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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect parents to controll their children or at least apologise when they bully another child they dont know in asda?

102 replies

jennybensmummy · 29/12/2008 08:20

When we were in asda yesterday i got my first experience of children bullying ben for being different - he is autistic, 3yrs old and has veyr few words, a little boy who was about 5 walked past ben and ben said hello whilst also signing it. the little boy just glared, so ben wanting to talk to him said his ultimate phrase of "bin lorry day" - ben says this to everyone and its him trying to make a conversation about his favourite thing but he never says anything else (not that this time he was given the chance anyway) the little boy just looked at ben with discust and told him "shut up you little freak" it nearly brought me to tears and totally hurt. i just said to the little boy "that wasnt very nice now was it" (whilst actually wanting to scream at the child f* off!!) and gave ben a hug, his family seemed none the wiser except an older sister (aged about 7 or 8) who just laughed and walked off with him. You see this is why i want a school which is very up on bullying and tries their best to see all children as not entitled to treatment like this, imagine if that happened at school!! and i am sure it will!! i know it was bizarre that ben said bin lorry day but didnt warrant that little outburst i just wanted to take ben home and cuddle him all day to make it better, even though i dont think he had the slightest understanding what the boy was saying!
so am i being unreasonable to expect parents in asda to not tolerate their child doing this (im pretty sure they heard and they certainly heard me saying that it wasnt nice!) and at least if their child does to apologise to me and ben for it not just walk off smirking! its really hurt as that was yesterday and its still going round and round in my head

OP posts:

DaddyJ · 29/12/2008 21:10

kittywise, blueshoes, dissing Asda killed this thread dead, didn't it?!

Hmmm..maybe we should slag off Asda on the Mouldy thread..

cheerytinselcherry · 29/12/2008 21:26

Funny that, I pop into asda every now and then , was there today, and there were so many children literally running up and down aisles, bumping and barging into shoppers, they were all old enough to know better, and ignored by staff. Heard one old dear mutter that she was going to stick her foot out on the next round...kept away from her after that for fear of a riot!

Bluestocking · 29/12/2008 21:29

Purepurple, I have to take issue with your statement that "5 year olds have no understanding of autism". There was a child with very pronounced autism in my DS's nursery group, and all the children there knew why he didn't talk, and why he did things that seemed strange, from the time he received his diagnosis. Maybe they didn't have a very sophisticated understanding, but they understood that he was different and that they had to exercise extra care. And my DS now has a colleague in his reception class (at a different school) with a milder version of autism, and again, the children understand. If parents and people who work with children take the time to explain, and (almost more importantly) model good and tolerant behaviour themselves, children learn understanding and tolerance of all sorts of differences. Rant over. OP, your experience sounds very upsetting.

Heated · 29/12/2008 21:34

Sadly JBM, I think you and your ds have just been unlucky enough to meet an unusually unpleasant child. They are rare so when you come across them it is a shock. A while back I ended up turfing some feral children out of ELC who were booting footballs at displays and customers. I must have morphed into something out of the Exorcist as they ran like heck. Think you reacted in totally the right way.

A7X · 29/12/2008 21:38

jennybensmummy havn't read whole thread(yet) as I wanted to answer just you.
I feel for you, ds was angry it toys r us today(ds is 16) as some little shit called dd a "retard"
Ihate it, the kid was only little, what kind of scum must he have for parents.

A7X · 29/12/2008 21:46

jennybensmummy come and post in sn, in there we are used to dealing with staring and crap comments.

Ripeberry · 29/12/2008 21:46

I'm shocked at a 5yr old not thinking that an adult stranger is not an "authority figure". No wonder the country is going to the dogs!

noonki · 29/12/2008 22:01

what a horrible experience for you, hope you are feeling a bit better about it, second AJX about getting advice in sn.

That said the word freak is used all the time at the moment, this w/e I heard it everywhere when I was shopping, teenagers seem to use it every other word. So he may have older siblings/cousins that he has picked it up from. It seems to be used for any thing vaguely unusual.

But if i were his parent I would have apologised severely

as an aside I shop at Asda all the time and rarely come across any bad behaviour in the aisles!

jollyoldstnickschick · 29/12/2008 22:02

My ds who was 7 at the time said to dh 'sometimes i have to splain (explain) things easier to even tho hes 12 hes just different isnt he?'- this 12 yr old boy who has lots of disorders that come under the autistic spectrum will play for hours with our ds and his mum put it in a nutshell- here in my home with a 15 yr old ds a 13 yr old ds and a now 8 yr old ds is accepted for who he is not what he should be.

mousymum · 29/12/2008 22:08

Hi,the parents might not have heard.I have 6,7 and 9 year old,and would have been horrified if my children had said this,but they have all been mean on occasion because they are still young and still learning about life.I remember when my children were younger I felt awful telling off someones child,but this gets easier as your children get older and you realise none of them are angels all of the time.You did the right thing telling the little boy off.Getting really angry wouldn't have helped because even if you don't think so now;you will realise oneday that five is still very,very young.

MollieO · 29/12/2008 22:09

People will always comment on differences and that doesn't make it right but it happens. When my ds was small we used to get stopped all the time by people thinking he was a newborn. When I explained that he wasn't their reaction was always the same - they couldn't get away fast enough. I went through a phase of thinking that I wouldn't go out with him until he was bigger, then I went out and lied about his age. Finally I just got on with it, told people the truth and learnt not to take their ignorant comments personally.

A7X · 29/12/2008 22:11

13 years on and I still get angry.

PlonkerAlkaseltzerInMyGlass · 29/12/2008 22:17

I have a 5 yo and I would be utterly horrified if I ever heard her speak to another child like that! Disgraceful!

Children can be cruel, there's no denying that, but its totally unacceptable, and plain nasty. I'm and for you.

CrushWithEyeliner · 29/12/2008 22:18

You poor thing. I would have been devastated if this happened to my DD.. What nasty words from another child - you have to feel sorry really..

TotalChaos · 29/12/2008 22:57

agree with plonker and heated. sorry you had such a rotten experience.

poetmum · 29/12/2008 23:01

I'm sorry for you and Ben. That was uncalled for and absolutely rotten. My son got picked on a lot when we were in London. I don't know why. It must have been that we had American accents. Or that he is terribly bright and verbal. Children went out of their way to shove him off of climbing frames, pour sand on his head, run straight into him rather than around him, trip him. Not one parent ever disciplined their child - and I saw them watching.

He went from outgoing, bubbly and friendly to terrified of children in the space of a year. Eventually the solution he found for himself was cross-dressing. When I asked him why, he said it was because "people treated him gently when they thought he was a girl." We spent a few months in frocks. He finally gained the courage to leave the frocks behind. (Especially after he figured out that people will treat a boy worse when they wear girls clothing.)

Anyway, long story short, he has figured out how to cope without dresses. But, the information he received on all ends was accurate. 1. Be who you are. 2. There are people who will treat you poorly when you are different. 3. It isn't right to treat others badly because they are different. 4. There are lots of ways to cope with it. Some are better than others. 5. It's best to just stay focused on what is working for you and ignore others who don't like it.

I know those lessons will be hard for Ben to grasp. But, by correcting the other child, you showed Ben their behaviour was incorrect. To cuddle him up and support him, shows him that he is loved for who he is. But, I wouldn't dwell on it or let it eat you up. Let it pass. (The frocks were hard...more so on DH...but we trusted our ability to support him and allow him to find his own way.) Just let your love be the anchor. He needs all of the information. he'll process it best he can. You'll be surprised how wise all children are when trusted, loved and supported.

Now, I interrupt bullying every time I encounter it. If the community doesn't let it go, it will stop. (But, I'm pretty brash and will walk a child over to their parent with a report.)

mousehole · 29/12/2008 23:06

This reply has been withdrawn

withdrawn at poster's request

resolutions · 29/12/2008 23:16

poetmum ? Are you serious? I can't believe what you've written.Surely you didn't let you son wear dresses in public it would be a miracle if he wasn't bullied.

mousymum · 29/12/2008 23:16

I am shocked that he said it in front of you,because most children would only be mean out of earshot of parents,but you will come across more crazy children and their parents in school,so don't feel bad about sticking up for your children.I know, I've been there with my sensitive 9 year old;and i'm sure comp is going to be another barrel of laughs!!Sorry,I've really been doing this parenting thing for too long.goodluck,you r a great mum.

wrinklytum · 29/12/2008 23:28

Juney,Big hug xxxx

I have a 3 year old with severe sn and your post brought me to tears.

I think that somedays,you think you have come to terms with it all,then incidents like this just slap you in the face and realisation hits that your child will always be perceived as different.

It was a cruel comment from the child,and I can understand why it upset you.xxx

FWIW I would try to focus on your lovely little boy,he sounds delightful and I will think of him next time our bin lorry comes .dd is pretty non verbal but amazed us with "Daddy" over Christmas which was a breaakthroughYou sound like a lovely mum.

I guess we have to grow a tough shell,sadly xxx

critterjitter · 29/12/2008 23:31

I'm afraid to say that nothing surprises me anymore. I was in John Lewis today in the Children's Department, and happened to be standing next to a girl of about 6 who was being asked to try on a particular coat by her mum and dad. The parents obviously wanted to buy it and were trying to convince her that it was the right coat for her. Every time they said a positive about the coat, she repeated: "F..k off, f..k off, f..k off' in a really bored and disinterested voice to them.

poetmum · 29/12/2008 23:43

resolutions - I have pictures to prove it. It was hard gathering up the holiday pix for my parents...they didn't get many that year. Or they got extreme close ups. Like I said, it was a valuable life lesson.

nula · 30/12/2008 00:29

Asda is my favourite supermarKet.

I am horrified on your behalf.

YANBU.
If any of my kids EVER told another kid to shut up or called them a freak I would Come down on them like a storm and apologise to the victim.

Point it thay never would.
What a horrid thing for this otheer kid to say.

my only thought in mitigation is perhaps the rude kid had some kind of learning / behavioural difficulty of his own? Does not sound like so called "normal" thing to say.

Bless you and your little one.

2newyearshoes · 30/12/2008 14:05

jennybensmummy can you have a look here

catsmother · 30/12/2008 14:17

Jenny, I'm sorry you and Ben had such an upsetting experience. I've got a 5 year old and I'm certain that if she'd met Ben and he'd come out with his bin lorry phrase she'd have had 1 of 2 reactions: either she'd have hooted with laughter (not at him) because she'd innocently think he was being funny and probably ask him directly "what bin lorry", or, she might have been a bit bewildered and would have scuttled back to me ..... I honestly don't know which way she'd go.

But one thing I am damn sure of ..... is that she'd never tell another child, especially a smaller one to "shut up", let alone call them a "freak". That's aggressive and nasty, even if, being totally fair, the child concerned didn't how to react to Ben's unexpected remark. And in that respect, I'm afraid I am being judgey because (maybe I'm being hoplessly naiive ??) I wouldn't expect to see that kind of response from the majority of 5 year olds, and it mkaes you wonder what "values" they're being brought up with. If you're pretty convinced too that the parents heard what had transpired, then yes, they are being very irresponsible in not hauling their child up about this.

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