday the staff told me they had had a problem with him biting and that he had done it a few times, they said it was good that he understood no and that he always stopped if they managed to catch him before he did it. talked to they about how we managed it at home and said he hadnt done it for a long time maybe he was a little over whelmed with a new nursery with lots more in his group and he is the youngest by about 2/3months so maybe it was all a bit much. They agree with all of this and said they would just keep a closer eye on him.

Anyway this morning i have had a call from his key worker very upset. She said the little girl he bit (they never told us yesterday it was a child)s mother was fuming! She was on the phone to this woman at home all evening with the woman just going nuts, saying things like "well my children are brought up to share" and "we dont need children like that a this nursery" (quite well to do area). She has basically said she will not have her child in at the same time as my little boy. The Nurse said she explained to her this put everyone in a very difficult postition and said she tried to explain to this woman she was going a little OTT.

So i am going in for a chat with keyworker on Monday but what do i do? A child of 12 months dosent bite maliciously FFS! And this silly womans specific comments have really bloody riled me! i Can understand her being upset but what does she expect us to do!!!

Ok have just seen the other biting thread in aibu some maybe i about to get flamed here! but in my defence is i had seen him do it of course i would apologise!

Blondie, at 12 months they just bite as another way of investigating thier surroundings (like touching everything, picking things up, sticking thier fingers in everything) there is no malice involved.
They also bite things to relieve teething pain. It's unfortunate that sometime that "thing" might be a person, but it doesn't mean that there is any cruel intent involved. Surely you can understand that? At 1 they are not capable of knowing that they are hurting the other child. That's not opinion, that's widely understood science.

I totally agree you are entitled to your opinion, but if you think the mother is not doing enough to prevent the child biting, maybe you could come up with some ideas of what she should be doing?

He is 12 motnhs old FFS. He is not even old enough to know that it hurts others, or to do it maliciously. The woman is clearly crazy.
Parent of non biters who have been bitten in the past and can understand the upset the other parent may feel

cory, as stated before (now on several occassions) these are my opinions/experiences, you may say they are 'rubbish and nonsense' but just because you disagree with me does not mean i am wrong and you are right.

in regard to your last post and the comments regarding your family, i have never spoken to you before - therefore have never made any suggestions about your family background and quite frankly don't quite get what you are trying to say.

i have not had a 'smug' attitude throughout this thread (or at least never meant to come across like i have)

oh pipe down the other mum is not "clearly crazy" she is understandably upset her dd bitten.

exhibiting a disproportionate response yes
crazy no

Blondie, we are all fine with you having an opinion, but we are just waiting for you to tell us WHY you think this and What you think could be done differently.

would just also like to point out - i have never stated that a 12mo old would bite out of malice to intentionally hurt another.

Only read page 1 so don't flame me lol.

Had this with my DS many many moons ago at nursery..
Bit someone, turns out they were poking his face so he bit their finger.
Kids eh.

The comments regarding my family was not to say that you had made any suggestions re my particular family background. But I did understand you to say that if a child is biting at 12 months there is something wrong.

SO I wanted to point out that there was nothing wrong with me. I was a healthy normal child, I had a happy family, firm and consistent parenting, everything you would think would produce a well behaved child. As eventually it did. But not at 12 months. I was too little to understand, that was the only thing wrong.

Blondie, you said
"but at 12mo he must bite for a reason and it needs to be sorted out."

If that reason is just to relieve teething pain then what do you suggest should be done to "Sort if out".

The smug attitude referred to is "if a child behaves in this way it must be due to inadequate parenting".

This implies that any child brought up by the speaker could not possibly behave in this way.

I have heard several Mums state this clearly, only to become very embarrassed months later when their own child started playing up.

I am still asking you to tell the OP how to fix it. Because if you can't tell her, then we don't know that you would know what to do in a similar situation, and then it seems rather unfair to blame her for not knowing what to do.

Cor blimey..glad i said i didn't read any of the posts, cos i have read them all now out of nosiness..

Blondie, your opinion doesn't have to be the same as everyone else's - no, of course it doesn't - but as you clearly feel very strongly about your opinion, you must carry that opinion for some reason ?

You believe the mother isn't doing "enough" - that is your opinion. Yet you also say you cannot offer her advice as you "don't know the situation". Which is something of a contradiction surely ?

To state that someone isn't doing "enough" indicates there are things you believe she is failing to do. I sure would love to know what these things are.

Goodness knows how I am being "aggressive". I haven't suggested you stop contributing to this thread, let alone suggest you stop coming onto the site - which is what you've suggested to me. Nor have I once said that you are not entitled to your opinion .....

.... I am simply bemused that someone who holds such a strong opinion doesn't feel able to validate it. I have explained - rightly or wrongly - why I believe a 12 month old baby is incapable of deliberate and premeditated nastiness to another child, yet you still haven't explained how the mother concerned is failing in her duty to try and stop this. Not that you have to explain yourself of course, but given that your opinion is likely to cause some distress to the lady who originally posted the thread (by suggesting she is being complacent, irresponsible or whatever) when she's probably already feeling bad it would be considerate of you to at least suggest where she's going wrong.

You must be a bad mother Saphire

Blondie, Once and for all... What would you do if you went to pick up your child (12mo)and were told that she had bitten someone? How would you address that?

I do think the other mum is being OTT. I am lucky enough, as is DD, to have never experienced DD being bitten or hurt by another child, no doubt we will experience it at some point.

DD is now 13.5mo and at about 12mo she started biting, pinching and hitting, luckily for DH and I she does not do it to others only to us (no so lucky for Dh and I lol)
We tell her no and use distraction with her. It is slowly getting through.

I would be mortified if DD bit or hurt another child.

My brother was a seriously baaaaad biter and did it as he got older and knew better (He was a sod and a half as a child) he is now a lovely grown up (well sometimes ) 27 year old adult.

cory, the quote you refer to is not mine i have never said that.

catsmother, i do feel strongly about my opinion, i don't think it is unreasonable for a parent to want to have to protect their child if their child is being hurt.

i said i don't know the situation because it's true. i don't know how the mother shows her ds that biting is wrong. which in fact it is wrong and not just an acceptable stage that all children go through. if the problem is teething then there are teething rings, gel etc to relieve pain.

Blondie, How old are your DCs? You are really making me laugh now!

its truly tedious when threads descend into you said/she said cut and paste mêlée

can we stick to thread

Am imagining OP sittin gher baby down and saying.
"Now look here, biting is wrong. If your mouth hurst please use an approriate teething device or go to an adult for some teething gel."

LOL!!!

the nursery should be watching the children better IMHO. They should have a plan in place to deter OP's DS from biting (bearing in mind he is just a baby.) This is a nursery failure nothing to do with anyone else.
Some children are aggressive and all you can do as a parent is watch them and deal with it. Nursery v. unprofessional. Would start alarm bells ringing TBH.

Blondie there will always be children at nursery who present challenges to your child. My DD (4.5) was terrified by a boy at her nursery who is loud, alot bigger and has autism. Her nursery did alot of work building her confidence around him - he hit her a few times {she says}

Just before Christmas she said: "xxxxx is my friend now. If you are nice to him, he is nice back." She learnt something from the situation. It's called growing up - and it can't always be a "nice" experience.

Aggressive? at 1?

Blondie,I said that was an implied statement. Implied in: "if a 12mo is still biting after being told it's wrong, in whatever manner, a few times, the op is not doing everything she can".

Otherwise, what catsmother said.

You are blaming the OP for not knowin what to do if confronted with situation X. This implies either that you do know (in which case, why would you be so unhelpful as to keep this information to yourself?) or that you do not know (in which case, how can you blame her for not knowing?).

My own attitude is as follows: the OP should, and does, do what she can but cannot be expected to manage her ds at a distance due to the short term memory of a 12month old. IT is the job of the nursery staff to keep an eye on him, to intervene in case of warning signs, and to discipline him when an incident occurs. They seem to be strangely floored by this, which makes me wonder how experienced they really are.

Not that biting is something every child has to go through- ds never did, my brothers never did- but it is common enough for nursery staff to have developed a few strategies.

No-one has said it's unreasonable for a parent to feel protective towards their child.

My daughter has come home from nursery at the age of 4 with pinch marks and scratches on her face and arms. That makes me furious because I obviously don't want her to be hurt. No parent would. However, whilst it could never be described as a happy situation, I was satisfied that both the nursery and the mother of the child concerned were taking the right steps in monitoring this and dealing with it when it arose. Had it escalated (either by continuing for a long time, or by getting more ferocious), or had they been dismissive of it, then I would have been extremely angry but these things do happen amongst young children (a lot older than the baby in question) and you have to allow some time for them to be sorted out.

On the other hand, my daughter hasn't been an angel either. She has behaved spitefully and whether this was off the cuff or in reaction to something else I don't know as I wasn't there. FWIW, I felt mortified - partly because some people can be so judgemental, but also because I understood 1st hand how the other mother must be feeling. I have reinforced all the messages about behaving respectfully and kindly to others, with threats of "sanctions" if it happens again and asked the other mother to tell me instantly the moment something untoward happened so I was kept fully in the picture. The other mother actually thanked me for fronting up to her about it and showing an obvious willingness to sort it out ..... which, thankfully, seems to have been done. But these things are rarely sorted instantly and the other mother in this particular case is being over the top by threatening to remove her child after a single incident and without any opportunity to rectify matters.

I know I keep repeating myself but the child here is a baby. You really can't reason with a baby in the same way you can with a child even a year older - who would still be quite obviously very immature even then. The mother said in her 1st post that when her baby had bitten at home a few months previously (so maybe 8 or 9 months) they had said no and ignored him briefly. There really isn't very much more she can do and yes, if teething is a current issue, I am sure she has tried gels & rings, but if he was still biting, the only thing left to her then, at least for now (& until he develops the intellectual capacity for reasoning and empathy etc) - apart from apologising when necessary and repeating the "no" message - is one of close observation and intervention when it looks like he is about to bite. And that of course would fall upon the nursery staff when he is there.

For the last time, no-one would ever claim this is a desirable thing but it is normal in so far that many children do go through something like this and the vast majority of them, with responsible parenting (and at no stage has the mother said anything to suggest she is irresponsible) and guidance just as quickly stop doing it as well.

The nursery's job to sort this. They should tell the other mother it's up to her whether she keeps her child there or not. They should not be putting pressure on you because your child has bitten once. Otherwise are they going to have to expel every child who goes near her PFB?

I wouldn't apologise to the the mother either. You weren't there. Why does she need apologising too - all that needs to happen is her child needs to be comforted and yours needs to be reminded not to bite. Further action only need to be taken if her child is constantly singled out by another.

I would however ask the nursery whether they keep the names of biters anonymous. This is essential really as some parents do go a bit loopy when their child is hurt. Our nursery had an incident book, you were told your child had been hurt and how, not who did it. And you had to sign.

My children were not biters btw. So I am coming from the 'victim' (stupid word for a bunch of kids) side.

BTW to a young child - biting is just the same as a push or a grab. A way of getting what you want, or a way of exploring reactions. To suggest a 12 month old should know that biting is 'bad' is plain daft.