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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For totally cutting out mother in law until she quits smoking?

81 replies

Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:00

My mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer in October. She has been a big smoker for 40+ years.
She was thrown a lifeline by the surgeons a lobectomy to remove part of her lung to rid of the cancer - as long as she quit smoking. She quit (or as we thought) and she had the operation last month.
She is still very ill from the operation, but I have had suspisions all along that she hasnt stopped. The other week me and DH thought we had caught her, she denied it - went hysterical and ordered us to apologise - to which we did.

However, yesterday father in law told us that she is still smoking and never stopped. She his it from him too, but now she is too ill to go the shops herself she confessed and now he is buying fags for her

Me and DH are so upset from this, we dont know what to do. The doctors have stated that if she continues to smoke her new small lung will not be able to cope and the cancer will most definately return

So, me and DH and DS are refusing to see her until she quits - AIBU?

OP posts:
pointydog · 03/01/2009 22:43

that's understandable, cheekster

southeastastra · 03/01/2009 22:44

please get her the alan carr book cheekster it does get through to smokers

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:45

I will defo buy the alan carr book, thanks for that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:47

Just looking for the alan carr book now, which is it exactly?

OP posts:
evaangel · 03/01/2009 22:48

I totally understand your frustration

its the same as an alcholic carrying on drinking after a liver transplant

southeastastra · 03/01/2009 22:48

his video is good too i hope you will help her

pooka · 03/01/2009 22:50

Not seeing her is a horrible idea.

I can see that your dh feels that it might prompt her to give up. But she sounds so completely addicted that even lung cancer and being desperately ill has not helped.

Support is key. Pressure along the lines of "well we wont see you then" will not help.

And even if she cannot give up I think that you just have to accept that and be there for her, however hard that will be.

The alternative is to cut her off and then perhaps live with desperate guilt at not being there for her if she dies.

evaangel · 03/01/2009 22:50

what about the patches, could she not use them?

I have stopped 8 years now,bad chest infection and patches helped me

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 22:52

just alan carr stop smoking - the book states that the person reading doesn't stop smoking until they have finished the book.

It does go on quite a bit about how the person feels etc which may be a bit not quite right for your mil - as she is feeling like shite from her illness. But the book talks about how the smoker is trapped etc.

theyu do also do alna carr courses they are about 150 pounds and the only centers I know are bristol and london

after you do the day course you dont smoke and get your money back if you do.

what about hypnotherapy - my mate had that and it did work for 7 months, is that worth a try? she siad after it was like she had never smoked in the first place.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:53

She says the patches dont work, but TBH I dont think she wants to stop - she even said that herself. I think you need to be in the right frame of mind to stop smoking and she definately isnt.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 03/01/2009 22:55

smoking is a big bastard trap, i have been trapped for 20 years

evaangel · 03/01/2009 22:56

yep it does take an awful lot of willpower

dh still smokes and I wonder why I ever did, the smell turns my stomach now

lilolilmanchester · 03/01/2009 22:56

My Dad died of lung cancer, but some 15 years after he stopped smoking. I can see why you are frustrated and angry. I would be firm with her but I suspect threatening not to see her won't stop her smoking after all this time and the wake-up call she should have had with her diagnosis. To be honest, and harsh, there is a low recovery rate from lung cancer. Cutting her off could mean that your DH and DS will be extremely guilty if she dies and they have lost contact.
Hope you understand that I am posting in such a direct way to try to give you another point of view. I feel for you all, it's a difficult time xxx

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 22:57

www.stopsmokingshop.co.uk/directory/Category/allen-carr/

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 22:58

two seperate issues 1 smoking and MIL identity as smoker and 2 her grief/shock at her diagnosis, cancer DX is terrifying.maybe she is clinging to last vestiges of herself as she was pre CA

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 23:00

Your all probably right, cutting her off will only make the situation worse but we definately need some time apart. (we visit every day)

Id hate to hear DH say something he would regret, I think we need time to reflect. I just hope when we do go to see her, she doesnt smoke infront of us, that would hurt.

OP posts:
jammydodger · 03/01/2009 23:05

The Alan Carr book is The easy way to stop Smoking. It's very very good. You can smoke while you read it so not as offputting as some others...Then you find that half-way through the book, you don't really want to smoke any more.
It's amazing and simple, really.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 23:08

Right, Ive found the 'Allen' Carr book.

I wondered why I kept coming up with Alan Carr's autobiography

OP posts:
lilolilmanchester · 03/01/2009 23:21

To be honest, if a lung cancer diagnosis hasn't stopped her smoking, not sure a book will.... (but would give it a go in the same situation just in case it does the trick)

overweightnoverdrawn · 04/01/2009 14:00

I know it sounds a crazy idea but Alan Carr have centres where you go to seminar type things . Very good . (went 3 yes 3 times but now free of fags for 6 months after smoking 25/30 fags a day for 26 years ) Have you thought of telephonong one of the centres Raynes Park have one and asking them for suggestions maybe they would have an idea that you hadnt thought of . If you dont see her the cancer wins twice .It gets her and your family . Best of luck I can imagine how frustrating it is .

tinseltot · 04/01/2009 19:27

Cheekster, i can see your point and yanbu imo.

Your MIL's level of selfishness is shocking. She should not have accepted NHS funds and had the operation if she had no intention of quitting despite being warned the op would be a failure unless she did. Other people waiting for the same op (with better intentions than MIL's) will have had their ops delayed as a esult of her pursuing treatment. lets hope this did not prejudice outlook for them.

i feel very sorry for you and your husband. I hope you are able to be there for and support each other. It must be devastating for your husband to have to watch his mother fritter her life way. i can quite see why he would choose not to be a spectator.

xx

macmam · 04/01/2009 20:07

YABVVVU. Smoking 40+ years! Dashed hard to stop after 2 years never mind 40. Enjoy time you have left with her...however she wants to spend it.

Original poster
Cheekster · 04/01/2009 22:25

Thanks tinseltot you have hit it on the head, exactly how I feel. Everyone seems to think that I am the selfish one, but surely MIL is being more selfish than me. She is risking her own life greatly and her opinion is 'so what' when she is hurting us all so much.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 04/01/2009 22:33

YABU. I know it's frustrating but she probably needs your support not criticsm at the moment.

Nyx · 05/01/2009 00:44

Well, the thing is, the 'so what' is defensive imo. She probably simply doesn't know what else to say to stop folk telling her to stop smoking, she probably feels that she's backed herself into a corner and doesn't have anything else to say to 'shut you all up'. It is so, so easy to tell someone to stop smoking, and so so not easy to stop. She can't imagine herself being a non-smoker even for one day. She is in a catch-22, she knows she is coming across as very selfish and even that she is being very selfish, but she probably truly believes that she can't stop, even for one day.

I feel bad for all concerned, your MIL and for you and your DH. It's a sad situation

I too would recommend the Alan Carr book - it's called 'The Easyway to Stop Smoking'. It's short, easy to read and not boring, and (shock, horror) it actually works! Even on me I would recommend that you read it too, actually, as it really does in my opinion offer a true view of how a smoker sees things.

Best of luck to your family x

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