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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect parents to controll their children or at least apologise when they bully another child they dont know in asda?

102 replies

jennybensmummy · 29/12/2008 08:20

When we were in asda yesterday i got my first experience of children bullying ben for being different - he is autistic, 3yrs old and has veyr few words, a little boy who was about 5 walked past ben and ben said hello whilst also signing it. the little boy just glared, so ben wanting to talk to him said his ultimate phrase of "bin lorry day" - ben says this to everyone and its him trying to make a conversation about his favourite thing but he never says anything else (not that this time he was given the chance anyway) the little boy just looked at ben with discust and told him "shut up you little freak" it nearly brought me to tears and totally hurt. i just said to the little boy "that wasnt very nice now was it" (whilst actually wanting to scream at the child f* off!!) and gave ben a hug, his family seemed none the wiser except an older sister (aged about 7 or 8) who just laughed and walked off with him. You see this is why i want a school which is very up on bullying and tries their best to see all children as not entitled to treatment like this, imagine if that happened at school!! and i am sure it will!! i know it was bizarre that ben said bin lorry day but didnt warrant that little outburst i just wanted to take ben home and cuddle him all day to make it better, even though i dont think he had the slightest understanding what the boy was saying!
so am i being unreasonable to expect parents in asda to not tolerate their child doing this (im pretty sure they heard and they certainly heard me saying that it wasnt nice!) and at least if their child does to apologise to me and ben for it not just walk off smirking! its really hurt as that was yesterday and its still going round and round in my head

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 30/12/2008 14:22

Feel sad for you so just trying to find reasons to make you feel better - I thought the same as nula. Maybe he has some learning difficulties and the words he used had been said to him. He could also be a lot younger than 5.

Lulumama · 30/12/2008 14:27

i agree with soupdragon's posts here

am very very sorry you and your son were upset by a rude and thoughtless comment

but the comment was not made because your son is autistic. but because an older child thought your son said something silly...

it is not bullying however. bullying is a sustained singling out and attacking of someone different/weaker . a one off comment, nasty certainly, but not bullying

a five year old was not picking on your son for being autistic

the parent;s probably did not hear, if my child spoke like that to anotehr child regardless of SN or not, they would not get away with it

i really think best not to dwell on it

your son will meet all sorts of people in this life.the vast majority will be lovely and kind

2newyearshoes · 30/12/2008 17:16

I have to disagree. I know it is hard for most decent people to believe but tehre are small children who use awful words and can be quite nasty(worded that wrong can't think how to do it so the child isn't nasty but thier behaviour)
I have come accross it loads. only yesterday as I posted a small child called dd a spaz.
It happens, a lot.

silverfrog · 30/12/2008 17:28

agree with 2shoes.

dd1 is autistic, and i have lost count of the number of times she has been teased/picked on, and on one occasion, subjected to prolonged hassle because, and i quote the 5 year old ringleader, "it's ok, we can do anyhting to her, she can't tell"

and they were children who saw dd1 every week at a toddler group we went to (had at that point been going for over 2 years)

unfortunately, children can be cruel, and deliberately so, and sometimes their parents do not know how to deal with it (in the above example, the girl was told off for picking on dd1, but not (at that time, nor i suspect later as her attitude did not change) her words.

It leaves you feeling sick to the stomach to know that your child can be subjected to this kind of thing, and as the girl quite rightly pointed out, dd1 can never tell me. so if I do not directly witness and intervene, it goes unnoticed.

naturalbornmum · 30/12/2008 17:46

What a vile child - your poor son.

Clarissimo · 30/12/2008 20:01

YANBU. One little bit.

Hoever I would very quietly point out as an aside my ASD very verbal 9 year old might well say that.

but I would apologise and say sorry.

Clarissimo · 30/12/2008 20:03

(oh BTW both af my ASD duo have been picke don / laughed at; ds3 not so much as he looks like a toddler even though he isn't, I now it will come- but ds1 is regularly. Sometimes I suspect seeming NT is a bit of a curse for him, in some ways- just because he looks able / as if he unerstands has no bearing on reality)

meandjoe · 31/12/2008 22:01

grrrr, yaNbu. , in a way i hope your ds didn't understand what the child said to him. very sad for you though.

it just makes me want to protect him and give him a big cuddle. bless him trying to make conversation with a stranger, he sounds such a lovely boy.

i know kids say daft things but the family should really not allow him to do this to anyone. i would deffinitely have told my ds to apologise and i would have told him it was completely unacceptable. my ds is only 16 months though so probably would have just waved at ben!

Katiestar · 31/12/2008 23:23

'Freak' is the insult of the moment Loads of American kids programmes use it all the time .It doesn't in anyway excuse the boy's rudeness, but I don't think the term is as 'strong' as you think.

2newyearshoes · 31/12/2008 23:27

Katiestar if that is what you want to think........
but as a parent of a disabled 13 year old I can tell you this is not a unusual thing to be said by a small child.

wrinklytum · 31/12/2008 23:32

No 2 shoes,sadly not.

Yesterday I walked dd to the local shops on her frame.

Several small children aged about 7 who were hanging about the shops started copying her inarticulate noises,in a derogatory manner.

little shits

cat64 · 31/12/2008 23:47

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wrinklytum · 01/01/2009 00:44

well maybe bullying was the wrong word,but the sadness expressed in the Op I can relate to."iGNORANCE" is probably as better word.The last 2 posters prior to cat 64 have frequently posted on the sn board..I think the Op was justified.Maybe "Crappy comment" would be more accurate?Whatever if my 5 year old son called any sn child a freak I would be horrified.!Luckily he has a sister with sn,and although sibling rivalry occasionally kicks in I know he has the ability and awareness to defend her to the hilt.

juicyjolly · 01/01/2009 00:56

I really hate this saying, but in this case I think it fits.....I blame the parents......and it is so very sad that the 5yr old who said this is being brought up in such an ignorant, selfish, and unfeeling way. What a waste of another decent human being in the making,iyswim.

jennybens.....your son sounds like a lovely caring happy child, and like all mums, all we can do is hope and pray that they dont have to put up with any ignorant morans and their offspring.

wrinklytum · 01/01/2009 01:07

Re read prev post.

the thing is it HURTS you know?

My dd is quite severely learning delayed.People tend to clump disabled people together in one homogenous mass though.Did I tell you about the accountant I know with cp,or the guy I spoke to recently with cp (He was on his way to uni and stopped to chat to me when he saw me with dd at the bus stop and her doing her wobbly walking)Or my tutor for my BSL course?She is hearing and speech impaired but still manages to teach us hearing numptys BSL The trouble is people as a rule only see the DIS ability.And when young children are making derogatory comments this is the sad fact about societal opinions.Basically it is shite.

Ellie,Well done,an MBE you are a credit to society.

juicyjolly · 01/01/2009 01:19

I honestly think that it is more the individual who is the nasty shite and yes, ignorant, than society. You know, there are dickheads in every walk of life, and there are genuine decent people to. Its not society, its just individual pratts.

2newyearshoes · 01/01/2009 10:26

oh lets all defend the boy who was nasty.
why can't people just admit that some parents don't instill proper decenty into their children.
their is no excuse for calling a disabled child a freak imo.
as this child gets older he will get the shit kicked out of him, all because his parents couldn't be arsed to teach him right from wrong.
telling someone who post on here to go to the sn board to get support and defending the nasty boy imo is shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2009 10:27

Ignorance though is no excuse. I am sorry this unpleasantness happened to your son.

TotalChaos · 01/01/2009 10:31

agree with 2shoes. Just because it's a one off comment doesn't make it any less hurtful. The OP is not being oversensitive - its extraordinarily painful when your child is mocked/insulted because of their SN, even if your child isn't aware enough of speech/tone of voice to realise. I think it's splitting hairs to say a one-off incident isn't bullying.

dilemma456 · 01/01/2009 11:14

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sarah293 · 01/01/2009 11:56

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unfitmother · 01/01/2009 12:02

Sorry to hear about your horrible experience.I feel sorry for that 5 year old too, how must he be being brought up to behave like that?

wannaBe · 01/01/2009 13:31

it goes without saying that it would be upsetting for the parent of a disabled child that such a young child would speak to him like that. Regardless of whether the little brat understands the meaning of what he was saying, the fact remains that the op's child will be subjected to this kind of talk throughout his life from people who know only too well the meaning of what they're saying.

That aside, since when did it become acceptable for any child to tell another child to "shut up you little freak?" Regardles of whether the comment was directed at a disabled child, it's not an acceptable way for any child to talk to someone else without reprimand. Would it have been ok for the op to turn around and say "why don't you shut up you little freak?" Thought not. The parents should be controlling their little brat, and teaching him that we don't speak to other people like that, especially people we don't even know.

5 year olds are quite capable of being horrible little shits - not every child is a loveable little darling.

unfitmother · 01/01/2009 14:41

Doesn't every child have the potential to be loveable or are some 5 year olds inherently evil regardless of their background?

sarah293 · 01/01/2009 14:43

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