For totally cutting out mother in law until she quits smoking?

[Cheekster]

My mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer in October. She has been a big smoker for 40+ years.
She was thrown a lifeline by the surgeons a lobectomy to remove part of her lung to rid of the cancer - as long as she quit smoking. She quit (or as we thought) and she had the operation last month.
She is still very ill from the operation, but I have had suspisions all along that she hasnt stopped. The other week me and DH thought we had caught her, she denied it - went hysterical and ordered us to apologise - to which we did.

However, yesterday father in law told us that she is still smoking and never stopped. She his it from him too, but now she is too ill to go the shops herself she confessed and now he is buying fags for her

Me and DH are so upset from this, we dont know what to do. The doctors have stated that if she continues to smoke her new small lung will not be able to cope and the cancer will most definately return

So, me and DH and DS are refusing to see her until she quits - AIBU?

if she doesn't want to - she wont. thats the be all and end all

i would be angry with FIL quite frankly - she can't smoke if she can't buy them - she can't so he does.

my mom has emphysema.

i know she still smokes the odd fag.

oh, well.

she's my mom.

fuck, i've had her this long.

NO WAY i'd turn my back on her. or even Dh's folks.

if she's that far gone, hell, she won't be long.

so i'd humour her.

hell, maybe learn a thing or two, i certainly did when i worked in hospice and yes, some of our patients turned off their oxygen machines and went outside for a fag.

Cheekster, i do not think that you are selfish at all. Obviously you and your husband care very deeply for MIL otherwise emotions would not be running so high.

The thing to remember here is that MIL's prognosis is not terminal. There is plenty of hope if she follows medical advice. We are not talking about depriving a dying woman of her last wish (to smoke). Rather you are trying to save someone from herself before it is too late.

Poor DH probably thinks that withdrawing contact with MIL is his very last shot at keeping her away from the fags and therefore keeping her alive. The threat is not meant to be cruel rather it is a last desperate attempt, by a loving son, to shock some much needed sense into MIL and to save her life.

It is clear that he loves her or he would not be so upset. I can see why DH would find it unbearable to sit by inactively and watch MIL fade. He probably feels that he could not forgive himself if he did not have one last try at saving mum.

Without meaning to belittle the effort involved in quitting smoking, the bottom line is that people do manage to do it. Lung cancer and threat of imminent death would surely be the biggest possible motivation one could have to stop. In circs where even this has proved not to be enought i can totally understand why DH is contemplating drastic action. I think though that before carrying out the threat DH should sit down first with mum and tell her exactly how he is feeling. He should not be afraid to say how much he loves her, cry if he feels that way inclined, basically beg mum to open her eyes and see what she is doing to not only herself but also all the people who love her. FIL should be a party to this exchange and should be begged to stop buying the fags.

xx

YABVU and bullying.

The woman is facing her own mortality and despite your anger and hurt that she continues to smoke I don;t think it helps.
What if she does die? How would you feel knowing that you could have supported her in her last few months but chose not to? If you can't do it for her do it for yourselves.

why on earth is your FIL buying her cigarettes?

I think it's one thing to appreciate that she has an addiction, that no amount of talking and rowing and crying and whatever other methods will make her stop smoking, but facilitating her addiction by buying her cigarettes is just beyond my comprehension really.

Reality is that your mil probably thinks she's going to die anyway. Regardless of the fact that she has had surgery, a lot of people still view cancer as a death sentence, so her attitude is most likely one of living her life as she would want to before she dies, iyswim? Dh's grandad had an annurism (sp?) and despite that he still continued so smoke, he also refused the surgery to repair it though and basically just lived till he died, if that makes sense.

But your fil should bloody well know better than to be buying her cigarettes. If she wants to smoke then she should find her own way of buying the fags - maybe if she can't actually get to the shop to get them she will begin to feel better without them?

It's FIL you need to be having words with imho.