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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For totally cutting out mother in law until she quits smoking?

81 replies

Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:00

My mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer in October. She has been a big smoker for 40+ years.
She was thrown a lifeline by the surgeons a lobectomy to remove part of her lung to rid of the cancer - as long as she quit smoking. She quit (or as we thought) and she had the operation last month.
She is still very ill from the operation, but I have had suspisions all along that she hasnt stopped. The other week me and DH thought we had caught her, she denied it - went hysterical and ordered us to apologise - to which we did.

However, yesterday father in law told us that she is still smoking and never stopped. She his it from him too, but now she is too ill to go the shops herself she confessed and now he is buying fags for her

Me and DH are so upset from this, we dont know what to do. The doctors have stated that if she continues to smoke her new small lung will not be able to cope and the cancer will most definately return

So, me and DH and DS are refusing to see her until she quits - AIBU?

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 21:43

If her attitude is " so what if I die" then you refusing to see her will be "they will be sorry when i am dead"

You stopping from seeing her is not going to stop her smoking.

I she is still smoking after major surgery and having cancer of the lungs is a death sentance and she was given a repreave she is not going tostop now ater knowing all that.

It isn't about you, it isn't in her mind what she is doing to you and your family it is about her addiction.

Sadly it looks like she will have a nasty death and it will be nasty - perhpas she is still thinking that smoking only gives other a nasty death.

She really needs you as a family, hope somehow you and your dp can get through this hurtful and nasty time along with FIL.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:43

I think youre right backalleysally thats why we want to just give her some time to herself, to decide what she really wants.

We really dont want a huge row, there has been no cross words at all through this. But me and dh have decided to just give her some time and ourselves, we dont want to say anything we will regret.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 21:58

Has anyone else been in a similar situation.

I know not seeing her is the wrong thing to do, but what do we do - feel so helpless.

What do you do when MIL states 'So what if I die'

DH is so upset by it and often in tears (which is so unlike him). FIL, is often at our house upset with frustration where he has to leave the house due to her being so stubborn, I feel as if they come to me for answers - and I have none! I also have a 6 month old ds to think about in this situation too.

To add to the situation MIL also refuses to eat. She weighs under 7 stone.

Advice please

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 03/01/2009 22:02

Does the cancer unit she attends have any kind of psychological counselling/support on offer?Our local one has one with psychologists and the like.

Another point of contact could be to access Cancerbackup.They have a website and also a freephone number that is available for patients and relatives alike for all sorts of advice on different aspects of living with cancer xx HTH

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 22:05

cheekster,as i said family support ask wd staff or macmillan nurse for referral

Portofino · 03/01/2009 22:09

Sorry - I'm with flamiinghell here. She is your MIL. She is a grown up. She will do what she will do. If you don't like her then fair enough. Otherwise, it is her life and it is not on to impose your own moral judgements upon her. Especially if she is terminally ill.

And I speak as someone whose father is currently drinking himself to death. He will not be helped, but that doesn't mean i don't love him.

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 22:12

Look at Macmillan carers support also liaise with ward staff for support groups

peer support,and exploration of how you feel and were to put your feelings will be invaluable

Thomcat · 03/01/2009 22:13

Refusing to see her until she quits, a grown up, ill, addicted woman - ?? Really?

Well you ask are you being unreasonable. In my opinion, yes, very, and I feel saddened by it too.

flaminhell · 03/01/2009 22:14

Oh you want moral support and advice, but for your MIL whom could quiet possible die, you give what exactly, condemnation and what can only be seen as bullying, no sorry you asked and you got, as for name calling, please I could use a lot worse to describe a woman who turns their back on another in their hour of need, you are in the wrong, and I only hope you dont live to regret it.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:18

But the thing is, she is not terminally ill anymore, she has had an operation to cure her from the cancer but she is throwing it back in our faces - and back at the surgeons and nurses who cared for her.

And I too love my MIL very much, she can be a lovely woman. But I am not willing to see her kill herself infront of my own eyes, or DH and DS's eyes either.

OP posts:
LobstersLass · 03/01/2009 22:18

So she won't try to stop smoking, and she won't eat. It sounds to me like she wants to die. Refusing to go and see her is not going to help.

Imagine how you're going to feel if she does die. Will you be proud that you stopped going to see her?

LaDiDaDi · 03/01/2009 22:19

YABU and your actions are not helping anybody, including your dh who will now have a lot of guilt if his mother dies at a time when contact was cut off.

The refusal to eat as well makes me concerned that shemay also be feeling very depressed and need mental health assessment and support. Please try to access this for her rather than turning away from her because she is not responding to her situation as you think that she should.

ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 22:19

is it really necessary to be so mean.you know grief and anger at horrid do elicit emotive and irrational responses.cheeker has had bad news and chose to ask on AIBU..

well aibu isnt that kind place maybe not best place for reflective musings about CA

BUT ease up with the personal attacks.she is suffering too

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 22:20

You three need to support each other - your FIL and your dp need to be together and able to support each other through this.

In some way you have to come to terms with the fact and accept that this person is who she is and she is slowly killing herself.

So much about death goes unspoken though, you need to talk to your dp and try to support him and in turn he will hopefully be able to support his father.

Your baby will be none the wiser, he will not unfortunatley know what he has missed and therefore not miss her if that makes sense.

If they come to you for answers it is a case of acceptance, yes she loves them both and they will have to accept she cant help herself.

Accept they way she is and give her support - that is the only answer you can give they have to find away to accept the situaton.

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:20

Scottishmummy you are being an absolute star, I will definatly check those out and speak to FIL about them. Thanks a lot

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 03/01/2009 22:21

i completely understand were you are at.been there too

southeastastra · 03/01/2009 22:21

the alan carr book is very good, he smoked around 60 a day, it's a book that somehow manages to get inside a smokers head and knock sense into it.

sorry for your situation

LaDiDaDi · 03/01/2009 22:22

She is not "throwing it back in your faces". This seems to imply that she is smoking in the knowledge that it will imminently kill her just to spite her family and those who have cared for her.

Ask yourself if her behaviour seems to be that of a rational woman? No?? Well perhaps she is addicted and depressed and needs more specialist help?

wrinklytum · 03/01/2009 22:22

www.cancerbackup.org.uk

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2009 22:23

she isn't throwing it back in your faces - this isn't a personel attack on you your fil or your dp she cant help what she is doing but it certainly isn't throwing it at you.

Please please dont take it personel.

pointydog · 03/01/2009 22:24

ONly read op. YABU. It's all very sad and very frustrating for you, i can completely understand that. But ultimately it has to be mil's decision. It's teh wrong decision but there is nothing to gain by cutting her out. Accept her and her faults and leave her the pleasure and privilege of family.

kiddiz · 03/01/2009 22:31

I think you're being a little harsh Flaminhell. I think that op hopes by refusing to see her mil it will shock her into giving up smoking. Admittedly her tactics are unlikely to work given that a good old look over the pearly gates hasn't done the trick. But I think her actions are motivated by concern for her mil and not out of a wish to condemn her for her inability to give up smoking. I think op will have got the message that she is being unreasonable but I for one believe that her actions, although misguided, were for the right reasons.

southeastastra · 03/01/2009 22:34

i would try to encourage her to use nicotine replacement patches though. better in the blood rather than the lungs. nicotine is the stuff that makes smokers addicted

scifinerd · 03/01/2009 22:37

I do feel for you OP, cancer is destructive and not just as a disease but to family too. It dos sound to me like your MIL is possibly very depressed and scared especially with the not eating. I absolutely second getting help from Macmillan nurses, they are amazing. I don't think the smoking can be tackled until your MIL is in a better place mentally. Will your MIL be recptive to help and counselling?

Original poster
Cheekster · 03/01/2009 22:40

Just to add, I have not and would never stop DH from seeing his mum. He suggested it.

TBH I dont see us going through with it anyway, we are too close a family. We havent even told her that we dont want to see her, Infact we havent said a single word to upset her (maybe dhs heart to heart may have upset her but he said nothing malicious)

I think it is just one of those crazy ideas when you dont know what else to do. I think DH suggested as he cannot bare to see his ill mother smoking when he knows it is killing her. As he states 'each one is another nail in her coffin'

OP posts: