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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For totally cutting out mother in law until she quits smoking?

81 replies

Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:00

My mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer in October. She has been a big smoker for 40+ years.
She was thrown a lifeline by the surgeons a lobectomy to remove part of her lung to rid of the cancer - as long as she quit smoking. She quit (or as we thought) and she had the operation last month.
She is still very ill from the operation, but I have had suspisions all along that she hasnt stopped. The other week me and DH thought we had caught her, she denied it - went hysterical and ordered us to apologise - to which we did.

However, yesterday father in law told us that she is still smoking and never stopped. She his it from him too, but now she is too ill to go the shops herself she confessed and now he is buying fags for her

Me and DH are so upset from this, we dont know what to do. The doctors have stated that if she continues to smoke her new small lung will not be able to cope and the cancer will most definately return

So, me and DH and DS are refusing to see her until she quits - AIBU?

OP posts:
makemineagecko · 03/01/2009 21:03

Yes, I do think YABU, although I can understand your hurt and frustration.

This lady is clearly addicted if she has been advised she is putting her life at risk but still cannot stop.

memoo · 03/01/2009 21:04

you are being very unreasonable.

Of course she is being very stupid to carry on smoking but it certainly isn't going to help the situation if you fall out with her. Infact the upset will probably make her smoke even more.

She needs your help and support!

southeastastra · 03/01/2009 21:04

the alan carr book is really good, so are patches and inhalers, has she ever tried any substitutes?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2009 21:06

YABU

scifinerd · 03/01/2009 21:08

YABU, smoking is meant to be more addictive than heroin. It is incredibly hard to stop and she needs your help now more than ever. Plus is she doesn't make it you will regret not spending what time she had left with her.

ilovelovemydog · 03/01/2009 21:08

Not sure that it would make a massive difference at this stage, her quitting, and really not worth falling out about as she is sooo ill

My grandfather took his oxygen tanks outside when he was in hospital so he could have a cigarette

glastocat · 03/01/2009 21:08

YABU

MadamDeathstare · 03/01/2009 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wrinklytum · 03/01/2009 21:09

Oh dear this is such a tricky one.

I can relate to your worry and anger as my own dp who previously smoked. became very ill last year,and though not smoking caused his illness did affect his breathing.He stopped smoking for a year but recently he started again and has consequently ended uo being rehospitalised over NY with a CI and breathing issues.[ANGRY]He has sworn that he will not restart now.I think he was feeling quite low/stressed before Christmas and that was what made him start again.He has a chronic condition

I think that it is a bit harsh to refuse to see her,but wonder if your father in law could get the GP to prescribe her some nicotine patches and to try the NHS smoking cessation programme,as a first port of call.Do you think she would be amenable to this.?

LucyEllensmummy · 03/01/2009 21:09

Yes, sorry, you are being unreasonable, but i completely sympathise. My father died from lung cancer which was a blessesd release from the dementia he developed due to smoking. It was just terrible to watch him waste away and become a non person - i HATE smoking, i always have done even before it took my dad away from me. Now i want to rip cigarrettes from peoples hands and scream at them when i see them smoking. I just can't understand it. My mother still smokes, she knows how much i hate it and does try to reduce the amount she smokes around me (wish she had done that in the fucking car when i was a child!). But to be honest, your MIL is a grown woman and she has been told the risks. Its her body and tbh, if being told that she will die if she doesn't stop then you cutting her out of your lives is not going to make any difference. Its her life at the end of the day.

Maybe your DH could write her a letter telling her how much this upsets him but be clear that he will always be there for him, maybe tell her that he needs his mum a while longer (guilt trips often work with mums )

Good luck - i wish you both strength

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 21:10

YABU,you can still love someone but loathe their choice.you need to differentiate person from unsavoury choices

she is a scared lady who need her family
this isnt time for tough love

backalleysally · 03/01/2009 21:13

YABU. This poor woman can't even manage to stop smoking when she has already had part of her lung removed! That is how addicted she is. You are not going to help her by cutting her out of your life. Have some empathy FGS.

sleepyeyes · 03/01/2009 21:14

YABU and your probably causing her extreme stress (in turn making her smoke more!) in a time when she needs you most to be caring and supportive.
If her illness is fatal how will you feel knowing that you refused to see her, support and care for her during this awful time?

I say this as someone whom has never smoked and the grand-daughter to someone who died of lung cancer. My grandad also continued to smoke will dying of lung cancer, there is no way I could bully a very ill person to do something that is an addiction. Why dont you try supporting her and help her find another way to give up?

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 21:15

what help has she been offered originally to stop smoking? Some gp practices are really good and others really bad at helping with stopping smoking.

When they have tested her carbon levels what happened then? if she was still smoking it would show?

littleboyblue · 03/01/2009 21:15

My nan was diagnosed with lung cancer 8 years ago and was told she'd have to give up if she wanted to live longer than 6 weeks. She didn't stop smoking, also refused treatment and lived for 11 months.
Her way of thinking was that by the time the lubg cancer had get her, it was too late to doa nything about it and she may as well enjoy herself while she was still here.
It is frustrating and awfully upsetting to watch though isn't it? But you MIL is a grown woman and is capable of making her own decisions IMO.
I won't comment on whether I think YABU or not, but I would say, try to see it from her point of view. She has smoked for that long, what good would giving up now really do? Once cancer gets into vital organs.........
I would personally allow her to get all the joy she can from being with every member of her family for however long she has.

flaminhell · 03/01/2009 21:19

Jesus H Christ, so she gets the BIG C, scared to death no doubt, then has major op, still more scared than many of us could imagine, and you are not talking to her because she is reacting to a life or death situation the only way she knows how, by smoking through it.

YABU do not judge, do not condemn, try and understand, and just an added note, your dh should be helping his mother out just now, not standing beside you with your condemnation, you sound like a right Biatch!!

Shame on you.

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 21:19

the emphasis now is closure,reflection,prepare for transition and mortality.not hectoring about smoking

cheekster you too are suffering,scared and experiencing a knee jerk reaction.Angry at the thing (fags) taking a loved lady away.so make the thing go away problem solved.sadly,not really

do seek out support groups for carers/family.help you through this difficult time

ItsGrimUpNorth · 03/01/2009 21:25

Yeah, I think you're being hard. I realise you're desperately trying to think of ways to make her stop but only she can do that ultimately.

They spend millions on making fags the most addictive things ever. It's quite wicked.

Your MIL needs a lot of support. She must be scared witless and cigarettes will have been a prop for her for years now.

Maybe sit down together and try to make a plan to stop smoking.

hester · 03/01/2009 21:25

Sorry, I do understand how upsetting this is for you, but I do agree with the other posts. This is not a time for distancing yourself.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:27

Thanks everyone for your comments

In response to those saying that stopping smoking now wont help - thats quite the opposite. The operation she has had, has removed the cancer, so now she has a much smaller lung. The doctors have stated that under no circumstances must she start smoking again as her small lung cannot take it and the cancer will definately return - that were the condition of the operation.

I know deep down that I am being unreasonable but we are at the end of our tether. We dont know what to do. She says patches etc dont work, when dh and father in law had a heart to heart it didnt seem to take any affect and she just stated - 'So what if I die.'

We dont know what else to do, just hoping that if we refuse to go see her she may realise what she is doing to us.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 21:29

do attend family support group.help you deal with your understandable anger and shock

take care

MilkMonitor · 03/01/2009 21:29

Don't refuse to see her! Don't alienate her. She's ill and frightened. Be kind. Help her as best you can. God, you sound really judgemental when you could be loving and kind.

backalleysally · 03/01/2009 21:37

Cheekster- She has to WANT to give up. If you keep going on at her she is likely to just dig her heels in even more.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:39

Just read the comment from flaminhell

All I have to say is I expected a little more support/advice than that. Not name calling!

Thanks to everyone else who are obviously trying to see what we are going through

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 21:42

i completely understand your anger and fear.we are all irrational when scared.ignore name calling

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