to expect parents to controll their children or at least apologise when they bully another child they dont know in asda?

[jennybensmummy]

When we were in asda yesterday i got my first experience of children bullying ben for being different - he is autistic, 3yrs old and has veyr few words, a little boy who was about 5 walked past ben and ben said hello whilst also signing it. the little boy just glared, so ben wanting to talk to him said his ultimate phrase of "bin lorry day" - ben says this to everyone and its him trying to make a conversation about his favourite thing but he never says anything else (not that this time he was given the chance anyway) the little boy just looked at ben with discust and told him "shut up you little freak" it nearly brought me to tears and totally hurt. i just said to the little boy "that wasnt very nice now was it" (whilst actually wanting to scream at the child f* off!!) and gave ben a hug, his family seemed none the wiser except an older sister (aged about 7 or 8) who just laughed and walked off with him. You see this is why i want a school which is very up on bullying and tries their best to see all children as not entitled to treatment like this, imagine if that happened at school!! and i am sure it will!! i know it was bizarre that ben said bin lorry day but didnt warrant that little outburst i just wanted to take ben home and cuddle him all day to make it better, even though i dont think he had the slightest understanding what the boy was saying!
so am i being unreasonable to expect parents in asda to not tolerate their child doing this (im pretty sure they heard and they certainly heard me saying that it wasnt nice!) and at least if their child does to apologise to me and ben for it not just walk off smirking! its really hurt as that was yesterday and its still going round and round in my head

You say that his family were none the wiser, so I'm not sure how you think they could have said something. The 7/8yo sister might possibly have been laughing because she considered that her brother had been told off or because she was embarrassed. When you say she walked off with him did she pull him away or indicate that he should move away. His parents might deal with it later if the sister told them about it or they might consider that you dealt with it at the time.

Regardless, unfortunately some children do talk to each other like this and it may have had nothing at all to do with your ds condition or what he said. It might only have been that he spoke to the other boy. Imo the best thing you could do is to tell your son to ignore silly, rude children.

For a child to say that his parents must be arse holes too- hes the minority I have many exmples of times my children have met 'different' children and they would never act like that-my children are brought up not drgged up.

Pity the child who said it he will never experience the unconditional love Ben has.

((((hug))))

If I could offer any advice to you it would be to get Ben known in your local community with all the children big and small they will be his security shield.

children can be very cruel, but 5 year olds have no understanding of autism
I think you need to see this for what it was, a harmless incident whilst out shopping. I understand you want the best for your son but this hardly constitutes bullying.

Jenny, I am really upset for you and ben. They sound like thoroughly unpleasant children who no doubt learnt their nasty ways from their parents. I totally agree that the parents should have got their son to apologise - it goes without saying. But I don't want you to waste any more emotional or intellectual energy on why they did not make their son do so - assuming they heard the exchange. I cannot imagine why a human being would think it acceptable to make another person feel bad for being different but the fact they feel the need to do it says more about them than anything else.

IF (God forbid) my child had ever said anything like that I would have been horrified! Nasty little piece of work.

And if I heard someone else telling ds off, I'd find out what it was about.

Poor Ben - am sorry you bumped into such a horrid child and his equally horrid family.

TBH, the 5yo was most likely completely unaware of your DSs autism. He wasn't "bullying" him, he was simply being blunt and cruel as children can be and would most likely have behaved similarly to any 3 yo talking to him. The parents probably didn't notice.

I think you are (understandably) being overly sensitive about this. Yes, your son is likely to come across stuff like this throughout his life and that is not a nice thing to come up against. He is also likely to come across tolerance, understanding and friendship though.

My daughter has special needs and I am over sensitive to staring etc and sometimes kids do just stare at each other.

I think the boy had no idea about your son and just was just repeating something probably said to him. I think you handled it well and I know it sounds a bit grim but be prepared because this kind of thing will happen when children do realize he has SN, (it has to us but not often).

Soup, would your 5 year old say "shut up you little freak"? My 5 year old does not even know what 'freak' means - I just asked her.

Does your 5yo have teenage siblings, blueshoes? While my 5yo wouldn't say that to anyone, she does know the word.
I've heard my teens say it to their friends sometimes as a put-down and sometimes as friendly joshing

the older sister (i presume sister but not entirely sure) found it amusing and was certainly not dragging him away, there was definately agreement with him in her behaviour rather than embarressment ot laughing as he had been told off. i cant explain to my son to ignore people like that as he doesnt understand, i tolerate people staring and hate it but this was a totally different league to em and the parents definately heard me say what i did to the child so i cant understand why they didnt ask why i said it or apologise themselves, i just cant believe a 5 year old could be so cruel! i know maybe he didnt know ben is autistic and understand that but to say that to any child is bad parenting in my book, sorry but thats how i see it

I would imagine the 5yo in Asda doesn't know what the word means either. he's probably just heard it.

Of course the 7/8 yo sister found it amusing. Her brother had just been told off by a stranger. Most children at that age find naughtiness amusing - especially when the chastisement comes from a stranger and not someone they see as being in authority.

I'm not saying that it was fine for the boy to have said what he did but I do think you're (understandably) reading too much into it.

It does sound as though it's upset you more than it upset your son.
At 3y of age I think it would have gone straight over my children's head.
If it had upset your son would you have been able to tell him to take no notice or would he not understand that?
Perhaps it would be worth putting this on the sn board and asking for advice for helping your son deal with rude remarks.

If the parents did hear you and notice what had happened then yes, I agree they should have spoken to their son and apologised.

I take the point about a 5 year old not necessarily understanding the meaning whilst having heard it - my 5 year old has not even heard it but then again, contact with older children might change that. But I would expect that a 5 year old would understand the context in which the word is used ie Insult.

My 5 year old will not say 'Shut up' or use an insulting term to a child who was a stranger. Call me sanctimonious or deluded if you will but I do judge the parenting of a 5-year old who does.

maybe i am reading too much into it i dont know but to me it just hurt so much as this will happen time and time again as what ben was actually doing when he saw the child was being as close to "normal" as he ever is, ben is usually headbanging on the trolley or hitting himself so this will only happen more and more now i know it will as he sticks out as obviously different, i knew a time would come when he would be more obviously different especially to other kids but knowing that it has come and knowing how it feels to hear my child being spoke to like that is just awful it makes me want to home ed so i know when things are happening like that etc but know i just cant do that he needs a school i think.

ben has for a long time been obviously different to adults and we have had many awful comments from them including one woman telling me i should keep my son indoors as his behaviour scares away birds and butterflies and its no wonder they are dying out?!?! very strange woman but hurtful none the less!! i think it just has got to me that a child can do this too and its not bens fault and as a mum i feel i should be able to protect him but i cant. so i guess i am probably being unreasonable really as its life at the end of the day, ben isnt "normal" so people are going to notice and comment arent they?

I dont think that a 5 year old would have any real understanding of autism. He is probably repeating what he has heard from somewhere. It doent sound like your DSs behaviour was that unusual anyway. 3 year olds often do say strange things.
Its understandable that you would view this in the context of your sons difficulties, but it doesnt sound like this was anything more than just a 5 year old boy saying something rude.

juuule, my son has no understanding of this that i am aware, he just thinks they are talking to him and its that which hrts as one day he will realise whats going on and maybe before i realise that he does understand it, he really understands so little that he wont care what they say as in words but he understands tone sometimes if that makes sense, or he doesnt like shouting anyway as he knows thats horrible, he wouldnt have a clue what i was saying if i tried to tell him to ignore it

I do emphasise with you, the world can be a cruel place. But the issue here isn't really other people and their children but how you abd your son deal with people's ignorance and intolerence. Do you have any support? Are you in a local group where you can meet up and talk with other parents in your position? Might it help you if you were?

jenny, people, adults and children, will comment and notice. Some people will be feel awkward and others will be downright rude. A lot of it is down to their internal confusion. Others will be kind.

I agree that the Special Needs section is a good place to get tips on how to react to the less pleasant situations.

It was upsetting, but I think that you are very oversensitive and immediately thinking that he will get this reaction everytime. I think that the biggest mistake would be to hide him away to protect him.Human nature is such that you will always meet all sorts. I think that a local group with support for you would be a good idea.

Not nice, but you were in asda!

I am not being flippant, honestly, because the OP is obviously upset
and I would be, too, I think.

However..the last time I shopped at Asda..fuck me, never again.

Let me put this diplomatically (if that's possible):
Compared to other supermarkets, the percentage of shoppers at Asda
who struggle to control themselves let alone their children is irritatingly high.

So sadly, yes, your expectations are unreasonable - in certain environments.

I actually thought you were going to say that the other child attacked your ds. I was suprised when he only got snarled at tbh!

obviously I mean because of it being asda, nothing to do with your ds

lol, daddyJ. I am glad I am not the only one to don my hardhat to shop at Asda.